Gravity
by GreysAddict522
Summary: Sequel to Nothing Else Matters. MerDer have been living together for a few months and are finally letting their relationship progress. But when tragedy strikes, everything that they've built together gets called into question. Can they make it all work?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: This is a sequel to my previous fanfic "Nothing Else Matters." If you haven't read that yet, you may want to so that everything here makes sense. You could probably follow most things, but maybe not all. Oh, and I live for reviews - good and bad (as long as the bad are constructive). So if you read this, please let me know your thoughts! I'll even try to write back:-) And so, without further delay, here's chapter 1. Enjoy!**

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"Derek…can't move…need to get up…" Meredith argued as she tried to wiggle free from the arm wrapped around her.

Derek stirred slightly, but then tightened his grip.

"Der…work…need…" Meredith attempted again, but it was useless. The earplugs used to drown out her snoring apparently were also effective at filtering out her voice. And to be honest, she wasn't putting up much of a fight. No nudging or squirming, just whispers. She didn't mind being forced to linger in bed for a few more minutes with him. The steady, quiet hum of his breathing provided a meditative calm before what would almost certainly be a hectic day at the hospital.

Meredith sighed and snuggled closer against him. No one should have to get up and get ready for work while it's still dark outside, she rationalized. It should be too early to get up anyway. And ten more minutes in bed probably wouldn't make a big difference in her arrival time at Seattle Grace…

_This is fine. This is better than fine. This is good. Bright and shiny even…_

Meredith let her eyes adjust to the dim light in their bedroom. _Their bedroom_. The concept of it still felt surreal to her, even after three months of living together. Meredith had never expected that her decision to move out of her youth hostel with Izzie, Alex, and Cristina and into her own apartment could make such a big difference. It had been an impulsive decision – she didn't even tell Derek about it until she had the keys in hand, but Derek instantly agreed to move in with her, and within days they were choosing wall colors and furniture and divvying up closet space. There was a sense of permanence to it all – that their life was no longer being shuffled in the confines of an overnight bag or shelved in the single drawer set aside in a place decidedly _not_ theirs. But this…this was their fresh start…

Stable.

Predictable.

And Meredith liked that. She liked that a lot.

The alarm clock began another round of chirping, notifying Meredith that her second snooze session was over. She angrily reached over and slapped the off button, furious that it was discouraging her from staying in bed.

"Are you going in this morning?" Derek grumbled, reaching up to remove an earplug before repositioning his arm around Meredith.

"You're awake?" Meredith asked, surprised.

"Mmmm-hmmm," he moaned, nuzzling her neck. His breath was moist and heavy against her, and she felt a tingle run through her spine. She closed her eyes and savored the sensation. "I've been awake since the first time your alarm went off," he confessed.

"So you knew I was trying to get up earlier?" she inquired accusingly.

"Yeah," he admitted, kissing his way down her collarbone. "I just didn't want you to get out of bed yet."

"Derek…I need to go to work…"

"You can be late," he argued, pressing himself against her.

"No, I can't. I have interns waiting for me. And morning rounds and surgeries, and you…you have all of that too and you're not playing fairly right now," she pouted. She unwittingly ground against him a little as she tried to decide whether or not to give in to his temptation. She loved waking up with him every morning, but she hated the days when her schedule required her to leave before he did. He didn't seem to appreciate her need to get to work on time. "Wasn't last night enough? Are you _ever_ satisfied?"

"I could be in about ten to fifteen minutes," he teased as he worked his hands across her body, tracing each and every curve through the soft fabric of her flannel pajama bottoms and cotton tee.

Meredith sighed loudly, the conflicted emotions escaping through her breath.

"Or five to ten minutes if you're going to be like that," he continued, allowing his hands to hover gently on her breasts, tugging on her nipples through her shirt.

"Or you could wait until I get through with my shift tonight and have more time to spend with you," Meredith reluctantly argued. She really was running late now. First it was the snooze button and now Derek was being incredibly persuasive. And this morning, running so late, she did not need persuasive.

"I suppose," Derek relented in frustration. He released his grip on her and rolled over onto his back. "I'm holding you to that, though," he insisted. He had known all along that she was running too late to have sex this morning, but he liked to test how much influence he had with her. Apparently, it wasn't as much as he would like.

"I hope so," Meredith replied as she sat up and felt the blood resume circulating through her stiff limbs. She interlaced her fingers and stretched them over her head while a large yawn escaped her lips. "And I promise…I'll make it worth the wait," she soothed as she leaned over and kissed him, allowing her lips to linger against his a little longer than they should for being in such a hurry.

Derek watched as she stumbled toward the bathroom to shower. She was always a little clumsier than usual first thing in the morning – a recent discovery made possible by the regularity of waking up together every day. Since Derek had been promoted to co-chief of surgery with Richard, he had aligned his schedule with Meredith's as much as possible, and he loved the fact that they were starting to build routines together.

Derek listened as the shower turned on, announcing the flow of water through its creaking pipes. It was his cue to get out of bed and start the coffee so that it was ready for Meredith. He slid out of bed, and set off towards the kitchen. The contrast between the soft bedroom carpet and the cold hardwood floors always shocked him a little in the morning, but not in a bad way. He loved everything about the apartment. It took his breath away the moment he saw it. He was amazed that Meredith had found something so perfect for them, and he understood completely why she felt so confident in choosing it without consulting him first. The location was perfect for them – walking distance from the hospital and Joe's, and it was on the top floor of a building that overlooked Elliot Bay to the west and the mountains to the north. With the large windows aligning several walls, he was able to see the best that Seattle had to offer – the ferryboats traveling back and forth, the Seattle skyline, and the beautiful natural landscape. It was large enough for them to live comfortably – much more comfortably than they ever could in the trailer, yet it was small enough that it still felt cozy and not at all excessive. He loved that even from the kitchen he could hear the sound of the shower and vaguely smell Meredith's lavender conditioner while he made breakfast. It was his favorite smell in the world, and he felt a little disappointed covering it up each morning with the stronger scent of freshly ground hazelnut coffee. But he learned early that coffee in the morning was important to Meredith's temperament, especially with an early shift, and he was happy to provide that for her – that, and breakfast. At first she insisted that it was too much – that she could just get coffee in the lobby and that cold pizza or muffins provided a sufficient start to her day. But gradually Derek wore her down, and even if she hadn't become a Muesli fan, she could at least stomach yogurt and granola or oatmeal with brown sugar and sliced bananas.

Today would probably be a yogurt day. He assumed Meredith was in too much of a rush to sit and have oatmeal with him.

"What time is your shift today?" Meredith called from the bathroom shortly after turning off the shower. He heard the bathroom door open and felt the humidity level of the apartment change a little from the influx of steam as she relocated to the bedroom.

"I'll probably be in around six," Derek responded casually as he searched for a clean travel mug for Meredith.

"Surgeries?"

"At least one this morning. Why, do you want in?" He found a silver colored mug in the back of a honey colored kitchen cabinet, and pulled it out from the hodgepodge collection of cups they'd amassed in mixing their belongings. One of these days, they'd have to go shopping for a matching set, Derek thought, as he snaked his hand around the various items to withdraw the mug.

"Depends on what other surgeries are available," Meredith shot back, leaning her head out from the bedroom door. Her hair hung next to her in long, wet clumps, and he could tell she wasn't wearing anything other than a bright yellow towel. She grinned at him as she worked a second towel through her locks, patting them dry. His ego hated the thought of her finding a surgery more interesting than his, and she knew it. "You're not the only neurosurgeon at Seattle Grace, you know. Weller or Krichek might have something for me."

"I may not be the only neurosurgeon," he commented as he set down a cup of strawberry yogurt next to her coffee mug, "but clearly I'll have the best surgeries. It's one of the perks of being the department head and Co-Chief of Surgery," he insisted cockily. It had only been a few months since the chief had asked Derek to split job responsibilities with him in an effort to smooth the eventual transition, but Derek already seemed to enjoy the power.

"That may be," Meredith started with an amused tone as she moved back in the room to dress, "but _they_ actually are letting me start to _do_ some procedures unlike certain nameless chiefs who would rather teach by demonstration than hand over the scalpel to a neurosurgical resident."

"Oh," Derek said, a little caught off guard. He walked towards the bedroom so he wouldn't have to talk so loudly. "They let you do the procedures?" he asked, genuinely surprised. It wasn't that shocking, he guessed. Meredith was exceptionally talented and her learning curve was steep, but she hadn't ever mentioned that before. Now he was feeling guilty.

"Sometimes," Meredith nodded as she pulled on a long-sleeved white tee that was a little sheer.

"I see," Derek mused. "Well, maybe I'll have to let you assist with my craniotomy this morning. That is, if you're not doing some advanced procedure for someone else."

"I think I can make myself available," Meredith grinned before rushing back toward the bathroom to snag her toothbrush and toothpaste.

"And do you know how you can express your gratitude for the opportunity?" Derek asked as he started making the bed.

Meredith leaned out of the bathroom and arched her eyebrows expectantly while she brushed her teeth. Bits of foam rimmed the corners of her mouth.

"Sex," Derek answered. "Hot, nasty sex." He wagged his eyebrows suggestively at her, drawing emphasis to his dark blue eyes.

Meredith spat out the toothpaste and rinsed her mouth quickly. "Dr. Shepherd, I believe that that would constitute sexual harassment," she teased.

"I think we crossed that line a while ago," Derek shot back as he straightened out their navy blue blanket and soft green duvet.

Meredith laughed in agreement as she pulled on her tennis shoes. "Well, the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one," she remarked.

Derek looked at her, feigning shock. "Are you saying this is a problem?"

"No," Meredith sighed as she stood up. "Just as long as you don't make similar deals with anyone else."

"Not a chance," he replied.

"Good," she murmured as she leaned in to kiss him. She ran her fingers through his wild, dark hair as she explored his mouth with her minty-tasting tongue. He reactively wrapped his arms around her lean body, closing all gaps of air between them.

"I need to go," she said, pulling away breathless. "I'll see you in surgery?"

"Yeah, I'll page you when I get there," Derek confirmed as he escorted her towards the door of the apartment. He passed her the coffee mug and yogurt before kissing her goodbye.

The front door closed gently as Meredith left, leaving Derek all alone in the apartment. He sighed contentedly as he walked back into the kitchen, ready to make his own breakfast and watch the ferryboats through the window before getting ready to work.

---------------------------------

"Three months," Izzie commented as she caught up to Meredith. Both women were wrapping up paperwork from their morning rounds, but they always managed to find a way to break from their interns and chat.

"We've just been busy, Izzie," Meredith replied as she set a patient's chart on the nurse's station counter. "Derek's been working a lot with the promotion, and I've been…busy…"

"Do you not want us to see the apartment?" Izzie asked, concerned. "I mean, if that's it, just say so. I'll back off. Really. I just thought that you'd invite us over to see it once – for a housewarming party if nothing else."

"A housewarming party?" Meredith asked, slightly annoyed.

"Yeah. You can have one for apartments, too. It is after all, your first apartment together," Izzie explained.

"A housewarming party," Meredith repeated flatly.

"I can help with the food – you wouldn't have to cook anything. I just thought it would be cool to see where you and Derek live…together…doing your couple-y things…you know, like a couple…you and Derek," Izzie insisted as she watched Meredith scrawl a few notes and close the chart.

"I'll talk to Derek and see what he thinks," Meredith agreed finally as she rifled through the papers and decided on her next task.

"Oh, yay! Parties are so much fun," Izzie beamed.

Meredith turned her head so that Izzie wouldn't see her rolling her eyes. She hadn't meant to keep her friends away so long. She had always planned to have them over at some point, but there was something about the apartment being exclusively hers and Derek's that made her hesitate. It was their own private sanctuary away from everyone else, and in some irrational way, inviting anyone else over seemed to tarnish the purity of it.

"I'm not making any promises. I'm just saying that I'll ask Derek," Meredith said.

"Ask me what?" Derek interrupted, walking up behind them.

Meredith spun around and stared at his cleanly shaved face and well-gelled hair, admiring the contrast from his appearance only a couple hours earlier. Meredith could tell by his neatly coordinated street clothes and brown leather satchel that he had just arrived for his shift. He hadn't even stopped by his office yet.

"Well," Meredith blushed. "Izzie was wondering when we're going to have our housewarming party."

"Three months. You've been living together three months, and we haven't seen the place yet. We're starting to wonder what's going on," Izzie added.

"Of course," Derek concurred. "It's something we've been meaning to do for a while, now, haven't we, Mere," he explained, winking subtly at Meredith. "Does tomorrow night work for everyone?"

Meredith's eyes grew large and began to glare at Derek. He hadn't even given her a chance to talk him out of it.

"Tomorrow? Yeah, tomorrow is great! I'll spread the word," Izzie bubbled.

"Small, Izzie. Seriously. I get approval of all invites," Meredith insisted, her eyes sending a less subtle warning in Izzie's direction as she recalled the last party that Izzie had coordinated.

"I know. I promise. Only inner circle types," Izzie reassured. "I should get going. I'll update you later with the guest list!"

"Great," Meredith replied half-heartedly.

"Goodbye, Dr. Stevens," Derek responded politely before redirecting his attention to Meredith. "And why are you so grumpled this morning? Are you upset about the party?"

"I'm fine," Meredith responded, clearly pouting.

"It will be fun, and we can't keep the place all to ourselves forever," he explained, somehow reading her mind.

She didn't look entirely convinced.

"And how often do you get to see George, Alex, Izzie, and Cristina outside of work these days? We'll invite them and maybe Bailey and the chief," he continued.

"Will you invite Mark?" Meredith asked curiously. Mark and Derek had made tremendous progress in repairing their relationship in the previous months, and while it still wasn't what it once was, they seemed to be on amicable terms.

"Sure," Derek agreed.

"Okay," Meredith sighed, smiling a little. She did miss hanging out with that group since moving out of the house.

"It will be fun. I promise," Derek grinned as he ran his hand through her hair and kissed her forehead quickly, but sweetly. He generally avoided public displays of affection since being promoted to co-chief, but every once in a while he would make an exception, especially if he was in street clothes or in an elevator or stairwell. Or if he was in his office – the office was typically a safe zone for him.

"Surgery?" Meredith asked, changing the subject.

"Yeah, can you have an intern make sure the patient in 257 is prepped and then meet me in OR-2 in about an hour?" Derek responded, seeming to regain his focus on work.

"Sure," Meredith smiled before reaching for the phone to page an intern.

Derek returned the smile, allowing it to reach the corners of his eyes, and then set out for his office to see how flexible his schedule would be for the day. If they were going to have a party at their apartment in less than 48 hours, he wanted it to be a bigger celebration than a mere housewarming party, and he would need some time to plan.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Another installment of happiness. Thanks for all of the support so far – you guys are amazing! **

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Derek Shepherd had been planning this day for months, and now he wanted to tell someone about it. When he originally decided to propose to Addison over a dozen years ago, he confided in Mark _days_ before he actually followed through on his idea. He solicited his friend's help in choosing the ring and the perfect locale to execute the proposal. And Mark had gone along with everything in good spirits, knowing that he was years—maybe decades—away from having to plan something like this for himself. But this time, Derek was a little apprehensive about sharing such a big secret with Mark. While they were better friends now that Addison was gone, he didn't trust Mark like he once had. He didn't know if he _could_ trust Mark. Still, friends were in short supply at Seattle Grace. All of Meredith's friends were off-limits since they would somehow find a way to spill the news. And the chief was someone who should hear it from Meredith instead, given his fatherly relationship with her. Miranda was another candidate, but she was likely to be completely dismissive of him, boss or not. And that left Mark – ex-best friend, man-whoring, Mark – to be the keeper of the news that Derek was dying to share.

He reached into his pocket and felt the velvety box inside. Choosing a ring had been relatively painless as he was immediately drawn to a 3-carat emerald cut with a platinum band. It was simple, elegant, and stunning – perfect for Meredith's long, sleek fingers. He couldn't wait until later in the evening when he would get the chance to give it to her. He knew she'd say yes – that they were finally ready for that next step. They'd talked about it a couple of times, and the transition to living together had been seamless.

They were ready.

He was certain.

She would say yes.

But none of that knowledge could keep Derek's heart from racing a little at the prospect of proposing. He was anxious about how he would do it, and he was desperate to share his thoughts with someone. And it just so happened that Mark would be the wingman. Again.

Derek nervously ambled towards Mark's office, desperately hoping for once that he didn't see Meredith along the way. He didn't know if he would be able to contain his excitement if he saw her. He was a little fidgety and giddy all at once. And Dr. Derek Shepherd, head of neurosurgery and co-chief of surgery at Seattle Grace was never nervous, fidgety, or giddy. Ever.

_Better to get this out of my system now. You'll be fine. This will be fine. It will be perfect. Just tell Mark. He'll be supportive._

Mark's door was cracked open, and he sat inside at his desk entranced by the computer screen. The room was small, but surprisingly well-organized. Unlike Derek, Mark actually managed to control his paper messes or, at the very least, hide them from plain view. Still, it felt largely uninhabited. There were no personal effects or plants or decorations to make it feel like the room was anything more than a temporary office.

He secretly hoped it wouldn't be temporary. He liked having Mark back around.

Mark quickly clicked at his mouse to close something as he saw Derek walk in, and he looked up at his friend, trying not to appear too guilty. Derek immediately suspected that Mark had been looking at porn online, but decided not to say anything too explicit about it.

"You know, the hospital has set up filters so that they can track web activity and trace sites back to certain offices," Derek remarked.

"If that were the case, I would have been sent back to New York long ago," Mark replied quickly, admitting that he had been up to no good without having to say anything more. An impish grin settled across his lips. "What's going on with you?" he asked, changing the subject. He motioned for Derek to have a seat in one of the cushiony chairs across from his desk.

Derek nodded and closed the door to the office, signaling that this would be more than just a casual visit. "I wanted to talk. I hope you don't mind," Derek said, suddenly a little uncomfortable.

"Um, sure," Mark said, joining in the discomfort. Even though tensions between them had thawed substantially, it was unusual for Derek to make a visit like this. And closing the door – he had _no idea_ what that meant.

"It's Meredith," Derek said quickly, almost whispering as he sat across from Mark.

"Are things okay between you?" Mark felt a little relieved knowing that Derek was confiding in him rather than preparing to start an argument. Still, he was concerned. He knew Meredith well enough to know that her relationship with Derek wasn't always standing on solid ground, and he hoped that nothing had happened to threaten their streak of happiness.

"Yeah," Derek smiled. "Great, in fact. So great that I'm…I'm going to propose…tonight…I'm going to propose to her," Derek confessed.

Mark immediately lit up with excitement. "Are you serious? That's fantastic, man! Really!"

"Thanks," Derek grinned, feeling proud of himself.

"And you had to tell someone…" Mark thought aloud, suddenly even more excited that Derek was sharing the news – with him.

"Yeah, well…" Derek replied as awkward feelings beat him like a drum.

"Well, I'm glad that you came back to me. I promise not to sleep with this one," Mark reassured as he let off a nervous laugh.

Derek laughed as well. They were okay, he thought. Damage done, and now mostly repaired. He could actually consider Mark his friend again. Maybe even close to the surrogate brother he was to Derek for over 30 years again.

"Did you get the rock already?" Mark continued, knowing that his job was to press for details and boost Derek's confidence.

Derek reached into his pocket and pulled out the box, offering it to Mark for inspection.

"I slipped away this afternoon to get it. It's good, right? She'll like it?" he asked anxiously, desperate for approval.

Mark looked at the diamond, watching as waves of light bent and refracted in the cuts of the stone. Even in the bad fluorescent lighting of his office, the ring sparkled and glistened, demanding attention.

"She's going to love it, Derek. What woman wouldn't?" Mark encouraged. "What inspired this decision?" he continued to prod.

"Well," Derek started, relaxing into the chair. He loved talking about Meredith, especially as things were going well, but he rarely found an opportunity to do it. His family was still sensitive about his divorce despite how much he affirmed that Meredith was here to stay, and he didn't really have other friends in Seattle that he felt comfortable talking to about her. Mark was it, really, and they talked so infrequently. "I've known for a while that she was it, mostly I've just been waiting for her to figure that out too. And things have been so good since we've moved in together…I just think it's time…and we're having a party tomorrow night – a housewarming party with her friends, so I was thinking we could tell everyone then. You're invited, of course," Derek responded confidently.

"I wouldn't miss it. My best friend is marrying his dirty mistress," Mark sighed. "Perfect, really. To think, if I hadn't fucked your wife, you never would have found her."

"That is one way to look at it," Derek replied. It didn't bother him to talk or even joke about it anymore.

"So, more details? Where are you going to propose? Have you figured it all out?" Mark pressed.

"I'm going to do it tonight after work at our apartment. I have some ideas for wording, but I'm still playing around with those," Derek sighed, feeling nervous again.

"You'll be fine. You're smooth. And even if you botch it, she'll be so wowed by the ring that what you say will be unimportant," Mark said convincingly. He truly was a good wingman.

"I hope so," Derek mumbled as he took the ring back from Mark and returned the box to his pocket. "So anyway…"

"I won't tell anyone. I promise," Mark agreed, preempting Derek from making any comments.

"Thanks," Derek nodded before standing up. He had done it – he had told someone his plans. Now he just needed to carry them out.

"Good luck, Derek, not that you'll need it," Mark encouraged as he stood up and moved towards his friend. For the first time in months, they hugged quickly, much like brothers would do.

"I appreciate it, Mark. I'll call you tomorrow. Maybe we can go fishing in the afternoon before the party or something," Derek said as he pulled away.

"Yeah, it's taken you long enough to invite me out for that," Mark teased.

Derek smiled broadly, causing the corners of his eyes to crinkle slightly, as he nodded in agreement.

It felt good to have his best friend back.

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The hours before the end of their shifts ticked away slowly. The hospital was unusually quiet. The boards were empty, at least for Derek. Nothing was happening to distract him from the plans awaiting execution. He paced up and down the halls worrying over the details while trying to avoid drawing too much attention to himself from the interns and residents. He didn't want anyone to suspect that something was different about him. He saw Mark once after his meeting, but Mark seemed busy and merely winked at him encouragingly. And Meredith had worked her way into another neurosurgery with Dr. Weller in the early evening, keeping her occupied. Now, as the time neared nine, he was practically frantic with anticipation as he sat waiting for her in the hospital lobby.

His fingers gripped the arms of a taupe vinyl-covered chair as he steadied his breathing, regaining composure for her arrival which was certain to happen any minute now. He shifted a little in the seat, feeling the ring box press up against his leg as he leaned against the arm of the chair.

_You'll be fine. She'll say yes. You are happy together. She's happier now._

The elevator announced its arrival on the lobby level, and he inhaled deeply as he watched its occupants exit. Meredith moved casually out of the elevator, a navy colored trench coat enveloping her body and a brown satchel swaying against her hip. She didn't notice that he was already in the lobby watching her, and despite the tired circles lining her eyes, she took his breath away.

"Meredith," he shouted, drawing her attention towards him.

She jumped a little at the sound of her name but smiled immediately as she recognized the voice and turned in his direction.

He stood up and moved towards her.

"Hi," she whispered as she stood in front of him.

"Hi," he whispered back. He reached his hands up to help her fix the collar of her coat and ran his fingers gently through her silky hair in the process. He could tell that she had just brushed it, probably after changing out of her scrubs to get ready to go home.

He leaned in and kissed her briefly but passionately on the lips, relishing in the nearness of her. His anxiety melted away as he pulled away from her mouth and watched her look lovingly upon him. She was happy, and as long as they were together, he didn't think that would change.

He reached down and grabbed her hand, squeezing it gently as he escorted her out the hospital doors.

"I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted," Meredith sighed.

"Not _too_ tired, I hope," Derek pouted.

"Too tired for what?" she asked, arching her eyebrow at him.

"Well, I was hoping that we could spend some quality time together tonight. Maybe order in some food, take a bath, relax a little," Derek said, trying his best to be cool and persuasive.

"That sounds amazing," Meredith sighed. She had been dreaming of the bathtub all day long. "Did you drive here this morning?"

"No, I walked so we'd only have one car to take back," Derek explained. It was only a little lie. He had driven his car in the morning, but he used it during the afternoon to go ring shopping. Only later did he drop it off at their apartment so he could prepare the apartment for her arrival.

"Good. You can drive," she said, passing him her keys. He smiled warmly at her as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, hugging her close to him as they walked to her SUV.

She moved her own arm to idle around his waist, savoring the sensation of having him so close to her. As long as she could be with him and fulfill her promise of sex from the morning, she didn't care what else was on the agenda.


	3. Chapter 3

The short drive to the apartment went by quickly. Derek and Meredith talked casually about their patients and procedures from the day and started brainstorming a grocery list for their housewarming party. Even if Izzie was going to make food, Derek insisted that they should provide plenty of snacks and alcohol. After all, the first party that they hosted at their place needed to be perfect, he explained.

The parking lot for their apartment complex was fairly empty. It was a Friday night, so Meredith assumed that many of the tenants were probably out on the town. She opened the car door and slid her foot down to the rocky pavement, relieved that it wasn't terribly uneven as the driveway to the trailer had been. As she stood up, closed her door, and started to walk towards the main entrance, the sound of Derek's cell phone interrupted her thoughts.

Derek stopped and pulled out the phone, staring at the caller ID. A small frown slid across his lips as he looked at the number and put the phone back in his pocket.

"Is everything okay?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah, it's fine. Just my sister. I'll call her back tomorrow," Derek sighed. He did not want the distraction of talking to his family just yet. He could only assume that Mark had let the information slip to one of Derek's sisters given that he still kept in contact with them all.

"Which one?" Meredith inquired curiously as she unlocked the front door.

"Kathy," Derek replied coolly. He followed her into the tiled lobby of the building, heading towards the elevator.

"She's the oldest, right?" Meredith continued to interrogate him. He didn't talk about his family very often even though she was pretty sure that he got along well enough with everyone in it.

"Yes," he confirmed as his phone beeped to notify him of voicemail. He quickly reached into his pocket to silence the phone. He didn't want any interruptions.

The elevator of the building was much smaller than the one at Seattle Grace, and wood panels covered its walls. It was a short ride up to their apartment on the fifth floor, and Derek couldn't help but shift nervously behind Meredith in the rear of the confined space. She smiled skeptically as she heard him fidget, and she wondered what was going on.

The elevator doors opened, inviting them to their floor. Derek walked ahead of Meredith and unlocked the apartment door. He inhaled deeply as he turned the door knob, knowing that he'd be proposing in minutes – seconds possibly. He walked in and turned on the lights, allowing Meredith to follow behind.

Meredith gasped as she looked around the room. Dozens of long-stemmed red roses and white calla lilies sat in vases on various tables and windowsills. A particularly large bouquet waited on the dining room table, and champagne flutes flanked each side.

"Derek…wow…what's all this for?" Meredith asked as she inhaled the sweet fragrance of the flowers in the room. Her eyes were sparkling despite the dim light settings in their apartment at night.

He took her hand, running his fingers over her cool, silky skin, and slowly led her into the room.

She looked at him, suddenly confused. "Derek?"

"Do you remember the first time I brought you to the trailer?" he asked. His eyes were an intense blue as they looked at her.

She smiled at him, recalling the moment. "Of course," she whispered. "How could I forget that?"

"That night, I told you many things, but I should have told you more," Derek explained.

"Like that you had a wife?" Meredith asked, unsure what was causing this walk down memory lane and scared about what else he had left out. She didn't think that she could handle any more secrets or lies.

"Well, uh, yeah, but… that's not what I was, um, getting at," Derek admitted, a little caught off guard by a comment he should have seen coming.

_Damn it. Pull this together, Derek. You can do this…_

"Meredith," he started again as she looked at him nervously. He hoped that he could remember enough of that conversation to pull this off. All day, he had been trying to remember it, and he thought that he had pieced together enough details to make it perfect. "Even though you've never met most of my family, you should probably know that I have four sisters, nine nieces, and five nephews. Coffee ice cream is still my favorite, though I'm starting to enjoy your little pints of strawberry, and I sneak bites sometimes at night while you are sleeping."

Meredith shifted nervously and raised an eyebrow at his confession. She'd always suspected that he was eating her ice cream, but she was still afraid of what else he would reveal.

"My mother's maiden name: Maloney. I will always prefer single-malt scotch over tequila, and I still like the occasional cigar. I like to fly fish, and I cheat less on morning crosswords now that I can get you to help me. I still love Hemingway and The Clash, and my favorite color is blue – any shade that brings out the color of your eyes. I will never again ride a motorcycle, and I will never dance in public—unless it's with you on our wedding day. And all of my land – the land and the trailer that I didn't know what to do with – well, I want to build a house there, Meredith. Not now, but someday. Someday soon. A house big enough for us and a couple of kids and a dog. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You're the love of my life. So Meredith," he paused, pulling out the ring as he got down on one knee. "Meredith Grey, will you marry me?"

Meredith gasped as her eyes darted between Derek and the ring, still trying to process the question. She hadn't even realized that she had been holding her breath for the entirety of his proposal. Eventually her vision was blurred by tears as waves of emotion flooded her body. He had finally asked. Despite her insistence that she didn't want it right away, she had been longing for this moment for…forever.

"Meredith?" he stammered nervously, suddenly less confident. He hadn't been prepared for any real delayed response.

"Yes!" she sobbed. "Yes! Yes! Yes!" she continued, jumping up and down with excitement.

Derek quickly stood up and wrapped his arms around her. He lifted her off the ground and spun her around until they nearly fell over from dizziness.

He carefully slipped the ring over her finger, breathlessness taking them over as the room continued to spin.

"It's beautiful," Meredith sighed as she felt the weight of the ring on her finger.

"You're beautiful," Derek whispered, as he pulled her back to him and kissed her passionately. His tongue quickly parted her lips to meet hers, and he couldn't wait to make love to her.

Meredith ran her fingers through Derek's hair, pressing her body closely to him to feel his warmth as her mind raced in a million different directions.

_Fiancé_. _We're actually going to get married. He really wants this. I really want this…_

She pulled away from Derek and looked down at her hand again, needing to confirm that this was really happening.

"I love you so much," he whispered as he watched her study the ring on her finger.

"I love you, too," she replied, a broad smile spreading across her lips. He had never seen her look so happy.

"Shall I start a bath?" he asked. He slid his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close to him once again.

"Sure," she replied. She remained enveloped by his warmth as they walked towards their bedroom.

Derek's phone began ringing violently again.

"I'm going to ignore that call, too," he whispered as he turned the power off on his phone.

"Good. I'm not interested in sharing you tonight," Meredith cooed as she leaned in to kiss him. Her fingers worked at the buttons on his coat and shirt as she pushed him through the room and towards the bathroom, and he helped remove her jacket, letting his lips start a trail of feathery kisses along her jaw and neck.

"We're getting married," Meredith whispered, her excitement palpable.

"Yes," Derek replied. He pulled away to remove his gray undershirt, exposing the muscular contours of his chest.

Meredith's fingers immediately gravitated towards him, tracing the outlines of skin and hair as she slid her hands lower down his body. She grazed his stomach lightly before slipping her hands along his hips and under the waistband of his pants, drawing him towards her.

"I'm going to be your wife," Meredith continued, feeling her own heat build as he pulled off her shirt and unclasped her bra, exposing her hard nipples to the cool air and his warm fingers.

"My wife," he agreed as he moved his mouth hungrily towards her breasts. His tongue danced little circles around the dark pink center before he closed his lips around its point, gently pulling it into a little peak with his teeth.

"Oh, god…" Meredith whispered. "We'll do the bath later. I want you now."

Without verbalizing any response, Derek guided her body towards the bed, laying her down against the cool pillows. His hands and lips never left her chest, and she felt herself squirming to align her body better with Derek's. They were both still wearing pants, but she could feel his arousal pressing against her leg. She kicked off her shoes and slid her sock-covered feet against the back of Derek's calves, encouraging him to do the same with his shoes. Her hands reached to work at his khaki pants with a frenzied pace as she felt him kiss a hot trail down her smooth stomach, but he was just out of reach.

Derek's fingers tugged at the button and zipper of Meredith's jeans, pushing them away from her warm skin. His hands slid easily along her hips under her black panties, and soon all remaining pieces of fabric covering both of their bodies were removed. He moved eagerly back to her mouth, kissing her passionately while his fingers explored the slick pocket of skin at the vee of her legs. Touching. Teasing. Tormenting.

Meredith slid her own hands around the length of him, feeling his own wetness as her fingers caressed the tip. She tugged at him, trying to guide him closer to her, but he resisted.

"Derek," she pouted breathlessly. Her hips moved instinctively as he continued teasing her, tracing large figure eights between her clit and the opening that waited for him. His fingers slid inside briefly, causing her to gasp, before returning to repeat the pattern over and over again until neither one could stand it.

"Please," she begged. "I need you…now…"

Derek lifted his body off of the bed and hovered over her, pausing a moment to stare at her eyes wide with expectation. He kneeled between her legs and slid his arms underneath her shoulder blades to rest his hands on her shoulders. The moment he buried himself inside her, a loud groan escaped his lips.

Meredith moaned at the sensation of having him fill her. Her eyes rolled back and her fingers clawed at his broad shoulders.

"Oh, Meredith…Meredith…" he panted as he drove himself into her deeper and harder than he thought possible, pausing occasionally to slow down and regain control of his strong desire to release inside her.

"Please don't stop," Meredith urged. She pushed her hands tightly against his muscular rear and began bucking her hips against him, making it impossible for him show any hesitation. Their gasping and groaning grew with each pleasure-filled movement as their bodies rapidly built towards climax.

"Oh…I'm going to…I'm…" Meredith panted before screaming loudly. Waves of orgasm rippled through her body as Derek continued sliding himself in and out of her, and she felt herself contract and spasm against his hard, thick shaft. The sensation of it quickly sent Derek into his own ecstasy, and he pulsated inside her as he grunted wildly.

The two laid silently for several moments, bodies intertwined, as they fought to catch their breath.

"Engagement sex…" Meredith said finally, breaking the silence.

"Engagement sex," Derek echoed.

"I could get used to this," she purred as he rolled off her body.

"Me too. But don't forget married sex," he smiled. His hand slid down her arm before settling at her ring finger. He pulled it up in front of them so they could both admire the ring sparkling from her hand.

"I don't know. I can't see how it gets better than this," she replied and leaned over to kiss him once more.

The sound of Meredith's cell phone ringing interrupted their moment, and Meredith quickly pulled away, slightly confused.

"You don't need to get that," Derek sighed.

"I know. I'm just curious who is calling me now," Meredith said as she reached down to the floor for her pants. She pulled her iPhone out of the pocket and looked at the incoming call. "It's Mark," she announced. Her eyebrows crinkled a little as she debated whether or not she should answer it. It was weird for him to call her.

"He's probably just calling to congratulate us. I told him I was going to propose today," Derek assured, pulling her naked body back towards his.

"You did?" Meredith said, surprised.

"Yeah."

"Who else knows?"

"Just Mark, and quite possibly my family if he wasn't able to keep his big mouth shut. But no one else in Seattle. I promise. I thought we could tell them all tomorrow night," Derek explained.

"Okay," Meredith whispered. People knew. Mark knew. It was real.

She leaned back to kiss him, savoring this moment of blissful reality only to be interrupted again. This time, a loud knock pounded against their door. Derek and Meredith looked at each other, both confused.

"Are you expecting someone? Take out or something?" Meredith asked.

"No," Derek said, reaching quickly for his pants as Meredith stood and walked towards the bathroom, looking for her robe. "Maybe you were too loud?" he teased. He hated the fact that someone was at their door, but he didn't think that they could pull off pretending not to be home, not after all of the racket they had just made.

"Me? How about you?" Meredith shot back as she located the red silk robe Derek had given her a month earlier. He suggested that if she didn't want to lounge around naked all morning with him, they could at least cuddle on their balcony in bathrobes.

She wrapped the garment around her body, tying it tightly around her waist.

Derek pulled a tee shirt on and quickly buttoned his pants as the knocking intensified. He moved quickly towards the front door and jerked it open while Meredith hovered in their bedroom doorway, her own curiosity piqued.

"Derek," Mark said frantically.

"Mark? What the hell?" Derek replied, stepping back a little in surprise as Mark walked past him uninvited into the apartment.

Mark could see from the flowers and Meredith's stance in the bedroom doorway that the proposal had already happened, and it made him regret being there even more.

"What are you doing here?" Derek asked, annoyance oozing from his voice as he closed the door and moved back towards Meredith.

"I'm so sorry, Derek. I didn't want to have to do this, but you weren't answering your phones, and…"

"What…" Derek urged.

"It's your mom, Derek. Kathy called me because she couldn't reach you." He looked at the ring on Meredith's finger, knowing that he would be ruining their night. "I'm so sorry, man. I'm so, so sorry," Mark continued, his eyes clearly brimming with tears.

Derek's body slumped back against Meredith a little as he braced himself for what Mark was about to say. "What about my mom?" he asked defiantly.

"She died today, Derek. I am so sorry," Mark cried.

Meredith gasped loudly as Derek collapsed against her, shaking his head in disbelief.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: I know, lots of you were upset by the last chapter's ending. And I should warn you, the next few chapters may be pretty dark. But I think it will help Meredith and Derek work some things out over the long run, so please stick with me! I'm all for happy MerDer. More sex and happiness, I say! So we'll get back to that eventually. There will just be some twists and turns along the way. Oh, and that whole reading and reviewing thing? LOVE. IT. And if there was a week that I could use some encouragement, this would be it...**

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Derek curled up on the end of the couch, a steady stream of tears flowing down his face. He couldn't speak, and every time he tried to take a deep breath, he'd choke on the air while inhaling or exhaling, making it sound more like a string of subdued sobs than an attempt at respiration. He had never traversed such emotional extremes. It hardly seemed possible that less than an hour ago he had been making love to his new fiancée, and now he felt like he'd been slammed into by a freight train.

"One in, one out,"he thought bitterly as he considered the size of his family. And his mom hadn't even met Meredith yet. Now she never would. She'd never see how happy this woman made him or how much better his life had become since leaving Addison. She'd never see their wedding or their children or their life together. She'd simply never know.

Meredith sat next to him on the couch, running her fingers through his hair in an attempt to soothe him, but really, she had no idea what to do. She had never seen Derek cry before – not like this – and she couldn't exactly relate to having a close-knit relationship with a mother. It was all incredibly unnerving. Part of her wanted to run and hide and let Mark take care of Derek, but she was too paralyzed to move. And now that they lived together, now that she had agreed to spend the rest of her life with him, where could she possibly go?

So they sat in silence waiting for someone to say something – anything – to break the tension.

Meredith finally shifted and spoke.

"Do they know what happened?" she asked softly, scared of the response.

"Um, not exactly," Mark said after clearing his throat. "I guess Nancy was going to drop the kids off with Mom, and when she got there, she found her in bed. They thought she was napping at first," he explained. He slumped over in a dark blue oversized chair across from the newly engaged couple, barely drawing his eyes away from the floor. He had delivered this news, and now he didn't know what else to say.

Derek's body tensed up, his shoulders taut with tension. The only release that he could find was in the sobs that he was fighting so hard to hold back.

Meredith bit her lip as she watched. She wished she could do something for him, but she didn't know what. She wrapped her arms around him and laid her head against his back. The sensation of her touch calmed him slightly, and he turned towards her so he could wrap his arms around her tightly and bury his head in her neck. He was clutching her so fiercely that she almost felt like she was suffocating, and his tears were creating a wet spot along the collar of her robe.

"Shhh…I'm so sorry, Derek. I'm so sorry…" she soothed, but she knew that nothing she could say would make any difference to him now.

"I'm going to call Kathy back and book our plane tickets," Mark announced as he stood up. He walked towards the apartment's balcony and exited through its sliding glass door to leave Meredith and Derek in relative privacy. He couldn't handle watching Derek like this, and he largely felt the same sense of loss. Even though he and Derek weren't biological brothers, he had always felt a closer connection to the members of the Shepherd family than his own. He and Mark had been best friends since elementary school, and after his own mom walked out on his alcoholic father, abandoning him in the process, he was practically adopted by the Shepherds. The phone call from Kathy was like learning that his own mom had died.

Meredith continued to hold Derek, listening as his breathing returned to a more regular pace.

"I…I barely even talked to her this year," Derek whispered, his voice filled with regret.

"I know," Meredith replied.

"We used to be so close, but I didn't want to deal with her asking me about Addison or pressuring me to come back to New York, so I…I shut her out, Mere, and now…now she's…"

"She loved you, Derek. I'm sure of that," Meredith replied, not knowing if that made things any better. After all, Ellis loved Meredith, too, but certainly it hadn't been enough. It wasn't enough to make her feel okay about the years of complications in their relationship or the wounds that still smarted from Ellis's spiteful words.

"She would have loved you, too," he whispered. He pulled away from Meredith and looked at her, his beautiful blue eyes now bloodshot, glossy, and red-rimmed. He delicately moved his hand to Meredith's face, swiping a few stray hairs back away from her face.

She felt like she was being studied by him – analyzed – and she immediately felt uncomfortable. Even making eye contact was difficult because she couldn't bear to see him look so broken. And she suspected that she'd be seeing that look a lot in the next few days.

"I'm sorry I got your robe wet," Derek sighed, looking at the discolored shoulder that he had been crying on.

"Whatever, you're allowed," Meredith responded, standing up. "But I think I'm going to go put some real clothes on with Mark here and all," she continued as she backed up towards the bedroom.

Derek simply nodded, and she could feel his eyes following her as she left the room.

To be honest, she wasn't terribly uncomfortable in the robe, even around Mark. It covered more than enough of her naked body, but she needed to get out of the room. She needed a few minutes to pull herself back together and strategize how she could help Derek cope with this. Normally, with patients at least, she was good at being a compassionate and supportive person, but all of that seemed to break down when it came to those close to her. Instead, she became a punching bag of inadequacy. When Susan died, for example, Thatcher immediately took his frustrations out on her, making it abundantly clear that she couldn't provide any solace for his grief. And now, Derek. How could she possibly relate to what he was going through when she had actually felt relieved to have her own mother died?

Meredith slowly stripped out of the robe, feeling the sleeve catch on the ring now adorning her left hand. The tugging sensation and realization of what had obstructed the sleeve made her inhale deeply. She carefully pulled the sleeve away and stared at the large diamond.

_I'm his fiancée. His fiancée and this…this is all so wrong…We can't get engaged now. Not like this…_

Her eyes teared up as she considered how her own emotional pendulum was swinging. An hour ago she had been so happy, but now, the perfect engagement was tarnished.

_Whenever we think of this night, we'll think of this…his mom…it's not right…_

She slid the ring up her finger before putting it back in place, debating whether or not to take it off or leave it on. She'd talk to Derek about it. Not now, but later. Soon.

Meredith pulled some sweatpants and a tee shirt out of her dresser and got dressed, exhaustion pummeling her from every side. She looked over at the clock, reading its bright red digits. Eleven o'clock. She was surprised – it felt so much later. She eyed her bed longingly, the sheets and blankets still in disarray from their lovemaking. Something told her that it would be a while before she actually got to go to sleep. With a final, sad sigh, Meredith slipped on some socks and wandered back into the living room.

Mark sat back on the chair, a laptop perched on his legs as he looked for flights to the east coast. Derek continued to sit on the couch, but now a glass of single malt scotch was cradled in his hand, and the rest of the bottle wasn't too far away.

"There are three seats available on a 9:30 out of Seattle with a stop in Minneapolis," Mark commented.

"Three?" Meredith asked, the realization that she was going to Derek's mom's funeral registering in her overtired brain.

"Well, yeah, I'm going too," Mark replied defensively.

"No, I mean, yes, I know you're going, but…" Meredith stumbled, flustered.

"Meredith," Derek whispered, his eyes wide. "You're going with me, right? Please, Mere. I can't do this without you," he pleaded.

She looked at him and saw his features cloudy with desperation.Immediately she was consumed by a tidal wave of guilt for even implying that she wouldn't be by his side. Sure, meeting the Shepherd family was completely, entirely, absolutely terrifying, but it was something she would inevitably have to do. And if her presence could make him feel better, then she needed to do it.

"Of course I'm going to go. I'm sorry, Derek. I don't know what I was thinking. I'll go," she reassured him.

She walked out to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water, continuing to listen to the conversation through the open floor plan.

"Come back Saturday or Sunday?" Mark asked Derek as he continued to click the touchpad on his computer.

"Sunday," Derek confirmed.

Meredith nearly choked as she realized they meant _next_ Sunday. She'd be spending over a week surrounded by Derek's family in completely unfamiliar territory with people going through a painful ordeal that she could not relate to. A few days, maybe. Four days seemed like a reasonable number. But a week…A week of four sisters, nine nieces and five nephews and the extended family…

"I suspect that you can get the time off from the chief," Mark chided Meredith as she walked back into the room. The apprehension she felt in facing a week of their family did not go unnoticed by him. "Derek, can Meredith take the week off?" he asked with a weak smirk on his face as he preempted any possible excuse she could manage.

Derek let out a slightly exasperated laugh and nodded before taking down more scotch in increasingly large swigs. He was treating the drink more like a round of tequila shots than one that was sipped slowly. He set the empty tumbler on the coffee table and immediately reached for the bottle to refill it.

Meredith flushed with embarrassment. It was so much easier to use work as an excuse when Derek was only an attending. Now, there was no way to circumvent him. A week of Shepherds it would have to be…

"Okay, I'm booking these," Mark said, reaching for his wallet. He pulled out a sleek black leather bi-fold wallet, and withdrew a platinum colored credit card. At first Meredith was a little surprised that Derek wasn't insisting that he pay for it himself, but she figured that neither one probably cared much about spending the money right now. It wasn't a significant sum to either doctor.

Mark typed in his information and then closed up the laptop. He leaned back in the chair with a loud sigh, clearly trying to figure out what to do next.

"Did you get a hold of Kathy?" Derek asked quietly.

"Yeah," Mark responded. "I always forget that it's like two in the morning out there right now, but I'm pretty sure she was still awake anyway. She and Nancy are meeting with the funeral home tomorrow, and then Anna and Sarah are going to fly up with the kids in the early afternoon."

Derek nodded.

"I suspect everything will be taken care of before we get there tomorrow. Our flight doesn't get in until late afternoon with the time change and all," Mark continued.

"Do they know the cause of death yet?" Derek asked coldly.

"No, I don't think so," Mark said, sorry that he couldn't provide that answer.

"How old was she?" Meredith inquired timidly. She suddenly felt like a complete outsider. She couldn't even remember where exactly Sarah and Anna, Derek's younger sisters, even lived, or how many kids they'd have in tow.

"Mom was seventy-six," Derek replied. His voice sounded flat – no longer emotional or broken like before.

Meredith nodded. At that age, there could have been any number of natural causes, and her mind instantly began cataloguing the possibilities—anything to keep herself busy and not say stupid things to upset Derek.

Mark let out a long, tired sigh and placed Derek's laptop on the table as he stood to get up.

"We should leave for the airport around seven tomorrow morning. I can drive. I'll pick you up then?" Mark instructed as he pulled his black leather jacket over his broad shoulders.

"That sounds good," Meredith answered when Derek didn't. He just stared at the tumbler of scotch, rolling it in his hands so that the beverage ran around the inside of the glass like a roller coaster spinning up and down along a circular track. "Thanks for everything, Mark. Really," she continued, trying to say the things Derek would have said if he was his normal self. She stood up and started walking with Mark towards the door.

"No problem. I'm sorry again…about…interrupting and…well, the news…" Mark stammered. He looked down at Meredith's ring again, hoping that this wouldn't hurt their plans in any lasting way.

"It's…fine. It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault," she assured him.

"Well, okay. Goodnight, guys," Mark called as he let himself out.

Meredith locked the door behind him and returned to the living room. She desperately wanted to talk to Derek, but she wondered if maybe it should wait until he was feeling better, or, at least not drowning his sorrows in scotch.

"Derek," Meredith whispered, scared of what thoughts she could be interrupting. She'd try talking a little. No pushing, just feeling things out. "If you want to take it back, I'll understand…"

"What?" Derek gasped, a pained expression lining his face. "Take what back, Meredith?"

"The proposal. You know, given the timing and all. I don't want you to feel like we need to do this now," Meredith explained cautiously.

"Do you want me to take it back?" Derek asked, starting to get a little angry.

"Well, maybe the timing is bad. I don't want you to think back to our engagement and have sad memories attached," Meredith rationalized. The more she said it, the more she was convincing herself.

"But do you _want_ me to take it back?" Derek stressed.

"I don't know," she whispered. And that was the truth. She didn't have any idea what she wanted right now.

"Meredith," he sighed, placing the now empty tumbler back on the table and turning towards her. "Getting engaged to you was the best thing that has happened to me in…forever. It's the best thing, period. Please don't make me lose that, too."

Meredith bit her lower lip, knowing that this was a battle she would have to surrender. With a comment like that, there was no way that she could argue with him even if she suddenly was feeling terribly insecure about it all.

"Okay," she replied gently. "But let's wait to announce it to your family, okay? I haven't met them yet, and this is a weird time for you to announce our engagement. We don't have to tell them or anything."

"Fine," Derek responded weakly. He didn't have the energy to get her to change her mind. Not tonight.

Meredith looked back down at her ring, shifting it around on her finger as she adjusted to the feel of it. She wondered if her finger would feel empty when she had to take it off for the week. She didn't even realize that she was yawning as she did so.

"You should go get some sleep," Derek encouraged.

"What about you?" she asked, concerned. He never suggested that she go to bed without him.

"I'm not going to be able to sleep for a while," he responded.

"Oh," she murmured. "I can stay up with you." She looked at him sweetly, trying to figure out what it was that he needed.

"No, that's okay. You should sleep. I'll be fine," he insisted. He poured the remaining contents of the bottle of scotch back into his tumbler and drank it quickly before running his hand up through his hair and leaning back into the sofa. She could tell by his body language that he was just as tired as she was – maybe even more so, but he was also incredibly stubborn.

"Don't stay up too late, okay? I don't like it when your side of the bed is empty," she added. She leaned over to kiss him goodnight, but he was largely unresponsive. He quickly grazed her lips with his before pulling away, a far cry from the passion he exhibited earlier in the evening.

"I love you," she announced, hoping for some further response.

"I love you, too," he replied. A weak smile crossed his face, and then faded.

She stood and watched him silently for a moment before retreating to their bedroom in defeat. The gravity of the situation weighed on her heavily, and she didn't have any more ideas for how to help him. She'd have to settle for going to sleep sad and alone on what should have been the happiest evening of her life.


	5. Chapter 5

Meredith lingered in a state somewhere between being asleep and being awake, her body conflicted in Derek's absence. Even if he didn't want her to stay out in the living room with him, she wanted to wait up and make sure he was okay. But waiting up for anyone while lying in bed completely exhausted is hard work. Her eyes slowly drifted shut and the pace of her breathing became much more subdued. Only when she started to snore did she wake up, wondering what could have caused so much noise. The pattern repeated until Derek came into the room and hovered at the doorway, watching her slowly drift to sleep in the pale glow of the lamp on her nightstand. She was still wearing the sweatpants and tee shirt from earlier in the evening, and he watched as the fabric moved softly against her body with each rhythmic inhalation and exhalation.

He slowly climbed into bed next to Meredith, the scent of scotch heavy on his breath. Despite his best efforts to let her sleep, she immediately stirred.

"Hey," she said quietly, her eyes flickering slightly as they adjusted to the light.

"Sorry," he slurred, leaning in closer to her.

"It's fine. Are you okay?" she asked.

He pulled her towards him and started kissing her neck, dancing trails of desire with his tongue along her collarbone. Now that she was awake, he desperately wanted to escape inside of her.

Her body tensed a little at his abrupt movement, but she relaxed as she felt him running his hands over her body. He was clearly intoxicated, and the role reversal was a little unusual for Meredith. Usually she was the one that was drunk when he took advantage of her, and certainly there had never been a time when they had sex and he was the only one drunk. But tonight, she hadn't had anything, and Derek...Derek had lots.

"Derek," she whispered, interrupting his movements.

He pulled away and stared at her with stormy eyes, hunger apparent in his gaze. "I want you," he growled. "I need this," he continued, rolling on top of her and pinning her between him and the sheets. She immediately felt his erection pressing into her pelvic bone as he continued sucking on her earlobe.

"Okay," she conceded. She had never seen him so forceful or demanding, and his intensity was a bit of an aphrodisiac. While she momentarily considered resisting him, she ultimately decided not to. If he could find solace in her body, then she was willing to offer it to him. She spread her legs so he could press against her, and immediately began returning his forceful kisses.

He sat up, eyes wild, and pulled off her shirt and pants, giving himself full access to her body. His hands gravitated towards her breasts, pulling roughly at her nipples. Waves of tortured delight reverberated through Meredith's body, and she squirmed against him as she felt him pinch her nipples harder and harder. Her gasps and groans at each movement gave him all the encouragement he needed to continue even more aggressively, substituting his tongue and teeth for his fingers as he tugged and twisted at her flesh.

She reached down and clawed at his pants, feeling him strain against the taut fabric as he ground desperately against the palm of her hand like a horny teenager. His movement prevented her from successfully undoing the button on his pants, and she hissed at him in frustration.

He pulled away quickly, unfastening the button and sliding the zipper down, but he didn't remove his pants. Instead, he pushed her legs open even further – as far as he could reasonably take them without hurting her – and hovered over her glistening sex. She writhed a little against the sheets as she waited for him to touch her, and she felt her hands crinkling the satiny fabric in her hands, needing something to hold onto.

His tongue met her body with long strokes that plunged into her hungrily before sliding up to her clit and back again. His hands were gripping her inner thighs tightly, making it impossible for her to move or squirm, and she felt her muscles tense as he ran through her.

"Relax," he grumbled, his voice hoarse and gravelly, not sweet and gentle like usual. It was more of a command than a reassurance.

Meredith arched her back a little and pushed her head back into the pillow as she tried to give into him, but she wanted more than his tongue was able to provide.

"Derek, let me have you…please," she begged. She moved her hands down into his wavy tendrils of black hair, tugging on it to encourage his head to move back up towards hers.

He released her legs from his grip and stood up, trying to remove his clothes quickly. He removed his tee shirt and threw it into a far corner of the room, completely unconcerned with where it landed and completely unable to break his gaze from her naked, waiting body.

Meredith watched him anxiously, anticipating the moment when he'd push into her and cause her to strain to accommodate him. Her eyes narrowed as she eyed him eagerly, and she subconsciously licked her lips as she watched him undress. She slid her right hand over her sore breasts and down over her stomach, through her coarse pubic hair, and finally onto her stiff clitoris. She fondled herself gently as she watched him spring out of the black boxer briefs that he slid down his muscular quads and calves before they pooled at his ankles. He kicked them away angrily, disturbed by the seconds of delay they created.

He crawled back onto the bed, moving her hand away from touching herself in the process. Rather than releasing her hand, however, he interlaced his fingers with hers and pinned her hand up over her head. He then found her left hand and repeated the action.

"God, I need you," he groaned as he secured both hands tightly in his.

"I need you, too," she whispered as she felt him position the tip of his hot, thick shaft against her.

"How much?" he asked as he slid himself just barely inside of her.

"A lot," she murmured as she waited for more.

"How _much_ do you need me?" he demanded, sliding in just a little further. His eyes were brooding and bloodshot as they peered into hers, and his breath was still misty with scotch.

"More," she pleaded. She contracted her muscles around the tip of his penis in a futile attempt to draw him into her.

"How much?" he insisted, continuing his slow descent.

"Derek…I need you…I really fucking need you _now_," she begged. She was completely frustrated that she couldn't reach down and push him further into her, and she wasn't finding much success in thrusting her hips up towards him either. "Please, Derek. Please…I need you."

"I need you, too," he whispered as he plunged into her completely. He continued pinning her down as he drove in and out of her, testing the limits of both of their bodies in an act that was much more primal than lovemaking. She continued contracting around him, allowing her to feel every movement more intensely than ever, and he groaned loudly from the tightness of her grip.

"I…need…you…I…need…you," he grunted repeatedly as he picked up his pace, careening into her faster and harder as she writhed helplessly below him.

"Fuck…me…" she demanded as she felt the tension building from her core, crying for release.

He thrust into her over and over and over again before sending her trembling in ecstasy, screaming his name amidst her frenzy. _Derek. Derek. Derek. _ It was all the encouragement he needed to let himself climax. His face scrunched up and his eyes rolled back into his head as he felt himself come inside her, enjoying the pulsating spasms that sent shivers through his body before he collapsed on top of her, completely sated.

"Oh, Derek," Meredith moaned as he released her hands from his grip and wrapped his arms around her, holding her like a teddy bear. She ran her hands through his hair, teasing the curls with her fingers while he lingered inside her. His face looked pained and tense, not relaxed as it normally did after sex.

"I need you, Meredith," he gasped. "Please don't leave."

"I won't," she whispered, shocked by his vulnerability. "I promise."

"I love you so much," he said, tears forming in the corners of his eyes as he looked up at her. The combination of exhaustion, alcohol, and devastation were taking quite a toll on him, and he couldn't control his emotions particularly well at the moment.

She kissed his forehead tenderly, hoping to wipe away some of his pain. "I love you, too. I'm so sorry about your mom," she soothed.

Derek pulled away abruptly, irritated by the mention of his mother and the reality check that provided. For a few brief moments, buried inside Meredith, he was able to forget – just a little – but not anymore. Now, gravity was pulling him back to earth and the sad reality that knocked on his door a few hours before.

"We should sleep. We'll need to get up early," he grumbled as he worked his body under the covers, set his alarm clock, and turned out the light. He faced away from Meredith, clearly not interested in spooning her, and she hesitated as she decided whether or not she should wrap her own limbs around him as he fell asleep. She ultimately decided against it, concluding that he probably just needed some space – space to think about the woman who'd given birth to him and whom she'd never know. And now, in her own little bubble of space on the king-sized bed, she felt almost as lonely as she had before he came in.

Meredith stared up at the ceiling, no longer gripped by exhaustion as she had been earlier. She was solidly awake. She stared at the clock, discerning its red digits in the darkness. _Two-thirty_. If she fell asleep now, she could maybe get three hours of sleep. She'd need at least four to let her body really restore itself. Three seemed pointless. She'd function just as well on no sleep at all. She turned in the bed towards Derek, watching his chest rise and fall softly.

"Derek?" she whispered, testing to see if he was still awake.

He didn't respond.

She watched him continue to sleep, happy that he was able to do so. He looked peaceful, not pained as before, and it was comforting to know that there was some respite from his sadness. She knew the next few days would be emotionally grueling for him, and he'd need all the sleep he could get. They both would.

But not tonight. Tonight, Meredith would not be getting any sleep.

She sighed and turned away from him, glancing back at the clock. It was almost three.

Meredith carefully wiggled her legs out from under the sheets and slid out of bed, careful not to interrupt Derek's dozing. She found her tee shirt and sweatpants on the floor, and inched cautiously out into the living room, relieved that Derek seemed undisturbed by her escape even as she closed their bedroom door.

The rest of the apartment seemed unusually still and lifeless, although she suspected that all places felt that way around three in the morning. A few shadows cascaded around the apartment, but she didn't see any real traffic outside as she glanced out the window. It was a cloudy night, and the only available light bouncing into the room seemed to come from streetlights reflecting in from below. She carefully made her way towards a living room lamp and turned it on before collapsing into their oversized arm chair. She spotted her iPhone on the coffee table, and quickly grabbed it, not even hesitating before dialing Cristina. She needed to talk to someone, and Cristina was her person.

"Someone better have died for you to be calling at this hour," Cristina barked into the phone, clearly torn from sleep moments before.

"Cristina!" Meredith replied, stunned by the greeting.

"You have two minutes before I'm falling back to sleep. Go."

"Cris, Derek's mom died," Meredith confessed.

"Shit," Cristina replied quietly, clearly uncomfortable. "What are the odds…What happened?"

"We don't know yet. His sister found her in bed today. They think she died in her sleep, but we don't know what caused it or anything," Meredith explained as she started fiddling with her hair, twisting it in little spirals around her finger.

"How's he handling it?" Cristina asked. She sounded genuinely concerned. She and Derek had been slowly bonding more since Meredith moved in with him. He had been more supportive of her in Burke's absence, and he seemed interested in building a better relationship with his girlfriend's best friend.

"He's a wreck. I think they were close," Meredith replied.

"That sucks," Cristina stated matter-of-factly.

"Yup. It sucks," Meredith agreed quickly as she stared at the ring still weighing on her left hand. She contemplated telling Cristina about the proposal, but decided against it. Even though Derek said he didn't want to take it back, she thought he could probably use a few days to figure things out. He wasn't in any emotional state to make decisions – particularly the long term, life-altering ones that an engagement entailed. She'd give him a chance to change his mind, and the fewer people that knew about it, the less embarrassing it would be if he did.

And she worried that eventually he would.

Meredith bit her lower lip nervously, almost anticipating his inevitable rejection, before she snapped back into reality from Cristina's voice.

"Do you have to go to the funeral?" she asked.

"Yeah. We're flying out to Connecticut early tomorrow morning with Mark. We'll be there about a week," Meredith continued. "Me, Derek, Mark, four sisters, nine nieces, five nephews, husbands, extended family, the whole Shepherd clan…_and me_…"

"Well, you had to meet them eventually, I guess," Cristina said, trying to sound supportive.

"I guess," Meredith sighed. "I would have preferred better circumstances, though, you know?"

"Of course," Cristina replied. "Am I supposed to do something? Send flowers or some shit like that? I mean, I obviously didn't know her, but for the family?"

"I don't know. Is that what people do?" Meredith asked. She had escaped the funeral scene her entire adult life, not having one for her mother, and being uninvited from Susan's.

"I'll ask Izzie. She'll know," Cristina sighed. "Call me when you get there. You know, to tell me how much like the Stepford wives his sisters are and all that."

"Okay," Meredith agreed.

"And I promise, even if you call me in the middle of the night, I will not answer the phone that way again. Lesson learned."

Meredith giggled a little.

"Sorry for calling so late. Goodnight, Cris," Meredith practically whispered into the phone.

"Goodnight, Mere. And tell Derek…I'm sorry, too."

Meredith shut off her phone and lounged back into the chair. She kicked her feet up onto the ottoman and pulled a chenille throw over her body.

_I'll just sit here for a couple of minutes before I find a book to read or watch TV_, she thought blearily as her eyelids began feeling heavy.

Within moments, she was fast asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

When the alarm first started chirping at five-thirty in the morning, Derek's immediate reaction was to shut it off and bury his head under the pillows. It was still dark, and his head was throbbing from dehydration. He wanted to curl up for a few more hours, go in late to work, and try to sleep off the hangover.

But then he remembered that he wasn't going to work today.

And the hangover felt so much worse.

"Mere," he moaned from under the pillows. His right arm flailed over to Meredith's side of the bed to reach her, but all he could touch were blankets, pillows, and empty space. Meredith wasn't in bed with him.

He slid over to the space normally occupied by her body, confirming that she was, in fact, absent. Each movement was forced and difficult and seemed to send the room into a swirl that wouldn't stop even if he closed his eyes. He felt like he was on a spinning amusement park ride, and he was more than ready to get off.

He took deep breaths, trying to exhale the remaining alcohol out of his system, but it only made his mouth feel more pasty and dry. He needed water badly, but that would require more movement, and the nearest sink seemed so, so far away.

"Meredith!" he called, voice hoarse and gravely, desperate for her to respond.

The apartment remained still. There were no indications that she was shifting or moving anywhere, and since every little sound reverberated in his head, he thought he would notice. Even moving the sheets on the bed made too much noise for him.

She was definitely not close by.

"Meredith!" he tried again, louder this time, as he rolled back to the edge of the bed. His once deep breaths were now shallow as he moved around. Even rolling from one side of the bed was a chore requiring all of his energy, and the spiraling room was not much of a reward.

Still no movement in the apartment.

_What would Mark do? _

He reached his hand down along the floor in large, sweeping movements to find his pants. His fingers brushed against some cottony fabric, and he lifted the material up to the bed, confirming that it was the khaki pants he wore the day before. He felt along the legs of the pants until he found the pockets, and he quickly emptied the contents.

_Two. Send._ _That feels right._

He shielded his eyes with his left hand as he moved the phone towards his ear. The brightness of the LCD screen was too much for his sensitive and tired blue eyes to take, and the ringing sound was far louder than he was prepared for. He quickly held the phone further away, casting his entire face in a ghostly glow from the LCD.

"Hello?" Meredith replied groggily.

"Where are you?" Derek asked impatiently.

"Um…" she hesitated, clearly trying to regain her bearings. "I'm home... Why? Where are you?"

"In bed. I need water," he groaned. He heard the sound of Meredith's footsteps approaching the bedroom door. A light turned on outside the room and created a small glow under the door. When she finally opened it, the bright glare was far too much for him to take and he buried himself under the navy blue blanket and several pillows.

Meredith turned off her cell phone as she watched him hide. "Are you hungover?" she asked, recognizing the tell-tale signs all too well.

"Water!" he hissed.

Meredith smiled slightly, enjoying the role reversal a little. "Okay, hold on," she responded. She walked back to the kitchen and grabbed a couple of bottles of water and several Excedrine. She couldn't remember how full the bottle of scotch had been when the evening started, but she was certain that he had to drink a substantial quantity to finish it off. At the very least, it was enough to make the prospect of flying across the country much more dreadful. She just hoped she'd be able to get him on the plane.

She stumbled back into the bedroom, aware that Derek had not changed his position at all.

"Light. Turn out the light!" he barked as she reentered.

"Are you a Gremlin? _Bright light! Bright light_!" she replied, doing her best Gizmo imitation from one of the ultimate movies of her childhood.

"Fuck you," he grunted.

"Ooh, testy this morning!"

"I don't do this to you when you're hungover," he whined.

"Fair enough," she responded as she passed him the pills and the bottle of water. He chugged it down anxiously, not even seeming to notice when some trickled out the side of his mouth and down onto the sheets. He needed to drink quickly so he could lie back down.

"Are you going to be okay for the flight?" she asked, suddenly concerned. His hangover seemed worse than she thought.

"I have to be," he grumbled.

"We could try to go later. Get a later flight? You're not in any shape…"

"I'm fine, Mere," he interrupted. While he ordinarily loved the sound of her voice, this morning it sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard.

"Okay," she whispered. She understood his need to be left alone for a little while, and she decided to start getting ready. "I'll shower then."

Derek grunted something incoherent as Meredith moved into the bathroom, and she didn't respond. Her body was stiff from sleeping in the chair, and she was incredibly tired from getting so little sleep. It was as if she had teased her body into thinking that it was going to get a long, restful slumber only to be awoken mid sleep cycle. If he had said something important, he'd probably say it again later. Or call her on her cell phone since that was his preferred method of communication this morning.

Meredith turned on the shower and undressed. The water hit her body in long, rapid sheets that made her feel like she was being blanketed in warmth. The steam began to rise to the ceiling, fogging up the shower doors as she lathered her body. As she worked the soap over her body, she noticed small bruises on her inner thighs from Derek pinning her down, and her nipples were still sore. She winced a little as she ran her hands over these sensitive regions, and she bit her lip as she recalled the encounter that had marked her body. They'd had rough sex before, but never anything quite like this. This was different. Not necessarily bad, just different. She hoped that her body would have some time to recover before he placed such high demands on it again. Given his current state, she suspected she would.

The bathroom door opened quickly, and she heard the sounds of Derek heaving over the toilet. His breathing was hitched, and he was fighting to get his body to expel the alcohol. She remembered that they hadn't even gotten dinner last night, so there probably wasn't anything in his system to help absorb it.

This was bad.

"Der?" she asked softly, peeking her head out of the shower. "Do you want me to make you some toast?"

He crawled down into a ball on the rug in front of the toilet and laid there in fetal position, unable to respond.

"I'll take that as a yes," she mumbled as she quickly lathered and rinsed her hair with lavender shampoo and conditioner to finish her shower. When the spray turned off and she reached for towels, Derek didn't even move. He just continued to squeeze his eyes shut to force out the light of the bathroom vanity. He decided it might be slightly unreasonable to ask her to shower in the dark. But he was still a little tempted to ask.

Meredith tucked her hair into a dark blue towel, wrapped it around her head like a turban, and dried off the rest of her body as fast as she could. Mark was going to pick them up in about an hour, and by the looks of it, she would be packing for Derek, too.

"You should move back to the bed, Der," she encouraged as she hovered over him, using her body to block some of the light.

"Okay," he grumbled.

She bent down and helped him stand up. He clung to her body tightly and followed her blindly back towards the bed, unable to open his eyes. Even in the shadowy bedroom, the light was still unbearable.

"Were you able to keep down the pills or do you need more?" she asked, concerned.

"Yes," he replied.

"Which is it, Derek?"

"I need more," he groaned. She grabbed the bottle and poured out two more before passing the second bottle of water to his dry lips.

"Are you sure you don't want me to call Mark?" she asked. If their roles had been reversed, there was no way that she would be able to make it on a flight across the country. She knew that Derek would resist, but she wanted to remind him of that option.

"We need to go," Derek sighed. "We're getting in late as it is."

"Okay," Meredith responded in defeat. She stood up and walked briskly toward the kitchen so she could make some toast.

_If only I could bring home banana bags from the hospital. It would make hangover recovery so much more efficient…I could start a line of fluids for Derek and he'd be back to almost normal in no time. But this drinking water thing – so inefficient. _

The toaster snagged the two pieces of whole wheat bread and heated them with its bright red coils. Within two minutes, the crisp slices of bread bounced back up, and Meredith put them on a plate for Derek. She briefly contemplated whether or not she should put butter or jam on them, but quickly decided against it. Just keeping down the plain bread would be accomplishment enough. She grabbed a napkin and another bottle of water, and ambled back to the bedroom.

There were many features of Derek that Meredith was used to seeing in the morning. The hair that always looked so well-groomed during the day was always in complete disarray when he woke up, forming spikes and twists in every possible direction and configuration. His jaw was always a bit darker than the night before, reflecting a night's worth of stubble. He was often pale in the morning, except for the side of his face that he had been sleeping on, which always was a darker shade of pink and occasionally imprinted from the pillowcase crinkling. And no matter how much sleep he got, his eyes were always a little dull in the morning, with dark circles lining his lower lashes. Today, as Meredith studied him lying in bed, he displayed all of those attributes but to a much larger extent. He looked strung out and gaunt, his skin pasty and yellow like he was truly ill. His eyes were bloodshot and red rimmed in addition to being sunken and dark. And he looked frail among the blankets, pillows, and sheets, not muscular and powerful as he normally appeared to her in bed. His breathing, however, was more regular than before, and he didn't seem to be fighting the light and noise quite as fiercely. It was improvement, Meredith thought.

"Toast?" she asked softly as she approached the bed and sat next to him.

He looked at her, allowing his eyes to express his gratitude as he sat up a little. Meredith handed him the toast and moved quickly to reposition the pillows to help prop him up. If he stood any chance of making it through the airport terminal and security lines en route to his flight, he would definitely need to conserve his energy now.

Derek nibbled on the toast tentatively, testing whether or not he'd be able to keep it down or if he'd need to flee to the bathroom. Early signs were positive, so he continued eating, taking larger bites as he went along.

"Are you feeling any better yet?" Meredith asked gently. She stood up and sat behind him on the pillows, wrapping her legs around him and pulling him back towards her.

"A little," he sighed as he leaned back towards her body, feeling the damp towel still covering her.

"On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?" She carefully massaged his temples as she waited for his answer.

"About a nine and a half," he replied weakly.

Meredith slid her fingers through his hair, tugging carefully at the roots to relieve tension along his scalp. "And now?"

"Eight and three-quarters."

"That's progress," she murmured. "Progress is good."

"Progress is good," he echoed. He moved his hands up towards hers, sliding his fingers against the delicate skin where her fingers joined the rest of her hand. He was tracing…searching… "Where is your ring?"

"Oh, um…" she paused. For a moment, she had nearly forgotten about it. "It's in the bathroom. I took it off to shower," she explained. "I guess I forgot to put it back on."

Derek nodded and grabbed his water bottle so he could fidget with that instead. "So you're not going to wear it this week?" he asked, hazily remembering their conversation from last night. So much of last night felt like a blur to him right now.

"No, I don't think so. That would kind of give things away, don't you think?" Meredith replied casually.

"But we're still engaged right?" Derek asked, fearful of her response. He needed to know. He needed some sort of affirmation that something was going right for him, because in this moment, feeling nauseous and dehydrated and miserable, he wasn't sure if anything was going right.

"Derek, you have a hangover. We don't need to talk about this right now," Meredith replied as she slid her hands down towards his neck, trying to relieve tension at the nape.

"Mere…" he muttered as he sunk a little lower into bed. That wasn't the answer he was looking for. And if he could muster the energy to turn around and look her directly in the eyes for some sort of response, he would. But he didn't have it in him, and her kneading felt good.

"It's okay, Derek. Really," she reassured him. Part of her was still waiting for him to admit that the proposal was a mistake in light of all the recent developments, and when he did, her guard would be up.

"No, it's not okay," he growled, finding the energy to pull away from her which sent the room into another spiraling black hole along the way. He scrambled for something to hold onto as he steadied himself and slowly turned towards her. "It's a simple question, Meredith. Are we still engaged? I need to know."

His eyes were watering up, a combination of anger and misery fueling their eruption as he waited for her response.

Meredith stared at him momentarily as she tried to formulate some sort of response. _Would "I don't know" be appropriate?_

"Not officially, I guess…But I'm not saying no. I'm definitely _not_ saying no. I still love you," she soothed as best as she could. She genuinely thought that this was for the best – that she was protecting him – both of them – by responding this way.

"Fine," Derek grumbled. He sank back into the bed, turning away from her.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked meekly.

"I'm fine," he replied bitterly.

"Okay. I'm gonna…um…I'm gonna pack. For us. I'll pack for you. You just rest. I'll take care of it," she stammered nervously. Maybe it was just the exhaustion and the hangover. He'd feel better in a few hours. Then they could talk. Engagements, conversations, those were the things that could be put off. But packing – packing when Mark was set to arrive in a half hour – that couldn't wait any longer.

Meredith walked to the bathroom and located her ring on the countertop. The platinum band contrasted well with the black marble, and the diamond glimmered brightly as she moved it around in the light.

She loved the ring. It was perfect and beautiful and symbolized so much about her commitment to Derek and his love for her. It was everything she had ever wanted wrapped up in a three carat package.

Meredith found the black velvet box that the ring came in and gently placed it back inside. It would be safer there for now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: Thanks for being patient as we work through some of this dark and depressing stuff. I promise that it will lighten up relatively soon. Also, an enormous thank you to all of those who took the time to review last week. It's hard to get motivated to write something that's dark when real life is going that way, too. I believe that my writing slump is over, though, as I managed to outline and write several chapters past this one over the weekend. But you might want to continue reviewing…just to, you know…prevent future slumps. :-) Enjoy!**

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Meredith hoped that Mark would be running late as she needed every available second to accomplish the monumental tasks of packing and mobilizing Derek. On most mornings, she would have been immensely proud of herself just to accomplish one of those feats. Today, she had no choice but to take responsibility for both of them.

Derek managed to get out of bed five minutes before Mark was set to arrive, finally giving in to Meredith's insistence that he may feel better after showering and, at the very least, that he needed to get dressed. She listened carefully as he crawled into the shower, and she tried to sustain a conversation with him throughout so she could make sure he didn't try to sleep in there. At least that was the rationale she told herself. In reality, the conversation was motivated by the fact that she had no idea what she was doing, packing for both of them.

Meredith was incredibly familiar with New England from her time at Dartmouth. She knew that the summers were much hotter than in Seattle and the winters were much colder. This time of year, as the region settled into early Fall, they'd need to be prepared for the possibility of warm days and cold nights. As a result, Meredith found herself shifting clothes from a carry-on for each of them to a medium-sized suitcase, and then eventually choosing a large suitcase and garment bag to be shared by both of them. Perhaps the only thing that stopped her from packing their entire wardrobes was Mark's arrival, announced via the ring of Derek's cell phone. Meredith screened the caller ID and answered the phone, sparing Derek the effort.

"Hey, are you here?" Meredith asked, not even bothering with small talk.

"Yeah, I'm in the parking lot."

"Okay, um…" Meredith responded, scanning the room to inventory all of the things she needed to lug down to the curb: a suitcase, a garment bag, her purse, a tote bag, Derek's satchel, a carry-on, and, most importantly, Derek. There was no way. "Uh, you should probably park it and come up. I'm going to need a little help here."

"Did Derek keep going with the scotch last night?" Mark asked.

Meredith could almost _hear_ him smirking.

"Yup," she replied as she watched Derek stumble into his blue jeans and an indigo-colored button down shirt. His expression was pained from the exertion, and she was certain it would take several more bottles of water and a few more hours of sleep before he felt entirely human again.

"I'll be right up," Mark announced, giving Meredith a few final moments to get their things together. She walked over to Derek and rubbed his back a little, trying to get some sort of honest update on how he was feeling.

"Mark's here. He's going to help us load the car," Meredith started.

"I can get it, Mere. I'm fine," Derek interrupted, his temper unusually short.

"Derek, you can barely get dressed. It's okay to let him help," Meredith insisted. The palm of her hand continued to trace circles over Derek's back, feeling the soft cottony fabric over his tense muscles.

"Did you pack my sunglasses?" Derek asked, not even acknowledging Meredith's comment.

"No, I'll find them," Meredith sighed. She stood up and dragged a couple of their bags out towards the living room so they'd be closer to the door. She hated having the sensation that she needed to take care of Derek. It made her feel momentarily unprotected herself, and with her many insecurities, she needed all of the protection she could get from him. But this week, she suspected that she would be largely on her own in that department.

Meredith fumbled amidst a controlled clutter of keys, coins, mail, and fishing lures at their entry way table as she looked for Derek's sunglasses. She eventually found the glasses case buried under a couple of neurology journals and an _Entertainment Weekly_ She grabbed the glossy magazine and threw it in her tote bag, thinking she could read it on the plane. Maybe it would give her some ideas for ways to unwind with Derek – a good book to read or a movie to see.

"Are you ready?" she called as she meandered back towards their bedroom.

Derek stood near the bathroom doorway, packing various items in a last minute panic. "I guess. Are you sure we have everything?" he asked, frowning.

"I'm pretty sure. If not, we can just buy it when we get there," she replied. Mark's persistent knocking on their door diverted her focus from Derek, and she escaped out of the room to answer it. She was completely oblivious to what Derek was actually inquiring about.

_The ring. She's leaving the ring._

He stared at the velvet box still sitting on their bathroom counter, debating what to do with it. He hated the thought of leaving it behind in Seattle. Doing that would mean acknowledging that she really didn't want to be engaged right now. He hoped that she would change her mind quickly – on the plane even – and they could tell his family before the end of the week. But he felt quietly uncomfortable thinking about it. His stomach began to twist and turn, and it was impossible for him to decide if it was a reaction to her lack of commitment or just another bout of nausea from the hangover. He quickly stuffed the ring box into his satchel and slowly ambled towards the entrance where Mark and Meredith stood talking.

"Rough morning, hey buddy?" Mark asked as he saw Derek approach.

Derek simply nodded, taking the sunglasses from Meredith's outstretched hand. He didn't even wait to get downstairs and outside before putting them on. He wanted to hide behind them as soon as possible.

"Well, we should get going. I didn't realize that we'd need to check baggage," Mark announced as he grabbed a couple items and backed out the door. Derek followed slowly while Meredith locked up the apartment. It would be a long time before they returned, and she felt guilty about leaving the place in such disarray. Derek's neat-freak tendencies had transferred to her, and it was virtually unthinkable to leave their home with the bed unmade and dishes undone. But they were pressed for time, and it was too late now to do anything about it.

With a final, sad sigh, Meredith closed the door and locked it before running to catch up with Mark and Derek at the elevator.

---------------------

The frantic drive to the airport in early morning traffic and the subsequent struggle through the terminal proved pointless – their flight had a two hour delay and there was nothing to do but wait once they arrived at the airport. Mark argued futilely with an airline representative – attempting all sorts of tactics from charm to intimidation as he tried to get them moved to a different flight so they could make their connection in Minneapolis or arrive before dinner – but the woman working the counter wouldn't budge. Meanwhile, Derek hovered in the background of the conversation, listening without hearing what was being said. His body was tense as he paced anxiously, clearly irritated by the constant noise in the airport. Yet despite his stiff back and forth movements, he looked more like a sexy celebrity in sunglasses than a neurosurgeon with a hangover. Meredith couldn't take her eyes off him, in part because she was concerned, but also because she was trying to figure him out.

_Is he actually okay? Is this a normal reaction to everything that's happened? Is there anything I can do to help him? _

He was impossible to read behind the sunglasses, and the only indication she could get of his mood was his lips. Currently, they were flat and pinched, outlined by a couple days of stubble growth. They weren't smiling even though he seemed to occasionally be looking in her direction. But then, even when he did turn towards her, she felt like he was looking through her rather than at her, and it made her incredibly uncomfortable.

"These fucking airlines," Mark finally grumbled as he moved away from the counter and led them towards the security area. "Looks like we'll be kissing this day goodbye," he fumed.

"So what's the plan?" Meredith asked, almost relieved that Derek wouldn't have to get on a plane just yet.

"The plan is that we take the flight in a couple hours and then arrive at LaGuardia around nine o'clock tonight after all the time changes. We probably won't even get to the house until close to midnight," he explained bitterly. It was apparent that he wanted to be with Derek's family as soon as possible, maybe even more than Derek wanted it.

They slowly made their way through the security checkpoint, pausing to show ID, unload pockets, walk through metal detectors, and scan bags. Derek struggled to maintain his balance while removing his shoes, and he was clearly angry about needing to take off his sunglasses to go through, no matter how briefly that part of the process lasted.

By the time airport security had decided that they were not, in fact, terrorists, Derek's hangover started to shift from a mind-blowing headache to a general malaise, and he somehow managed to keep up with Meredith and Mark as they trekked through the airport. It wouldn't take long to reach their gate, and he was anxious to get there even if it meant just camping out for a couple hours to wait out the delay. He wanted to sit and relax – nap even, and he wanted it now. They plodded through the crowds until they found a relatively empty section of seats near their gate, and unloaded the few bags between them that were left to carry on.

Meredith studied Derek with concern over his nearly heroic efforts to stay standing so long. She knew there was no way that she could handle it if she had consumed as much alcohol the night before.

"Are you okay? Can I get you something?" she finally asked cautiously. She knew that Derek was far too stubborn to let on that he wasn't feeling good enough to take care of himself – particularly in front of Mark – but she wanted to take care of him. "I'm planning to go get a Cinnabon for myself anyway, so it's no trouble," she added, giving him cover for any requests he could make.

"Yeah, maybe get me a bottle of water or two," he said coolly.

"Okay. You'll stay here?" she asked as she set down her tote bag and grabbed her purse.

Derek nodded, still masked behind his dark sunglasses.

"I'll go with you, Grey. I need some coffee," Mark added. He dropped off his own luggage next to Derek and followed Meredith down the corridor.

"So, where is it?" Mark asked once they were a safe distance from Derek.

"Where's what?" Meredith replied, confused.

"The ring. Why aren't you wearing it?"

"Oh, that," Meredith blushed. She looked down at the ground as she walked and started fidgeting with her empty ring finger. "We're just…uh…now's not a good time…and…"

"I see," Mark said. He watched her carefully as he contemplated pushing her further. She clearly didn't want to talk about it, and that made him want to force the conversation that much more. "Whose decision was that?"

"Um, we both agreed," she explained. _I think we both agreed. Last night, he agreed, right?_

"You did? Both of you? He took it back?" Mark interrogated as they got in line at a Starbucks.

"We just…we, um, we're going to wait awhile and then we'll announce it. Now just doesn't seem like a good time with his family and all." She was struggling to make any sort of eye contact with him, though she could feel his eyes boring through her skin. They were lasers drilling a hole in a place that was once intact; totally uncomfortable in every way.

"Oh, okay. So you're still engaged then. It's just a secret," he smiled. She was trapped. She'd have to spill it now.

"Well," she bit her lip. He was too good. "We're thinking about it."

Mark let out a large sigh and ran his hands along the side of his head before wrapping them around the back of his neck to massage some of the tension.

"Why don't you just be honest and say that _you're_ thinking about it?" Mark asked.

Meredith stepped back slightly and looked at him square in the eye. She was shocked that he had made that accusation, and she floundered for a response.

"I know that _he_ didn't call it off, Grey. I know how excited he was about asking and how important this is to him. _He's_ not the guy that calls it off when things get rough. _You're_ calling the shots right now," Mark explained before walking up to the counter to order a bone dry cappuccino.

Meredith crossed her arms in front of her body defensively, almost hugging herself. _How dare he say that to me? Now is not the time for this. I'm doing this for Derek. I'm trying to take care of him…_

Meredith eventually ordered herself a mocha latte, a couple of muffins, and two bottles of water. Her Cinnabon craving had passed.

She stood fuming next to Mark, feeling her skin burn as she debated what to say. Eventually she couldn't contain herself anymore.

"I'm taking care of him. I am. You may not get that, but I'm doing my best to be there for him right now. Do you know how hard this is on me? How much I hate the fact that his mom died on the happiest night of my whole freaking life? The fact that here I am, flying to Connecticut, to meet his huge freaking family when I _hate_ families? But I'm here. I'm doing this. For him. So back off, Mark, because you don't know." She grabbed her mocha from the counter and started storming off back towards the seating area.

"Meredith, wait!" Mark called after her, nearly spilling his cappuccino as he sprinted to catch up. "Just…wait…"

Meredith stopped and rolled her eyes. She definitely wanted to resolve this before they returned to Derek, and it was clear that Mark wasn't satisfied giving her the last word.

"What?" she hissed as he caught up with her.

"Feisty! I like it!" he grinned, laying on the Mark Sloan charm thickly. "Look, I'm sorry," he said, his face becoming much more serious. "It's just that, well, this week is going to be really difficult for him. When his dad died…" Mark's voice trailed off a little.

Meredith's eyes grew wide at the mention of his Derek's father. She had always wanted to know what happened, but it wasn't something that Derek was willing to bring up. Ever. She'd tried asking him about it once before, and his response was to change the subject, sending a very clear signal that the topic was off limits. She had never even thought to ask Mark about it.

"What happened to Derek's dad?" Meredith finally inquired. The two started walking in a slow crawl, buying them time to have the conversation.

"He died when we were…Eleven? Twelve? I don't remember, exactly. We were at the family cabin for a boy's weekend – just me, Derek, and John, his dad. We were fishing and having a great time until his dad got a really bad headache. Turns out he had an aneurysm."

"Oh my god," Meredith whispered, her eyes full of concern and shock.

"And since we were in the middle of nowhere, we didn't know how to get help, and we didn't even realize how bad it was until we couldn't wake him up. We had to call Derek's mom and stay with the body until she got an ambulance sent out to us. They pronounced him dead on the scene, and then we had to wait a couple hours for the rest of the family to arrive and take us home," Mark explained. His voice was a little shaky, and he seemed much less comfortable talking about it, though definitely more comfortable than Derek ever would be.

"That is so awful," Meredith sighed, her eyes filling with tears over Derek's loss.

"It really was. Derek didn't talk to anyone for weeks. He was in counseling for a couple years, but to my knowledge he still hasn't ever talked to anyone about what happened. He's like that, Grey. He thinks it's his responsibility to protect everyone and he can't handle it when he thinks he has failed in some way," Mark continued. Their walking came to a complete stop as they found themselves about thirty feet away from Derek.

"I understand," she replied nervously. She crinkled her paper sack of muffins in her fist and repositioned the bottles of water under her arm.

"So, just…take care of him this week, Grey. He needs you right now." Mark encouraged before returning to the seats.

Meredith inhaled deeply and followed. It looked like the week might be more difficult than she had expected.

Derek continued to sit behind his sunglasses in the vinyl seat, staring in the direction of a TV airing CNN. His hands were folded together in his lap, fingers interlaced, as he waited. He looked up briefly when Meredith approached, and he pursed his lips together, sending a subconscious message that he didn't want to talk right now.

Meredith passed him his water and sunk down in the chair next to him.

"Muffin?" she offered, hoping that he would eat something more.

He shook his head no and continued staring straight ahead.

Meredith set the bag on the floor just in front of her seat, and wrapped her right arm around Derek's shoulder as if to hug him from the side. His body was incredibly tense, but it seemed to melt a little at her touch. She tilted her head against his shoulder, not even caring that her rib cage was bumping against a metal bar that divided their seats from one another.

"I love you," she whispered into his ear, her eyes filled with tears as she imagined the pain that he was going through.

Derek broke his gaze away from the TV and looked over at her. His tense jaw and clenched teeth softened a bit as he took her in, and he kissed her forehead gently before turning back towards the screen.

It wasn't much, but it was something – something they both desperately needed.


	8. Chapter 8

Once Derek, Meredith, and Mark got out of the bright lights of New York City, the area around them seemed to be blanketed in darkness. Derek's childhood home was over an hour north – two hours with traffic, and he had made the drive hundreds of times throughout his life. Even now he could just put his body on autopilot to finish the drive, allowing his mind to wander and drift, unable to concentrate or prepare for what was ahead.

It was late – after ten, although it only felt like seven to the Seattle residents. The day of shuffling between airplanes and airports had left Mark and Meredith weary, but Derek had managed to sleep on both flights, and he felt much better than he had at the start of the day – better physically, anyway. He was still an emotional wreck, and he hated the fact that the nighttime darkness required him to lose the sunglasses that had once masked his weepy, bloodshot eyes.

Meredith sat in the passenger seat of their luxury rental car, staring out the window. She wished it was light out so she could get a better sense of Derek's old stomping grounds, but it was completely hidden from view. She watched as the headlights hit reflectors on the side of the road, illuminating them into a bright white glow before fading to darkness as the car passed. _One, two, three…_ She counted as they passed each one. She hated sitting in silence, but Mark was asleep in the backseat, and Derek hadn't really said much of anything all day besides suggesting food or offering to drive. She felt like she was getting the silent treatment, and she definitely didn't deserve it. She had been taking care of him all day, snuggling on the plane, getting him water, being as supportive as Meredith Grey knew how to be, and he returned her gestures with silence. A bitter, stiff silence that only added to her dread of meeting his family. There was no way she would survive a week of Shepherds without Derek to support her.

She sighed loudly and shifted in her seat, hoping to remind Derek of her presence.

He looked over at her quickly, a sad smile on his face, and he extended his right hand to her lap, finding her empty hand waiting there. Her hands were cold, but they warmed immediately to his touch, especially as he squeezed her left hand three times as if to say "I love you" in their own secret code. She squeezed back four times – _I love you too_ – before placing her right hand on top, sandwiching his hand between hers.

"We'll be there in about a half hour," Derek announced quietly, not wanting to wake Mark.

"Okay," Meredith responded. She began massaging his hand, working out the tension in his palms and long, dexterous fingers.

"I don't know who all will be staying at the house with us. Mark said they were still figuring that out when he called today," Derek continued, initiating potential conversation for the first time all day.

Meredith nodded, still unsure of herself. She'd give him an opportunity to keep talking if he wanted to before she started asking him questions.

"I suspect that Sarah and Anna will be there with their husbands and kids. Nancy and Kathy live close, so they probably won't stay at the house, but they'll visit constantly. This will be the first time we've all been together since…" he paused, trying to recall. "Since Christmas a couple years ago, I guess." He let out a small, sarcastic chuckle. "I haven't even met my newest nephew yet. Anna had Zachary right after I moved to Seattle, and I haven't seen anything but pictures."

"I'm sure they understand," Meredith reassured.

"It doesn't mean that it's okay. I should have tried harder, visited more. I didn't." Derek withdrew his hand and put it back on the steering wheel. He straightened his spine against the back of the seat and tensed his body as he stared at the fairly empty road ahead.

"Were the pictures cute?" Meredith asked, trying to lighten the conversation a little.

"Of course! All descendants of the Shepherd family are adorable," he smiled as he looked over at her. In the pale glow of the dashboard, she even detected that he winked at her.

"And there are _fourteen_ of them," Meredith stated, a little in awe of the size of the family.

"Fourteen – five boys and nine girls. Lots of pink. Two sets of twins…" Derek counted carefully.

"Twins? You never mentioned twins," she exclaimed.

"Both Kathy and Sarah had twins – Melanie and Melissa, Josh and Jake. It runs in my family. My dad was a twin," Derek added.

"I had no idea," Meredith mused. "Wow." _Does that mean that I'd have twins if we had kids? One baby seems like an awful lot. Two? Two kids at once? No. Freaking. Way._

"There's a chance," Derek announced, reading her thoughts.

"A chance of what?" Meredith queried as she dropped back into the conversation taking place outside of her head.

"That the mother of my children would have twins. It's possible," he shared. "Just so you know."

Meredith pondered how she should respond. She fidgeted with the bottom of her navy blue vee-neck sweater as she thought about what their life would be like with twins.

It was terrifying.

"Is that a deal breaker on the kid front?" Derek inquired, his voice tinged with concern.

"I'm thinking," Meredith replied. She wasn't able to manage more than a couple of words.

"Well, don't think too hard. I don't want you to damage anything," he teased.

Meredith swung out her arm and smacked him playfully on his right bicep. They both laughed a little, and it immediately made a difference in lifting the heaviness of the mood inside the car.

"Seriously, though," Derek continued as their laughing dissipated. "You should be prepared to be around kids this week. There are lots. The oldest – Kathy's twins – just started college, and Anna's baby just turned one. And as you might suspect, Uncle Derek is pretty popular."

"He is, is he?" Meredith smirked.

"Indeed. Uncle Derek has been known to spoil his nieces and nephews since he never had kids of his own."

"I've never really been around kids much," Meredith confessed quietly.

"I know," Derek acknowledged. "You'll be fine, though. There's nothing to it really, especially when they're not your own. Just smile lots and give them a little attention, and they'll adore you."

"Okay," Meredith sighed.

"Just follow my lead," he encouraged.

The two sat in silence for the final few minutes of the drive. They appeared to be nearing civilization again as the city lights grew brighter. Eventually she saw a sign for New Canaan, Connecticut. It was a smaller town, at least in comparison to Seattle, but it had all of the amenities that any medium-sized town would have – strip malls, a movie theaters, and large grocery stores – along with some quaint New England shops. Meredith slowly took it all in, imagining what it must have been like to live there. It seemed nice.

Derek turned off the main road and onto a side street, heading back into darkness. The tree-lined road twisted and turned before opening up to Salem Road. Meredith watched as they drove by old, colonial-style houses separated from the road by large, landscaped lawns. Eventually they reached a cul-de-sac and pulled into a driveway crammed with minivans and SUVs. Even though it was after eleven, several lights remained illuminated on the main floor, providing a clear indication that people were waiting for them to arrive.

Derek put the car in park and turned off the ignition. He paused for a moment to take a deep breath, preparing himself for the onslaught of family. Mark stirred in the back seat, blinking rapidly as he made sense of where they were, and Meredith waited nervously in her seat, clearly unwilling to make the first move.

"We're here," Derek eventually announced, stating the obvious. Mark and Meredith took it as their cue to get out of the car, and all three opened their doors simultaneously. They quietly stepped out onto the paved driveway and walked towards the back of the car to retrieve their bags from the trunk.

The front door of the house opened and a woman with long dark hair emerged on the porch. She was attractive – slender with strong features and long chestnut colored hair. She looked shorter than Derek, but much warmer and more inviting than Nancy had appeared when she surprised Meredith and Derek in Seattle.

The woman instantly waved at the three travelers and began walking towards their car.

Derek stopped unloading the bags and immediately moved towards her, wrapping her up in his arms for a tight embrace. Meredith looked over at Mark, wondering which beautiful Shepherd sister this could possibly be. "Kathy," he mouthed, reading her expression, and the two watched as Derek and his sister were reunited for the first time in years.

"How are you holding up?" Derek asked as he pulled away. He reached for her hands and held them in his, creating an impenetrable circle of space between them.

"I'm doing okay, I guess. Better now that you're here," Kathy replied. Her gaze shifted and she noticed Mark and Meredith standing nearby. She released her hands from Derek's and moved over to give Mark a big hug.

"Hey, gorgeous," Mark sighed as he clutched her tightly against him and kissed her forehead.

"Hey," she whispered back, smiling as she eventually made him let go of her. Apparently Mark knew how to flirt with everyone. She then turned to face Meredith. "You must be Meredith," she said as she extended her hand to her for a handshake. "I've heard so much about you – from Nancy, not my little brother. He doesn't talk to us much anymore, you know," she jabbed.

Meredith smiled nervously as she shook the woman's hand firmly.

"I hope you know better than to believe everything Nancy tells you," Derek asserted as he moved closer to Meredith, hoping to protect her.

Kathy smiled knowingly at Derek's defensive gesture. "I can form my own opinions, thank you."

Meredith felt her stomach flip over and over inside. She knew she was going to be judged this week, but she had no idea it would be so explicit. She suddenly felt like Miss Teen South Carolina preparing for the interview question.

"I'm sure you're wonderful," Kathy added quickly, noticing the fearful look plastered on Meredith's face. "I'm just sorry you have to be here this week…under these circumstances, I mean."

"You're making a helluva first impression yourself, Kathy. Good job," Derek commented sarcastically. He grasped Meredith's hip and pulled her closer to him, causing her to emit a startled gasp.

Kathy shrugged awkwardly, a little embarrassed over her comments, before Mark interrupted the scene.

"We should get this stuff inside," he announced. All three quickly agreed, thankful for the rescue. They divvied up the luggage and walked single file up the sidewalk towards the house.

The house was enormous. The main part of the house was two stories with perfectly symmetrical with multi-pane windows balancing out each side of the central door. Beyond that, however, there appeared to be a newer wing built on each end of the house, providing much additional living space. It wasn't hard to imagine five children living with their parents inside, just as it didn't look like it would be difficult to shelter the extended family there now. It did, however, seem like a really big house for Derek's mom to live alone in. Meredith decided she would carefully ask about that later on.

"They're here!" Kathy yelled as they walked into the foyer. Perfectly polished hardwood floors stretched out before them, leading to a living area and stairs. The scene was something out of a Pottery Barn catalog, with every decorative detail taken care of. Derek's mom had clearly been a woman with discerning taste, and she let it show throughout the house. The formality of the entrance contrasted sharply, however, with what sounded like a stampede coming from all corners of the house towards them.

Derek and Mark were swarmed by bodies – what Meredith assumed to be his other two sisters, a couple of husbands, and several pajama-clad kids that had been promised that they could stay up until Uncle Derek and Uncle Mark arrived, but not a moment later. Meredith stood nervously off to the side, wide-eyed at the crowd. There were so many bodies in the room, she doubted that anyone even noticed she was there. Eventually another tall brunette with the same beautiful blue eyes as Derek made her way towards Meredith and smiled at her.

"I'm Sarah," she introduced herself warmly.

"Meredith." Meredith shook her hand and returned the smile, only mildly disappointed that she hadn't managed to blend in with the wall.

"It's so nice to meet you finally. Derek has told me a lot about you," she gushed. Even in pajama pants and a tee shirt, the woman was stunning. She had long, straight brown hair that seemed to part naturally just off to the side. Her hands were well manicured and her eyes were a captivating blue – much like Derek's. Meredith was certain that in any given line-up of women, she could identify this person as one of Derek's sisters without hesitation.

"Really?" Meredith asked, surprised. She didn't know that Derek had talked to any of his family about her besides Nancy.

"Yeah, I'm the favorite sister," she whispered, winking at Meredith as she said it. "We're only two years apart, and I followed my big brother to medical school."

"Oh, he didn't tell me you were a doctor. What kind?" Meredith asked, suddenly realizing that she and Derek really _hadn't_ talked much about his family. It was a little disconcerting, actually.

"I'm a cardiothoracic surgeon," Sarah said confidently.

Meredith nodded, her opinion of the woman increasing tenfold. Not only could Sarah be a fashion model, but she was a genius too. Genetics could be so unfair. "You know, I think we're looking for one of those in Seattle," Meredith responded, not knowing where else to take the conversation.

"So I've heard daily for the last three months," she smiled. "It's under consideration."

"I see you've met Sarah," Derek interrupted casually, wrapping his arm around Meredith.

Meredith nodded and hugged him back, thankful for the rescue. Even though Sarah had been incredibly nice, Meredith was struggling to get her bearings and maintain a conversation with anyone. She was paranoid that she'd say something incredibly stupid or start rambling, so she opted not to say much of anything at all.

"Have you decided to move to Seattle yet?" he asked, turning his attention back to his sister.

"You're relentless, you know that?" she replied, rolling her eyes at him. "Sure, I'll just tell Matt to quit his job so we can pack up the kids and go," she continued sarcastically.

"Where _is_ Matt? Is he here?" Derek asked, a little concerned.

Sarah shook her head. "He had to stay in DC for work – don't ask. He'll be here for the funeral on Tuesday."

"You'd really like Seattle," Derek encouraged.

"We can talk about it later. Are you hungry? I'll bet you're hungry. Will has been cooking all afternoon," she continued, leading them towards the kitchen as the crowd dispersed.

"Who's Will?" Meredith asked timidly.

"Anna's husband," Derek responded. "He's a chef, and therefore the hands-down favorite addition to our family. It's not fair to the competition really. Just know that while you'll always be number one to me, the best you can hope for is second place with the others. This man is only in his mid-thirties and he has restaurants in three states," Derek continued to explain.

"Wait until you try the tiramisu," Sarah gushed. "I'm going to gain so much weight being here."

Meredith laughed. She was relieved that the mood wasn't completely somber as she had expected it to be.

The introductions continued as each person was served a helping of the rich dessert, and Derek led Meredith to the living room to sit and eat. The room was formal but cozy. A large camel-colored suede sectional sat in front of a huge window, and a leather ottoman served as the coffee table. It was the kind of room that you could entertain important guests for tea in, but it was also relaxed enough for the Shepherd siblings to lounge in their pajamas and talk.

Derek and Mark chatted casually with Kathy, Nancy, and Sarah while Meredith slowly consumed her tiramisu. She didn't feel comfortable enough to participate in the conversation at all, and she was still trying to get a sense of her surroundings. She felt like she was sitting in on the secret meeting of a very exclusive club that she was not yet a member of, and she was far too nervous to say anything. The only thing that could possibly make her feel more uncomfortable was for the conversation to turn towards the topic of Derek's mom, and it inevitably did.

"So, we're going to have a prayer service for Mom tomorrow night at the funeral home," Nancy eventually announced, introducing the topic.

"Okay," Derek said somberly.

"And we'll have visitation all day Monday and the funeral on Tuesday morning," Nancy continued.

"Did they figure out what happened?" Mark asked cautiously. He wanted to know the answer as badly as Derek did, but he doubted that Derek was ready to ask.

"They think she had a heart attack," Kathy explained.

"_Think_?" Derek choked. His eyes narrowed as his mind raced in a hundred different directions.

"Derek…" Sarah started, knowing exactly what Derek was thinking. It was the same thing her cardiothoracic-focused mind had thought earlier in the day.

"As in, you don't know for sure?" Derek hissed. He was desperate for some sort of explanation.

"She was seventy-six, Derek," Kathy explained.

"So?" Derek snapped furiously. "She was healthy and active and seventy-six isn't what it once was. How can you two – especially you, a fucking doctor, Nancy – be okay with her age being a reason for her death? What if she had some condition? Don't you think we should know?"

Meredith's jaw dropped as she watched Derek scream at his sisters. It was the most emotion he'd expressed since getting the news, and it was powerful and raw and unbearable to watch.

"She's in a better place now, Derek. We didn't want to put her body through an autopsy. The doctor ruled that she died of natural causes, and there's nothing any of us can do to fix that," Nancy explained defensively. Given that she and Kathy were the two children that lived locally and were the oldest, they had been involved in all of the decision making after the death.

"That's not good enough!" Derek hissed. He stood up and began pacing the room, running his fingers through his hair as he decided what else to say.

Meredith bit her lip nervously and stared at the cream-colored rug flanking the floor. She felt incredibly out of place amidst this private conversation, and she thought maybe it would be best to excuse herself so they could work this out. If Derek wanted her to know about it, he could always fill her in later.

"I'm…um…I'm going to get some water. Does anyone need anything?" Meredith asked timidly as she got up off the couch and walked back towards the kitchen. When no one responded, she took it as a definitive "no," and continued her escape.

Even under normal conditions, Meredith Grey didn't do families, and this was certainly not normal. While she knew that it wasn't a mistake for her to come and support Derek, she realized that it was going to be an incredibly long week.


	9. Chapter 9

The sound of Derek arguing with his sisters echoed even into the kitchen. If there was anything to deter Meredith from going back into the living room, that was it. She had no desire to enter a war zone today. None at all. She used it as an excuse to explore the rest of the house, tip-toeing from room to room to get a better sense of the layout of the place Derek had grown up in. Family photos adorned the walls, giving Meredith her one and only look at Derek's parents up to this point. A black and white wedding picture set in a modern silver frame created the centerpiece of the hallway wall. The couple looked perfect and completely in love, and Meredith was surprised how much Derek resembled his father. Or, at the very least, she suspected that Derek had looked like that when he was younger. She didn't get any confirmation of the resemblance until she took a few steps further and saw a picture from Derek's wedding to Addison. It was a shot of the entire wedding party, and she immediately recognized Mark as the best man and all of Derek's sisters as bridesmaids. Everyone looked elated, particularly Derek and Addison, and it made Meredith grimace a little to see Derek so happy with anyone other than her. She knew enough to know that the cloud nine wedding bubble could burst without warning, and she hoped that she and Derek wouldn't succumb to a similar fate.

Meredith eventually stopped obsessing over the picture and continued her procession through the hall, staring at more wedding pictures and baby pictures of all the grandchildren. It was clear from this hallway shrine of photographs that family was important to the Shepherds, and it made her feel like a foreigner. She needed to move on.

A dim light trailed into the hallway from a room down at the far end of the house. Feeling brave for the moment, Meredith decided to continue on with her exploration. It seemed all of the monsters were already occupied in the living room dispute.

Meredith carefully stepped into the room, surveying the wood panels and contemporary wall sconces in what appeared to be a library or a sitting room. Huge shaded windows came together at the corner of the wall, and a bookshelf extended along the top few feet of the room to provide a particularly sophisticated decorative touch. A wooden bench with additional shelves created seating under each window, and several brown, cream, and red throw pillows made it seem even more inviting. It would be the perfect place to curl up and study, and Meredith immediately wished she had brought some medical books to read.

_Yes, I would rather be reading the Journal of Neuropathology and Experimental Neurology than spend time with his family. You're a sick woman, Meredith Grey. Really._

"This is my favorite room," a voice interrupted quietly, causing Meredith to jump as she realized she wasn't alone. Meredith looked over and saw Anna sitting in a rocking chair in the far corner of the room. Zachary was sound asleep in her arms as she rocked back and forth.

Meredith blushed as she tried to steady her heartbeat. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt," Meredith whispered. She didn't want to wake the baby, and she spun around to head back towards the hallway.

"No, no. Please – stay," Anna encouraged warmly. Her smile revealed small dimples just like Derek's, and while she was also beautiful, she seemed much more down to earth and less polished in comparison to her older sisters. Meredith remembered Derek mentioning that Anna was a kindergarten teacher, and calm, patient energy radiated from this youngest Shepherd.

"Okay," Meredith agreed. She moved over to a large leather recliner near the rocker and sat down.

"I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to hang out for the formal introductions. All of the travel made Zach pretty fussy today, but I think he's under control now," Anna explained as she gently stroked the back of her baby's head. Zach had blonde hair, creating a stark contrast between him and his mother's shoulder-length brown hair. Her eyes were tired but kind, and while they were shaped much like Derek's, they were brown instead of blue.

"It's okay really," Meredith reassured. "I understand. Was your flight okay?"

"Yeah, it was fine, I guess. Just stressful mobilizing and packing for three kids on short notice, even _with_ Will's help," Anna responded.

"I can't even imagine. I struggled just to get Derek and myself to the airport this morning. I don't know what we would do if we had kids," Meredith confessed. She shuddered at the thought – _truly impossible_.

Anna laughed a little. "He never was a great morning person growing up. Since he was the only boy, he had his own bathroom so he didn't feel any sense of urgency when it came to getting ready for anything."

"I can definitely see that," Meredith agreed, "although I might be worse with my snooze button obsession. We pretty much just enable each other when it comes to procrastinating in the morning."

"So you two are living together now?" Anna inquired. She had an incredibly soothing voice that made her easy to talk to – like a long lost best friend and not a nosy younger sister.

"Yeah, for about three months now," Meredith acknowledged. She lit up a little as she spoke, sending subconscious signals of just how much she loved Derek.

"That's great," Anna replied in her hushed tone. "I'm glad Derek has found someone new, and you seem really nice."

Meredith blushed with embarrassment. _You barely even know me. How can you tell if I'm nice or not yet? Haven't you talked to Nancy? I was the slutty intern who slept with her attending!_

"You know, don't tell Derek this because who knows how he'll react, but I never liked Addison much," Anna admitted, her voice quieter and more conspiratorial.

"Really?" Meredith gasped, completely surprised that anyone could find fault with the brilliant, leggy wonder that was Dr. Addison Montgomery.

"It's true," Anna nodded. "She just seemed a little…I don't know…cold, maybe. And the last few years, I didn't get the sense that Derek was as happy as he deserves to be. I pretty much blamed Addison…not that I'm a judgmental person or anything. Really, I'm not." It was Anna's turn to feel a little self-conscious and paranoid.

"I didn't know that _anyone_ disliked Addison," Meredith confided. "I didn't think that was possible."

"Well, Kathy and Addison always got along. They went shopping together and stuff like that. And Nancy and Addison worked together a lot because Addie always referred patients to Nancy's pediatric practice, so their friendship was mutually reinforcing I guess. But Sarah and I – not so big on the Addison bandwagon," Anna explained.

"Good to know," Meredith admitted. It was incredibly reassuring to know that only two of the four Shepherd sisters were likely to hate her from the onset.

"But Derek's doing well these days?" Anna asked sweetly.

"I guess so. I think we're doing okay…now…maybe…" Meredith stammered.

Anna cringed a little. "That doesn't sound like a very confident response."

"Yeah," Meredith continued. "I guess it's not. He's just, um, I think he's taking the news really badly, and I'm not sure what I can do for him."

"Ah. I see," Anna voiced as she shifted the baby a little in her arms and resumed rocking. She looked deep in thought. "Does he ever talk about Dad?" she asked carefully, knowing she was bringing up a sensitive subject.

"No, never. In fact, the only reason I know about how your dad died is because Mark told me today. It sounds awful," Meredith sighed.

"I was only five, so I don't remember much. But Sarah says that it really changed Derek. And I remember him being sad for a long time. It took him a while to get over it."

"I believe that." Meredith started fidgeting with her hands, massaging her fingers.

"I don't know if he'll talk on his own, but he probably needs to, and the only people he will consider talking to will be you or Sarah. Just…be there for him…that's all you can really do."

Meredith nodded sadly. She wished she could do more, but she was out of ideas.

"Isn't he a sweetheart generally, though?" Anna grinned. Her love for her big brother was abundantly clear.

Meredith smiled back as she nodded. It was true. She couldn't believe how wonderful her knight-in-shining-whatever was. Sometimes she didn't think she deserved it.

"I feel bad that I haven't been able to come out to see him in Seattle yet like Nancy did, but it's been so hectic with the baby and Will's restaurants," Anna explained.

"Oh, no. Don't feel bad. He understands. _He_ actually feels guilty that he hasn't seen you and the baby yet. I don't think he expected _you_ to visit _him_," Meredith reassured. It was amazing how much she could see parts of Derek in his younger siblings. They were much more tightly knit than she realized.

"I hope so. Was the Nancy visit awful?" Anna inquired. Her eyes glimmered a little as she tried to get some dirt on her older sister. "I promise I won't say anything," she smirked.

"Um, I'm not sure that we hit it off so well," Meredith admitted. "I thought she was another woman."

"Oh, I wish I could have seen that," Anna laughed. "More details. Do tell!"

"Well, I went to Derek's to talk to him. It was right after he divorced Addison, and we weren't really back together yet. When I got there, Nancy was sitting on his bed, and he was getting out of the shower." It was unlike Meredith to be so open with anyone, much less a stranger, but Anna was very reassuring. The two seemed to connect easily.

"I bet Derek was mortified," Anna giggled.

"I think so. I didn't really stick around to let him explain," Meredith shrugged, laughing a little. It _was_ funny in retrospect.

"Nancy likes to stir up trouble, but I guess you already know that. And don't worry – none of us really paid much attention to her description of you when she got back," Anna confessed.

"Oh, god. She does hate me, doesn't she?" Meredith gasped.

"She hates everyone at first. Don't take it personally," Anna replied. She stopped rocking and the room fell silent for a few moments. The voices in the living room had died down and it sounded like someone was walking in their direction. Meredith and Anna looked at the doorway expectantly and watched as Derek entered the room. His body was tense and angry, but all of that seemed to melt away as soon as he saw Meredith, Anna, and Zach.

"Hey stranger," Anna beamed.

"I wondered where everyone was hiding," Derek said as he lit up. "How's my new nephew?"

"Tired and cranky, but finally asleep. Do you want to hold him?" Anna asked as she started to stand. She didn't need to wait for Derek's response.

Derek grinned and gently took the sleeping baby from his sister's arms. It seemed completely natural for him, and Meredith was in awe as she watched Derek tend to the little boy, rubbing Zachary's back gently while they sat down in the rocking chair. Anna moved to a leather sofa and stretched out so she could see Derek, Zach, and Meredith.

Derek held the baby close and continued rocking with a look of pure love and adoration written on his face. Eventually he looked over to Meredith and smiled warmly at her. It was the kind of McDreamy smile that made her feel melty and gooey inside like it was impossible not to give him anything and everything he wanted. She had seen the same smile the night before when he proposed to her, but that felt so long ago and far away now. And she knew exactly what he was thinking as he smiled. As much as he tried to deny it, he really, really wanted to have kids of his own. Kids with Meredith. Seeing the way he snuggled with the Zach, inhaling the baby scents and caressing his skin through the baby blanket, it was abundantly clear that he would be an amazing father.

Meredith smiled back at him, unwilling to burst his bubble of happiness with any discussion of babies just yet, and she melted a little more when he winked at her before turning his attention back to Anna.

"So have you told Meredith all of my embarrassing stories yet?" he asked his younger sister.

"No, but it's a good thing you got here when you did, otherwise I would have spilled everything," she teased. "Did the dynamic duo leave?" she asked, referring to Kathy and Nancy.

"Yeah, they finally went home. Sarah's out chatting with Mark, and I think Will is cleaning up in the kitchen," Derek explained.

"I should probably help him, but I so don't feel like moving," Anna sighed.

"Then don't. Stay here and talk to me. We'll be more helpful tomorrow," Derek insisted.

The baby stirred a little at the sound of Derek's unfamiliar voice, but Derek immediately started soothing him, offering his large index finger to be gripped by Zach's tiny fingers as Anna and Meredith watched.

"You're really good with him. He usually freaks out with strangers," Anna smiled.

"What can I say?" Derek grinned back. "Zach's smart. He's already figured out that Uncle Derek is the best."

Anna laughed softly before turning more serious. "Are you two thinking about kids at all?"

Derek looked over at Meredith and watched as she shifted awkwardly in her chair.

"I'm sorry. That's a totally personal question. I shouldn't have asked. You're not even married yet," Anna retracted.

Derek's eyes locked with Meredith's, and he made it clear that he was deferring to her to answer this question. He wouldn't push one way or another. Not tonight.

"No, that's okay…Um, maybe. Maybe someday. I just started my residency so it's not a particularly good time for kids, but it's possible. Maybe," Meredith replied nervously, her eyes shifting back and forth between Anna and Derek.

Derek smiled again and winked at her, signaling that he was okay with that answer. The truth of the matter was that he was elated. He had expected Meredith to dodge the question much more than that – maybe even flat out say no. But maybe – that seemed promising. He could live with maybe.

"Well, I hope you decide to do it someday. Kids…Kids are amazing," Anna beamed. "And I bet you two would be awesome parents."

Meredith smiled uncomfortably and shifted a little in the chair again. She could feel Derek's eyes on her as she wiggled, and she was desperate for a subject change.

Anna yawned and looked down at her watch. "What time is it?" she asked, talking mostly to herself. "Wow, it's almost one. No wonder I'm exhausted. I should probably go to bed," she announced. She stood up and walked over to Derek to retrieve Zach.

He looked a little sad as he let the baby go, but he carefully slipped the baby into Anna's arms before moving over to Meredith and pulling her out of the comfy leather recliner.

"We should probably go to bed, too," he encouraged as he pulled Meredith into a playful hug.

"Okay," Meredith agreed, thankful to have his protective arms around her and to know that much needed sleep was not too far away.

The three said goodnight and wandered back through the house towards the stairwell. Derek grabbed their bags and led Meredith upstairs towards his bedroom. Everyone else appeared to be asleep already except for Mark and Sarah, who continued talking in the living room, and Meredith was definitely ready to be alone with Derek. She felt like they might suddenly have a lot to talk about.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note: The updates will likely slow down for a few days as I am out of town this weekend and I'm not having much time (or desire to spend time) with my laptop. Sorry! But I did **_**a lot**_** of outlining on the plane, and I'm excited about where this is going. Hopefully you'll enjoy it. **

**I would also like to say a special thank you to **_**Entertainment Weekly**_** for publishing the oh-so-fabulous spread of PD which provided much inspiration for this chapter. :-) And thanks for all of the continued reviews. They seriously brighten my day!**

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Meredith followed quietly behind Derek as they tiptoed through the upper level of the house towards Derek's old bedroom. When he finally opened the door and turned on the light, Meredith was stunned by its appearance. It was definitely not what she had expected. The walls were a creamy yellow color, and several windows lined the back wall behind the headboard of a queen-sized bed. The bed was made neatly with a red, cream, and brown striped comforter and matching pillows, and a simple neutral rug covered a large part of the hardwood floor.

It was not the bedroom of a young man at all. Meredith eyed Derek curiously as she tried to make sense of it.

"Mom redecorated once I got married," Derek explained quickly.

"Oh. It's nice," Meredith commented.

Derek nodded as he dropped their bags in a corner of the room near a red, cushiony chair. Meanwhile, Meredith closed the door behind them and went to sit on the bed.

"Sarah and Anna seem nice," Meredith continued, trying to strike up conversation. "I haven't decided about Kathy and Nancy yet." Meredith grabbed a pillow and hugged it tightly, fidgeting with the seams.

Derek didn't respond. He just started unpacking their clothes into a large closet. He frowned as he took out his black suit and placed it on a hanger on the empty clothes rack. Meredith's most conservative black dress soon followed.

"Do you want to talk?" Meredith asked cautiously.

"Not really," Derek sighed. "Not tonight."

He stopped unpacking and unbuttoned his shirt, staring at Meredith with a completely conflicted expression. He wanted to reach out to her, but he didn't know what to say so he chose to say nothing as his fingers attacked the buttons quickly. He placed the garment neatly on the back of the chair, creating a strong contrast between the red upholstery and the indigo of his shirt.

Meredith watched as he continued to kick off his shoes and socks to start getting ready for bed. "Okay," she agreed sadly. He would talk. Eventually. She hoped.

She stood up and walked over to the suitcase to pull out her own pajamas only to have Derek reach out to intercept her along the way. He pulled her close to him, enveloping her in his arms. He wanted to feel her heart thump quietly in her chest as it circulated life-giving blood throughout her body. He wanted to feel how her temperature would rise from his touch. He wanted to feel the silky softness of her hair as it cascaded over her shoulders and the sweetness of her mouth still laced with remnants of cocoa powder from the tiramisu an hour earlier. But most of all, he wanted to feel very much alive they still were.

His body was tense against her as he kissed her passionately. He pulled gently on her lower lip, tugging on it with his own full pout, before starting a trail of sweet, soft kisses down her neck and back behind her ear.

"Derek," she whispered as she ran her fingers through his dark curls, feeling the soft wisps slide and move with her touch.

"Shhhh…I don't want to talk. Not tonight," he continued. "I just want this." His hands slid under her shirt as he guided her back towards the bed. She could feel how aroused he was getting as he pressed against her, and she knew how turned on she was getting herself. He was being incredibly attentive and gentle in his seduction, nothing like how he behaved the night before.

Meredith carefully pulled his white undershirt off his body, exposing his strong, muscular torso. She moaned softly as he continued kissing her neck and massaging her breasts through her bra, and she reciprocated by dragging her fingers delicately along his chest, tracing every soft contour as her hands worked lower. She felt the thin tuft of hair in the center of his chest, flanked on each side by his taut pectoral muscles. She teased the delicate, sensitive skin of his nipples, noticing that they hardened to her touch as she grasped them between her thumb and forefingers. Her hands flittered lower, following the dark path of hair across his abdomen, feeling it feather out around his navel, before thickening in a trail that continued beneath his pants.

There was no doubt that she enjoyed the attention that he lavished on her, but tonight she was more concerned with alleviating his tension. She unfastened the button at the top of his jeans and unzipped the pants, creating more space for her to slide her small hands between the fabric and his warm body. She snaked her hands against his skin, feeling as his hair thickened and became more wiry before meeting the base of his thick shaft. She wrapped one hand around it firmly while allowing her other hand to drift lower still to stroke the delicate skin underneath. His jeans and boxers slid low on his hips as he moved into her touch, and a loud groan escaped his lips. Meredith began stroking the length of him, sliding her hand up and down and letting it linger slightly against his wet, sensitive tip before repeating the process again.

Derek's eyes rolled back into his head as he gave into the amazing sensations rippling through his body. He closed his eyes and breathed heavily, biting his lip so that he could try to contain the sounds fighting their way out of his throat. Eventually it became too much for him to handle and he buried his head against Meredith's body, trying to muffle his moans against her skin. He peeled off her shirt and bra, and guided her down against the bed, his fingers kneading her breasts the entire time. His mouth licked and sucked the soft skin along her collarbone, and she released him from her grip so she could remove her remaining clothing.

Derek followed her lead and slid his pants off the rest of the way before assisting her with hers. His fingers slid nimbly along her skin as he stroked her wetness, and she spread her legs wider apart to give him better access to her aching pleasure points. He dragged his thumb along her clit, barely grazing it with his fingernail, before sliding two fingers inside her. She groaned softly, trying to contain her desire for more.

"I want you inside me," she finally moaned softly into his ear when the teasing was too much for her to handle.

Derek kissed her passionately before hovering over her flushed, naked body. His eyes locked with hers with an intensity she had never experienced before as he slowly pushed into her. It was as if he were peering into her soul, and even as he moved his body in and out of her, the blue oceans of his irises never lost their focus. He didn't need to use words tonight to tell her that he loved her more than anything. His body was saying it all for him.

Meredith closed her eyes, trying to stop a flood of emotions from breaking out as she experienced the thrill of their interlocked bodies. She knew that she needed him for much more than sex, and the thought was terrifying to her. She slid her hands along his back and down to his gluts, pushing down on his ass as his rhythm intensified.

The headboard began banging a little against the wall, and Derek paused momentarily to try and grab hold of it, cushioning the noise some as he resumed his steady grind against her.

"I…I can't hold on…" Derek groaned breathlessly.

"Then don't," Meredith encouraged back.

Derek let go of the headboard and pounded into her feverishly, not even caring about the noise of the bed or the loud moans that he could no longer stifle. The repeated thrum of his pelvic bone against Meredith's clit sent her into ecstasy, and she pulled a pillow over her face to try to cover her own uncontrollable noises as she squirmed against him. She felt him tightening inside her, signaling his own impending release, and she clenched her muscles around him so she could sense every pulsating quiver. The feel of her grip immediately triggered his orgasm, and he bucked wildly until the sensations ran their course throughout his body, leaving him exhausted and glistening with sweat on top of her.

She lifted his head off her shoulder and cradled it in her hands so she could look directly at him with her own dewy eyes. His jaw was scruffy from a couple days worth of stubble, and his face was flushed from the exertion of their lovemaking. She smiled warmly at him, feeling like everything for the moment was blissfully perfect between them. The whole world could tumble down around them, and she wouldn't care. Not right now.

"Are these walls soundproof?" she asked playfully as her heartbeat steadied and her breathing became more regular.

"I don't think so," Derek grinned. He swept his hands along her forehead, brushing away wisps of hair that clung to her damp skin.

"And how many children are staying here?" she continued, already dreading the looks she was certain they'd receive in the morning.

"At least six that I know of," Derek smirked. "I can't help it, Mere. Sometimes I can't control myself with you," he sighed as he moved off of her. He leaned on his side so he could continue looking at her, and he traced little patterns with his fingers against her sternum. He looked completely relaxed and at ease, all thoughts of what brought them to Connecticut evaporated from his consciousness.

"Okay. Just remember that it's _your_ lack of self-control if anyone says anything at breakfast tomorrow," she half-joked.

"No chance I could forget," he murmured back before kissing her softly on the lips.

"We should get some sleep," Meredith whispered when he pulled away.

Derek located his boxers on the floor, pulled them on swiftly, and turned out the light before crawling back under the covers with Meredith. He tucked her long brown hair under her head a little and aligned his body perfectly with hers as he held her close. Even their breathing was in sync.

"Mere," he whispered beneath the cloak of darkness.

"Yeah?" she replied tentatively, already fighting to stay awake.

"Do you really think we might have kids someday?" he asked, his voice a little shaky.

Meredith sighed a little, debating how to handle the question. The answer wasn't obvious to her. She didn't know if she could be a good mother – god knows she had a bad example of one – but if anyone made her want to try, it was Derek. "I used to think definitely not – my childhood was so miserable, I'd never want to make anyone else go through that. But now, I don't know…maybe…" she confessed quietly.

"Okay," Derek whispered. His voice sounded much more optimistic than before. He hugged her tightly and kissed her cheek one last time before succumbing to sleep.

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Meredith wasn't exactly sure when it happened – when her body became programmed to wake up before six in the morning regardless of how late or early she went to bed the night before. It also didn't seem to matter how little sleep she had in days prior or that she had flown across the country – her internal clock knew to adjust itself for the time zone just like her cell phone automatically updated when she traveled. It just happened naturally, and this morning it was particularly annoying as she wanted nothing more than to stay in bed as long as humanly possible.

Her eyes slowly adjusted to the dim light in the room. She realized that it was too early for the sun to be shining yet, and the light was actually coming from a lamp on Derek's nightstand. She rolled over to face him, startled to find that he was wide awake and watching her. His eyes were red-rimmed and it looked like he was crying – a fact that he quickly tried to cover up as he rubbed his hands over his eyes and wiped away all remaining evidence of tears.

"You're awake," she stated groggily. She had a knack for stating the obvious when she was really tired.

"I think you forgot to pack my earplugs," he mumbled back.

"Oh," she groaned guiltily. She definitely had forgotten. _Bad Meredith! Bad! But that's what you get for leaving me to pack all on my own._ "I'm really sorry," she continued. "I hope that's not why you were crying."

Derek exhaled quickly, realizing he was caught. "No – but it didn't help," he admitted.

"Do you want to talk?" Meredith pulled the blankets firmly around her. She hadn't bothered to change into her pajamas before falling asleep, and now the room was a little chilly around her.

"I'm fine," he lied. He leaned in to kiss her, pulling away with shock when she resisted.

"I _did _remember to pack your toothbrush and toothpaste," she teased. She held up her hands in front of her face to block him out.

"Ouch. It must be bad if you're even complaining when I'm all vulnerable and stuff," he huffed defensively as he got out of bed. He located their toiletry bag and disappeared for a couple minutes in the adjoining bathroom before running back in and diving onto her side of the bed.

"Is this better? Is this what you wanted?" he joked as he breathed all over her and started tickling her.

She tried her best to squirm and twist free underneath him, but he had her pinned down pretty well. She screamed and giggled and begged him to let her go, apologizing for telling him his breath was so bad, and eventually he released her. Her breathing was heavy from the struggle, but slowly she was able to calm down again as he watched her.

"Did you get _any_ sleep last night?" she asked when she could finally piece together a string of words without needing to stop for air.

"A little," he sighed. "I'm fine," he insisted as he crawled back under the covers next to her.

"You know, I'm an expert in being fine," Meredith remarked dryly.

"I know, but that's not the particular area of your expertise that I'm interested in right now," he argued as he slid closer and began kissing her neck. His hand drifted below the sheets to caress her naked body.

"Derek, what are you doing?"

"I'm coping," he responded honestly. Sex with Meredith was the one thing that made him feel like he wasn't unraveling at the seams.

His fingers danced in the crevasse below her left breast. His eyes were glassy – like he was there, but he wasn't.

"I see," she whispered. She bit her lip anxiously as she felt his hand continue exploring her soft skin. "Do you maybe want to 'cope' with me in the shower? I feel kinda gross from the flight and last night and everything."

"Sure," he agreed. And within moments they were coping loudly in the steamy mist of the shower.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note: Back from my trip with lots of ideas simmering. Now if only I could get those ideas out of outline form and into a readable, consumable, reviewable form. I'm struggling a bit right now, but I'm hopeful that it will all come together. This chapter was the hardest one I've written so far, so I would definitely appreciate any ConCrit or other feedback. Thanks!**

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The sounds and smells of a large breakfast production trailed upstairs from the kitchen, stirring Meredith's conflicted feelings about leaving the safety of the bedroom. Walking into a family situation after all of their sex – the loud, headboard-banging, amazing sex – was a terrifying prospect because anyone within a mile radius had certainly heard them going at it. On the other hand, Meredith was famished. And while her stomach was certainly beginning to overpower her fear of family embarrassment, she certainly wasn't going to face the unknown Shepherds or Mark alone. So she waited.

Meredith's morning routine was typically very simple. She would shower, get dressed, brush her teeth, towel dry her hair, and maybe put on makeup. Occasionally she would dry her hair, but only if it was particularly cold outside – the kind of cold that froze her hair into clumps if she stayed outdoors too long. After thirty-years of training, she could pull off the entire routine from start to finish in about eighteen minutes.

Some days, it felt like Derek spent that long just on his hair. Shaving, grooming, primping, gelling, scrunching, smoothing, sexifying…

Most of the time, Meredith really appreciated those efforts. Today, she appreciated the smell of pancakes and bacon wafting upstairs from the kitchen.

"Are you ready yet?" she groaned impatiently, sprawled out on the bed that she could have made three times over in the time she spent waiting for Derek.

"Almost. This look doesn't just happen, you know," he called back from the bathroom, a little distracted.

"For Mark, it's women. For you, it's product. It's…mystifying…" she teased. She walked over to her tote bag and pulled out an issue of _Cosmo _to browse while she waited.

"You know, if you don't want to wait for me, you could just go downstairs by yourself," he suggested. He stood in the doorway of the bathroom and grinned at her while he carefully worked the gel into his thick, dark locks. He knew exactly why she was so reticent to venture out alone. To be honest, he was a little hesitant himself.

"Nope. I'll wait," Meredith insisted quickly, no longer seeming to mind the delay when faced with the alternative.

"That's what I thought," he mumbled, retreating into the bathroom.

Meredith flipped through the glossy pages of scantily-clad models, not really taking the time to read anything. She knew, as if it were some hidden law of the universe, that the moment she actually committed to reading an article would be the moment Derek finished his metrosexual man-ritual. So she merely browsed.

Derek strolled out of the bathroom and modeled faded blue jeans and a gray chenille sweater that covered a white button-down shirt. Even barefoot he looked completely put together – a trait Meredith could never quite manage herself. But then again, if it required that much prep time in the morning, she probably wouldn't ever try. She'd just have to settle for her own blue jeans and chocolate-colored turtleneck.

"Breakfast?" Meredith asked anxiously as Derek pulled her up from the bed.

"I feel like I already had breakfast this morning," he growled as he wrapped his arms around her in a bear hug. Her senses were overloaded by the combination of his tight embrace and the clean scent of his aftershave. For a moment, Meredith lost track of what it was she craved.

"Allow me to be more specific, then," she insisted as she playfully pushed him away. "Pancakes. Bacon. Glorious food prepared by your family's Iron Chef in your own Kitchen Stadium. I feel like it's calling us."

"Okay," he half-pouted. He took her hand and led her downstairs.

Meredith had no idea how accurate her reference to Kitchen Stadium really was. Will had assembled a virtual buffet of breakfast foods ranging from pastries and scones to quiche to pancakes and French toast. It felt more like a four-star restaurant than a family gathering, and as Will continued putting more eggs in a skillet, it was clear that more food was on the way.

"Will, this is really something," Derek mused as he grabbed a plate and started making decisions.

"It's not much, really. Doctors medicate with drugs and pills, I prefer to medicate with food," Will explained casually.

"Were you up all night cooking all of this?" Meredith asked in awe.

"Sorta. I prepped some of it last night, and Zach was fussy, so I got up early with him and then started." Will continued to work, chopping cilantro at a pace that mere cooking mortals couldn't handle.

"Well, thanks!" Meredith beamed, thrilled by her options.

Will stopped momentarily to smile at her. "You're welcome. I hope you like it."

Meredith loaded her plate until no more food would fit and proceeded to walk casually to the dining room where Mark, Anna, and Sarah already sat. Derek soon followed, and took a seat at the head of the table, still next to Meredith. They weren't expecting Nancy or Kathy to arrive until much later in the morning.

"Did you two sleep well last night?" Sarah asked nonchalantly, trying her best to conceal the smirk that was desperate to leak out.

"Yeah, I did. I was pretty tired," Meredith answered honestly before taking a bite of spinach and mushroom quiche.

Mark made no effort whatsoever to contain his lopsided grin. He shook his head and looked at Derek.

"You tiger! Impressive performance last night, Dr. Shepherd," Mark mentioned suggestively.

Derek rolled his eyes and smiled, deciding he could play along. "What can I say? I excel at everything I do."

"Or every_one_," Mark added.

Meredith dropped her fork and buried her face in her hands in a quick attempt to become invisible. The fact that she was turning bright red was certainly not helping, however. "Oh my god," she sighed, not at all happy that Derek was engaging in a discussion of their sex life at breakfast. "I'm right here you know," she continued mumbling as Sarah and Anna giggled in the background.

"You know, for a while I thought it sounded like Mark with all of the moaning and banging sounds. Imagine my shock when I realized that my big brother was going at it," Anna teased. After having Zach woken up by the sex sounds, she was not willing to let Derek off the hook easily. She only felt guilty that Meredith was being dragged into this too.

"If it had been me, baby, the noise would have lasted a lot longer," Mark teased.

Derek ignored Mark's obvious opening and decided to pick on Anna instead. "How exactly would you know what Mark sounds like in bed to assume that it was him?"

Anna suddenly started turning a bright fuchsia herself. She diverted her eyes down to the table to avoid eye contact with Derek. Her shoulders slumped awkwardly as she sank into the chair and announced one thing without vocalizing a word: busted.

"Anna?" Derek pressed, suddenly flummoxed. "Have you slept with Mark?"

"I, uh…" Anna stammered guiltily.

"I'd like to state for the record," Mark proceeded, "that I was incredibly drunk at the time and she took advantage of me."

Meredith bit her lip, trying not to laugh at the way the conversation had turned. Derek's stunned and disbelieving expression was nothing short of priceless.

"You are seven years older than her. Was it statutory?" Derek questioned.

"I was eighteen," Anna mumbled, still broadcasting red.

"I'm certain on this one," Mark added.

"And when was this?" Derek demanded to know in a good-spirited manner.

"A long time ago. It was some New Year's Eve party here," Mark explained.

"Unbelievable!" Derek yelled. He was trying hard to conceal an amused smile that said that he wasn't actually upset, but it continued to slip through. "You banged my little sister," he said mock-accusingly towards Mark. "And you, Anna! I thought you had such better judgment than that. I am _so_ disappointed in you! Didn't I teach you better than this?"

"Oh, get off it, Derek," Sarah chimed in. "It's not like she's the only woman who has gotten with Mark. He's a man-whore."

"What, you too?" Derek stammered. If he had recovered from the shock of finding out about Anna and Mark's one night stand, he was definitely caught off guard again.

"Maybe," Sarah teased, confirming an absolute one hundred percent yes with her sparkling eyes, large smile, and casually playful posture.

"Great! Who haven't you slept with, Mark?" Derek gasped. The smile on his face was causing the skin around his eyes to crinkle a little, and he dangled his fork in the air as he tried to recover from the revelation.

"Well, I've never been able to get with Kathy, actually," Mark started. He then paused for a moment as he realized it was intended as a rhetorical question. His wide-eyed what-have-I-just-said expression morphed into a more-than-slightly-embarrassed grin.

Anna, Sarah, and Meredith could no longer contain themselves. All three women were consumed by a fit of laughter that soon spread to Mark and Derek as well.

"Completely juvenile," Derek mumbled under his breath.

They slowly resumed eating their breakfast, sitting in a comfortable silence that allowed them to hear the assembly of three- to six-year-olds playing together in the nearby family room. A _Thomas the Tank Engine_ video droned from the television, enrapturing Sarah's twins, Josh and Jake. Sarah's other daughter, Regan, entertained her cousins, Cate and Laura, with coloring books and crayons. A baby monitor sitting on the dining room table verified that Zach was still snoozing upstairs.

Meredith sat quietly absorbing the sights and sounds. It was amazing to her that people actually adapted to having so many little bodies in their home. She couldn't imagine changing her TiVo lineup from shows like _Access Hollywood _and _E! True Hollywood Stories_ to _Sesame Street _and _Teletubbies…_ Well, maybe she wouldn't ever have to do that. She could draw the line with _Teletubbies._ Probably _Barney_, too. But maybe she'd accept _Thomas the Tank Engine_. Maybe.

She was relieved that she didn't have to make these decisions right away.

Josh slid off the couch and waddled into the dining room, his presence announced by the crinkling plastic of his diaper as he moved one leg in front of the other. He walked as quickly as his little three-year-old legs would carry him, and his arms were outstretched in front of him, partially to help him keep his balance, but also to signal that he was heading for his mommy.

"Hey, little guy. Give me five!" Mark insisted as the toddler approached.

Josh lit up for a moment, thrilled that someone was talking to him, and he swung his arm awkwardly into Mark's giant open hand. Huge grins were plastered on both Mark and Josh's faces as he did so.

"Right on!" Mark cheered.

Josh clapped his hands together a couple of times and giggled, before attempting to mimic Mark, "Wight on, Unca Mawk!"

More laughter rippled across the table, and Josh remembered his original destination: Mommy. He continued his forward press towards Sarah's chair, and tugged on her navy blue sweatpants as he reached her. His hands were outstretched, encouraging her to pick him up and place him on her lap.

Sarah responded dutifully and scooted her chair back a little, creating space for the toddler to be at the grown-up table. He faced her plate of food and tried grabbing a the pancakes with his right hand before being blocked by Sarah. "Wait," she commanded. She reached her arms around Josh and picked up a knife and fork so she could cut the pancakes up into bite-sized pieces to feed to him. She shared her fork and helped him poke at the maple-syrup soaked pancakes on her plate. He soon decided that he wanted orange juice as well, and she carefully helped him drink from her glass without spilling anything.

Once food and drink became less interesting to Josh, he turned his attention toward the people sitting at the table. He hadn't realized that he had amassed such a large grown-up audience. "Who's dat?" he asked, pointing towards Meredith.

Sarah followed his pointing and smiled as she said "That's Aunt Meredith."

Meredith grinned awkwardly, sort of liking the sound of that.

Maybe she could just be an aunt for a while. It would certainly be less intimidating than having kids of her own.

"Who's dat?" Josh asked, pointing towards Derek.

"That's Uncle Derek," she explained calmly. "Do you remember him?"

Josh shook his head no before covering his face with his hands, temporarily shy. It didn't take him long to move on, however, and within seconds he was extending his arms out for Mark.

With each childish repetition of the phrase "Unca Mawk," it was clear to Derek that Josh wasn't interested in his biological uncle. Josh found a replacement playmate in the year that Derek had been away.

Meredith watched the gradual change in Derek's demeanor, sensing the subtle transition from being happy and jovial to feeling guilt-stricken and depressed. She extended her left hand over to him, smoothing her fingers over his clenched fist to encourage him to relax. She wanted to hold his hand and reassure him that he was loved even if his three-year-old nephew temporarily didn't recognize him, but he quickly withdrew it from the table, choosing instead to fidget with his napkin.

His eyes were dark and distant. A torrent of emotions swirled below the surface and a flood of tears threatened to break through despite his determination to hold them back. The joy he felt in laughing with Mark and his siblings was far too fragile to last in his emotional state, and brooding blackness could return on a hair-trigger.

"You should go back and play," Sarah encouraged her son as he squirmed on her lap. She helped Josh slide back down to the floor and watched as he ran back towards the family room, high-fiving Mark along the way.

Derek continued stewing as he decided what to say. "I should have visited more," he finally concluded.

"What?" Sarah asked, surprised by the comment.

"I should have visited more. If I came out for all of the family gatherings like Mark did, Josh would remember me," Derek insisted.

"Derek, he's three. He doesn't remember much of anything for longer than a few minutes," Sarah attempted to reassure Derek.

"He remembers Mark," Derek argued. It was true. Josh did remember Mark. Mark was family and he attended every Shepherd holiday, reunion, and birthday even after Derek and Addison relocated to Seattle. As long as Mark was on the east coast, he made sure that he was available for Shepherd family gatherings.

Sarah shrugged, knowing she wouldn't be able to satisfy Derek with any real response. She could only hope to make him feel a little better. She hated how he always found a way to blame himself for everything.

"It works both ways, you know," she finally responded.

Derek tilted his head slightly as he looked at her. His face registered skepticism and confusion as he waited for her to elaborate.

"We should have visited you in Seattle or been there for you more when your marriage fell apart, but we didn't. You don't always need to be the one coming to us," she explained as she poked at a section of poached egg left on her plate, swirling it in a small stream of maple syrup left from the pancakes.

"Yeah, but it's harder for you with the kids," Derek contended, insistent that he be the bad guy in the argument.

"I guess," she mumbled skeptically, "but you're worth the effort. My point is that life doesn't always go as planned, and you can't beat yourself up for decisions you could have made but didn't."

_When I had a choice to make, I chose wrong._

He felt nauseous.

Derek started shuffling the food on his plate into piles, hoping to consolidate it all in one corner so that it looked like he had consumed almost everything. He hoped to make his sudden disinterest in food less obvious – as though they wouldn't notice that the fork never lifted off his plate to reach his mouth. Instead, he created neat, well-organized piles that made the cream color of the plate dominate the landscape of his breakfast. When he couldn't consolidate the food any further, he quietly stood up from his seat and picked up his plate and utensils.

"Are you done?" Meredith inquired. Her tone was filled with surprise. She normally ate much faster than he did, and she had barely made a dent in the smorgasbord on her plate.

"Yeah," Derek replied flatly.

"Are you okay?" she pressed. Her eyes were full of concern as she looked up at him, but his expression immediately made her regret asking. He was clearly in Meredith-Gray-fight-or-flight mode, and if she didn't let him leave, he would probably start an argument with someone.

"I'm fine," he grumbled.

"Do you want me to go with you?" Meredith asked, regretting the words as soon as they exited her lips. She knew he didn't want her mothering him right now – she sensed it perfectly from his tensed shoulders and clenched fist – but part of her really wanted to be there to fix whatever was broken.

"No. I don't _want_ you to come with me. I'm just not hungry anymore. Eat your breakfast. I'm fine," he argued. He didn't have any idea why he was fighting Meredith all of a sudden, but he really wanted to leave. He needed some space to mull over his emotions without the pressure of explaining them. He abruptly turned and took his plate back to the kitchen before Meredith had a chance to respond.

Fight or flight? Derek chose flight.

Meredith sighed and looked back down at her food. She didn't want to make eye contact with the other people at the table who had witnessed their unnecessarily heated exchange. She was embarrassed, and she could feel her cheeks heating up as the blood raced to her face, casting it in a reddish hue.

They were watching her. She could feel all three sets of eyes focused in on her with laser beam precision.

"Don't worry," Anna finally said to break the awkward silence. "He's not mad at you. He's just being…"

"He's moody," Sarah interrupted, finishing Anna's sentence.

"Yeah," Anna agreed. "Don't feel bad. He'll sulk for a while and realize he's kind of being an ass."

"I hope you're right. He just…he gets set off so easily right now. He's not usually like that," Meredith admitted. She looked up at the two sisters and Mark, noticing that their eyes were kind and sympathetic and not at all menacing.

"He's a wreck," Mark acknowledged. "But he'll be okay. He probably just wants some space for a few minutes to pull himself back together."

Meredith nodded. It killed her to see Derek like this. She was used to him changing his mind or being a little moody. All of that came with the knight-in-shining-whatever territory for Derek, and she noticed it more and more as their relationship progressed and became more complicated. But she wasn't used to the pendulum swinging so quickly and without any sort of predictable rhythm.

"I hope you're right," she replied honestly.


	12. Chapter 12

Meredith managed to wait eight whole minutes after Derek left the dining room table before she decided to sneak away herself. She had lost her appetite almost as quickly as Derek's mood had changed, but she continued to poke and prod her food, shoveling small bites up to her mouth so no one thought that there was anything wrong with her.

But there definitely was something wrong with her.

After only one day away from Seattle, Meredith felt homesick. She missed waking up in her own bed and Derek making her coffee and breakfast. She missed rounding at the hospital and surgeries and sneaking away into an on-call room for quickies. She missed the glimmer in his eyes as he talked about their future and the optimism she felt all too briefly during the time she was his fiancée. And right now, as she was surrounded by people that were functionally strangers – Derek's people, not hers – she missed Cristina.

Meredith deposited her nearly empty plate on the kitchen counter and crept back upstairs to the bedroom for some privacy. She wasn't sure where Derek had escaped to, but she knew that he hadn't gone there, and everyone else seemed to be spending quality time together on the main level. She doubted she'd even be missed.

She quietly closed the bedroom door behind her and collapsed into the bright red chair in the corner of the room. The sun was streaming in fully, and the room glowed brightly through the white Venetian shades. It was a cozy room, and Meredith tried to imagine Derek growing up in it. She wondered what the décor was like then. _Did he have trains or dinosaurs painted on the walls? Or race cars? Maybe he was into fish and had an aquarium scene or something like that._ She traced her finger along the molding near her chair and looked for some clue that revealed the previous paint color. She detected the faintest hint of a steel blue beneath the current cream color, and she smiled as she imagined Derek's room saturated in color. _He probably spent a lot of time here. Maybe Mark, too._

Meredith reached into her tote bag and pulled out her iPhone, quickly dialing Cristina's phone number. She had no idea if Cristina was working or not, but she really hoped that Cris would answer.

"Your timing is impeccable. I'm heading to the vending machine because I couldn't find an intern to get me a bag of chips," Cristina answered without even bothering to say hello.

"Great," Meredith laughed. "I'm glad that this works for you."

"So, how's Connecticut? Are the sisters mutantly deformed and grotesque in any way? Besides Nancy, I mean. I know how she looks." A loud noise could be heard in the background as Cristina attacked the vending machine, pounding at it to try to get an extra bag of chips to fall from its precarious position on a ledge of salty snacks.

Meredith was instantly relieved to be talking to her person. She knew she had full liberty to say anything she wanted.

"Umm, no, of course not. They're actually disgustingly beautiful. I'm certain that Derek's parents must have been part of some secret government project to make the most genetically perfect humans," Meredith explained. She tugged gently at a few wisps of hair, spiraling them tightly around her index finger and releasing them to her shoulder before repeating the process.

"That bad, huh?" Cristina sighed. "At least tell me that they're really dumb. At least then there could be some cosmic justice."

"Well, let's see. Kathy is a psychologist that looks something like Charlotte on _Sex and the City_. You've already met pediatrician-extraordinaire, Nancy. Then there's Sarah, the super fabulous cardiothoracic surgeon in DC…"

"His sister does cardio?" Cristina interrupted.

"Yeah, and it sounds like Derek is trying to get her to come to Seattle Grace," Meredith dished.

"No shit. Neuro, cardio, and pediatrics in one family?" Cristina mused.

"And then there's Anna who is a kindergarten teacher, but I wouldn't be surprised if she's a super secret government agent or something," Meredith laughed. It would fit with the family's overachievement profile.

"So, we automatically hate them all," Cristina declared.

"Well, I'd like to, but they're just so freaking perfect that I _can't_ hate them."

"Meredith, are you being assimilated?" Cristina asked, almost accusatorily.

"No, I'm doing a good job scaring them off, I think. I started out okay, but there are just so many people and kids, and Kathy and Nancy have hardly even been here so far. I'm terrified to see what it will be like when everyone's assembled," Meredith confessed. Her heart raced a little as she imagined the house filled with Shepherds, and she hadn't even thought about how many could be at the funeral. "Plus, I think Nancy and Kathy hate me enough that I won't ever get into the Shepherd club," Meredith added.

"How's Derek holding up?" Cristina inquired, changing the subject a little. Her voice sounded more like she was talking into a tin can, so Meredith suspected that she had moved out of the basement and into a stairwell.

"Derek…" she sighed, trying to decide what to say. Her eyes filled with tears as she thought about him storming out of the dining room and rejecting her every effort to talk. "He's not taking it so well."

"Well, give him a few days to let it sink in," Cristina encouraged.

"Yeah," Meredith choked, trying to conceal the fact that she was upset.

It didn't work.

"Are you getting all weepy?" Cristina accused.

"I'm fine," Meredith quickly recovered.

"Are you sure? Because we could talk if you needed to. Actually, I wouldn't have anything particularly helpful to say, but I could listen and say 'uh-huh' and agree with you if you want to talk to your phone for a while," Cristina encouraged.

Meredith smiled a little, appreciating the small gesture of support that Cristina was offering. "I think I'll be okay," Meredith lied. _I think that Derek won't talk to me anymore. I think that Derek's going to figure out that I'm not a grown up and I can't handle these family situations and I really suck at trying to make him feel better, unless he wants sex, which I can do pretty well. Especially with him. I think that we were engaged and now we're not. _

"Okay, well I need to go prep for an appendectomy," Cristina responded. She certainly wouldn't push Meredith to talk, no matter how much Meredith was subtly encouraging her to do so.

"Okay. Have fun with that," Meredith replied.

"Blood and scalpels. Always fun," Cristina mused.

"Bye, Cris," Meredith said, hanging up. She didn't want to say goodbye yet, but she didn't think that Cristina particularly wanted to hear all about her family issues right now, and she didn't even know if she could articulate them all very clearly anyway. She just had a general malaise about being around family, no matter how nice they seemed. It was part of her defense mechanism, she guessed. She had tried to open up to Susan and Thatcher, and even after her father attempted some relationship with her, it all backfired tremendously. Meredith wasn't ready to go through that again, especially with people that were clearly very important to Derek.

She slouched down in the chair, trying to melt into it as she lifted her hands up to rub her temples. It was impossible to relax, even alone in the room. She felt like she was constantly walking on egg shells, and Derek was already cracking in two. If she stayed upstairs, away from his family, it would look like she was being intentionally reclusive – a fair assessment given that she was, in fact, hiding a bit. If she went downstairs, she would have to try to fit in, and that made her feel even more uncomfortable. And if she went to Derek – the option she preferred most of all – she couldn't be certain that he would even want her with him right now. He was supposed to protect her from his family and he was off in hiding himself.

She gave up on the self massage and decided to opt for acetaminophen to quell her growing headache. She dug some out of her tote bag, and resolved to go downstairs and check on Derek. He had been alone for almost an hour now – he should be able to tolerate her company. She just needed to find him.

When Meredith exited the bedroom, the house sounded much more active than before. Kids were screaming and playing, and conversations seemed to be streaming from several different areas of the house. As soon as she reached the landing, she quickly confirmed that Kathy and Nancy had arrived with their families, more than doubling the number of people in the Shepherd home.

If Meredith had any uncertainties about going to find Derek, those quickly evaporated as she noticed the crowd. She needed his protection and she needed it fast.

Meredith peeked in various rooms, snaking between the furniture and toys to find Derek, but he didn't seem to be sitting in on any of the conversations. She eventually found Mark, and he directed her to look on the back porch that she didn't even know existed.

Meredith located the back door of the house and looked out. She gasped as she realized that the Shepherds lived on a small lake surrounded by other homes and lush forests. It seemed like a perfect haven for Derek, and she couldn't believe that no one had mentioned it sooner. When they arrived late the evening before, she couldn't even see behind the house to notice that it was there. Now she wondered how she could have possibly missed it.

The back door creaked a little as Meredith opened it, the hinges squeaky and rusty from the moist air. The door swung closed behind her as she stepped onto the white wooden porch that extended the length of the house and looked for Derek. A couple of rocking chairs and a small patio table sat on the left hand side of the deck, and Meredith's heart sank a little as she realized he wasn't there. She looked back towards the right and noticed Derek sitting in a swing on the far corner of the porch. He stared out at the lake, watching as birds flew over head and a small fishing boat circulated through the northeast section of the lake. She was certain that he must have heard her come outside, but he wasn't letting on that he had.

She carefully walked over to his swing, trying not to disturb him too much. The air was cool and she immediately regretted coming outside without a jacket, but she wasn't about to turn back and face the family yet – not after she had ventured so far to find Derek. She slid into the wooden swing next to Derek and sat staring off in the direction of the lake, trying to follow his gaze.

_I'll sit and wait for him to talk. He'll talk when he is ready._

Derek and Meredith silently sat swinging in the chair for several minutes. The chilly air was slicing through the few layers of clothing Meredith had on, and at one point, she thought that the swing might be moving as a result of her shivers rather than any independent effort to propel the swing forward and back. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore.

"Do you want to talk?" she whispered cautiously. She didn't mean to whisper, she just couldn't find her voice in the cold air.

Derek sighed – not a relieved sigh, but an exasperated one. "No, I don't want to talk, Mere. Would you please stop asking me?"

Meredith bit her lower lip and fought back the tears that were rapidly flooding her eyes. He never snapped at her like this, and she immediately regretted coming outside.

"What is there to talk about anyway?" he continued. "Shall we chronicle and hyper-analyze the things that I've failed at or fucked up lately? Let's see…" His eyes were wild and he looked unusually pale. There was no evidence that he had been crying, but Meredith quickly realized that a lack of tears didn't mean an end to his moodiness. "My mom is dead and I don't know why. I might have been able to figure it out if I had, oh, I don't know, talked to her more than once in the last four months."

"Derek…" Meredith tried to interrupt so she could reason with him. But he was not interested in interruptions.

"My family doesn't even know me anymore. I have nieces and nephews who know Mark better than they know me. Do you know how fucked up that is? I barely even talk to them. They don't know much of anything about me these days. And that's my fault too. I've failed to include them. My marriage failed, and my most recent attempt to get you to marry me failed, so what could there possibly be to talk about, Meredith? Shall we wallow in misery together?" He couldn't even make eye contact with her. His eyes were distant and his body rigid.

This wasn't Derek, and Meredith desperately wanted her boyfriend back.

"You didn't fail," Meredith finally murmured. "With the proposal – you didn't fail."

Derek fought himself from glaring at her as she argued with him, and the scorned look sent shivers down her spine. He reached for her left hand and held it out in front of them, staring at her long fingers. "Are you wearing an engagement ring right now? No, it doesn't look like it, so it sure as hell seems like a failure to me," he fumed, releasing her hand from his grip.

Meredith was crying openly now. "Is this what this is all about? Is this why you won't talk to me anymore? I'll _wear_ the ring if you want me to, Derek. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" she sobbed.

Derek's stern look melted as he watched her crying. He wanted to take back everything he had said – the last thing he wanted was to hurt the one person he still felt close to, but he was upset and someone needed to know it. And while he hadn't intended to lash out at Meredith, she wasn't exactly saying the things he needed to hear.

"Meredith," he spoke softly. "Don't you understand? I don't want you to wear the ring just to make me happy. I want you to wear it because it's what _you_ want."

They sat in uncomfortable silence as a steady stream of tears flowed down Meredith's cheeks. She did want the engagement, she just didn't think she'd be able to convince him of that right now. And it still didn't feel right given all the emotional chaos surrounding them. They needed a do-over, and now wasn't the time for him to work on that.

"Maybe you're right," Derek sighed, scared of what he was saying. "Maybe it was a mistake that I proposed. I thought you were ready, but maybe…maybe you're not there yet."

_He said it out loud. He said it was a mistake…_

Meredith gulped, feeling like she was suffocating under the cold Connecticut air and a sea of disappointment. "Maybe I'm not," she agreed. _I am. I really am. _"You've experienced a terrible, horrible loss, and I'm here with you, but I don't even know your family and I don't know how to help you or how to relate to any of this because I haven't done this before. This is new to me, Derek, and I'm trying. I'm really, really trying because, believe it or not, I do love you. But now is not the right time for us to get engaged. It's just…not. We'll wait a little while, get back to Seattle, and figure this out then. We don't have to have our life planned today. We can wait until later," Meredith rationalized. She thought it was what he needed to hear. She was agreeing with him. _Not. Ready. Not yet_. She didn't even recognize Derek this week. She had never seen him grieve like this, and there was still so much about him that she was learning. She hadn't even known that he had a sister in cardio or that his childhood home was on a lake. She couldn't imagine that normal, engaged couples related to one another so poorly in moments like this or struggled so much with basic communication.

And if one of them wasn't ready right now, it was him.

"Later," Derek grumbled sarcastically. "We can wait until later…"

Meredith crossed her arms in front of her body, completely frustrated that he was being so difficult. All she had wanted to do was to try talking to him, and he was turning this into an epic battle. There were times when she would have stormed off and ignored him, but in Connecticut, she didn't feel like she had many hiding places to escape to. Besides, she was convinced, for once, that she was right, and she was willing to stand her ground.

"I can't deal with this right now. I'll be back later," Derek insisted as he stood up from the swing.

"Seriously? Just like that you're taking off?" Meredith asked in disbelief. "This is quite the role reversal, Derek. I'm trying to talk to you and you're running away."

Derek stepped back and stared at Meredith. On the inside, he knew she was right. He wanted to stay and try to talk, but he was so angry about everything that had happened in the last 48 hours – his mom, the ring, the autopsy – that he really needed to unload on someone. He worried that the longer he stayed and talked to Meredith, especially in this frame of mind, the more likely it would be that he would say something that he'd really regret…Something worse than all of the nasty things that had already left his lips.

Derek resisted the urge to have the last word and simply shook his head as he walked down the back porch, storming off toward the driveway.

Meredith listened for the sound of the car door slamming in the front and the engine igniting. His destination was completely unknown to her, and she felt completely conflicted about his quick escape. She hoped he wouldn't be gone too long. She was definitely missing the Derek she knew – the one that made her feel strong and safe and warm, not the imposter that she had spent the last several minutes fighting with. But as long as he continued to shut her out and take out his frustrations on her, she had no desire to see him.

It was for the best that they spent some time apart, Meredith decided, at least for a while...At least until one or both could learn how to communicate what they were really feeling.


	13. Chapter 13

Derek drove the rented silver Cadillac DTS through the side streets of New Canaan, not entirely sure where he was going. He needed to get out. Desperately. Just being at his mom's house with his sisters was making him feel claustrophobic, and he had no idea what he was doing or saying anymore. He just knew that it wasn't right. None of it was right. Derek found himself arguing with people – especially Meredith – just for the sake of arguing and the adrenaline rush that came with trying to win an impossible battle.

There was no real explanation for it, except for the one underlying truth: Derek missed his mom.

He thought he could still see her working in the garden near the back porch, her silver and black hair neatly pinned under a large hat as she tended to a section of bright pink and yellow chrysanthemums. He smiled as he remembered her favorite gardening gloves – the light blue ones with little ladybugs printed all over them. They complemented her fire-engine red work boots that were always a little dirty from the moist earth throughout their backyard. She spent hours in that garden, especially as her children got older and moved away, and Derek always appreciated the privacy that the garden gave their conversations as he helped his mother pull weeds.

_"So when can I expect grandchildren from you, Derek?" she asked._

_"Thirteen aren't enough?" he replied. _

_"Not when I haven't gotten to see what a wonderful father you'd be. You are so good with the girls and their kids….Don't you want to have children of your own?"_

_"Of course, Mom. It's just…now's not a good time. Addison and I…we're both really busy with work, and…"_

_"Work will always be there, Derek. Family and the moments you experience with them – however fleeting – that's what it's all about in the end. There will always be a million excuses why now is not a good time for kids, but don't make work one of them. A 'right time' will never exist if work is your priority." _

_Derek paused and looked over at his mother as she continued to work on the garden. She was trimming a few mums from a particularly large plant, and he suspected she would use them inside to make an arrangement._

_"Are you sure that work is the reason you and Addison are not making plans for children?" she asked, sensing there was something more. "You've already been together for ten years. I thought by now you would have settled in together."_

_"I don't know anymore, Mom. It's just not what it once was, you know?" Derek confessed._

_"Nothing worthwhile is easy," she replied casually._

_Derek shook his head, slightly frustrated with his mom's glib response._

_Barbara placed her flowers in a basket she was carrying and looked over at her son. Even with the large hat she needed to shield her eyes from the sun as she studied his expression. _

_"Derek, I'm not trying to pressure you into having children. If you want children, and I think you do, then you deserve to be a father. All I want for you – all I've ever wanted for my children – is to see you happy and get what you deserve out of life. The rest is just icing." She smiled warmly at him, radiating the kind of unconditional love he could always depend on her for. _

It had been a couple years since they'd really talked. Derek had visited, but he had been distant when his marriage started falling apart – when he probably needed her guidance the most. When he actually decided to move to Seattle, the last thing he wanted to do was face his mother. Still, she wasn't the kind of woman that let him off the hook easily.

"_When were you planning to tell me that you moved to Seattle, Derek?" she asked calmly as Derek listened through the cell phone. He had sent her to voicemail so many times that he knew he'd be in trouble once he actually answered the phone. In fact, Sarah had emailed that if he didn't start taking Mom's calls, Mom would be on a plane the next day._

"_I was going to tell you, actually. I've just been busy settling in." He hoped she wouldn't be able to tell that he was lying over the phone. _

_But she was his mom. She could tell._

"_I raised you much better than that, Derek. If I wanted to hear lies, I would watch Fox News."_

"_Fine," he sighed reluctantly. "What do you want to know?"_

"_First and foremost, I want to know that you're okay, Derek. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. Have you talked to Mark and Addison?"_

"_What is there to say?" Derek replied. "She was my wife and he was my best friend and I found them together."_

"_These things don't just happen," Barbara explained gently. "Your marriage was in trouble long before this, dear. I know it's hard to admit that, but something like this is a symptom not a cause."_

"_Well, if you ask me, it's a death sentence. As far as I'm concerned, my marriage is over," Derek asserted. His tone was strong and sharp, letting his mother know that he meant exactly what he said._

"_You know that I don't believe in divorce, Derek. I was raised in a generation that just didn't do that. We worked things out. But…" she sighed, grappling with her conscience as she determined the best advice to give her son. She had been raised as a strict Catholic – taught to believe that divorce was categorically wrong. Still, as a mother, she hated to see her son suffer in a marriage that couldn't give him what he wanted. "I raised you to make good decisions, and I trust your judgment. I know you'll do what's best in these circumstances. I don't want to see my only son in a loveless marriage. If you can't make it work, then you just can't. And if Addison isn't the love of your life, you need to find the woman who is."_

It was Meredith.

Even then, a couple months after moving to Seattle, he knew. He knew it like he knew that the hospital was always a little crazier when there was a full moon. He knew it like he knew that he was more likely to catch the fish in the lake in his mom's backyard if he used nightcrawlers purchased at Pete's Bait and Tackle shop. He couldn't prove it in any sort of scientific way. He just knew that every prior experience made him believe it just as he knew that every moment spent with Meredith made him feel completely alive. It was a mutual attraction that pulled them together – the kind that makes an apple fall to the ground or the planets maintain their rotational distance from the sun.

No matter how far apart they were physically or emotionally, gravity always pulled them back together again.

"_Maybe it was a mistake that I proposed. I thought you were ready, but maybe…maybe you're not there yet."_

He didn't actually mean what he had said. He desperately wished that his mom had been there with her bullshit detector to call him out on it. He waited for her to pipe up and encourage him to tell the truth – _honesty is the best policy _– but she wasn't in the garden to overhear their conversation. He never thought that asking Meredith to marry him was a mistake, nor did he know why he was going to such great lengths to shut her out. For months he had tried to get her to open up to him – to communicate and carry on mature adult conversations to handle their problems. Now, when he was faced with the biggest disappointment of his adult life, he found himself doing exactly what he told her not to do. He felt like such a hypocrite, but the arguing and avoiding was giving him the only release he could find amidst the creeping insanity that came with hoping to see someone who couldn't possibly be there.

Everything was different now.

But he could still smell his mom's perfume. The combination of gardenias with the faintest hint of jasmine wafted throughout the house, reminding him of her presence. He could smell it in the library when he sat with Anna, Josh, and Meredith the night before. There were still subtle hints of it in the living room, too, gently pulling out memories of times that he turned to his mom for comfort.

_"Your father would've been so proud of the way you handled the situation, Derek. You were so brave," his mother cried as she cradled her only son on the living room sofa. _

_Derek sat feeling virtually lifeless himself, still in shock from watching his father being carried out on a stretcher at the cottage._

_"He'll always be with you, Derek. Even though you can't see him, he's here watching over you, and he loves you so much. He's your guardian angel, now," she whispered. "No matter what happens, don't forget how much we both love you. We'll both always be there with you. I promise," she murmured as she tried futilely to stay strong for her children when her whole world was tumbling down._

He hoped Meredith would forgive him for the way he lashed out at her before storming off. He never meant to hurt her – it certainly hadn't been his intention. He recognized that just being there was a huge emotional commitment for her, but no matter how much she tried to help him, she wasn't giving him what he needed right now. She had never experienced a loss like this – even when her own mother died. She felt relieved and stuck her mother's ashes in a closet. She didn't even have a funeral or make an effort to say goodbye because she didn't know that it was possible to feel a connection with a woman who loved you before you were even born. Her mother had never defended her or protected her in the way Barbara had nurtured him.

He had been planning to take Meredith to Connecticut sooner, but there never seemed like a good time. Meredith was overwhelmed by her residency, and he knew that foisting her into a family situation would require a lot of persuasive capital. But he wanted Meredith to meet his mom and see what a strong family could look like. He was certain that as soon as his mom met Meredith and realized how in love he was with this woman, she would have treated Meredith like one of her own daughters. It would have given Meredith another chance to experience that kind of a relationship. She would have finally had a role model for how he hoped she would mother their own children someday.

Now that chance had been lost.

Derek continued driving aimlessly through the narrow city streets. New Canaan hadn't changed much over the years, so it wasn't a question of being unfamiliar with his surroundings. The only question facing him was where he was destined to go.

He had no idea.

These days, he felt chronically disoriented and uncertain. The moment he made plans, it felt like some form of emotional sabotage was virtually inevitable.

Derek swung his right foot from the gas pedal to the brakes, causing the tires to slow as he neared a four-way stop. The shift from forward movement to a complete stop made his body lean towards the steering wheel a little, and he barely caught his own reflection in the rearview mirror.

He looked abysmal – eyes dark and sunken, hair slightly less coifed after sitting outside in the cold Connecticut wind for so long. His lips were slightly chapped and reddish from the plane travel and late night canoodling with Meredith, and his eyes were still recovering from a night without much sleep.

Derek flipped on his right turn signal and motored towards Main Street. He decided on a destination.

The CVS hadn't been in town for long – two or three years at most. Derek tried to remember what building had originally been in its place, but he couldn't be sure. He thought it had been a local grocery store or an office building. Either way, the local business had been replaced by the national chain, and he almost felt guilty in finding comfort in that. Even though he hadn't been inside this particular CVS much, if ever, he knew the inside would feel familiar. If you've peered inside one, you've pretty much seen them all.

Derek easily found a parking space and scooted inside the store quickly to pick up items before they fell off his mental list. More than anything, he needed to get earplugs. He was slightly annoyed that Meredith had forgotten to pack them, but he couldn't be too angry. It was his own fault for drinking so much and becoming unavailable to coordinate the packing. Meredith had been nothing short of heroic in tending to him and assembling their things amidst the chaos he created, and even on a good morning, they probably would have forgotten something. Besides, he could think of a few other items they would need for their stay in Connecticut.

The hair product aisle was fully stocked with every imaginable kind of shampoo and conditioner, and Derek carefully scanned the shelves in search of the lavender kind that Meredith liked. It was a small goodwill gesture, but he thought she would appreciate it. Besides, they needed to get more of pretty much everything if they were going to spend a week. He had no idea whose brilliant idea it was to limit all liquids and gels packed in carry-ons to 3 oz. containers in a quart-sized Ziploc bag, but whoever made that decision clearly never traveled anywhere for more than a couple of days. Derek snatched bottles of shampoo and conditioner off the shelf and moved on to the next aisle, using the displays as prompts to help him think of other things they needed.

Hair gel…toothpaste…shaving cream…

Scotch.

The CVS had a reasonable selection of liquor, and the misery of the hangover became a distant memory to Derek as he searched for a bottle of single-malt scotch. He was certain that a few drinks of the strong, honey-colored spirit would soften the senses that made it almost impossible to be in his mother's house. And he'd control himself this time. Just a couple drinks. Not two-thirds of a bottle. Lesson learned.

Derek placed the bottle in his cart along with the other items and made his way to the cashier. The store was mostly empty, and he was relieved that there wasn't any sort of line ahead of him. He could just unpack, pay, and go. Perfect.

The cashier flashed Derek a friendly smile as he approached. The young man couldn't be more than eighteen, and his skin was speckled with acne that seemed redder than usual when juxtaposed with the red CVS vest.

"Were you able to find everything this morning?" he asked nicely as Derek began unloading his items.

"Yes…Aaron," Derek replied, reading the cashier's nametag. It was one of the little things that Derek had done over the years – he made it a point to call people by their name if they were wearing a nametag.

Aaron's smile faded a little as he watched Derek place the bottle of scotch on the counter.

"Um, sir, I'm afraid I can't sell you scotch today," Aaron mumbled.

"What?" Derek replied, completely caught off guard.

"No liquor sales on Sunday. State law," Aaron responded matter-of-factly.

"Look, I'll give you fifty bucks and let you keep the change," Derek negotiated.

"No…I could lose my job," Aaron replied.

"One hundred?" Derek asked as he continued to strike some sort of bargain.

Aaron shook his head no.

"You can't make an exception – just this once?" Derek attempted to persuade one last time.

"I'm afraid not, sir," Aaron answered.

"Are you kidding me?" Derek snapped. "This is completely asinine!"

"I'm sorry, sir…"

"Seriously? You're serious about this! Who makes these stupid rules? Do you mean to tell me that if I had been in here yesterday and purchased this exact bottle of scotch to drink _today_, there wouldn't have been any issues, but because it's Sunday, I can't buy this?" Derek ranted loudly. He was livid. He had been trying to restrain his emotions all day to avoid hurting Meredith or his family. But this person, this poor, unsuspecting CVS employee could not possibly have been prepared for the fury Derek was unleashing.

"Please don't raise your voice, sir. There's nothing I can do…"

"You know what you can do? You and I can pretend that it's Saturday. Hell, Friday even. Was Friday good for you? My Friday was great. And then my mom died. So pretend with me, will you, that today is Friday afternoon and sell me this goddamn scotch!"

"I could lose my job…"

"I. Don't. Care." Derek cowered, eyes dark. He was yelling, and it felt great.

Aaron looked stunned and slightly frightened. Derek suspected that the poor kid had never seen someone be so adamant about an alcohol purchase.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"I'm not done with my purchases yet. Sell me the scotch."

"No."

"Yes."

Derek stared Aaron directly in the eyes until Aaron was forced to look away. It was the first stare down that Derek had actually won. Usually he gave into the demands of anyone brave enough to stare _him_ down.

"I'm going to call security," Aaron threatened.

Derek set the bottle of scotch down on the counter in defeat. Maybe he hadn't won the staring contest after all.

"Fine. Keep the fucking scotch," Derek mumbled. He grabbed a stick of cherry-flavored chapstick from a display rack and slammed it down on the counter near his other purchases.

Aaron stared at Derek in disbelief as he finished ringing up the various items.

"$22.43," Aaron announced, breaking the silence.

Derek reached into his wallet and pulled out his credit card to pay. He wanted to complete the transaction as quickly as possible and get out of the CVS, so he chose to enter his pin number on the keypad rather than have to sign a credit card receipt. Besides, he didn't want Aaron to know his name or any other identifying details about him.

Aaron carefully passed Derek's bag and receipt across the counter, pausing for a second before saying, "Sorry about your mom."

Derek looked up and met the young man's sympathetic gaze. He couldn't believe that this boy was still so kind after Derek had been such an ass to him.

"Thanks, Aaron. I'm sorry too."


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I know this fic is a bit of a downer right now. Trust me when I say that as depressing as it is to read, it's ten times more depressing to write. You know how you can help me with that, though? Write me reviews. Reviews make me happy. :-) This chapter is a bit of calm before the storm of funeral stuff. Our favorite couple is making progress, though, and they will emerge better off from all of this, so stick with me!**

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Derek dropped his CVS bag off on an old wooden bench in the foyer and followed the sound of Meredith's voice to the den. He had no interest in saying "hello" to his sisters or anyone else that was in the house at the moment, and from the number of cars in the driveway, he knew that everyone was there. The only person that he wanted to see was Meredith. Everyone else could wait.

Meredith sat on the floor with several of Derek's nieces and a small army of Barbie dolls. Regan and Nancy's youngest daughter, Elizabeth, were twisting and tying Meredith's long hair in a style that looked like a cross between braids and a French twist. Wisps of hair were falling out everywhere, and the style was haphazardly secured with an assortment of pink ribbons and bows, most of which were undoubtedly intended for use on their dolls. Meredith didn't seem to mind having the girls play with her hair, however, and she occupied herself by helping Cate and Julie prepare Barbie and her friends for their impending dates with Ken and his posse. Meredith was apparently the fashion and hair consultant, and the girls were delighted to have her assistance.

Derek stood in the doorway, watching silently as the girls continued playing. Meredith seemed pretty relaxed which made him feel relieved. He was happy to see her playing with his sisters' children, and he was particularly comforted by her not seeming terribly upset anymore. At least, she wasn't so upset that she had stormed off or isolated herself. That was better than he expected.

"Uncle Derek!" Cate finally announced as she noticed her uncle standing in the doorway.

Meredith turned around, startled. Her eyes locked with his, and she immediately looked concerned and apprehensive. Her body tensed slightly, and the smile that she wore when she was alone with the kids evaporated.

"Hi," Derek said gently.

"Do you like her hair? We've been trying to make her pretty for you," Regan announced as she continued to run a brush through the many tangles the girls had created. Meredith was being incredibly patient as her hair was tugged and pulled in all directions.

"She always looks very pretty to me," Derek replied. His voice was soft and genuine – nothing like the bitter tones he lobbed at Meredith hours earlier. He smiled weakly at Meredith, his eyes broadcasting apologies and love in a language only she could translate.

Meredith relaxed a little and smiled back. Her shoulders dropped, and she passed the Barbie back to Julie so her hands could be free in her lap. It was clear that she was preparing to break away from the kids soon so she could be with Derek, but the girls had no intention of letting her leave so easily.

Cate got up and ran over to Derek, slipping her eight-year-old hand into his, and pulled him back towards Meredith and the other girls. "Do you want to see our Barbies? Meredith has been helping us," Cate insisted in a way that made it impossible for Derek to say no.

"Yeah, show me," he replied. He winked at Meredith and walked across the room so he could sit on the floor next to her. Their backs were leaning against a sofa, but there was still enough room for him to slip his arm around Meredith's lower back and pull her close to him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered in her ear just before kissing her sweetly on the cheek.

She turned and looked at him, her eyes tired and sad but understanding. She opened her mouth as though she wanted to say something, but she quickly closed it, opting instead to nod her head. She certainly wasn't going to press him to say more than that. She would wait until he volunteered information, but she knew she couldn't make him talk to her no matter how much they both needed the communication.

Derek served as an audience to his nieces' Barbie fashion show for about ten minutes, oohing and aahing over the various ensembles and hair designs so all four girls could feel proud of their runway efforts. Meredith giggled occasionally as he gave specific feedback about the styles or suggested new combinations of colors or outfits based on the dolls' hair or eye colors. It was abundantly clear that he had lots of practice with this routine after growing up in a house full of girls, and his eyes sparkled every time he turned them towards Meredith. _We could have this for ourselves. We could be great parents together._

When Derek finally decided that he had enough of Barbie couture, he lifted his tired body off the floor and pulled Meredith up with him. A flurry of pink ribbons fell out of her hair with the movement, and the lopsided hairstyle started to unravel into the typical flowing locks that framed her face.

Meredith stared at Derek, trying to deduce his plan for escape.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" he asked her in a hushed tone so the girls wouldn't overhear him.

"Um, sure. Let me run upstairs and grab a coat," Meredith responded. She started combing her fingers through her hair as she walked briskly towards the stairs.

"We'll play more later, okay?" Derek announced as he turned his attention back towards his nieces. They were completely absorbed in their own little fantasy world, so they barely noticed that Uncle Derek was leaving them.

"Okay," Regan responded without even looking up.

Derek smiled and walked back towards the foyer so he could wait for Meredith.

"I thought I heard you sneak back in earlier. You're not even bothering to say hi anymore?" Nancy stood in the doorway between the foyer and the dining room, leaning against the archway with her arms crossed. She looked tired but concerned.

"I'm on my way out again," Derek answered. He was still frustrated with the decision about the autopsy, and he didn't want to invite Nancy to restart that conversation.

"I see. With Meredith?" Nancy asked. Her voice was somewhat sharp and judgmental, and it wasn't difficult for Derek to deduce that she still wasn't completely sold on his relationship.

Derek nodded. "We're going to go for a walk."

"You see her all the time…"

"And I'd like to keep it that way," Derek interrupted before she could finish her thought. He wasn't in the mood to be guilted into staying.

"We never see you, Derek," Nancy continued, obviously undeterred by Derek's not at all subtle effort to stop the conversation.

Derek sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, massaging his head slowly as he stood there waiting and wondering what could possibly be taking Meredith so long. "I really just…We'll talk. I promise. I'll be here for a week. I just…I could use some fresh air and I've already abandoned Meredith long enough for today. I don't trust you guys with her," he explained.

Nancy grunted a little, implying that she was offended by Derek's comment. "I don't know why you would say something like that," she blubbered.

Derek rolled his steely blue eyes. "Give me a break. You, especially, have never been particularly welcoming of Meredith. You have gone to great lengths to encourage a reconciliation with Addison – and trust me, it will never happen. Meredith is it for me, so you need to get used to that."

"Whatever makes you happy," Nancy replied in a manner that sounded less than genuine. She shifted her weight a little and leaned back against the archway. Her foot tapped a little impatiently, and her arms remained crossed in front of her body as she waited with Derek.

"Right," Derek mumbled sarcastically. He could hear Meredith approaching the stairwell, and he turned his attention back towards the steps so he could watch her descend towards him. The pinched annoyance he felt towards Nancy fell from his eyes as he saw Meredith wearing her chocolate brown sweater and navy wool coat. She had clearly brushed her hair, making sure that all of the tangles and clips from the girls' hairstyling efforts were removed. She looked fresh and beautiful, and it was all the confirmation he needed that they should spend some time together. For once, she could be the bright and shiny to his dark and twisty.

Meredith smiled tentatively at Derek, unaware that Nancy was in the room with them. "Do I need my purse or anything?" she asked as she approached the landing.

"No, we'll just walk around the lake," he replied. He walked over to Meredith and slowly ran his hand along the back of her neck, releasing some stray hairs that were tucked beneath the collar of her coat. He loved the feel of her silky strands brushing against his fingertips, and he took his time gliding his hand through her hair, making the routine gesture something much more intimate between them.

"Will you be back before dinner?" Nancy asked, interrupting the moment.

Meredith jumped at the sound of Nancy's voice, and Derek immediately took Meredith's hand in his to let her know that she would be sheltered and protected.

"Yeah, we'll be back long before then. We'll probably just be gone an hour or so," Derek replied without taking his eyes off Meredith.

Nancy retreated to the dining room without saying goodbye to them, leaving Derek relieved. He knew that if any of his family members were likely to scare Meredith off it would be his two older sisters. He just wanted to get her out of the house and alone with him so he could try to smooth things over. He still felt guilty about how he stormed off earlier, and he sensed that she was still somewhat slightly nervous about being around him.

Derek escorted Meredith out the front door and down the cement steps that led to the driveway. The air was warmer from the early afternoon sun, but the temperature was still cool overall – typical for the season when leaves changed from lush greens to vibrant reds, oranges, and yellows before toppling to the ground. It was his favorite time of year, and he intentionally shuffled his feet against the damp sidewalk so he could kick away stray leaves that had migrated from trees or nearby piles.

Meredith linked her arm around his and strolled silently next to him. Derek could hear her breathing softly, and followed her gaze down towards the ground ahead of them. She was looking straight ahead and not at him which compounded his guilt.

"I really am sorry about this morning," Derek started.

They neared the end of the driveway and turned down the street, heading further into the subdivision rather than back towards the city. The neighborhood was quiet and rarely had much traffic which made it perfect for kids to play outside or couples to take walks.

"It's okay," Meredith whispered. She buried her hands inside the pockets of her coat for extra warmth but maintained her arm linkage with Derek. "I know you're upset."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean that it's okay for me to take it out on you. You haven't done anything wrong…and I'm really glad that you're here," Derek confessed.

Meredith looked over at Derek, scanning his expression for more clues on how he was feeling. "You're glad that I'm here?" she murmured, almost disbelieving.

Derek pulled his arm away from hers so he could wrap it around her shoulders. "Meredith, do you have any idea what a wreck I would be if you _weren't_ here? Trust me, this is better."

Meredith slid her arm around Derek's waist, leaning into his warmth. Her hands gently grazed the soft cotton-cashmere sweater that he was wearing, and he leaned down to kiss her forehead delicately. He was communicating much better with actions than words right now, and he hoped that Meredith understood all of the messages he was attempting to transmit.

The couple continued to drift through the neighborhood until they came to a well-worn path near the lake. Derek steered Meredith towards it, adjusting his steps for the uneven patches of gravel and dirt as opposed to the smooth terrain of a cement sidewalk. Huge maple trees provided a wall of color on both sides of them as they walked towards what looked to be a long wooden dock over the lake. A few small fishing boats were scattered off in the water, but the dock itself seemed to be abandoned. The only sounds they heard were the occasional cries from birds and the crunching leaves beneath their feet.

"Do you want to sit for a little while?" Derek asked as the reached the dock. Its wooden planks stretched about twenty-five feet over the water, and the lake looked like a black mirror as it rippled around the dock's supports, reflecting a distorted image of the items overhead.

"Sure," Meredith responded. Her voice revealed that she was still somewhat apprehensive about being with him, and he sighed as he considered that he probably deserved it.

Derek led Meredith to the end of the dock and watched as she sat down and crossed her legs in front of her. She was looking off at the water, studying the panoramic view of the lake while Derek sat behind her. He scooted close to her body and straddled his legs around her narrow hips so he could pull her torso close to his. She leaned back against him, melting into his warm embrace as he gently tucked all of her hair towards her right shoulder, exposing her ear and neck on one side. His hands eventually settled on her lap, and she delicately interlaced her fingers with his. Her fingertips were cool, but they heated quickly against Derek's dexterous hands. He rested his head against her shoulder, occasionally kissing her exposed neck softly and fanning it with moist, warm breath as the two sat in silence and watched the peaceful stillness of the environment.

"This seems like a nice place to grow up," Meredith finally spoke, breaking the silence.

"It was," Derek responded. He inhaled and contemplated saying something more, but he decided to leave it at that. He felt more comfortable in the silence between them than trying to explain things to her.

Still, he knew that he needed to talk – to give her some sort of explanation for his behavior and the way that he lashed out at her this morning. He knew that she hadn't gone through these feelings when her mother had died, and she couldn't fathom how much of an emotional rollercoaster it was putting him on.

"I…" he paused, still working out what he should say. "When my father died…"

Meredith's head lifted up and leaned back against him, letting him know he had her complete attention. Her breathing was a little faster, and it felt like her heart was racing as she waited for him to complete his thought.

"Do you know how my father died?" Derek continued. He didn't know if anyone had told her about it. He certainly hadn't.

"Mark told me," Meredith replied softly.

Derek nodded and began tracing little designs with his fingers in the palms of her hands.

"I don't handle these things very well. I've never been able to talk about my dad with…with anyone, really. And now with Mom…I just…I hope that you don't think that I'm intentionally trying to shut you out. I don't mean to do that," Derek explained. His eyes filled with tears as he fought through many painful memories.

"Okay," Meredith whispered. "But…I'm here. If you want to talk or need anything... I won't push anymore, but you can talk to me. I want to help you get through this."

"You are helping. Just being here helps more than you could know," Derek replied thoughtfully as he squeezed her body closer to his.

"I think I would have liked to meet your mom," Meredith added honestly. She wouldn't force him to talk, but she wouldn't keep her thoughts to herself either.

"I wish you could have. I should have brought you out here sooner," Derek sighed. His voice was tinged with regret.

"Don't feel bad, Derek. If you had suggested it in these last few months, I might have said no."

Derek drew in a deep breath of crisp air and sighed. She was right – she probably wouldn't have agreed to come out with him even if he had suggested it sooner. It was a lost opportunity, but it wasn't his fault. He swallowed and fought against the tears he felt burning in his eyes.

"You really loved her, didn't you," Meredith stated. She shifted her weight a little before moving out of his grasp and turning around to face him directly. She sat on her knees and stared at him with an expression of sad concern.

"Yeah, I did," Derek replied. His voice was gravelly and full of emotion.

Meredith nodded. She looked like she was deep in thought, and she fidgeted with her hands a little as she started to speak. "This probably sounds crazy, but I wish I could have been this upset when my mom died. I didn't feel much of…anything. She was there, and then she wasn't."

Derek stared at her, surprised by her admission.

"I should have felt something more, you know? But I never did. We never had that – the thing you had with your mom," Meredith sighed and looked up at Derek. Her eyes were wide and cautious, and she looked particularly small and vulnerable with the lake stretching out behind her.

"I wish you could have had a better childhood," Derek responded. "It's not fair that your mom took so much away from you – so many experiences…"

"And left me emotionally stunted," Meredith concluded.

"You're not emotionally stunted," Derek argued.

Meredith arched her eyebrows at him skeptically.

"You're not. You're one of the most caring, compassionate, genuine individuals I've ever met. If you were emotionally stunted, you wouldn't be here right now," Derek reassured her.

Meredith shrugged, still not entirely believing him.

"I guess my point is…while I don't understand what you're going through right now, I still want to help. I…I love you," she whispered as if it was a secret confession that no one else could hear. She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him in a strong embrace as she met his lips with hers.

Derek allowed himself to linger in her kiss for a few moments, tasting her minty-sweet tongue still flavored by the faintest hint of toothpaste and inhaling her lavender-scented hair. Wrapped up with her, it was possible to forget everything else, and he was tremendously grateful to have her with him. Engaged or not, she was still there and showed no propensity to leave. Not now, and hopefully, not ever.

He pulled away from her and smiled, trying to let her know how much he loved having her with him. "Thank you," he finally murmured.

"For what?" she asked, looking confused.

"For trying. I know you don't feel like you're helping much, but I really couldn't do this without you." He lifted his hand to cup her face. His fingers tangled in her hair as she turned to kiss the fleshy part of his hand below his thumb. "I couldn't do _anything_ without you in my life."

Meredith nodded, seeming to understand, and kissed him again, this time on the lips.

Derek leaned forward and carefully guided her backwards so she ended up lying on the dock, her hair splaying out behind her as his body pressed against hers. All he wanted was to linger in her touch and listen to the water rippling beneath them. He shifted the bulk of his weight off of her, but continued kissing her tenderly in the warm sunlight that broke through the clouds. His left arm slid under her neck to form a sort of makeshift pillow and his right hand slid gently along the fabric of her sweater before resting over her sternum so he could feel the strong and steady rhythm of her heart.

Meredith pulled away and looked at him, a mischievous grin on her face. "I bet you brought all of your dates here, didn't you?" she accused playfully.

"Maybe one or two," he admitted. "But none felt as good to me as you do." He resumed kissing her, using his tongue and lips to convince her of his comment. He could feel her body squirming as she tried to align her body perfectly with his. He knew that he couldn't make love to her out in the open air of the dock – there were too many people nearby and it was still daylight – but he didn't want to stop kissing her.

Meredith groaned his name, her voice low and sensual. "We can't do this here," she confirmed.

"I know," he sighed. He stared at her thoughtfully as he played with a few wisps of her long hair. "Maybe we could just lie here together for a while," he suggested.

Meredith looked at him quizzically. It was unusual for him to decide against sex, particularly in the last couple days.

Derek smiled at her and kissed her forehead, reading her thoughts perfectly. "I'm sure that I'll get a chance to make love to you tonight," he explained. "For now, I'm happy just to lie here on the dock with you in my arms."

"Okay," she whispered. She snuggled close against him and rested her head against his chest. They both closed their eyes, basking in the warm radiance of the sun and listening to the serene sounds of their environment.

Derek continued toying with her hair, lazily stroking the soft strands and gently twisting them around his index finger. The dock wasn't exactly the most comfortable place he had ever stretched out on, but it provided a much needed escape from the memories haunting him in the house. Here he was momentarily at peace, and they both gradually drifted towards sleep, content and secure.


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's Note: Thanks for all of the reviews and support. I know the last chapter wasn't so depressing - I was thinking of the story as a whole. It's hard living in Meredith's and Derek's head right now. Those are scary, dark, and twisty places, and I feel like each chapter just makes the tunnel a little darker and a little longer with no end in sight. Here we are at chapter 15, my longest chapter by far, and the end of this story is light years away. We're not even close. Probably not even at the half way point yet. It looks like I'll be living in their heads for quite a while. Hopefully you'll all stick around. I could use the company. :)**

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Meredith woke up shivering beside Derek on the dock, the feel of his warm breath against her neck creating a stark contrast to the cool Connecticut air. Her legs and neck were a little stiff, and her fingers and toes felt like they were going numb. She didn't think they had been asleep long – a half hour maybe – but in the crisp fall air at the lake, that was about twenty-nine minutes too many for Meredith's easily chilled body.

"You're shivering?" Derek murmured as he pulled her closer, not even bothering to open his eyes yet. He knew that as soon as he did, his pupils would be assaulted by the same streaming sunlight that was sustaining his remaining warmth. He turned his face towards Meredith's hair and ever so slowly allowed his eyes to open, squinting at first so they could adjust to increasing amounts of light. He lifted his hand up to his face and rubbed his eyes and cheeks, feeling the blood circulate under the heavy muzz of exhaustion.

"Um…yeah, a little cold," she whispered back as she tried to snuggle into him more.

"Do you want to head back?" he asked as they both sat up and stretched a little. His muscles were already tense from all of the stress he was under, and sleeping on the dock made them scream with pain as he moved. He winced slightly and moved his hands to his shoulder blades, trying to massage out some of the pain.

"Yeah, maybe," Meredith replied. She substituted her cool fingers for his and kneaded her knuckles into his back, working fiercely at the many knots. The friction of her fingers against his sweater was warming, and she could tell that his body was being punished by the stress and grief.

Derek sighed at her touch and leaned into her firm, strong hands. She could feel his rigid muscles ripple against his shoulder blades as she tried to smooth the tissue, but it was too difficult to work through his layers of clothing.

"Maybe I'll give you a massage when we get back," she suggested. She dropped her fingers to the damp wood on the dock, seeking some sort of leverage so she could stand up. She slowly lifted her body, feeling her own taut muscles stretch and protest. Her wool coat was tugged tightly around her as she tried to generate more warmth, but she knew she wouldn't quite feel warm enough until she was back indoors.

"That sounds good," Derek agreed quickly as he stood up to meet her. He could tell that she was still cold, and he immediately wrapped his arm around her, allowing her to snuggle against him as they walked. She snaked her hands up under his sweater, allowing them to be sandwiched between the soft fabrics of his different shirts as they walked.

They ambled back through the woodsy path towards the paved sidewalk. The sun continued to sparkle over head, and very few clouds were floating through the sky. It was quiet, but comfortable – a marked contrast to the tense, forced silence of earlier in the day. If it wasn't so chilly out, Meredith would have liked to linger in this feeling much longer.

"So this massage," Derek mused, interrupting her thoughts.

"Mmm?" she hummed.

"Will it have a happy ending or do I need to pay extra for that?" he smirked.

Meredith giggled and rolled her eyes. "I don't feel like you've paid enough for last night yet…all those breakfast comments and everything," she jabbed. "I'm not exactly ready to add fuel to the fire, especially if Nancy and Kathy are there."

"No one will hear us," Derek insisted.

"I've heard that before," Meredith laughed dismissively.

"So, what? No sex the rest of the week?" he sneered.

Meredith frowned. That obviously wasn't her intention. But the thought of more teasing from his siblings was making her queasy. "I don't know," she mumbled.

Derek looked at her, shocked that she was even entertaining abstinence as a possibility. Eventually he just shook his head and exhaled a faint chuckle. "You wouldn't last," he quipped.

"What?" Meredith gasped.

"You…a week…not a credible threat," Derek explained.

"I could…I have…" she stammered.

"Not with me. Not since we got back together," he returned playfully. "A week? A _whole_ week? C'mon. It sounds like a Seinfeld episode."

"You don't have these magical powers or anything. I could do it. Just because I haven't chosen to in the past…"

"Right," he laughed. "Anything you say, Mere."

"I could," she whined defensively as she slipped her hands out from under his shirt and stuffed them into her coat pockets. She could be just as stubborn as he could, and she felt like now would be the time to prove it.

"Okay, you could hold out for a whole week," he agreed sarcastically. "A whole week in bed with me…mornings, nights…no problem."

"No problem," she echoed.

"But I'll still get a massage?" he asked. They were approaching the house, so they both wanted to wrap up the conversation before anyone else could overhear them.

"Sure," Meredith agreed as she followed him up the front steps. He opened the door for her and she immediately felt the warmth of the house envelop her as she stepped inside. A television buzzed from the family room, and it sounded like several people were chatting and talking in the kitchen, but no one was immediately there to greet them. They could slip away upstairs without being noticed.

Derek locked eyes with Meredith, filling her in telepathically on the secret plan to creep up the stairs and avoid getting caught. It was as if he was a horny teenager trying to sneak a girl up to his bedroom, and Meredith was up for the challenge. She slipped off her shoes by the front door, and tiptoed behind him in her socks up the worn, wooden steps. She thought for sure that someone would hear them, but they reached the landing undetected. He turned and smiled at her, congratulating her stealthy efforts.

"Go on in. I'll be there in a second," he whispered.

Meredith arched her eyebrows at him, curious what he was up to, but she followed his directions and slinked off into his bedroom, careful not to let the door squeak on its hinges as she opened and closed it.

The sun was directed towards the opposite side of the house now, so the room looked much darker than it appeared in the early morning hours. It was still light enough to be able to read without needing a lamp, but the light had dimmed substantially, making colors appear muted and encased by afternoon shadows.

Meredith peeled off her coat and tossed it over the arm of the red chair in the corner. She was still a little tired, and she crawled into the queen-sized bed to bask against the down comforter until Derek returned from his mystery mission. She grabbed a pillow and hugged it tightly against her chest while her legs kicked their way under the covers. She was almost starting to feel warm again.

The door knob turned quietly and Derek slipped inside the room clutching a clear bottle in his left hand. The door closed with a tiny popping noise as the spindle and shank of the door clicked together.

"We're in luck," Derek smiled victoriously as he started moving towards the bed.

Meredith looked closely at the bottle. _Baby oil_.

"Where did you find that?" she asked, not even sure she needed to know the answer.

"In Zach's room," Derek replied as he set the bottle on his nightstand and started removing his sweater and shirt.

"You stole it from the baby?" Meredith commented, a little disbelieving.

"I'll put it back or buy a replacement. It's fine," he insisted. "Now, do you want me completely naked for this or what?" he flashed a smile at her that practically screamed sex.

"Whatever makes you most comfortable," Meredith shot back as casually as she could. _I can resist you…This isn't sexual...You're tense, and I'm being…helpful. _She pulled back the sheets and blankets to make room for Derek underneath, and she couldn't help but notice, as his boxers slid down his hips along with his jeans, that his lower back arched perfectly into the curve of his tightly toned rear before folding and dipping to his thigh muscles. She took a deep breath, trying to regain her composure, as he slid the sheets up to his waist and laid on his stomach, arms folded underneath his head.

"Is this good?" he grinned suggestively.

"It's fine," she replied. "I just…um…let me throw on a tee shirt so I don't get oil on this one." She moved towards the closet, searching for her old Dartmouth tee that she packed to sleep in.

"Or you could just take your shirt off. It's not sexual so no big deal, right?" he teased.

Meredith ignored his comment and changed shirts. She was going to put up a bigger fight than this. She could be more stubborn than he could. Really.

Derek waited patiently on the bed as Meredith lifted the bottle of baby oil and squirted a little into her hands. The oil was cool to the touch but heated quickly against her skin as she lowered her hands to his back.

Her hands glided across his skin in long strokes, but she struggled to get a good angle on the tense muscles around his spine as she stood by the bed. Unsure what else to do, she crawled up on top of him and perched on top of his ass, straddling his hips with her legs so she could easily slide back and forth along the muscles approaching his shoulders before winding back down towards his lower back.

Derek moaned softly, feeling the tension melt beneath her strong, soothing fingers. She rarely delivered massages like this, but any time she did, the massage was worlds better than what he could pay for at a spa. Meredith's fingers instinctively knew each muscle in his body, the places he harbored secret pain, the dips and turns and twists that belonged and those that didn't. He could spend hours giving into her touch.

"Put your arms out to your side," she instructed as she guided his arms into place. Her hands slid from his lower back up over his broad shoulders and back down across his arms, repeating in slow, perfect time with his breathing. She then concentrated her efforts on the soft tissues between his spine and shoulder blade, pulling and puckering his skin as she alleviated pressure throughout the region. She intermittently added more baby oil, making the room smell fresh and powdery as her hands danced along his skin. She loved the way he responded to her touch and the feel of his strong muscles relaxing as her thumbs circled the ridges beneath his shoulder blades.

"Why don't you do this more often?" he murmured into the sheets as he floated in and out of consciousness.

"Because I am the stressed out, permanently exhausted resident and you are the chief," she explained gently as she slid her entire forearm up and down his back. "Why don't you do this for _me_?"

"I will," he sighed. "I promise."

She moved off him and slid the sheets lower to reveal his glutes. Her tiny, ineffectual fists found a clear purpose as they strummed his muscles before moving on to knead his thighs. She continued down through his calves before reaching his feet. She pressed her knuckles into the ball of his left foot, then his right, applying just enough pressure to avoid tickling him but enough to work out all of the tension he invariably stored there.

"Roll over," she instructed firmly as she held the sheets up over his body. Her breath hitched as he turned towards her and gave her a full glimpse of his naked body. She dropped the sheet quickly on top of him, unwilling to let her eyes linger too long, but the tent of the sheet forming around his erection made it impossible for her to forget the thing she insisted she could go without.

He smiled groggily at her and reached for her slick hand to pull her towards him.

"I'm not done yet," she pouted.

Derek arched his eyebrows in confusion before dropping her hand. He had no idea what other techniques she would be trying, but he was happy to be the subject of her experiment.

Meredith poured a few more drops of baby oil into her left hand and rubbed both hands together before laying them on his chest. Her thumbs pressed along his sternum before sliding towards his clavicle, alleviating tension he didn't even know existed. He inhaled deeply at her touch and felt his body tense a little as her hands slowly glided further south, into his pectoral muscles, over his nipples, along his rib cage, and towards his hips. Just as he was sure that she was going to reach for his aching sex, she moved her hands back up to his clavicle to repeat the process.

"Mere," he finally whispered when his body was generating hungry tension faster than she could remove it. "Please…"

She stared at him longingly, a sly smile splayed across her lips. "You want happy ending?" she teased. The tone of her voice made him feel like he was more in a seedy massage parlor than inside his old bedroom with the love of his life.

He released a low, guttural groan that practically cried for more.

"Hand jobs are not sex," Meredith insisted, letting him know that she was going to win the battle, no matter how much it tormented her to do it.

"Fine. Not sex. Just…please…" he begged.

She bit her lip and slid the sheets lower to reveal his fully erect shaft that demanded her attention. She flexed and stretched her fingers before letting them flutter up and down the sides of him.

His breathing quickened and his back arched towards her, encouraging her to do much, much more.

She reapplied a little more baby oil to her hands, lubricating them before they gripped his length. Her fingers circled around the thick base of his erection, stroking the shaft and teasing his balls without ever reaching the tip that glistened with wetness in front of her. She wanted to take him in her mouth, but she hesitated, wondering if that meant that she'd lose their wager on some technicality. After all, a blow job was technically considered oral _sex_, but a hand job? She didn't think there was a sexy name for that.

Derek scrunched the sheets in his fists and pushed his head back into the pillows, pouting that she wasn't giving him more.

Meredith eventually gave in, allowing his fluids to mix with the baby oil as she moved her hand up over his ridge and caressed his tip, causing him to release a loud groan in the process.

"Do I need to stop?" she chastised. He quickly remembered what got them into the "no sex" bind in the first place and frantically shook his head "no."

"Good," she teased, working her hands up and down over his taut, slick skin. Her right hand alternated with her left, starting at the base of his shaft and gliding up over his shaft before repeating in a rhythm that made his whole body tense and squirm.

"Oh, god," he sighed. His eyes rolled back into his head and she could tell that it was taking every ounce of his restraint not to make much more noise. "I…I wanna…cum…" he panted. "Faster…"

Meredith complied and within moments she felt him tense up, shudder, and release himself in four violent spasms. She leaned forward and kissed him deeply on the mouth before moving off the bed.

"Unreal," he gasped as he watched her move towards the bathroom and bring back a handtowel. She was cleaning herself off and soon tossed the towel in his direction for him to do the same.

"You liked that?" she teased. She slid her jeans off and crawled into bed next to him, undeniably ready for a nap longer than the one they had on the dock.

"It was awful," he teased back. "You really need much more practice with that – to perfect your technique," he continued as he tossed the towel on the floor and covered himself up with the blankets. He rolled towards her and pressed his naked body against her cottony tee shirt and silky panties.

She was instantly reminded why she wouldn't be able to keep up her wager for a full week. _No. Freaking. Way._

"You win," he whispered into her ear as he slid his hand over her hip and pulled her closer.

"Huh?" she whimpered.

"The sex thing. I believe you could make it," he lied convincingly, "but let's not prove it this week. I can deal with my sisters and Mark, but I can't deal with not having you. Not this week."

"Okay," she murmured lazily as she drifted off towards sleep. He was blanketed around her and there was nothing she could possibly do or say to argue.

The hours drifted by, morphing the room's cascading shadows into an ever growing darkness as their bodies recovered from the emotional and physical turmoil of the past couple days. If Meredith had been snoring, Derek seemed completely oblivious to it as he succumbed to a deep sleep himself. The family dinner came and went, and if anyone had tried to call them downstairs for it – or even knew that they were home to make that a possibility – neither Meredith nor Derek heard them.

It wasn't until almost six that Meredith's eyes fluttered open and saw the red digits on the nearby alarm clock.

"Derek," she gasped, sitting up quickly.

He moaned and turned over, mumbling something entirely incoherent along the way.

"Derek, it's nearly six. We need to get up," she insisted.

Derek rolled over again and stared at the ceiling. His expression of dread instantly made Meredith regret waking him up.

"We missed dinner," he announced.

"I think so."

He nodded. "Perfect," he remarked sarcastically. "One more reason to think I'm intentionally evasive." He certainly hadn't intended to sleep so long, but he was sure that no amount of explaining would convince his older sisters of that.

Meredith frowned. "I'll take the blame if you want me to," she conceded. She didn't want to spend another night listening to him argue with his sisters.

"Don't be silly," he dismissed as he sat up. "It's fine."

"So tonight…" Meredith started.

"Yeah?" Derek responded, wondering where she was going with her train of thought.

"What's…what is tonight? I haven't, um, I haven't really done many funeral things," she admitted.

Derek raised his eyebrows, surprised. His eyes grew sad, but calm.

He had definitely done a funeral before.

"Well, we'll have a viewing around six-thirty…" he began. "For the immediate family only – we'll get to see Mom first before anyone else arrives. Then around seven the priest will show up for the prayer service. That will probably last an hour or so," he explained as he got out of bed and moved towards the closet, flipping on the light along the way. He located his gray trousers and examined them closely, trying to decide whether or not ironing was necessary. He concluded that it wasn't and began laying out the rest of his clothes.

"Oh," Meredith replied quietly. She bit her lower lip, thinking of what question to ask next. She had a million. "Um…a priest?"

Derek met Meredith's eyes and laughed a little. "I know. I'm not a very good Catholic am I?"

"I didn't even know you _were _Catholic," Meredith shot back, suddenly wondering how many other details like that she didn't know about her almost-fiancé.

Derek shrugged. "I'm not really practicing or anything, especially given the whole divorce and premarital sex stuff, not to mention our scandalous cohabitation out of wedlock," he teased. "But there was a time when Mark and I were altar boys. I have the pictures to prove it."

"Mark, too?" Meredith gasped playfully. Her eyes grew wide at the mere thought of Derek and Mark wearing little white robes.

She made her way across the room to stand beside Derek, peering into the closet for something to wear.

"Scary, huh?" Derek added.

She laughed a little, but quickly grew serious again as she started thumbing through her own wardrobe, deciding what would be appropriate to wear to a prayer service. For the daughter of Ellis Grey, a woman who believed in nothing but science and medicine, it wasn't a question with an obvious answer.

"What about you? Any thoughts on religion? We've never talked about this," he prodded carefully. He was genuinely curious about her feelings, though he doubted her answer could change anything between them.

"Not terribly religious, I guess," Meredith acknowledged. "Ellis didn't believe in anything, really. I'm not opposed to the concept, it just hasn't come up much for me. But there's definitely something…when we die…" she started before deciding she probably shouldn't elaborate. The last conversation she wanted to have tonight was one about talking with Denny during her own near death experience. If Derek hadn't thought she was a little crazy before, that might push him over the top.

Derek looked at Meredith quizzically, a little surprised about her adamancy over the afterlife. He ran his fingers through his black locks and wandered into the bathroom to glance at himself in the mirror. "I should probably shower," he grumbled as he tried and failed to scrunch his hair back into place. "But we can still talk while I'm in here," he announced a bit more loudly.

Meredith selected a long black skirt and dark gray sweater from the closet. "Is this okay?" she asked as she watched him pull out a towel from a linen cabinet.

"That's fine," he confirmed as he turned the shower dial. A spray of water shot from the nozzle and a fine mist of steam soon blossomed throughout the bathroom. Derek threw his towel from the morning over the back of the shower door and climbed in. "So, the religion thing…" Derek continued. "Fuck, I forgot the shampoo downstairs," he grumbled again.

"Do you need me to get it for you?" Meredith asked, stepping into the bathroom.

"No, there's enough in here," he mumbled, confirming his statement with the onset of a flowery scent from the travel-sized shampoo they bought at the airport. "Religion…"

"Yeah," Meredith replied. It was too big of an opening for her to step into. She needed some sort of question – something more specific – before she would take on this topic with him. She reached for her toothbrush and started running water in the sink.

"You celebrated Christmas as a kid, right?" Derek asked.

"Most years," Meredith replied before sticking the toothbrush in her mouth.

Derek gasped in disbelief. "_Most_ years?" he repeated.

"Mmm-hmm," Meredith mumbled before spitting out a mouthful of foam. "We usually had a small tree, and most years I got presents of some sort."

"Santa Claus?" Derek prodded.

"Not after I was five," Meredith confirmed.

Derek rinsed the shampoo out of his hair as he made the connection that her childhood Christmas memories were almost certainly linked to her father. He could imagine Thatcher being enthusiastic about celebrating the holiday while Ellis would see it as an unnecessary distraction from her many surgeries at the hospital. It was difficult for him to imagine a childhood like that, and it made his heart break a little to think of all the joyful experiences Meredith probably missed out on as a result. He'd have to try to make it up to her this year.

"But you think there's a god?" Derek continued.

"Sure, I think so. I'm hazy on the details, but there's something," Meredith replied. "Is that okay?" she asked self-consciously as she leaned into the shower. She wanted to see Derek's face as he answered the question so she could better gauge the honesty of his response.

"That's fine, Mere," he smiled. "And it wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me if we disagreed. It's not really a big deal until kids get involved."

Meredith's eyes grew wide and fearful. He had said that four-letter word again. _Kids_.

"And since you seem pretty apathetic about the topic, and I'm not terribly committed to anything these days either, we're fine," he laughed.

Derek quickly finished his shower and stepped back out into the bathroom. Large drops of water fell from his wet hair, and smaller droplets glistened on the fine hairs of his chest as he wrapped a towel around his waist.

Derek sauntered over to where Meredith was applying mascara, and pressed his wet body against her. His arms wrapped around her waist in a tight hug and his chin rested on her shoulder as he looked at their reflection in the mirror. He always loved seeing them together.

"Do you want to skip this thing tonight?" Derek asked, half-serious. "We'd have the house all to ourselves…"

"Derek," Meredith scolded disapprovingly.

"I know," he groaned and pulled away. "We have to do this," he said, convincing himself more than anything.

Meredith frowned as she watched him slink off into the bedroom through the reflection in the mirror. She could tell that he was dreading going to the funeral home far more than she was, and that was saying a lot. She had been worried about him all day long, and although his mood had improved dramatically since the morning, she knew that he was still incredibly fragile. She just hoped she had the strength to pick up the pieces if he shattered.

Derek was only half dressed when a knock unexpectedly rapped on their bedroom door. Meredith peered out into the bedroom as Derek walked over to answer, seemingly unconcerned about who could be knocking. On the other hand, she was incredibly nervous about who could be infiltrating their private space – the tiny parcel of the Shepherd home carved out just for her and Derek.

"Hey," she heard Mark's voice say as Derek opened the door. "I was sent to make sure you guys made it back here this afternoon," he continued.

Meredith sighed, relieved to hear a familiar voice.

"We've been here for a while," Derek replied as he stepped away from the door. He left it open, creating an implicit invitation for Mark to come in.

"Did Mom change this room again?" Mark asked as he stepped in and closed the door behind him. His focus was shifting across the walls, noticing subtle details and differences.

"A little. It's been like this for a while, though, I think," Derek replied as he returned to his white button down shirt. His fingers worked the buttons quickly and proceeded to tuck the tails of it into his pants.

"It's…quaint," Mark decided. He sat on the bed, not particularly noticing – or not caring if he had noticed – that Meredith was in the room. "So…you're probably going to get shit for missing dinner," he commented.

"I figured as much," Derek responded as he pulled a black cashmere sweater over his shirt.

Meredith stood in the bathroom debating whether or not to go out into the bedroom with Mark there. She wasn't technically eavesdropping – Derek knew she was there, and certainly Mark couldn't think she was too far away. Still, she felt like they were having a private conversation reminiscent of the times that they would hang out together, and she wanted to stay out of it for a few more moments.

"You didn't miss anything, though. And I'm sure you and Meredith had far more fun," he grinned slyly.

Meredith decided she would interrupt before the conversation turned into something much more risqué with Derek inevitably sharing too much information about their sex life as he tried to one-up his best friend. She had already witnessed that phenomenon at breakfast, and she wasn't ready to let it happen a second time in one day.

"We actually didn't mean to miss dinner. We just slept through it," Meredith called casually from the bathroom. "Derek, can you bring me my clothes?" she asked, not realizing that her request would only fuel Mark's active imagination.

"She wear you out, Shepherd?" Mark asked.

Derek grinned, not willing to confirm or deny anything as he passed her skirt and sweater through the bathroom door.

Meredith rolled her eyes and ducked back into the bathroom, closing the door far enough that Mark couldn't see her changing.

"Did you take her to the Pirate's Lair?" Mark pressed.

Even though the door obscured her from their view, she could still see them through a narrow crack in the door. Derek was shaking his head no, clearly trying to signal to Mark not to bring something up.

Meredith's curiosity was definitely piqued.

"What's the Pirate's Lair?" she called playfully from the bathroom as she stumbled around in the bathroom trying to put on nylons. She rarely wore them, and as she nearly fell over three times while slipping her feet into them and sliding them up her calves and thighs, she remembered why.

"Don't ask…" Derek replied.

"Arrrgh, the Pirate's Lair," Mark started in his best pirate voice. "In grade school it was where we kept our booty, in high school it's where we got some."

Meredith started choking on her laughter despite her best efforts to keep it contained. It was just too much.

"It's a fairly secluded clearing nearby that is mostly surrounded by trees, and we used to play there as kids," Derek clarified sheepishly, unable to hide his embarrassment.

"I see," Meredith giggled, her victory against the nylons secured without any runs. She moved on to her skirt and sweater. "Tourism good there?"

"Some years were better than others," Derek responded. He was laughing, and the sight of it was incredibly reassuring to Meredith. It was good to have Mark there to help cheer Derek up in the moments she couldn't.

"Speak for yourself. Tourism was always strong for me," Mark spat back.

"I guess it depends on how you count it," Derek escalated. "If repeat visitors can't be counted, then tourism was relatively low for me. Nothing like the steady stream of one time customers that never came back for Mark."

"Man whoring even then?" Meredith asked.

"It made me the man that I am today," Mark replied.

"And women across the country are sorry," Meredith teased.

"You don't know what you're missing," he laughed.

"And she won't find out, either," Derek insisted as he plopped into the red arm chair and slipped on his black leather shoes.

"I can give you the one hour tour tomorrow," Mark continued.

"Thanks," Meredith responded dismissively as she walked back out into the bedroom, fully dressed.

Derek looked up and watched her come into the room. "You look pretty, Mere," he uttered sweetly, not in a sexy _trying-to-seduce-you_ kind of way, but more of an _I'm-glad-you'll-be-by-my-side-tonight_ reassurance.

Meredith smiled at him and started looking for her shoes in the closet. Derek had unpacked everything after they arrived, and she had no idea where her things were. She eventually located them, and hovered over Derek, waiting for him to vacate the chair so she could sit in it. She certainly wasn't about to go crash on the bed next to Mark.

Derek stood up and went into the bathroom to finish getting ready, and Meredith sank into the red chair, feeling that it was still warm from Derek's body.

Mark motioned to Meredith, getting her attention as soon as Derek stepped out of the room. "Is he okay?" he mouthed as he tipped his head in Derek's direction.

Meredith shrugged and made a face that read "I think so, but I don't know."

Mark nodded somberly, radiating his concern. She sensed that he wanted to talk more, but now clearly wasn't a good time. And she was a bad lip reader anyway.

He sat quietly on the bed for a moment, staring at his hands, and then at his shoes before standing and moving back towards the door. "I'm supposed to tell you guys to be downstairs in…" he paused, looking at his watch. "…about five minutes. Kathy wants us all to try to carpool."

"Fine," Derek answered from the bathroom. Time was running out. Back to reality.

Derek executed a faster version of his grooming ritual and returned to the bedroom to greet Meredith. His hair was well mussed, but his eyes were dark – as if he had just come off a thirty-six hour shift rather than a three hour nap followed by a shower.

"You okay?" Meredith whispered. She stood up and moved towards him protectively.

Derek nodded before hugging her so tightly she gasped. He was practically suffocating her, but she couldn't find the will or oxygen to ask him to stop. He slowly released her and took her hand as his sad eyes stared into hers. "We should go do this," he sighed.

"Yeah," she agreed. She grabbed her purse off the chair and followed him towards the door, bracing herself for what was to come. She could hear the family congregating in the foyer, voices muffled and motions scattered as kids got coats and carpools were determined. It wasn't until they were halfway down the stairs that anyone even noticed they were there.

"Oh, hey guys," Kathy greeted kindly as she looked up at them. "Are you sure you're okay with this Meredith?"

"Wha…?" Meredith started, suddenly confused. _Okay with what? Going to Derek's mom's prayer service? Well, no, but…_

"I didn't get a chance to ask her," Nancy interjected. "They were off hiding together all day."

"Oh," Kathy replied, her face falling in a mix of embarrassment and disappointment.

"What were you going to ask Meredith?" Derek inquired. He was immediately suspicious and skeptical of whatever they were plotting.

"It's nothing, never mind," Kathy dismissed.

Derek turned and looked at Nancy, demanding to know.

"We were going to see if Meredith would mind watching some of the younger ones during the prayer service so we could all be together," Nancy started.

"Oh," Meredith whispered, her head a torrent of conflicting emotions. Watching the kids was a truly terrifying prospect. She never had brothers or sisters at home, and she had no idea how to care for them on her own, but she wanted to be helpful. And more than that, she wanted to be liked by Nancy and Kathy. She bit her lower lip and contemplated her response.

"No," Derek said firmly. "Meredith is _not_ going to be the babysitter. She's going with me tonight," he insisted. His voice was a little shaky from an emotion Meredith couldn't quite pinpoint – a concoction of anger and disappointment mixed with misery perhaps.

"Derek," Meredith started as she tried to diffuse the situation.

"No, Mere," Derek pled, his eyes urgent as he turned towards her. "I want you to be there with me tonight, and to be honest," he said, turning towards Kathy and Nancy, "I'm pissed that you'd even suggest it. Find your own babysitters, but don't ask Meredith."

"Sorry," Kathy murmured. Her eyes shifted towards the floor, unable to meet Derek's, as if she was ashamed for even going along with the idea in the first place and was now being scolded for it.

Nancy said nothing and showed no remorse, making it abundantly clear to Meredith that she would back down only to spare Derek's feelings and not because she was necessarily welcoming Meredith's presence at the family event.

Meredith shifted awkwardly. She didn't want to be the source of more tension between Derek and his sisters, nor did she want to be apart from Derek. She was relieved that Derek had made the decision for her, but she worried that once the funeral was over and Derek's emotional turmoil settled, he'd remember one important fact: Meredith Grey was bad with families. Derek's family was no exception, at least in Meredith's mind.

Meredith followed the crowd of Shepherds as they walked out the front door and dispersed in silence to various vehicles. Derek continued to hold her hand as he walked to their Cadillac with Mark trailing behind them. The sun had set completely and the air was much colder than it had been earlier in the afternoon, making Meredith immediately regret not bringing a coat with her. She shivered instinctively, and Derek looked over at her with concern.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, just cold," she replied as they reached the car. Derek unlocked the doors and opened Meredith's for her.

"I'll crank the heat up," Derek insisted.

Meredith smiled gratefully as he closed her door and walked purposefully to the driver's side. He climbed in and turned on the car before he even closed his own door, blasting Meredith with stale cold air as soon as the ignition started. He slammed his door shut and placed both hands on the steering wheel. He stared ahead blankly as he waited for the air to warm inside the car.

"Are _you_ okay?" Meredith asked, studying his white knuckles and sunken expression.

Derek broke out of his haze and turned towards Meredith, nodding unconvincingly in the process. His dread of the night ahead was slamming into him from all directions, and his body turned rigid.

"Do you want me to drive?" Mark chimed in from the backseat as he observed Derek's shifting mood.

"No," Derek replied hesitantly. "I can do this. Let's go," he insisted. He pulled the car into reverse and backed slowly out of the driveway.

He was completely unprepared for what was ahead, and that realization terrified all three of them.


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note: So, this chapter has taken me a while, and I apologize. 3-D life has been extraordinarily busy, and this chapter? Not one that was easy to write. Or rewrite. Or anything. It will probably be a few days for the next chapter – hopefully sometime over the weekend. But you know what's motivating? Reviews. Reviews are very motivating. They keep writers like me from going on strike… :-)**

"I'll meet you two inside," Mark announced calmly as he reluctantly exited the vehicle. His slouched posture and absence of a smile contrasted sharply with the appearance that Meredith typically saw in Mark Sloan. Cool, confident, flirtatious. Tonight, he was fleeing. The tension in the car was too much for him to endure – too much for any of them really. But the rest of the family had already gone inside, and it was impossible to determine how long it would take Derek to follow.

So far, the car had been parked and turned off for at least five minutes, and the clock was still ticking. There were no signs that Derek would be heading into the funeral home anytime soon, and while Meredith certainly felt a strong obligation to stay with Derek, Mark's commitment was broader than just Derek. He knew Derek's mom. He knew Derek's family. And right now, in this grief stricken state that was taking over all of them, he didn't know Derek particularly well. Not like Meredith did.

Meredith and Derek watched as Mark sprinted up the front steps of the funeral home to catch up with Sarah and the rest of the family that waited inside.

_Tick, tick, tick…_

"Derek," Meredith whispered. She reached across the console and grabbed his right hand, massaging it gently with her fingers. His hands were cold – icy almost, and Meredith wished that the car was still running so at least there would be some heat source. She worked her fingers busily against his skin, tugging and pressing and rubbing to create some sort of friction that could soothe him, but she could already feel her own temperature dipping, and she didn't think that she could provide enough warmth for both of them.

Derek squeezed her hand tightly, crunching her tiny knuckles together and releasing. His eyes were heavy and she could see the tears flooding the lower rims, making the blue of his irises seem much more intense when he finally looked at her. He took a deep breath, clearly trying to keep himself together, but it was an internal battle he couldn't continue to fight much longer. And alone with Meredith, the one person who knew him better than anyone, he wasn't sure he needed to hold back anymore.

"I…I don't want to do this," Derek confessed as he choked back sobs. His normally steady hands trembled in waves that reverberated throughout his whole body. Even in the dim light from nearby streetlamps, Meredith could tell that he was unusually pale.

She bit her lower lip and felt her own tears welling up. It broke her heart to see Derek in so much pain, and she knew there was nothing else she could do to make the next few hours any easier for him. "I know," she finally sighed. "I know."

"I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready to go and see my mom and say…" _goodbye_. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, but the tears broke through and flowed steadily down his cheeks. "Not now. Not yet," he cried.

Meredith unlatched her seatbelt and crawled over the console to be closer to Derek. If she could wrap her arms around him – just hold him for a while – maybe she could keep the pieces together. Maybe she could make the whole situation a little less miserable. Her fingers wove through the fine, dark hairs bridging the nape of his neck, and her other arm hooked around his torso to pull him towards her.

He instinctively buried his head against her shoulder and felt her own long locks of hair cushion his jaw line. He clutched the wool fabric of her gray sweater in his right hand, feeling the fibers between his thumb and index finger as he lost himself in a frenzy of sobs that had been building for hours.

"I just…I need more time," he continued. He futilely wiped at his eyes and nose, but the tears continued to flow relentlessly.

"Take as much as you need," Meredith soothed. She had never seen anyone so wracked with grief, and knowing that it was Derek who was feeling such agony made her insides twist and knot.

"It's too soon…She didn't know…" he mumbled between hitched breaths. He pulled back and looked at her, his eyes wild, frantic, panicked…searching.

Meredith winced in confusion, her mind racing in a million different directions. _What didn't she know? _

"I hadn't told her yet," Derek sobbed. "I should have fucking told her, and I didn't."

"Told her what?" Meredith asked softly. She couldn't imagine what deep dark secret he had been hiding from his mother that had him so overcome with regret.

"That I was happy again," he murmured, pulling away from Meredith and burying his head in his hands. "She was so worried about me…after Addison…and I hadn't told her enough about us…about our future," he wept. He clenched his fists tightly and slammed them into the steering wheel before collapsing against the cold driver's side window. "I'm such a fucking coward," he choked.

Meredith stared in shock, her mouth slightly agape as she floundered for something to say - something other than his name. "Derek…"

"I wanted to wait…until we were engaged. I was going to tell her. I should have done it sooner…"

Meredith clenched her hands together, kneading them tightly and feeling her pulse begin to race. _Should have done what sooner? Tell her? Get engaged?_

"I feel like such a failure," he sobbed. "I just…I…oh, god…" he stammered as he started hyperventilating. His eyes vacillated between being wide open and squeezed shut as he sucked in air and tried to calm himself down.

"Derek, it's okay," she argued gently, grabbing his hands and trying to help calm him. She scanned the contents of the car, but didn't see a paper bag she could give him to breathe into. They hadn't stopped anywhere on the drive from the airport yesterday, and any trash they had was taken into the house already. Sometimes Derek's neat-freak tendencies could be terribly inconvenient. "Derek, look at me," she insisted. "You. Are. Not. A. Failure. Do you hear me? You are _far_ from a failure."

Derek continued crying, but he managed to regulate his breathing, pacing his inhalations and exhalations until they were fairly normal again. His body hunched in the corner of his seat, allowing him to lean simultaneously against the door and the soft, leather upholstery. From Meredith's vantage point, he looked like a cornered, frightened animal, and she wanted desperately to reassure him that he wasn't in danger. He would make it through this.

"I wanted her to meet you, Mere," he whispered. "I wanted her to see how happy you make me…and our wedding…and our kids…and all of that…it's all…it's gone." His voice cracked as he said it. _Gone._

Meredith couldn't begin to fathom that all of this sadness and regret had anything to do with her. But he meant it. He was invested in their relationship in ways that she hadn't fully understood until now, and that realization was completely overwhelming.

"It's not…gone," Meredith whispered. "It's not all gone. Not all of it. Derek…" Tears rippled over Meredith's cheeks as she tried to reassure him. "I'm here, Derek. I'm here and completely in love with you – not in some temporary fleeting way – but in the kind of way that makes it impossible for me to ever leave you. The kind of way that makes me think that I could try to have kids with you someday even though every experience I've ever had screams against it. It's not _all gone_, and…she knows."

"She knows," he echoed skeptically. His attention turned away from the buttons and dials on the dashboard and towards Meredith's tear streaked face. His eyes were desperate and lacked the sparkle she normally saw there. He looked utterly and completely broken.

"She does. She knows. She may not be here – here with you – but in the place where she is, wherever that is, she knows things," Meredith stammered. Her brow was furrowed with concern and her lips were stained cherry red from crying, but her focus was entirely concentrated on Derek.

Derek let his tense shoulders relax slightly. His hand reached into his pocket to pull out a tissue as he mulled over Meredith's words.

Meredith stared down at her watch, trying to get a glimpse of the minute hand in the dim light of the car. _Six-forty? Or is that the second hand? Shit._ She had no more desire to go inside the funeral home than he did, but she didn't want to wait too long. She didn't want people outside of his immediate family there the first time he saw his mom.

He needed time.

"How did you know? You woke up, in the hospital, and you already knew that your mom had died. How did you know?" he asked, breaking the silence as he balled the kleenex in his fist.

"I just…knew," Meredith weakly attempted to explain.

She knew his eyes were concentrated on her. She didn't need to look at him to know. She could feel them boring into her as she avoided the conversation. _We should go. We really need to go. Inside…with your family. They're all in there waiting and wondering where we are._

"I was there when she flatlined," Derek confessed. "I said all sorts of nasty things to her before she died, and then…then I couldn't save her."

Meredith met his gaze with her own glossy-eyed surprise, unable to understand why he was telling her this now. She had never asked about any of the details of what happened in the hospital that day, and to be honest, she hadn't ever wanted to know. She had all the closure she thought that she needed in the moment when she saw her mother. Learning anything more about that day just made her feel guilty about her decision not to swim, and she was trying desperately to move on. She never knew that he felt some modicum of responsibility for her mom dying either through what he said or how he reacted.

But of course he felt responsible. He was Derek. He _wouldn't_ be Derek if he didn't feel responsible for fixing everyone and everything, no matter how great the challenge. And he held onto things, repressing them until they nearly consumed him and he couldn't cope anymore. It came as no surprise that he hadn't been able to talk about that day.

"I saw her…in my near death thing, before I came back. That's how I knew," Meredith divulged awkwardly. She knew that it sounded crazy, but she felt like he needed to hear it.

Derek's head tilted slightly as he stared at her. "You _saw_ her?" he asked incredulously.

Meredith nodded. "It was brief – just a few seconds, really – before I came back. It…helped, I think." She couldn't articulate the feelings she had about that inexplicable moment in time. She certainly knew that she needed months, if not years, of therapy to get over her poor relationship with Ellis Grey, but that moment – the reassurance that she was anything _but_ ordinary – enabled her to put her mother to rest.

Derek stared off towards the porch lights of the funeral home, deep in thought. His expression was solemn, and his eyes were puffy from crying.

"No one is ever ready to say goodbye," Meredith comforted gently. "But it helps, I think. You need to do this."

Derek slowly leaned forward and rested his head against the steering wheel. It was getting late, the prayer service would be starting soon, and his family was waiting for him. They couldn't put it off much longer.

Meredith rubbed her hand against his back, trying to comfort him. She meant what she said – it would be impossible for her to leave him – and she was fairly certain now that he felt the same way about her.

Derek took a deep breath and reached for the handle on the door, opening it slowly as he found the necessary energy to move. Meredith quickly followed and met Derek on the damp pavement that led towards the entrance. He took her hand in his and looked at her sadly. Her hair was a little disheveled and her face was splotchy from crying.

"We must look like such a mess right now," he commented as he delicately wiped at the damp spots on her sweater where he had been crying. At this point, he couldn't be sure how much of it was caused by his tears or by hers.

"I think it's allowed," Meredith responded.

Derek nodded and dragged himself up the front steps and through the main entrance.

The funeral home was decorated in an array of soft pastels, and a piano recording of gospel songs twinkled in the background. There was something very sterile about the room – not like a hospital, but in a way that tried too hard to sanitize the death and despair that sustained the home's business. Kleenex boxes were neatly arranged on every table, and smaller garbage baskets sat inconspicuously nearby, making the grief almost convenient. A black sign with small white capital stick-on letters announced "Prayer Service: Barbara Shepherd - 7:00 P.M.," and an arrow pointed in the direction of the room. Meredith could hear the family speaking in muffled tones, and she followed Derek as he inched in that direction, unable to let go of her hand.

Mark was the first to notice as Meredith and Derek stepped into the room, and he met Meredith's eyes with concern as he watched her and Derek enter. She could tell he had been crying also, though he seemed much better at concealing it than the rest of the Shepherd family.

Meredith nodded subtly, understanding his subliminal question. _Yes, he's a wreck, but he's here._

Mark nodded back. _We'll talk more later_.

Will and Anna knelt in front of the cherry-toned wooden casket, obscuring the view of Derek's mother as they prayed. The family had already spent twenty minutes alone with the body, consoling each other and mourning the loss of their mother or grandmother and probably wondering why Derek continued to be absent. Kathy sat in the front row of chairs with her husband, Steve, and their four children nearby, while Nancy did the same with her family. Sarah sat off to the side on a couch with Regan on her lap and tissues in hand.

"When will she wake up, mommy?" Regan asked softly.

Meredith's heart sunk.

"Oh, baby," Sarah sighed. "I know, she looks like she's sleeping, honey, but it's a different kind of sleep. Grandma's not going to wake up," they heard her explain softly.

Regan scrunched up her face, suddenly concerned.

Derek stared at the thick rose-colored carpeting that blanketed the floor. It was possible, in this moment of hearing Sarah explain things to his niece, that he was relieved not to have any kids of his own.

Anna and Will stood up slowly from the kneeler and backed away from the casket. For the first time, Meredith was able to see the woman that had raised Derek, and she felt her chest tighten in response. Barbara was a complete stranger to her – a woman that she could have bumped into on the street many times without noticing – and yet, she was a woman to whom Meredith owed so much.

Derek began trembling again as he led Meredith up towards the coffin, gripping her hand fiercely as though she was his only source of stability through each labored step. He couldn't let go, and he couldn't say goodbye on his own. He needed her beside him every painstaking step of the way.

Meredith knelt beside Derek on the padded wooden bench before the casket, breathing in the heavy floral scent of the arrangement of roses that lay on top of his mother's container. She hadn't seen any recent photos of this woman, but she could easily see pieces of Derek in her delicate features. Her hair was a mix of dark gray and silver, and it seemed to curl naturally around her face, much like Derek's did when he went a few weeks without getting it cut. Her eyes were crinkled slightly in the corners, reflecting a sort of resolved strength that masked a deeper sadness below the surface. Even amidst the makeup and careful positioning of her body, Meredith sensed the similarities between Derek and his mother, and she knew the connection ran far beyond the surface features.

Meredith watched as Derek made the sign of the cross and folded his hands together. His eyelashes were damp from crying, and they clumped together into small triangles as he closed his eyes. He rested his forehead against his hands, lost in prayer. Meredith took a deep breath and folded her own hands together, deciding to follow as she studied the stranger in the navy blue suit before her.

_I know we haven't ever met_, she thought tentatively. _I'm new to this whole prayer thing, and while I'm probably supposed to be praying to some higher power to take care of you, I feel like I should be talking to you. I mean, you're the one here. Well, not here, but…your body is here, and I hope you can hear me, wherever you are. But not over Derek – don't hear me over him because I'm sure that whatever he is saying right now is much more important…_ She paused and looked over at Derek to confirm that he was still praying beside her.

He was there, sagging against the kneeler as he continued praying. His normally perfect posture had been abandoned for a melancholy slouch.

Meredith closed her eyes, focusing on exactly what she wanted to say. _I think we probably had a lot in common. We both love your son, a lot, and I'm sorry we didn't get to tell you that before. He's…he's an amazing person, and I'm sure that you have something to do with that. _

_I never really had a mom. Well, I had a mom, but we didn't have a very good relationship – not like the one that I think you must've had with Derek. He really misses you, and I'm trying to make him feel better, but it's hard. But I'll try, you know? I'll try to make him happy and be there for him no matter what. I know I'm not perfect – far from it – but I think we're good for each other. And I wanted to thank you for being his mom. Whatever you did to make him who he is today…well, thanks. _

Meredith opened her eyes just as Derek straightened his posture and unclasped his hands. His expression was still anguished, and he let out an audible sigh as he pushed down on the bench to leverage his weight into a standing position. She stood beside him and felt as he slipped his hand back around hers and started pulling her away from the viewing area. He refused to make eye contact with anyone, and she wasn't sure how he was handling the vision of his mother's body.

Meredith stopped walking as they met the row of chairs where Mark was sitting, but Derek continued walking forward in an almost zombie-like state. He wasn't joining his family. He was going elsewhere. Meredith shrugged uncomfortably towards Mark as she continued following Derek. She thought that once he had seen the body and accepted that his mother was gone and there was nothing more to be done, that maybe – maybe then, he would lean on his family more and grieve with them. Now, she wasn't so sure. All she knew was that she needed to stay beside him. She didn't know what to do or say or how to make him feel better, but she knew that if he needed rescuing, she had to be there.

Anna, Nancy, Kathy, Mark, and Sarah all exchanged glances and followed the couple curiously with their eyes as Derek lured Meredith away from them. It was becoming abundantly clear to everyone that Derek had meant it when he said that he needed Meredith to be there with him. Even with her by his side, he was barely functioning. His reaction if she had stayed home was unthinkable.

Derek sunk into the cushions of a peach-colored loveseat in the back corner of the room and pulled Meredith down with him.

"Derek, are you…?" Meredith asked as she moved closer to him, eliminating any gap between them on the cushions of the seat.

"Oh, god, Mere…Oh, god…" he mumbled. His voice quavered with emotion as another onslaught of tears came rushing forward. "She's gone…She's really…"

Meredith watched as Derek's sisters turned away, one-by-one, and began crying. She wasn't sure what was affecting them more – the reality of their mother's passing or the sight of their only brother breaking down.

"What can I do, Derek?" Meredith whispered frantically. "What can I do to help you? How can I make it hurt a little less? Just tell me…I'll do anything," she begged. She couldn't handle watching him like this anymore, and she didn't think that she was doing enough to help him.

Derek leaned against her, wrapping his arms around her small torso. He clung fiercely to her, causing her to struggle slightly to breathe, and his shoulders trembled as he wept into her hair. The sounds of his grief were inescapable no matter how much he tried to muffle them with Meredith's body, and each whimper felt like a scalpel twisting into her side without any anesthesia.

She needed anesthesia. Or painkillers. Or both. Badly.

Meredith slid her hand back and forth along Derek's spine, feeling each vertebra beneath his soft sweater and uneven breaths. "I'm so sorry," she whispered over and over again.

He couldn't speak, even if he wanted to. His words were lost in a mass of burbled sobs and tense sputters. He just needed to let go for a while, and finally seeing his mother's lifeless body was exactly the trigger he needed to allow himself to unravel.

Mark stood up and walked towards them, understanding perfectly that this was too much for Meredith to handle alone. It would have been too much for any of them to endure.

"Derek, do you want me to ask the priest to delay the prayer service a little longer?" he asked carefully as he crouched in front of them. His own eyes were misty and exhibited more concern than Meredith had ever seen from him.

Derek shook his head "no." It was clear to both of them that he didn't want to prolong this any more than necessary, and he needed some excuse to try to pull himself back together again. His breathing gradually steadied and his sobs tapered off as he calmed down.

Meredith continued holding him. Her rib cage ached from being held so tightly, but she wasn't about to squirm away. Not before he was ready. She leaned back a little so she could see his face pressed against her, and she dragged her thumb under his eyes, delicately wiping away the tears that pooled there.

Derek released Meredith and grabbed a nearby tissue to clean himself up as much as possible. The priest hovered near the front of the room for the prayer service, and they could hear a few other people talking in hushed tones in the foyer.

"Derek," she spoke softly as she felt her lungs inflate fully for the first time in several minutes. "Are you sure?"

He looked at her expectantly and nodded. "I'll be okay," he assured her. "Thanks."

Meredith smiled sadly and agreed. "Okay."

"I think I ruined your sweater," he sighed as he looked at the tear stains that marked both shoulders now.

"It's okay. You can buy me a new one," Meredith joked sweetly. She squeezed his hand reassuringly and shrugged.

"I definitely will," he smiled weakly.

"Will you be okay if I go clean myself up a little, though? I'll come right back," she requested.

"Of course," he replied, backing away so she could stand up.

She kissed him softly on the cheek and walked through a nearby archway, searching for a restroom somewhere along the hall. She didn't even realize that Mark was following her.

"Grey," he called quietly, grabbing her attention.

She stopped and spun around to face him, a little startled.

"How bad is he?" Mark asked urgently. "I mean, that was bad…but, in the car…you guys were out there for a while, and I got the sense that he was cracking then."

Meredith sighed, unsure even of what to say. "Yeah," she confirmed. "He's talking some now. That's good, I guess."

"He's talking?" Mark repeated, surprised. "About Mom?"

"Yeah. He's a mess, but he's finally starting to open up," she continued.

Mark nodded, still slightly shocked.

"When his dad died, he didn't talk. He didn't cry. He didn't do anything really. He was just…there, I guess," Mark explained. "He's not the kind of guy who opens up easily, you know?"

Meredith shrugged. She could see how Derek wouldn't want to let his guard down with his family or let them see him cry for no reason. But this was different. Of course he was crying. His mom died. And this was a guy who could get teary-eyed after a tender moment or a tough surgery. Maybe he doesn't usually crack like this, but she had certainly seen him cry a little before.

"You've changed him," Mark asserted. "In all of the time I've ever known Derek, I've only seen him really cry twice, and both of those times involved you."

Meredith crinkled her eyes and stared at him, completely baffled, incapable of comprehending what he was trying to say.

"He cried the day of your accident, and he cried with you today," Mark elaborated.

"Come on," Meredith argued, certain there was more.

Mark shook his head. "We've never seen him cry – not really. Not like this. Even when his dad died, he was in shock more than anything. He was upset, but he never broke, not in front of any of us."

Meredith fought with words, trying to find something to say. She couldn't believe that Derek was capable of holding back so much for so long.

"You've…You've changed him."

Meredith broke away from Mark's gaze. She couldn't handle the information he was sharing about Derek Shepherd's psyche. She couldn't believe that she had such an impact on Derek.

Denny's voice echoed in her brain. _Do you know what kind of a miracle it is that Derek is who he is? Do you know how rare it is that someone like that even exists? He's still an optimist. He still believes in true love and magic and soul mates. He's waiting for you and if you don't come back from this, you will change who he is._

Apparently she was destined to change him either way.

"It's for the better, I think," he added. "So thank you…Thanks for being here. None of us have ever been able to get through to him like that. And we've all tried."

Meredith nodded and watched as he turned around and retreated to the room with the rest of the family. She slowly followed and watched quietly from the back of the room. Derek had filed into a seat next to Kathy and joined the quiet chorus of prayer being offered for their mother. Despite all of the chaos and tension and arguing since they arrived in Connecticut, the Shepherd family was united and bound together in this moment by a force stronger than Meredith had ever experienced. Their voices were synced and their hands linked together, tying one family member to the next. She didn't know the prayers they were reciting, but she knew that she wanted to be a part of it.

She slid through the aisle to the vacant seat Derek reserved for her beside him and slipped her hand into his, completely forgetting the reason she had slipped away in the first place. He looked down at her with sad, tired eyes as he continued voicing the Lord's Prayer. He squeezed her hand three times as she gazed warmly at him. _I love you._

For the first time she could remember, she knew exactly the right words to say. _I love you, too, _she signaled back.


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's Note: Well, the bad news is that it seems to be taking me twice as long to turn out updates. Sorry about that. I'm working as fast as I can - really. And the reviews definitely encourage me to speed up that process. But the good news (I think it's good anyway) is that these chapters are getting a lot longer - two or three times as long as some of the earlier chapters. I'm not sure why that is. If I'm saying too much - if it's getting boring - just say so. I'm really getting caught up in this fic and it's easy to lose touch with what's good and what's rubbish after a while...But thanks for continuing to read:-)**

**-------------------------**

Meredith sat in the backseat of the Cadillac, her head propped wearily against the plush seats. She was a little relieved to have so much room to sprawl out and be more or less alone. After the scenes at the funeral home, she wanted a few moments to recover, and when Mark offered to drive the car home, she was happy to hand over the passenger seat to Derek and take the backseat to her self. Even if it wasn't a long drive home, it was still time to herself, blanketed under the cloak of darkness. She couldn't see Derek's expression and temporarily didn't feel guilty that she wasn't able to do more. Once they returned to the house, she was certain that she would be back on high alert, ready to help him any way she could.

But for now, she needed a break.

And she needed food.

"Are you warm enough back there, Mere?" Derek asked as he turned in his seat. His profile had a ghoulish glow from the lights on the dashboard, but his expression was sweet and caring.

"Um, I'm good," Meredith responded. "But…uh…food. We haven't eaten since breakfast, and…"

"Oh, shit," Derek replied, a little shocked. "You're right," he nodded. "I'm sorry – I just didn't even think about it."

"There are lots of leftovers," Mark interjected. "And you should probably get something in your system before the drinking starts."

"Drinking?" Meredith asked. The night was sounding better already.

"Yeah, Nancy and Kathy are planning to clear out their liquor cabinets and bring over some stuff for us since Mom didn't have anything in the house already," Mark explained.

Derek laughed softly and tilted his head back against his chair.

"What's so funny?" Mark inquired as they turned into the subdivision.

"Oh, nothing…" Derek sighed.

Mark looked over at him, eyebrows raised in an I-don't-buy-it kind of way.

"It's just…I tried to buy alcohol today and forgot that it was Sunday," Derek explained sheepishly. "I think I scared the cashier a little when he told me no."

Meredith scooted forward in her seat and rested her head on the back of Derek's chair. "What did you do?" she asked curiously as she peered over his shoulder.

"Well, I made an ass of myself. That's for sure," Derek replied.

"Certainly not the first time," Mark added.

"Probably not the last, either," Derek concluded. "I tried to bribe the kid, and then I had a bit of a tantrum when he wouldn't sell it. Not a high point in my CVS shopping excursions."

"It's a stupid law," Meredith insisted. She squeezed Derek's shoulder, running her thumb up along the tense tissue at the base of his neck. If his conversation with her before he drove off was any indication of his mood at the time, the CVS cashier had probably gotten much more than he deserved.

Her body swayed and brushed against the door of the car as Mark made the last few turns through the subdivision and came to the house. They were the first to arrive, and Meredith was glad to have a few more minutes of reprieve before everyone else showed up. She was starting to feel more comfortable – at least as far as Sarah and Anna were concerned – but it was a lot of pressure to stay on her guard and avoid sounding like an idiot around his family. She was still trying to make a good impression on them, and with all of the other family drama, the demands were intense.

The house was dark and still as they entered, but Derek's hand swiftly moved along the wall, flicking the switch that flooded the foyer with light. It was a familiar place to him, and he knew all of the ins and outs that seemed so foreign to Meredith.

"You guys should go hang out. I'll fix you some food," Mark instructed as he brushed past them towards the kitchen.

"Are you sure?" Derek asked, surprised by the gesture. Mark wasn't usually anxious to head to the kitchen for anything other than feeding himself.

"I can handle the microwave. And you guys look exhausted," he replied. "Take a load off."

Derek smiled weakly and continued turning on lights, illuminating the path towards the living room as Meredith followed behind him. She could tell by his slouched posture and dragging feet that he was exhausted physically as well as emotionally. While the crying had dissipated considerably since his breakdown at the funeral home, he still languished with a general malaise. But he was trying, and he occasionally flashed pained smiles in Meredith's direction, letting her know that he was happy she was there.

They collapsed onto the couch together. Derek sat in the corner, supported by the plush arm of the camel-colored furniture while Meredith sank against him. She drew her legs up onto the couch beside her as she relaxed against him. He wrapped his left arm around her, fiddling gently with her long strands of hair while she draped an arm across his lap to hold him close. She could smell the woodsy crisp scent of his aftershave and deodorant, and she drank it in, letting it fill her nostrils as she nuzzled closer to him. His body was warm and comfortable, like a soft blanket she could wrap herself up in, and she savored having just the two of them together without interruption or distraction.

"Are you okay?" Derek whispered as he continued stroking the silky strands of hair cascading her shoulders.

"Perfect," Meredith replied. Her eyes sank shut and she briefly considered falling asleep. _So warm, so comfortable._

"Good," he murmured softly before kissing the top of her head. His hand slid down from her hair and drifted towards her hip.

"You?" she asked as she opened her eyes. The hunger pangs made it clear that she couldn't possibly doze off.

"I'm…hanging in there," he sighed. He lifted his other arm off the couch and used it to rub his forehead, massaging the tension that had built up around his brow.

Meredith sat up a little and looked at him carefully, diagnosing his emotional state. _Fragile, but momentarily stable._

"Tonight was hard," he continued.

Meredith nodded supportively.

"But it's over. And well, two more days," he grumbled sadly. Two more days of funeral homes and saying goodbye to his mother. Then it would be done. Then he could start putting things back together.

"Two more days," she echoed.

"Yeah," he whispered back. "Two more days and I can properly thank you for being here for me when I've been a total pain in the ass." He kissed her head again, feathering her hairline with his soft lips and warm breath.

"You have not been a pain in the ass. Not really…well…okay…maybe a little, but I'm not holding it against you this week," Meredith commented.

"Good," he answered, drawing her closer so that no space existed between them.

"How are you going to 'properly thank' me?" Meredith asked, her eyebrows arched with wonder.

"I haven't decided yet, but we'll do something. Spend some time together or take a day trip or something. I know you don't love being here," he acknowledged.

Meredith tensed up a little. She'd been trying to cover up her disdain for being in unfamiliar territory, but he knew her too well. "Derek, it's not…"

"It's okay, Mere. I'm sure it's a little overwhelming meeting everyone all at once. Believe me – these aren't the circumstances I would have preferred introducing you in. But you've been trying, and I appreciate it. Really, I do." He tilted her head up towards his and kissed her mouth softly, silencing any protestations or denials she could have lobbed back at him.

"Okay, stop showing off. I get that you're the sweet sensitive guy who will probably get laid tonight," Mark interrupted as he carried in a couple plates of food for Meredith and Derek. "You don't have to constantly rub it in my face." A lop-sided grin stretched across his face as he watched Meredith practically scurry away from Derek like a teenager trying to avoid getting caught by parents. Even Derek quarked a slight smile at her reaction.

Any embarrassment Meredith felt over getting caught canoodling was immediately gone the moment she set eyes on food. She hadn't realized just how hungry she was until she saw Mark dangling a steaming plate of roasted pork tenderloin and garlic mashed potatoes in front of her. Will had cooked dinner again tonight, and she was salivating at the smell of the reheated leftovers.

Mark passed the plates to Meredith and Derek before easing into an oversized arm chair and kicking his feet onto an ottoman. He looked incredibly relaxed and at home, and the sight of it seemed foreign to Meredith. She never sensed that Mark Sloan was the kind of guy who had a particular home. She always imagined him wandering from place to place like he wandered from woman to woman. But here, with Derek's family at Derek's mom's house, she realized how much more she had to learn about her boyfriend's best friend.

Car doors slammed and a series of voices carried their way into the house. Anna, Will, and Sarah arrived with their small army of children, and Meredith smiled nervously as she heard the shuffle of coats and shoes in the foyer. They were back, and she would have to return to being on her best behavior.

"Yes, you need to get some sleep, dear," Sarah argued with Regan while prodding her towards the stairs. It sounded like she was struggling to manage Regan and her twin boys on her own, and Mark dutifully resumed the caretaker role, getting back up to assist her. The scuffle of voices and footsteps moved upstairs, and everyone seemed to be helping the kids to bed, temporarily leaving Meredith and Derek alone again in the living room.

"I didn't even realize that I was hungry until now," Derek mused between bites as he held the plate in his lap and mopped up the mashed potatoes with a piece of meat.

"Don't worry. I'll be good at reminding you that we need food if you forget," she teased as she tried to stop herself from completely devouring her food. _Pace yourself, Mere. Pacing is good._

He smiled at her and continued eating, enjoying the momentary silence.

"How long do you think it will take them to get the kids to bed?" Meredith asked curiously.

"It depends. They all looked pretty tired, so not long, I suspect. It will just depend on whether or not Anna has to feed Zach, I guess," Derek sighed. He looked at her suspiciously, like he as trying to deduce her motives for asking, but he didn't follow up with any questions of his own.

Meredith simply nodded and continued lifting forkfuls of food to her lips in a rhythmic progression. "You look pretty tired yourself," she commented as she noticed the dark circles shading Derek's lids and the worn expression on his face.

"I am," he sighed. He inhaled deeply between bites of food as if he was trying to decide whether to continue eating or to give it up for the night. He plowed on. He knew he needed something to sustain his energy the next couple of days.

"Do you want to go to bed soon?" Meredith inquired timidly. She didn't want her voice to suggest that she was leaning one way or another on the question. It would be his decision.

"I do, but I should probably stay up for a while and visit with my sisters. I'm starting to feel guilty for ignoring them," he admitted. He set his virtually empty plate on the coffee table and leaned into the arm of the couch again, sinking a little lower in his seat so he could rest his tired head easily against a propped arm.

Meredith finished eating and placed her plate beside Derek's. "Come here," she whispered from her corner of the couch. She placed a pillow on her lap and motioned for Derek to rest his head against it.

Derek smiled weakly at her and kicked off his shoes, leaving two splotches of black leather to contrast sharply with the cream-colored rug beneath the table. He stretched out across the couch, leaning towards Meredith, and rested his head in her lap. He was looking up at her warmly, and within seconds he scooted his muscular body even closer, allowing him to lean his head against her abdomen and feel her stomach rise and fall against him with each breath.

Meredith began twisting and teasing his hair gently, allowing her fingers to slide between the strands and graze his scalp. She loved toying with his hair and watching it shift and move but never look out of place. Even when he woke up in the mornings and had hair spiked in every conceivable direction, there was still something oddly perfect about his look.

Derek emitted a small, barely audible sigh as Meredith's fingers shifted from playing with his hair to massaging his temples. He closed his eyes and smiled softly.

"On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?" Meredith asked as she continued dancing circles with her fingers near the corners of his eyes.

"About a seven," he grumbled.

"Hmmm," Meredith moaned thoughtfully. "All things considered, I guess that's not so bad," she mused.

"No, I guess not," he echoed as she continued rubbing the tension out of his forehead. His eyes remained closed and his breathing gradually slowed, the telltale signs that he was falling asleep.

Meredith watched him carefully, basking in the peaceful expression on his face. She was happy to see that he had recovered from earlier in the evening, and even if he didn't want to go to bed just yet, she knew that he could benefit from a small nap. The day had taken a heavy toll on him, and she could read between his protestations of being fine that he was too exhausted to continue. Sleep would be good, even if it was temporary.

The front door opened again and Meredith heard Nancy and Kathy enter the house, but Derek didn't stir. Their movements proceeded to the kitchen where it sounded like some glasses clanked against the granite countertops, and then a set of footsteps wandered towards the living room. Meredith watched expectantly as Kathy came to the doorway and stopped suddenly.

A surprised expression glazed the oldest sister's face as she took in the sight of Meredith and Derek lounging together so intimately on the couch, but her surprise soon melted into a smile as she watched Meredith continue to run her fingers lovingly through Derek's hair. Her tensed shoulders relaxed, and she walked quietly into the room and sat across from her brother and his girlfriend.

"Is he doing okay?" Kathy whispered as she continued to watch her younger brother sleep.

Meredith shrugged a little and nodded. "I think so," Meredith whispered back.

Kathy met Meredith's gaze, her eyes sad and concerned. "You know," she voiced quietly, "I hope you weren't offended about the babysitting thing earlier."

Meredith took a deep breath, feeling the oxygen course through her body and help her refocus before answering. "It's okay," she mumbled awkwardly.

"I'm glad you were there tonight. For him. He really needed you, I think," Kathy admitted.

Meredith smiled weakly, still disbelieving that she was having such an impact on him. "I don't even know what to do for him. I've…I've never seen him like this before," she confessed softly.

"None of us have seen him like this either. Trust me," Kathy insisted. "But sometimes just the being there helps," she continued, nodding towards Meredith's gentle caresses along Derek's hairline. "You know what to do."

"Maybe," Meredith murmured.

Kathy stood back up and grabbed the dirty plates from the coffee table. "Do you want us to let him sleep for a while? We can get drinks in another room," Kathy offered.

"I don't know. I think he wanted to be awake when you got here. I'll see what he wants," Meredith replied before turning her attention back towards Derek. "Derek," she called softly as she rubbed her hand across his chest. "Derek…"

"Mmmm…" he mumbled.

"Derek, your sisters are here. Do you want to get up or do you want to go to bed?"

His eyelids fluttered open, blinking away the light. His blue eyes focused intently on Meredith's face before shifting to scan the rest of the room, as if he was trying to remember exactly where he was. He slowly sat up as he recognized the space, groaning with each tired movement.

"I'm up," he announced as much to himself as to the others in the room.

Kathy smiled, happy to see her brother become more alert. "Does that mean that you're drinking with us?"

"Sure," he grinned, turning towards her voice. "Why not."

"Scotch?" she asked.

Derek nodded, happy to hear that as an option.

"And what about you, Meredith? What's your drink of choice?" she inquired.

"Do you have any tequila?" Meredith responded timidly.

"Yeah, but I don't know if we have any mixers. I'll have to check with Kathy…"

"She's fine without," Derek interrupted. "She can drink it straight of the bottle."

Kathy arched her eyebrows at them, clearly conveying curiosity over how often Derek had witnessed this phenomenon while Meredith slinked into the couch, not particularly proud of her proclivities at the moment.

"Well…" Kathy started. "Okay then." She turned away from the couple and returned to the kitchen to join her other sister and make drinks.

"Thanks for making me sound like a lush," Meredith whispered defensively as soon as Kathy was well out of earshot.

"You kinda are one," Derek teased.

Meredith smacked him playfully before letting him envelop her in a loving hug. He kissed the top of her head before releasing her back. His mood was much less somber than earlier, and she was relieved to see him awake and mischievous.

Mark, Sarah, and Will filed into the living room, each seeming a bit more drained than they were before they went upstairs. Apparently the battle of getting the children to sleep had been hard fought, but the adults were victorious. Only Anna was left to emerge from the battlefield, and Will suggested that she'd be down in a few minutes.

Derek slid closer to Meredith, making more room on the couch for Sarah to sit next to him while Mark and Will rested on a neighboring couch.

"Booze here yet?" Sarah asked anxiously.

"Nance and Kath are in the kitchen," Derek nodded.

Sarah sprang back up from the couch to help them, taking requests along the way. Apparently the urge to drink was fairly contagious tonight.

Within a few minutes, the three sisters returned from the kitchen. Nancy carried a tray full of drinks while Sarah and Kathy toted a couple bottles for convenient refills.

"God, when was the last time we did this?" Nancy asked as she finished distributing the alcohol and sat in the chair.

The crowd sat thoughtfully for a couple moments before Derek piped up. "It was a few Christmases ago, I think."

"The one where Addison tried to help in the kitchen and ended up burning the turkey," Kathy quickly added. "She thought that if she turned the oven up to 450, we could eat sooner."

They all laughed at the memory – everyone but Meredith who only smiled meekly and sipped her tequila the way Derek sipped his scotch.

"Mom was furious," Sarah quickly added.

"Mom?! I was the one who had labored all morning to stuff the damn bird," Will continued. "I should have known better than to let her into the kitchen."

"Addison tried so hard to insist that it was still edible," Mark remembered. "She kept saying how well it complemented the gravy and shit, but it was like eating bark," he laughed.

Derek smiled and looked over at Meredith, trying to determine how uncomfortable she was at the mention of his ex-wife. She smiled back at him, but he could tell that she felt left out. He squeezed her hand gently and disengaged himself from the conversation a bit while he waited for it to turn towards a new topic.

Sarah noticed his shift and quickly aided in steering the conversation. "Do you all remember the pajama rule?"

"Oh, god," Derek mumbled as he started laughing.

"The pajama rule?" Will asked curiously.

"That was before your time," Nancy explained. "Mom had this thing about wanting all of us to open presents in our pajamas just like we did when we were kids. And she would go to such extremes about enforcing it. One year, Derek wore sweatpants and a tee shirt downstairs and she sent him back up to change, claiming that it wasn't pajama-y enough. I swear, it was like she expected you to wear a little onesie or something."

"I was a grown man," Derek elaborated, turning his attention towards Meredith. "I must have been – what, 24? – and I was so pissed that she sent me back upstairs like I was seven."

"So you guys always had to wear your pajamas downstairs on Christmas morning?" Meredith asked, curious about the Shepherd family traditions.

"Well, every year until the naughty Santa year," Mark replied.

"Naughty Santa?" Meredith asked amidst a wave of giggles.

"Derek may or may not have purchased Christmas-themed lingerie for anyone in the family brave enough to wear it downstairs on Christmas morning," he laughed.

"Which we all were – all of the kids were still asleep, so we knew it wouldn't scar them for life, and we needed to take a stand," Kathy remembered.

"I like pajamas, but I wasn't going to be told which ones to wear. I was still pissed," Derek defended himself.

"The look on mom's face that morning was priceless," Sarah added. "It was one of the few times we managed to render her speechless. She just started pointing towards the stairs, encouraging us to go back up and change."

"She didn't say a word when we all came back downstairs fully dressed," Derek concluded.

Meredith smiled, imagining the siblings banding together in rebellion. She supposed they would be quite the force when they allied on something.

"You know, I always thought that Dad would have gotten a big kick out of that," Kathy mused softly. "He had such a great sense of humor and sharp wit. Sometimes you remind me of him, Derek." She smiled at him warmly and reassuringly.

Derek smiled and nodded back without tensing up as he often did at the mention of his father. "Yeah," he sighed, "I wish he could have seen that." His voice was wistful, and he stared into the honey-colored scotch swirling around in the glass he cupped in his hands.

Kathy shifted awkwardly in her seat, nervous that she had pushed too far and said something that Derek wasn't ready to hear, but much to everyone's surprise, Derek continued.

"I've always wondered how things might have been different if he'd been around," he voiced carefully, as if it was a line he had rehearsed mentally hundreds of times but never said aloud. His face was serious, but not panicked or upset. He was determined to talk.

"I'm sure everything would have been different," Kathy suggested. "But it happened…for a reason. For better or worse, we are who we are today because of it all," she concluded. Her eyes were a little teary, but she seemed to be holding back the flow as she danced on egg shells with Derek.

Meredith bit her lower lip awkwardly, rolling her teeth over her lip repeatedly as she considered what was happening around her. She knew that he hadn't talked about this before – not with them, not with her – and she wasn't sure she understood what was prompting these confessions or what the repercussions would be later. Derek had repressed so much for so long, she wasn't sure what he was ready to let go.

"I've always thought," Derek started before clearing his throat. "I've always thought that he knew…that day…His headache was so bad but he insisted that we go fishing anyway because he had promised us," he choked.

Derek's sisters each stared at him, wide-eyed with disbelief as he started opening up to them about the topic for the first time in nearly thirty years. They'd always wondered what he thought about it, but none of them ever had the nerve to ask. They didn't think they'd ever get any answers anyway. But today, this was different.

"Why do you think he knew?" Nancy asked carefully, her hands fidgeting in her lap as she waited for his reply.

Derek took a deep breath and dropped his head towards the floor, unable to meet anyone's gaze directly. The color in his face was draining away slowly, leaving him pale and ghostly. "He talked that day…about things that he never talked about…how he was proud…" Derek's voice cracked a little as he fought back tears. He inhaled again and tried to steady himself before continuing. "He said that he was proud of us and told me to take care of you guys – that I was the man of the house if he wasn't there," he whispered. Derek's expression was solemn as he continued to study the whorls of carpet fiber on the floor. "It was like he was saying goodbye."

"Dad always worried about taking care of everyone else," Kathy added, a single tear pooling down her cheek. "He always put everyone else first and didn't take good enough care of himself."

Meredith set her glass of tequila down on the table and began fidgeting with her sweater. She didn't know if she should be here for this conversation, but she felt like Derek was revealing more information about his past than he had divulged in over a year of being with him. She definitely saw him as the kind of person who put everyone else first. It explained why he had such a hard time breaking down and sharing how he felt, especially if he thought that someone else could be suffering more. It was interesting for her to discover that his father had been the same way.

"You are a lot like Dad," Nancy commented quietly. "But how are _you _doing?"

The sisters looked at Derek expectantly, hoping for an answer.

Derek looked up at them before turning his gaze towards Meredith. His eyes were filled with so many conflicting emotions – pain, love, sadness, optimism – it was too much for him to sort out and convey to anyone else. He couldn't possibly explain the spectrum of emotion that he had been through in the past 48 hours, and he didn't even want to try.

"I'm fine," he sighed.

Meredith looked at him skeptically, sending him a secret, silent message that revealed that "fine" was a code word for awful. It was _her_ code word. Even when her world was falling apart, she was _fine_. He couldn't be fine, too.

Derek met her gaze guiltily, and then stammered for more clarification. "I'm obviously upset about Mom, but before that, things were…good. Great…with work, Seattle, Meredith…" he turned back and faced her, his expression filled with a sort of melancholy longing.

Meredith tensed a little. She remembered how good it had been with the apartment, work, and the engagement. She hoped that all of that would still be there when they returned.

"Sarah tells us that you moved out of the trailer and into an apartment together," Nancy remarked.

"That's true," Derek replied confidently. It was a decision that brought him closer to Meredith and one he couldn't possibly regret.

"So you two are serious?" Nancy prodded.

"Very," Derek responded. His eyes transformed into a steely blue color that told Nancy to tread carefully in how she asked her questions.

Nancy backed off and simply nodded, choosing instead to reach for the bottle of scotch to refill her glass.

"Well, I think it's fantastic that you two are together," Sarah interjected. "You clearly make my brother very happy," she added, staring directly at Meredith.

"Thanks," Meredith whispered back. "I try," she voiced shyly as Derek squeezed her hand yet again. She was surviving the conversation. Not really adding to it or feeling like a part of the family by any means, but she was surviving and not running. That was something, she supposed.

"She definitely makes me happy," Derek confirmed, letting his smile meet his sad, tired eyes as he said it. His expression boosted Meredith's confidence in a way that she desperately needed, and she felt herself relax a little. Even in the lion's den, he was going out of his way to protect her. Maybe he wouldn't balk at her lack of family-friendliness after all.

"Do you ever wonder why Mom never moved on?" Nancy asked, shifting the conversation back to their parents. "After Dad died, I think she dated a few times – especially when we were older, but she never moved on."

"I don't think she could," Mark speculated.

They turned and looked at him, waiting to see if he'd say more. When he didn't elaborate, Kathy jumped in. "It's true. She was the kind of person that believed in soul mates. She could maybe find people to be good companions, but she knew she'd never find anyone that she'd love as much as she loved Dad. When he was gone, it was like she gave up on being able to love that way again."

Meredith stared at Derek, piecing together the various bits of information being revealed to her. She was beginning to understand how influential his parents truly were and how much his personality had been shaped by each. He was so protective and giving and committed. She was certain that came from his parents and the love they shared between themselves and their children.

"Well, it's not like you can just replace the love of your life," Derek commented. "Maybe Mom knew that she didn't even need to bother trying. Dad was it, and she just needed to find a way to go on without him. We all did."

Meredith's heart began to flutter quietly as she contemplated his comments. She wondered if that's what he would have done if she had drowned. Would he have given up on finding someone else and been miserable the rest of his life? The possibility made her shudder. It was a guilt she didn't ever want to possess.

The conversation moved on to different topics for the next hour, leaving Meredith as a cautious bystander as the siblings reminisced. There was a sort of impenetrable camaraderie amongst them, and while they had clearly let Mark and Will into their inner circle, it wasn't clear if anyone besides Derek, Mark, and possibly Sarah was extending her an invitation to join in.

As the time ambled towards midnight, the conversation started to wane. Will went upstairs to check on Anna, who everyone suspected had fallen asleep herself while putting Zach down, and Derek subtly signaled to Meredith that he was ready to go to bed. Everyone was exhausted, and inertia was keeping them in the living room more than anything else. Eventually Derek stood up and started the movement towards sleep, pulling Meredith up off the couch with him in the process. They politely said goodnight to everyone and made their way through the house.

"They all seem nice," Meredith commented when they reached the safety of their bedroom. She began pulling off her clothes and searching for a tee shirt and flannel pajama bottoms.

"They are nice, Mere. Just give them some time to get to know you, and I'm sure you'll feel like they're the family you never had," Derek reassured her. He walked over and kissed her softly, like a habit, before he started undressing himself for bed. The scent of scotch was lingering on his breath, but he was nowhere near as drunk as he had been a couple nights earlier.

He moved towards the bed and began pulling down the covers so he could slide in and start warming it up for her. He always started out the evening on the right side of the bed – her side – before slowly moving over to his own as he made room for her beside him. She loved how comfortable the bed always felt as she lingered in the warmth he left behind before he spooned his body against hers. He was starting to crawl into bed before he stopped and started mumbling to himself.

"What?" Meredith asked as she pulled on her old Dartmouth tee shirt.

"I forgot my earplugs downstairs in the foyer," he explained as he got back up and grabbed his pants off the floor.

"No, stop. I can get it," Meredith insisted. "Where are they?"

"In a CVS bag on or by the bench."

"Got it. Wait here," she responded.

"Oh, and can you grab a glass of water, too?" he asked sweetly.

"Sure. Earplugs and water, coming right up." Gourmet foods? Definitely not Meredith Grey's domain of expertise. But a glass of water she could handle.

"Thanks," Derek replied, dropping his pants back to the floor before sliding into bed.

Meredith quietly made her way to the door, opening and closing it softly so as not to wake any of the kids that had finally fallen asleep. She followed the path illuminated by nightlights towards the stairs and tiptoed down them, stopping halfway down when she heard familiar voices.

"So, do you think this thing with Meredith is going to last?" Nancy asked skeptically. Her voice was muffled a little by the distance from the stairs to the living room, but there was no mistaking whose voice it was or what she was saying.

"Yeah, I do," Mark replied confidently.

"But she's so much younger than him," Kathy argued with concern. "I just worry that they don't want the same things – with where they are in their careers and family and stuff like that."

"Well, she _is _young, and I think she's figuring out a lot of things still. But she gets Derek in a way that no one else does, and he really loves her," Mark answered.

Meredith's heart started racing as she eavesdropped. She thought about turning around and racing back upstairs, but she was certain that they'd know for sure that she was there if she did that.

And part of her really wanted to hear what else would be said.

"But does she love _him_?" Nancy interrogated.

_Yes! What kind of question is that?_

"She does," Mark defended. "They're not always the best at communicating, but they love each other."

"I don't know," Nancy sighed. "Derek and Addison got each other until you fucked it up. I just wonder if this is some midlife crisis rebound thing."

Meredith felt her temperature rise. Could that be it? She didn't think it was, and she felt suddenly defensive about their relationship.

"It's not a midlife rebound," Mark dismissed. "I've never seen him like this with anyone. It's like him and Addie – at their _best_ – times ten."

Nancy let out a small disbelieving laugh and fell silent.

Meredith decided that she couldn't keep listening in. She needed to find the bag, get the water, and get out. She tiptoed down the remaining steps and crept into the kitchen, trying not to make too much noise. Of course, it was hard to get filtered water out of the refrigerator without making any sounds, and the inevitable sound of water pouring into the glass seemed amplified by the quiet of the room.

_Dammit, I should have just made Derek get his own water…_

The kitchen light flickered on, causing Meredith to jump back away from the refrigerator and spill water on the floor. She had been found.

Mark stood in the doorway with a huge smirk plastered across his face. "Need some help, Grey?" he asked as he reached for a dish towel to mop up the puddle on the kitchen floor.

"I'm fine," Meredith spat back. She held her glass back under the spigot and finished filling it for Derek. "Derek wanted water," she grumbled.

"Right," Mark nodded. He clearly knew that she had been downstairs for much longer than she was letting on, but thankfully he wasn't about to say anything about it. He just smiled condescendingly at her. "Well, you better take his water up to him."

"Right," Meredith replied awkwardly. "I'm going now."

"Okay."

"Okay."

Meredith spun around and practically raced back up the stairs. She had been caught, and everyone would probably know that not only was she the slutty intern that broke up Derek's perfect marriage and triggered his midlife crisis, but she was also a nosy eavesdropper who meddled in his sisters' private conversations.

This wasn't good.

Especially when she had to turn around and race back down to grab the CVS bag she had forgotten.

_Slutty, forgetful, adulterous home-wrecker. You can carry on your conversation about me now. I'm going to go facilitate a midlife crisis now._

"What took you so long?" Derek asked as Meredith finally raced back into the room and passed him the glass of water, practically spilling it all over again as she lunged the glass towards Derek's outstretched arm.

"Nothing," she mumbled, slightly out of breath. She got under the covers and slid her body up against his, facing away from him as she sank into the warm, comfortable bed.

Derek set his glass of water on the nightstand next to him before nuzzling back up to Meredith. He draped his arm over her waist and tangled his legs up with hers. He slowly grazed her hip with his hand, back and forth in a massaging motion as he waited for her to say something. He could always tell when she was holding something back from him.

"Do you think we communicate enough?" she finally caved.

Derek pulled her a little closer towards him and kissed her neck gently. "Probably not," he sighed.

Meredith pulled away and rolled over to face him. Her hand rested on the pillow beside her face as she stared at him, searching for some explanation.

"You're notoriously bad for not talking, and I perhaps bottle things up a bit as well," he confessed. He slid his fingers through her hair as he spoke, teasing the wisps that framed her face and pushing them back behind her ear.

"Hmmph," Meredith groaned, unable to refute his comment.

"We're okay, I guess. Getting better, perhaps. I mean, we can tell when we're holding things back…but, we probably shouldn't hold back – not with each other," he clarified.

"I hate that you haven't told me more about your family," she confessed. "You should talk to me more about that stuff."

"Yeah, you're right," Derek conceded.

Meredith hadn't expected him to agree so easily.

"I just – I wanted you to meet them first, and that was stupid. I thought that you wouldn't want to talk about them because you claim to not like families. I figured I'd introduce you first and then change your mind. But I should have prepared you more – told you more about them."

"Yes, you should have," Meredith pouted. She wasn't angry – not really – but she wanted to communicate. It had been bothering her how little she knew about his sisters coming into this trip and how much she needed to rely on Mark to get information.

She scrunched her nose and stared at him. Maybe this two-way communication thing was going to be more difficult than she had expected.

"And I should have told them more about you," Derek confessed as he continued tangling his fingers in her hair. "I should have made it much clearer to them that our relationship is serious and that you're it for me. I'm sorry that you feel like you're being judged by them. But no matter how annoying they get, just remember – their votes don't count."

Meredith shrugged her shoulder, nudging his hand away from her hair. "Their votes don't count," she replied skeptically. "They're your sisters – their opinion is obviously important to you," she argued.

"It is, and I know they'll like you, but even if they don't – so what? I'm in love with you. Do you think a few sarcastic comments from my catty sisters could change that?" he countered.

Meredith let out a large sigh as she contemplated his comments. Derek's hopeful gaze faded into a darker expression as she debated her response.

"You think we're that fragile?" Derek pressed, his voice disbelieving.

Meredith didn't respond.

Derek groaned and rolled over so he could stare at the ceiling. "Well, in the spirit of communicating," he started sarcastically, "I hate that you don't trust me and are constantly insecure in our relationship… Jesus, I asked you to marry me this week, Meredith, and still…still you doubt…"

Meredith turned over and faced away from him. She felt guilty, but it was true. She loved him. She knew that she wanted to be with him. But she wondered how long it would take him to change his mind about her.

"I'm not your father…" he mumbled bitterly.

Meredith clenched her pillow tightly, hugging it towards her.

"Sometimes," she whispered. "Sometimes I think that this is too good…too perfect. It's like I'm waiting for the rug to be ripped out from under me, and I don't want to fall." Her eyes were squeezed tightly shut, and she felt her pulse race as she tried to explain away her insecurities.

Derek continued to lie next to her, immobile as he thought. After what felt like hours of silence, he turned back towards Meredith and repositioned himself against her body, pulling her close against him.

"I'm not going to pull the rug out, and you're not going to push me away, no matter how many creative ways you try," he insisted. "You're all that I could ever need, and nothing that you say or do is going to make me change my mind. I love you far too much – more than anything, and if you need me to say that a hundred times a day to believe it, I will."

Meredith took a deep breath and relaxed against him. "Okay," she whispered.

"I'm sorry I'm such a nut job."

"And I'm sorry I ever gave you a reason to be," he immediately replied.

Meredith listened to the quiet flooding the room. Derek was breathing softly beside her, but she could tell he was still awake, thinking.

"We'll talk more tomorrow?" she stated hopefully.

"Sure," he sighed. She could tell that he was completely exhausted, and she felt guilty for keeping him awake this long. "Pass me my earplugs and hit the light?" he asked.

Meredith accommodated him and handed over his new pack of earplugs before turning the table lamp off and settling back against her pillows. She heard Derek toss the remaining contents of the box back on to his night stand before spooning back against her. He kissed her gently on the neck before hugging her tight against him.

Maybe he was right. Maybe she was too insecure. But it was easy to feel safe and loved when they were alone in bed together and the rest of the world was shut out completely. And as much as she would have liked it, they couldn't spend all of their time alone in bed together.

But they could do that for now.

Meredith tucked her body further under the covers and snuggled closer to Derek before allowing herself to drift off peacefully to sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note: The show really is not providing much inspiration right now, particularly with all of the drama of the writer's strike. I needed a little bright and shiny MerDer to pump me back up again, so I hope you don't mind a fluffier chapter. :-) Don't worry, there's more drama on the way, but I wanted to leave everyone on a happy note in case the holidays slow me down on the next chapter. Feel free to review if you want to get me to write faster – it seriously helps kick my ass into gear when I really want to take a break for a while. I know that I'm behind on responding, but I promise that I'll catch up very, very soon. **

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The sunlight streaming through the windows washed the room with a white glow that made it impossible for Derek to linger in the lazy comforts of sleep any longer. For someone who was almost always wide awake before sunrise, it felt unusual to feel the warm rays heat up the bed and stir him awake. But he and Meredith had been incredibly tired, and he felt completely refreshed after sleeping almost nine hours, especially when his body had adjusted to regular four or five hour stints. It was like having two nights of sleep for the price of one.

And Meredith was still sleeping soundly.

He watched as the sunlight cascaded across her honey-colored hair, highlighting the spectrum of blondes and browns that blended together into perfect silken strands. Her eyes were still shut, and her eyelashes fringed her pale lids, pointing in the direction of the smatter of freckles on her cheeks and nose. Her light pink lips were parted slightly as she breathed, revealing the smooth outline of her teeth. In this moment of distraction-free quiet, when none of their problems was floating through her conscience, she was angelic and perfect.

He could watch her sleep for hours, pacing his own breaths to the rise and fall of her breasts with each steady inhalation and exhalation. And the little murmurs and snores were much more endearing to him when he wasn't trying to get some sleep himself. He loved the way she scrunched up her nose sometimes when she slept, or the way she would smack her lips together as if she was talking in her sleep without vocalizing any words. He wouldn't dare try to imagine what she was dreaming about – she was difficult enough to figure out when she was awake and coherent. But he could watch her, and he could think of enough dreams involving her on his own.

While Derek had no desire to get out of bed and start his day, he didn't want to go back to sleep or wake Meredith up. He could tell she was tired, and if she was still sleeping after so many hours, it meant that she needed it. But he had no idea how long she'd stay asleep, and he knew better than to make it obvious that he had been watching her. She hated that – called it "hovering" – even though he didn't consider it part of his overprotective tendencies. For him, it was just part of being in love. But he needed a cover – some sort of justification for being wide awake and in bed next to her. He carefully untangled his arms and legs from her sleeping body and slipped off the side of the bed. His toes curled against the thick rug surrounding the bed, buffering his feet against the shocking cold of the hardwood floors. He crept carefully over to his black knapsack and pulled out a book of _New York Times _crossword puzzles that Meredith had bought at the airport. He had insisted that he would be able to solve more of them than she did – a claim he felt much less confident about after watching her tear out the solutions from the back of the book and throw them into an airport recycling bin.

But now would be as good a time as any to get a head start.

He started searching for a pencil inside his bag when the sudden vibrations of his cell phone caused him to jump. He quickly shuffled items around searching for it, trying to answer before it woke Meredith up.

"Hello," he answered quietly without even looking at the caller ID. He glanced over to see if Meredith was still sleeping, and from the uninterrupted soft morning snores, he could tell that she was.

"Derek?" a familiar voice hesitated on the other end of the line.

Derek's pulse quickened in recognition of the voice and he slumped into the oversized red chair, knowing he'd be on the phone for at least a few minutes. "Addison," he responded.

"I heard about your mom," she replied. "Derek, I'm so sorry. She was such an amazing woman. How are you holding up?" Her voice sounded slightly nervous, but genuine. He knew that she loved his mother as her own, and there was no doubt in his mind that she was concerned about him and the rest of his family. In all of the conflicts he and Addison encountered, he had always appreciated her loyalty to his family. In some ways it was what made her affair with Mark so painful – she never strayed far enough from the Shepherd clan.

"I'm doing okay, I guess. Getting by," Derek pretended. He certainly wasn't about to confess to being the weepy pile of misery that displayed itself at the funeral home the night before, and without having to worry about facing her, it was easy for him to maintain the façade.

"Kathy called and told me about the funeral arrangements and everything. She suggested that I fly out to be with the family," Addison stated matter-of-factly. It was hard to deduce from her tone how she felt about the suggestion.

"Oh, I see," he stated abruptly. It was apparent from his voice that he had been caught off guard by the possibility.

"Yeah," Addison mumbled, half-apologetically.

"So are you coming?" Derek asked. He was a little frustrated that his sister had gone behind his back to invite Addison without even consulting him first, but he wasn't about to hold that against Addison. He knew that she meant well.

"I don't know. That's why I'm calling actually," Addison sighed. "Of course, I'd love to see your family, and I would fly right out if you guys need me there, but I don't know that you do…need me…" Her voice trailed off sadly.

Derek tilted his head away from the phone and groaned softly so that Addison wouldn't hear. This was going to be a no-win situation for him. "Addison, you're more than welcome to come and say goodbye to Mom if you want to. But it's up to you. I'm doing okay, and you definitely don't need to make a cross-country flight on my behalf," he explained gently. He didn't want to hurt her feelings. He still valued her friendship, but he wanted to make it clear that he was coping well enough on his own.

"Are you and Meredith back together?" Addison asked cautiously. The last time she had seen Derek was immediately after the failed wedding between Preston Burke and Cristina Yang, and the status of his relationship with Meredith was very much in question. In a move that surprised both of them, she had been the one to encourage Derek to fight to keep Meredith and not let himself take the easy route of letting her go. It was advice that Derek needed, and it made him realize that he couldn't repeat the mistakes he had made in his relationship with Addison.

"Yeah, we are," Derek replied, his voice tender and filled with love. He looked back over at Meredith. Her snoring had stopped, but her eyes were still shut. He couldn't be sure if she was still asleep or just pretending to be. He grinned at the possibility of the latter. "We're living together and talking about marriage," he explained. "Things are going really well between us," he added.

He was almost certain that he saw the corners of Meredith's mouth turn up in a teeny-tiny smile as he talked about her with his ex-wife, but it was hard to know for sure.

"Good. That's…great. I'm happy for you, Derek. Honestly," Addison admitted, her voice tinged with the slightest hint of disappointment and jealousy. "So I'm guessing she's out there with you?"

"Yeah, she is," Derek acknowledged. He leaned over the side of the chair looking for his flannel pajama bottoms. He had slept in only his boxers, and he was starting to get cold. He hadn't planned on being out of bed so long.

"Is Mark there too?" Addison asked apprehensively.

"Yes," Derek answered, nodding his head as if she could see the movements.

"Yeah, I don't think I'm going to come," Addison concluded. "It would just be too weird, I think. With Mark _and_ Meredith…"

"Are you sure?" Derek asked gently. Even though he agreed with her decision, he didn't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel unwanted.

"I'm sure," Addison replied more confidently. "I'll just tell Kathy that it's not a good idea for any of us. It's fine."

"Okay," Derek replied, slightly disappointed that he couldn't see her again. Even though he didn't have any romantic feelings for her anymore, it was hard for him to write off over eleven years of his life and the myriad of happy memories she shared with him and his family.

"It's hard. I never really considered the fact that when we got a divorce, I was divorcing your family, too," Addison confessed.

Derek's shoulders sagged. "Addie, it doesn't have to be that way, you know."

"It does. It absolutely does. And it's better for both of us. You know that, Derek," Addison reasoned.

"Maybe," he sighed. "You're probably right, as usual."

Meredith rolled over in the bed, facing away from him and towards the space his body had occupied moments before. Her own expression was rendered completely unreadable in the process, but she was definitely awake.

"How's Mark?" Addison inquired, changing the subject.

"Same as he ever was," Derek replied. "I believe the nurses may be uniting against him pretty soon. He needs to learn that he can't try all the same tricks with a group that gossips so much."

Addison laughed wistfully. "Good to know that some things never change."

"True," he agreed.

"And Callie tells me you're the co-chief now?" Addison added.

"Also true," Derek admitted as he sank back against the chair, wondering how long Meredith would continue pretending to be asleep. "It's a transitional thing, I think, until Richard decides to retire. At least a year, I suspect."

"That's great, Derek. Congratulations. I always knew you were the one to beat for that job," Addison confessed.

"Yeah, thanks. And L.A.? How's that going?" Derek wondered aloud.

"It's…different. Not at all like working in a hospital, but I'm adjusting to the change. I think the change is good for me. I needed a change," Addison admitted. "And Naomi is here and keeping me out of trouble, so I can't complain."

"Well, good. I'm glad that's working out," Derek responded. He started searching the floor for a tee shirt to put on as well. He was running out of things to say to Addison, but he wasn't sure how long the conversation would last or how much longer he would be delayed from crawling back into bed with Meredith. He found a gray undershirt and slipped it on quickly, pinning his cell phone against his shoulder as he slid one arm through the sleeve, then the other.

They sat in awkward silence for a few moments. Both felt like they should have more to say, but neither knew what. Eventually Addison broke the silence.

"This is weird isn't it?" she stated uncomfortably.

Derek took a deep breath and fanned his fingers through his hair, pulling it into little spikes. "Yeah, it kinda is."

"We used to be able to talk to each other for hours. Now we can't sustain a conversation for more than five minutes. It's like we don't know each other anymore," Addison pointed out with a sort of sad frustration.

"It's just…I guess we're not the same people anymore. We've both…moved on to different things," Derek reasoned. He couldn't quite explain the phenomenon either. Talking to Addison now was like talking to a stranger. He cared about her – he would always be curious what she was up to and want her to be happy – but he didn't feel a strong connection with her anymore. She wasn't part of his day-to-day reality, and Meredith was. Before coming to Connecticut, he couldn't even be sure when he had last thought about Addison. She had been removed from his mental map, and now that she was on the phone, it was hard for him to rebuild any spontaneous ties.

"Yeah, we have," Addison sighed.

"But I'm really glad that you called, Addie. It means a lot to me that you even considered coming out here to be with us," Derek quickly added.

Meredith shifted slightly under the covers, causing a mischievous smile to spread across Derek's lips. It was easy to imagine all the possible ways he could torment her for pretending to be asleep.

"Of course, Derek. I really cared for your mom," Addison answered.

"She liked you, too," Derek said more seriously.

"Well, I should get going for work, but please call if you need anything."

"Thanks, Addie. Take care," Derek concluded.

"You too. Bye." Addison replied before hanging up.

He closed his cell phone and tossed it back into the bag before quietly tiptoeing to the foot of the bed. He quickly lifted the blankets and searched for her feet, grabbing her right ankle and pulling her towards him.

"What are you doing?" she screamed as Derek began tickling the base of her foot. "You ass," Meredith hissed.

"Good morning, Mere," Derek pouted apologetically, trying to sound completely innocent.

"Stop…you bastard…that's not fair!" she fought. She kicked him away and pulled the blankets around her protectively as if it was her armor to obstruct further assaults.

"Awww, is someone having a bad morning?" he teased.

"You shouldn't tickle me like that…I'm cranky in the morning and my feet are sensitive," Meredith stormed.

"And cute. I happen to like your feet," Derek grinned. "But maybe _you_ shouldn't pretend to be asleep while I'm on the phone."

"I wasn't pretending to be asleep," she argued, but he could immediately tell that she was lying as her eyes shifted away from him, no longer able to meet his gaze. Her face flushed a little with embarrassment at being caught, and she bit her lip to stave off a grin.

"Right. Not listening…Well, if you had been, it would have been okay. If I wanted privacy I would have left. But there is nothing that I have left to say to Addison that you couldn't be a part of," he reassured. He slid his hand over the blankets, targeting Meredith's thigh and hip. He kicked away the blankets so he could get under them and scoot closer to her.

"Hmmmph," Meredith grunted defensively. She often made that sound when she lost an argument but was too stubborn to concede.

"So how much did you hear?" Derek questioned as he draped his arm across Meredith's waist and rested his head on the pillow near her shoulder.

"Pretty much everything, I think," Meredith confessed softly.

"And what do you think about it?" he asked.

"What do I think about it? What do you mean?" she retorted.

"Well," Derek started thoughtfully. "Should I have told Addison to come for the funeral?" He felt like he had made the right decision, but he was slightly conflicted about it, and he was certainly curious about Meredith's take on the situation.

"That's totally up to you," Meredith said calmly.

Derek detected her body tensing subtly, and he wondered if she was truly uncomfortable with the idea still.

"I know, but you get to have some say in these things, too, you know. I wouldn't let Addison come if I thought you'd be uncomfortable with it," he explained. He propped his head up with his arm and stared at her patiently while his hand traced small circles along her abdomen.

"Well, if it was just us, I wouldn't care that Addison was here, but with the family…" Meredith stopped abruptly, unwilling or unable to complete her thought.

Derek's eyes grew darker and he felt suddenly defensive. "What about my family?"

"Nothing," Meredith insisted. She snuggled further under the covers, trying to bury herself beneath them.

"No, something's bothering you. What is it?" Derek asked, concerned.

"It's just…" Meredith let out a large, exasperated sigh. "I don't like being compared to her. I can't compete."

"Meredith," he groaned, "of course you can compete." He was frustrated that she continued to harbor such insecurity. Why didn't she understand that she had already triumphed over Addison in every way that mattered to him?

"Of course _you_ think that, but try telling that to your sisters. They _hate_ me," Meredith whined. Her eyes were wide and fearful – almost childlike.

"They don't _hate _you," Derek insisted. "How could they hate you? They just met you…" He stopped drawing lazy circles around her navel and rested his hand against her stomach, feeling it rise and fall with each breath.

"Well, I'm pretty sure they do – Nancy and Kathy at least," Meredith countered. She turned on her side to face him and interlaced her fingers in his.

"I don't think they hate you, I just think…they miss Addison," Derek explained. "They're having a hard time accepting the divorce…"

"That they think I caused," Meredith concluded. "And now they want to bring Addison here so we can mud wrestle over you or some stupid shit," she huffed. She released his hand and buried her head in her arms.

An enormous grin spread across Derek's face, reaching the far corners of his eyes. "You'd mud wrestle Addison for me?" he asked.

Meredith stared at him, slightly perplexed. "It was just an example," she backpeddled.

"But would you? Would you mud wrestle Addison to keep me?" He was incredibly amused by the mental images Meredith's suggestion conjured in his head. Addison resisted living in the trailer because of the mud in the yard. Imagine if she was in a ring of it wrestling Meredith. The concept yielded so many possibilities.

"I may not have much on Addison, but I could take her…I could be a dirty pit fighter," Meredith argued, propping her head back up on her hand.

Derek started to speak, but quickly closed his mouth. He wasn't about to challenge her dream of fighting Addison. She may have been just waking up and slightly delusional, but he wouldn't argue. After all, maybe she could win that contest. It certainly would have been fun to watch.

He kissed her forehead gently and slid back out from under the blankets to stand beside the bed.

"Where are you going?" Meredith whined.

"To call Addison back and tell her to book a flight," Derek teased. "I just don't get very many opportunities to see my ex-wife and girlfriend mud wrestle each other."

Derek started in the direction of his phone but turned into the bathroom to grab his toothbrush and toothpaste. He squeezed a small amount of the blue minty gel onto his toothbrush, ran it under some water and returned to the bedroom. "You know, I'm kinda pissed that they called her without asking me. Am I right to be pissed?" he asked before putting the toothbrush into his mouth and scrubbing his teeth.

Meredith shrugged noncommittally. "I guess I'm surprised they didn't say anything to you about inviting her. Or at least ask your opinion about it…It seems like something they should have done," she sighed. She leaned back on the pillows and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands.

Derek returned to the sink to spit out a mouthful of foam. "I'll have to say something to them about it," he grumbled. "They just don't get it."

"Which is why they hate me," Meredith replied.

Derek finished brushing his teeth and rinsed off his toothbrush. He didn't know what to say to Meredith. _Hate? That might be a strong word. But they might dislike you and what you represent, which would be completely stupid and unjustified on their part, but possible for my irrational sisters._ It didn't seem like the explanation that Meredith should hear this morning.

He splashed some cool water over his face, feeling the stubble on his jaw as he rubbed his hands against it. He needed to shave, but hopefully Meredith wouldn't complain too much. He grabbed a pale yellow towel, patted his face dry, and returned to the bedroom to see Meredith still lounging in bed. A sad, slightly distraught frown pulled on her features, and she looked particularly small and helpless in the sea of blankets.

"You just have to give them time," he insisted as he crawled back into bed next to her. "They just don't know you like I know you yet, Meredith. Maybe you're the kind of person they need to get to know to love," he suggested.

She looked over at him hopefully. "You think so?"

"Once they know you, how could they _not_ love you?" he continued. He reached for her hand and drew it to his lips, kissing each finger softly. "There are so many parts of you to love," he whispered between kisses.

"Like what?" she prodded.

"Well, your fingers," he started. "They're quite nice. Strong. Delicate. Good in surgery." He turned her hand over and examined her palm, kissing its fleshy center. "And they lead to the most amazing wrist," he continued.

"Sure, qualities your sisters are certain to adore me for," Meredith replied sarcastically.

"I'm just getting started," Derek smiled. "Your arms – I love the way that the little hairs stand on end whenever you get goosebumps." He slid his tongue gently along her skin and blew a tiny puff of air against the moist space, achieving his desired effect.

"Derek…" Meredith resisted.

"Wait – there's more," he interrupted. He moved his body closer to hers, almost pinning her between his body and the mattress as he leaned towards her neck. "I love the way that your neck curves into your clavicle and has this perfect, soft spot that invites me to taste," he soothed. He closed his eyes and kissed her neck tenderly.

Meredith gasped at his touch and felt the goosebumps spread throughout her body. He always knew exactly where to touch her to make her squirm with arousal, especially when she first woke up in the morning.

"I won't have sex with your sisters to get them to like me," Meredith teased. Her breathing was slightly hitched and he could feel her relaxing her legs and slowly spreading them apart to create an informal invitation for him to continue.

"My girl-on-girl fantasies of you suddenly sound less appealing when you bring my sisters into it," Derek shared before sliding his hand across Meredith's abdomen and under her shirt.

"Are you trying to make me the slutty intern?" Meredith argued half-heartedly as she sank against her pillows and arched her back towards him, causing her shirt to slide up even more towards her breasts. The fabric folded and bunched around her, making it seem like her breasts were practically straining to be released.

"Letting me make love to you this morning does not make you slutty," he insisted as his hands continued gliding along her body. His cupped her breast gently, grazing her nipple with his thumb repeatedly until it hardened into a perfect dark pink peak.

Her body flushed and her breathing became more labored as she reacted to the sensations he triggered. She lazily ran her fingers through his thick, dark hair and closed her eyes, savoring the feel of his touch.

"Mmmm…I love the way your body reacts to me…the way it tastes…" he whispered throatily as he took her taut nipple between his lips, teasing it with his tongue and grazing it with his teeth. His hand continued to linger on her other breast, gently pinching and caressing until the lavish attention of his velvety tongue followed. Each action aroused him as much as her, and he found himself pressing into her thigh as he hungrily licked and sucked the soft, sensitive skin.

He pulled away gently and admired the way her body glistened from the combination of his saliva and the streaming sunlight. She opened her eyes slowly, but left them half-closed – heavy with desire.

"Derek…" she purred. She ran her tongue over her full pink lips, practically inviting him to taste more.

He rolled on top of her and drew her mouth towards his. Their lips parted and their tongues danced anxiously, exploring and tasting each other greedily. She shifted her weight beneath him and spread her legs further apart, hooking her right leg around him to pull him tighter against her. His body reacted immediately, and he pressed himself firmly against the juncture of her legs, separated still by the fabric of their pajamas as he ground against her. The friction between them made his heat molten, and he had to slow himself down as he rubbed against her so he could prolong their ecstasy as long as possible.

"Clothes," Meredith mumbled breathlessly as she tugged on his shirt. She pulled the fabric up so that it was bunched against his shoulder blades, but she needed more help to pull it over his arms and head.

Derek sat up and kneeled in front of her, removing his shirt as quickly as possible. He watched as Meredith's eyes drifted lower on his body, scanning his torso before fixating on the large bulge inside his flannel pajama bottoms. Her gaze lifted back up to meet his eyes as if to say that he needed to take more off.

"Are you going to undress, too?" he countered as he slid his pajamas and boxers lower on his hips, adjusting slightly as the elastic waistbands caught on his erection.

"Yeah," she whispered as she quickly pulled off her tee shirt and let him assist with her remaining clothing. He could tell from the moist spot on her lacy pink panties that he had been plenty effective at turning her on this morning.

She sat up and grabbed the back of his arms, wrapping her fingers against his triceps as she pulled him back down on top of her. Her mouth meshed eagerly with his, and she didn't even complain as her soft skin brushed against his stubble. They were both too lustfully delirious to complain about much of anything.

Derek hovered over her and slowly rubbed his hard, thick member against her moist core, watching her gasp and squirm as the head of his shaft slid across her clit and back again. He continued the teasing until her breath was shallow and her hands traveled low on his back, pressing against him to try to push him deep inside her. He knew what she wanted, but he wasn't ready to give it to her just yet. He slid himself back towards her wet opening and lingered there, allowing his tip to press against her tight walls and penetrate her ever so slightly before withdrawing and running back against her clit again. Each time he repeated the cycle, he penetrated her millimeters more, but he refused to plunge deep inside as her body begged of him.

"Oh, stop teasing," she moaned. "I want you inside of me so badly."

"You do?" he growled. He wasn't sure who he was teasing more as he felt the sensation of her hot moist body against his sensitive tip. He balled up the sheets on either side of her shoulders in his fists as he tried to maintain his restraint.

"Oh, god, Derek…yes, I want you," she pled. Her hips were moving rhythmically to meet his motions and she bucked against him anxiously as if she could force him to dip deep inside her and feel her upper walls, only to whine in frustration when she failed.

Finally Derek couldn't handle the teasing any longer, and when he slid inside her tight muscular ring, he continued driving deep inside her, penetrating as far as her body would allow.

Her eyes sprang open with surprise and a squeal escaped her lips as she felt him push her body to its limits. Her muscles contracted around him, making the space feel even tighter as he rhythmically pistoned inside of her. Her thighs tightened around his hips as if to lock him in place, and he could feel her begin to tremble as an orgasm promised to wash over her body.

"I don't want you to come yet," he insisted as he slowed down his rhythm dramatically.

"Why?" she sobbed frantically.

"Because I want us to take our time. If you come, you'll probably take me with you," he argued. His breathing was labored and his pulse was racing as his body ached for release inside of her. But he didn't want the moment to end yet, and he knew that the sensation of her body spasming around him would drive him over the edge. He couldn't handle that. Not yet.

"But I want you…let me come," she demanded. Her eyes were wild and intense as the heat radiated between their bodies.

"Fine, but I'm not done with you yet," he caved as he withdrew from her body.

She craned her neck up off the pillows, completely bewildered by the vacancy she suddenly felt.

Derek moved down on the bed and pushed her legs apart with his hands, revealing her red, swollen sex to him. He leaned over and greedily ran his tongue over her wetness, suckling and circling her clit as he filled her with his middle and index fingers. His other hand braced her hip before moving up across her curves and tugging on her tight nipples. The combination was more than she could handle, and within seconds she was moaning softly, unable to silence herself completely as he brought her to climax. Her whole body shook and tensed before relaxing into the firm mattress, and he felt her spasm and contract against his fingers and mouth as he continued working her body through her throes of ecstasy. The knowledge that he had the power to do this to her made him want her even more.

He pulled away from her and repositioned himself to drive into her harder and faster than before. Her tight opening felt even wetter to him, and her body felt much more sensitive and aware of him as she came down from her orgasm.

"Oh…god…Mere," he moaned as he barreled into her, losing all control in the process. He had exhausted all restraint and just wanted to let himself go.

Meredith dragged her fingernails against his back, working her way down to his ass as she spread her legs wider and hooked them around his waist. Her feet pressed against his tailbone, seeming to push him even deeper inside of her. They both moaned at the sensation, and Derek slid his hands under her shoulders to hold her firmly in place for him to finish.

For the briefest moment she looked up at him and smiled, her gaze full of love and contentment. He was completely mesmerized by the power she held over him, and as she tightened her vaginal muscles around him, he could no longer resist her. He groaned loudly as he released inside her, the room spinning around him in a maze of white light as he climaxed. She whimpered slightly, and he felt her muscles contracting and releasing again as she experienced another orgasm. He dropped his head to her chest, listening to the rapid heartbeats echo in his ear as he tried to steady his own pulse.

"And a good morning it is," Meredith finally murmured lazily after they had both basked in the afterglow for several moments.

"Always," he sighed contentedly. He raised his head up to meet her lips softly with his. They kissed tenderly, no longer feeling the primal need of a few minutes ago.

"I'm not cranky anymore," Meredith announced as she pulled away slightly, her nose still pressed against his so he could feel her breathing against him.

"Good," he whispered back as he ran his fingers through her hair. "I don't want you to be cranky."

"And I would definitely kick Addison's mud wrestling ass for you," she smiled.

He laughed, amused that she was revisiting the topic. "As far as I'm concerned, you already did. I am one hundred percent, hopelessly and completely yours," he assured her.

"And I intend to keep it that way," Meredith expressed, unnecessary determination mixing with her voice.

She rolled away from him and out of bed, heading for the bathroom. His eyes followed her with loving satisfaction as her naked body moved gracefully through the room, glowing in the sunlight that filtered through the white curtains. He drank in the way that her hair swayed in alternating directions with her hips and the soft curves that fell so perfectly along the pale skin that only he had the opportunity to see. For the first time since they arrived in Connecticut, Derek felt optimistic.

Meredith closed the door behind her, leaving Derek alone in the bedroom. He listened as the shower started, and for a few lazy moments he debated whether he should join her or give her some privacy. He ultimately decided that there were probably few times when she felt completely comfortable on her own at his mom's house, and this could be one of them. He stood up and located his pajama bottoms, pulling them over his naked lower half before wandering towards his leather satchel. He remembered the crossword puzzles that had initially lured him over there earlier in the morning, and he squatted before it, resuming his search for a pencil.

The bag was cluttered by various magazines and papers that Meredith had accumulated throughout their trip and passed off to him to hold. He saw issues of _Vogue_ and _Entertainment Weekly_, and he quickly pulled them out so he could get a better look inside the bag. Immediately he spotted two yellow pencils in the lower reaches of his bag, but something else demanded his attention even more.

Derek latched onto the black velvet box and pulled it out, inhaling deeply as he flipped the case open and saw the engagement ring sparkling in front of him. The reality of what he had and what he lost came barreling against him, and he found himself faced with an urgent need to sit down. He didn't know how he would be able to convince her to wear it this week, but he knew that it was the one thing he needed to feel whole again. He longed to know that they had a serious future together – that she was as committed to him as he was to her. He wanted to see that no matter what happened between them, their relationship was permanent and unbreakable, and she had to accept the ring to prove it.

He wasn't sure how he could convince her that his proposal hadn't been a mistake, but he suddenly knew that he desperately needed to try.

He closed the box and placed it back inside the bag, hopeful that it wouldn't have to remain there for long.

24


	19. Chapter 19

Meredith tried desperately not to look like she was clinging to Derek at the funeral home, but she was. It wasn't so much for his benefit. He had let himself fall apart in front of his mother's body the night before, and now he seemed much more together. He wasn't numb or in denial as he had been in the earlier stages of the trip. Instead, he exuded a sort of sad strength that said that he could be there for the family to lean on even though his own insides were twisted and knotted into a discombobulated heap. And right now, in the midst of swarms of strangers and long lost relatives, Meredith needed some of that strength.

The rest of the morning had been fairly lazy and low key. Everyone knew that they would be spending several hours together at the funeral home while friends and family of Barbara Shepherd stopped by to pay their respects. As a result, there wasn't any organized movement to have breakfast or lunch together. Instead, the immediate family largely kept to themselves to prepare for the long day ahead of them. Even Derek seemed to be in a flirty mood throughout the morning, as if he saw the need to have as much fun as possible because he knew it wouldn't happen throughout the day. But now that they were at the funeral home, Meredith felt particularly unsettled. She didn't really know anyone there, and Derek seemed to be managing well enough on his own, holding himself together and standing strong as everyone else who had known his mother came to terms with her death.

_No, I'm afraid we don't know cause of death, but she certainly led a good life. It was just her time, I guess… Yes, I'm still a neurosurgeon, working in Seattle actually… No, none of the grandchildren are mine…I actually am recently divorced, so no, there aren't any on the way anytime soon. _

Meredith hovered close by and listened as Derek responded to the same questions over and over. His last answer always rattled her a little. _Addison. Where's Addison? Where's that redhead? What was her name again? _The questions sounded added to Meredith's discomfort, and even though Derek always made apologetic eye contact with Meredith, she never felt particularly welcome joining Derek's conversations. The times that Derek offered to introduce her, she felt like some trophy girlfriend that had no real purpose in being there. She didn't know Barbara, and she had only recently met the rest of the family. Her presence only made Derek's conversations with aunts, uncles, and cousins all the more awkward as he tried explaining the last two years of his life in a stripped-down, family-friendly way.

She was a placeholder, holding the spot previously occupied by Addison, and she suspected that the only people genuinely happy about that development were Derek and herself.

"Is it time to go yet?" Derek asked Meredith half-heartedly. He rolled his head from side to side, shrugging his shoulders and working out some of his stress and exhaustion-induced tension in the process. Receiving condolences from so many people was quickly depleting his energy, and he had every intention to take advantage of the lull in the afternoon to stretch and regroup.

"Derek, it's only three," Meredith replied after glancing at her watch.

"Great," he grumbled. He rolled his eyes sarcastically and stuck his hands in the pockets of his gray trousers. They had been standing for the majority of the last two hours as they slowly made their way around the perimeter of the room, greeting well-wishers and grieving acquaintances. They mostly kept their distance from the casket, but every once in a while their eyes would drift in that direction as new flower arrangements were carried in or if someone seemed particularly upset. But mostly Derek seemed to want to avoid that area.

"Two more hours until we break for dinner. You can do this," Meredith reassured him. "Half way there."

She reached over and straightened his grey patterned tie against his indigo-colored shirt. It was the only shirt and tie that Meredith had ever purchased for Derek, and she knew it was one of his favorites. She loved the way it drew out the color of his eyes, making the blues seem far more intense than usual. She had packed a large variety of shirts and ties for him to choose from, and as she watched him smile at her as he pulled it out of the closet to wear, she felt validated in the choices she had made for him.

"Crazy relative, two o'clock," he mumbled to Meredith before nodding in the direction of an elderly man inching toward them. Derek immediately turned on a warm smile, and Meredith moved to Derek's side, lacing her fingers around his left arm as she awaited the introduction.

The man crept slowly towards them with the assistance of a large metallic cane. His face was worn and wrinkled, covered by a sprinkling of brown liver spots that emphasized his age. He was bald, with the exception of a few white hairs spiking in different directions across his scalp, and his body was frail and decrepit. Meredith was certain that the man had to be at least ninety, but she wasn't about to ask.

"Uncle Andy," Derek welcomed kindly. "It's so good to see you." Derek's warmth seemed genuine despite his earlier warning to Meredith, and he outstretched his hand to the aging man teetering before them.

"John," Andy spoke slowly, deliberately, emphasizing each consonant and vowel until they morphed into a sound that no longer resembled like the English language.

Meredith glanced awkwardly at Derek, trying to gauge his reaction.

"No, Uncle Andy. I'm Derek. John was my father," Derek explained calmly.

Andy blinked several times, as if he was trying to push this new information through his brain but couldn't get the synapses to fire fast enough. Suddenly recognition dawned on him and a large smile spread across his lips.

"Derek! You're married to the redhead," he announced, making sense of his memories.

Derek withdrew his hand from his pocket and slid his fingers around Meredith's hand. She could tell that he felt as bad about these introductions as she did, possibly worse, and he was doing the best that he could to make them bearable for both of them.

"No. Addison and I aren't married anymore. But this is Meredith, my girlfriend," Derek introduced.

"Her hair isn't red," Andy argued. His face contorted into a defiant snarl as he disagreed with the information Derek presented him.

"I know," Derek insisted. "I'm not married to the redhead anymore. This is someone else."

Meredith felt the heat creep to her face as she blushed awkwardly. If her hair couldn't be red, at least her cheeks would be.

"Ah," Andy agreed. His eyes flew up and down Meredith's figure in a way that seemed to study her body a little too closely. It was the kind of look that would get a younger guy in trouble but somehow became acceptable if a senior citizen did it. "She's young," Andy admired.

"Um, I guess," Derek mused uncomfortably as he, too, glanced over at Meredith. She hated how they were discussing her as if she wasn't even there, but she hadn't decided if this was a conversation that she wanted to be a part of yet.

"Can you tell me…is it true that they make drugs now that…you know…give you a little boost in the bedroom?" Andy inquired, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Meredith slid her hand away from Derek and bit her lower lip as she tried to choke back nervous laughter. Definitely not a conversation she wanted to be a part of. "If you'll excuse me," she interrupted, patting Derek softly on the arm as she started to turn away.

He glanced over at her quickly and winked. He was clearly jealous that she was able to escape so easily while he was stuck explaining the medical wonder drugs of the new millennium. Still, it wasn't much of an escape. The only place she really felt comfortable at the funeral home was standing by Derek. Everywhere else felt like tiptoeing around landmines, dodging the stares and tensions she associated with Derek's family. In some ways, the best company that Meredith could find was Derek's youngest nieces and nephews. At least they were too young to be judgmental.

Meredith wandered the cold halls of the funeral home, looking for a room to retreat to. Since Derek's mom's funeral was the only one being housed in the parlor this week, the rest of the premises was empty, and a separate lounge with a television was available for the kids to play in. She could hear the soft hums of a children's program and the high pitched voices of the girls.

Meredith followed the voices and discovered the small, well-lit room. Sarah sat quietly on the couch, watching as the girls played with dolls and the boys sat mesmerized by the TV program. She smiled weakly at Meredith, but as the corners of her mouth turned upward, it appeared that it was taking far more of an effort for her to do so. There was nothing warm or easy about her smile like there had been before.

_I wonder if Nancy and Kathy have gotten to her, too. _

Meredith froze at the door, fingering the smooth finish of the door frame while debating whether or not to step across the threshold. If Sarah was seeking the same relative privacy as Meredith, maybe it would be better to find another room to hide. Eventually Sarah made the decision for her.

"I've found that this room is virtually undetectable by the rest of the family. Feel free to hide out in here with me," Sarah instructed, reading Meredith's mind perfectly.

Meredith forced a smile and ambled through the room to the large, cushiony couch. Sarah sat at one end while Meredith sank into the other.

"Aunt Meredith!" Regan beamed, running towards her with her arms outstretched.

Meredith tensed a little at the sudden onslaught of interest, but she accommodated the child by scooping her up into her lap and letting her sit there momentarily. She swept Regan's long brown hair back from her face and studied the careful placement of barrettes gripping the silky strands. A citrus scent wafted towards Meredith, reminding her of the gentle cleansers used in pediatrics.

"Aunt Meredith, do you know how to sing?" Regan asked, her blue eyes wide and curious.

"Ummm, not really," Meredith replied, terrified that the child might ask her to sing songs with her.

"You should learn for Uncle Derek," Regan stated matter-of-factly.

"Uh, okay…why for Uncle Derek?" Meredith inquired, confused.

"Because of his nightmares," Regan explained in a tone that made Meredith feel like the six-year-old in the conversation.

"His nightmares?" Meredith echoed skeptically.

Sarah coughed in the background, clearly trying to choke back laughter.

"Mommy says that Uncle Derek has bad nightmares and that's why he yells so much in the bedroom."

Meredith's eyes began to bulge and her cheeks flushed a bright crimson color. She felt her heart rate escalate as she nervously started rocking the little girl on her lap. More than anything, she wanted to sink into the couch and disappear.

"I was just thinking, sometimes Mommy sings me to sleep and it helps. You could try it with Uncle Derek," Regan continued.

"I'll, um, keep that in mind," Meredith mumbled awkwardly.

"Okay," Regan replied. The little girl squirmed out of Meredith's lap and slid down to the floor, her skirt lifting in the back on the way down to reveal the seams of her white tights and kitty cat underwear. Meredith helped her smooth the corduroy skirt back into place before releasing the little girl to go play with her cousins.

Sarah sat giggling in the couch, her previously pained expression melting into something more childlike.

"Thanks," Sarah mused when she finally caught her breath. "I needed that."

Meredith crossed her arms defensively, feeling the color drain back out of her cheeks. "You're welcome, I guess. Walked right into that one," she smiled uncomfortably. She wondered how many other lies and stories had been used to cover up their loud lovemaking.

"It was the best story I could come up with," Sarah explained. "But I didn't think she'd say anything to you about it."

"That's fine," Meredith dismissed. "I'm sure I deserved that."

Sarah smiled, the apples of her cheeks rising fully with a soft pink glow. Still, there was something sad behind her eyes – something she hadn't observed before. She couldn't quite figure it out, but she noticed that Sarah was clutching her sleek black cell phone in her well-manicured hands.

Sarah followed her gaze and waved the cell phone at Meredith before fidgeting with it nervously. "I just got off the phone with my husband, Matt," she revealed. "I don't know if he's going to make it here for the funeral tomorrow after all."

"I'm sorry," Meredith responded softly. "Is it work?"

"Who knows," Sarah replied bitterly. "It's always something."

Meredith watched as the beautiful cardiothoracic surgeon who seemed to have everything paled and clenched her hands together into fists.

"It's sad, really," Sarah continued, her voice hushed so she wouldn't be overheard by the kids. "I don't know when it happened, but I don't even know if I love him anymore. It's like we coexist for the kids, but I'm starting to wonder if we should just get a divorce."

Meredith drew in a deep breath. She wondered how freely Sarah shared information like this or whether Derek had any idea that his sister felt so miserable about her marriage. She continued to listen to Sarah share her feelings.

"We used to be so crazy about each other, but that…faded or fizzled. Now all he wants to do is fuck the nanny, and he's certain that I don't know. But I do. You can just…tell," she sighed.

"He's sleeping with the nanny?" Meredith asked incredulously.

"Yeah," Sarah confirmed as she rolled her eyes. "He screws her because she's home raising my kids when I'm not. I thought I could manage having it all – the kids, the husband, the high-powered career…" Her voice trailed off, suddenly wavy and full of emotion. "It's just…not what I expected."

Meredith started rubbing her hands together nervously, massaging the fleshy palms and fidgeting with the long, bony fingers methodically as a million doubts raced through her mind. She thought that Sarah was the model of what she wanted with Derek – the living proof that you can be a woman surgeon with a family – but apparently that wasn't the case. Apparently it was much more complicated than she thought. And if Sarah, who came from a loving family, couldn't make it work, how could Meredith?

Her heart began pounding in her chest and her head was swirling in panic. She could feel her temperature rise and her skin flush as anxiety overtook her body. She wanted to get up and run – quickly – but she was out of ideas on where to go. She had already escaped from one room. The unfamiliar parlor wouldn't offer too many other promising possibilities.

_Don't panic, Mere…deep breaths…_

Sarah glanced over at Meredith quizzically, trying to read her tense body language. Her features softened, and she lightly caressed Meredith's shoulder sympathetically. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have dumped all of that on you. God, you must feel so uncomfortable being here. As if there wasn't enough going on," she apologized.

"No, I'm not…it's okay…you can talk. It sounded like you needed to…" Meredith stammered, scrambling for some way to explain her bizarre, panicked behavior to the sibling who seemed to know Derek best.

"Still, I'm sure you have enough on your mind with Derek," Sarah observed. "Are things still okay with you two?"

"Um, yeah, I guess. I mean, I think so. Have you heard something?" Meredith questioned, on edge yet again.

"No," Sarah immediately replied, surprised by her reaction. "I'm just…prying, I suppose. I never hear the end of how crazy he is about you. I have to admit that I'm surprised he hasn't proposed yet."

_He has._

Meredith averted Sarah's gaze, unable to give any sort of honest reaction to the comment. She would just wait patiently for the conversation topic to shift or the couch to swallow her up and hope that Sarah didn't notice how evasive Meredith was being.

"Or…maybe you guys aren't planning marriage any time soon and I should just shut up and mind my own business," Sarah sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm just looking for a distraction, you know?"

"Yeah…no…we, um…it's possible. I mean, we've talked about it," _and I'm usually a bumbling idiot about it just like I am now. _"It could happen… maybe… eventually… soon, I guess."

"Maybe eventually soon you guess?" Sarah repeated as a smile spread across her cranberry colored lips. "You don't sound terribly confident," she observed.

"I'm not," Meredith whispered. She rubbed her fingers back and forth against the starchy taupe-colored fabric on the arm of the sofa, silently assessing how much effort it would take to tear it apart and burrow inside. "It's…complicated."

"I see," Sarah replied, pursing her lips together as she fumbled with how to maintain a conversation. "Well, I know my brother pretty well, so if you ever want to talk… I wouldn't say anything to him about it," Sarah offered shyly.

Meredith studied Derek's sister carefully, analyzing her kind features for the smallest hint of future betrayal. She wanted to talk to someone about Derek. She was desperate for some sort of honest advice or an opportunity to share her feelings, and she knew that she couldn't depend on Cristina or Mark for the kind of feedback she needed. Cristina couldn't tell her how to sustain a serious relationship with Derek, nor would she want to get involved. And Mark was inherently uncomfortable intervening with Meredith and Derek. He would do it if he thought it was necessary, but he wasn't exactly the go-to-guy for advice. But Sarah seemed like a decent candidate. She understood the demands of a medical career and the idiosyncrasies that made Derek who he is. If Meredith wanted honest advice and some confirmation that she was either dead right or certifiably insane, Sarah was likely to give it.

Meredith smiled nervously and nodded. "Yeah, thanks. I appreciate that," she acknowledged as insecurity and doubt weighed against the bravery she needed to open up to someone else. Talking sounded so good in theory. It was the act of going through with it that was the obstacle. She bit her lip, trying to summon the will to speak. "Um…kids…" she managed, unwilling to attempt polysyllabic words just yet.

Sarah looked around the room, making sure that the kids were all accounted for and occupied. Concern emanated from her eyes before mutating into confusion as she returned to Meredith. "Kids?" she repeated.

"Derek wants kids," Meredith announced.

"Oh," Sarah nodded, confusion alleviated. "And you don't?"

"I don't know," Meredith admitted. "Maybe…eventually…"

"Maybe eventually soon?" Sarah teased.

Meredith grimaced as she heard her words lobbed back at her. "No, not soon. Definitely not soon," she argued.

"So what's the problem?" Sarah inquired gently.

"Well…what if I can't have kids? Or what if I have kids with him, and we can't make it work? What if I'm an awful mother? Or I can't give him what he wants and he…" _leaves. _Meredith sighed loudly, not feeling substantially less overwhelmed after divulging so many secret fears.

"Yeah, all of those are possibilities," Sarah stated matter-of-factly. "I won't lie to you and sugar coat things. People change. Life can be disappointing sometimes. But it's not like you're the only person who has ever felt that way. You can't just give up on my brother because of a bunch of what-ifs."

Meredith pulled her legs up onto the couch and laced her fingers around her knees protectively. She hadn't expected such a straightforward response.

"I get that I'm not exactly the relationship expert right now, but you can learn from my mistakes. There are no guarantees. Ever. And marriage takes work – a lot of work – especially when kids get thrown in the equation. Matt and I – we didn't work hard enough. We reached a point where we didn't really work at all, and if I thought there was something there worth saving, I would probably fight harder. But we can't keep it together for fifteen more years until the kids are grown up and out of the house. I just…I don't want that. Not after his affairs. And the kids don't need that. They don't need any of this mess," Sarah voiced sadly. "But Derek," she continued, more resolute. "You and Derek can work. And Derek is loyal – much more so than Matt. He won't cheat on you. He still believes in the fairy tale and the happily ever after," Sarah insisted.

"But he did cheat…on Addison…with me…" Meredith argued.

Sarah shrugged her shoulders and shook her head from side to side as if weighing the possible responses. "I guess, but she cheated on him first," she retorted.

Meredith wasn't sure that was a good enough explanation. She wasn't certain that she could trust him to always be there and never stray, especially as she pursued her career or had children. Certainly he hadn't expected Addison to cheat, and he tried to stay faithful to her anyway. But Sarah said it herself. _People change. There are no guarantees._

"Look, Derek was devastated when he found Addison with Mark. It destroyed him for a while, but in the end, it was just a reality check. His marriage was over long before that happened. Deep down, he knew that. Addison knew that. We _all_ knew that. We were just waiting for there to be a reason to acknowledge it. To be honest, I think it's good for Derek that his marriage ended, and if his conversations with me are any indication, I think it's even better that he found you. He's different now. He's happier and more optimistic than I've seen him years – maybe ever. You have to be the reason for that. I don't know what else could be," Sarah explained thoughtfully. She tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear as she waited for Meredith to react or respond. Her face was serious, and she seemed determined to convince Meredith not to give up on Derek. The bond they shared was obvious, and Sarah certainly would defend him no matter what.

Meredith wondered if that loyalty was typical for siblings, or if it was special to Derek and Sarah. She didn't have the connection with Lexie to know for sure.

Meredith slowly nodded after a few silent moments. She didn't want to leave Derek, and she didn't want to hurt him. She didn't think that she could handle breaking up with him, and while the uncertain future was absolutely terrifying, it was much less scary than breaking up. If she needed to commit to him to keep them together, she decided she would. She couldn't avoid it forever, and it was clear that she was running out of alternative options.

"Okay," she finally voiced weakly. "Okay."

"Just – whatever you do with Derek, don't hurt him. Please," Sarah urged, not detecting any shift in Meredith's commitment.

"I'll try not to," Meredith replied genuinely.

"He's really vulnerable right now, even though he pretends not to be sometimes, and he'll always try to be the better guy. Don't let him get away with sabotaging his own interests to do the right thing. He doesn't always know what that is." She used her hands as she talked, placing "right thing" in air quotes as she instructed Meredith on how to proceed.

She clearly knew Derek incredibly well.

Meredith's thoughts drifted to the conversations she had shared with Derek over the past couple days, his voice echoing through her mind.

_Getting engaged to you was the best thing that has happened to me in…forever. It's the best thing, period. Please don't make me lose that, too… _He had begged her in a moment of complete desperation and vulnerability, and she said no – not because it was what she wanted, but because she thought she needed to protect him.

_Don't you understand? I don't want you to wear the ring just to make me happy. I want you to wear it because it's what you want…Maybe it was a mistake that I proposed. I thought you were ready, but maybe…maybe you're not there yet._ He was being the better guy by letting her off the hook. _She_ was sabotaging their engagement, and he was letting her. It wasn't a mistake. It was just bad timing.

"I know exactly what you mean," Meredith murmured as the many past examples of his efforts to do the right thing reverberated in her mind. She needed to talk to him. She was feeling brave and determined and she couldn't waste that moment by sitting on the couch and talking to Sarah. She needed to go to him and tell him that she didn't care about waiting and she didn't think anything about their relationship was a mistake – not anymore. She wanted this, and she would work for it if it's what he wanted, too. But she was in. This was it for her.

"I should probably go find him," Meredith announced as she stood up and straightened her blouse that had risen up slightly in back while she sat. "Thanks, though, for talking to me. Really. This has been helpful," she acknowledged gratefully as she made her way to the door.

"No problem," Sarah answered as she turned her attention casually back towards the children. She forced a smile even though she clearly felt battle-worn and weary from all of the tumult of the funeral and her own failing marriage. Still, she radiated strength – a trait that seemed almost genetic among the Shepherd siblings.

As Meredith wandered the hall back towards the main viewing area, she wondered how difficult it would be to pull Derek away and talk to him – to really talk to him. Not the casual small talk that was being made in the funeral home, but the sit down, serious conversation that required communication skills neither had quite perfected yet. She had to do this. She needed to do it, and it couldn't wait.

Meredith's steps became larger and faster paced as she made her way to the room listening for the sound of his voice among the hushed conversations and twinkling music. She immediately stopped and scanned the room as she reached the doorway, searching for his familiar face among the scattered clusters of people only to realize that he wasn't there. Her expression immediately fell with disappointment, and her resolve started to melt. _Where could he be?_

Anna briefly smiled and waved at Meredith, inviting her further into the room in the process.

"Hey, have you seen Derek?" Meredith asked as she approached the youngest sister. She was relieved to see a friendly face and not have to ask the same question of Kathy or Nancy.

"He went off somewhere with Mark a little while ago. I haven't seen him. I can't imagine he went far, though," Anna assured Meredith.

"Okay," Meredith said sadly. The conversation would have to wait until he returned.

Meredith slumped in the chair beside Anna, hoping that she wouldn't have to wait too long. They had already waited long enough, and she finally needed to admit that to Derek. She hoped that it was exactly what he needed to hear.


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Note: Sorry for the delay – I've been fighting with this chapter for a while. Hopefully things will move forward more quickly now that it's done. Also, I know that I'm behind on responding to reviews, but I was scared that I would give out too many story spoilers if I answered right away. I'll catch up soon, though. I promise. Thanks again for all of the support and encouragement! You guys seriously rock! **

Derek shifted uncomfortably in front of his Great Uncle Andy, listening to the old man prattle on through stories that, at their best, were completely incoherent. Repeatedly throughout the conversation, the man shifted into calling Derek by his father's name, and while Derek tried his best to be polite and cordial, his patience was waning. He was desperately searching for a non-obvious means of ending the conversation. On the other hand, if Derek just turned around and left, he wasn't sure that his great uncle would even notice. Andy was so lost in his own world marked by the deterioration of his mental capacities and the onset of dementia that Derek couldn't feel too guilty about needing a way out.

Mark ambled into the room casually, moving in rhythmic strides towards where Derek stood. As soon as he came within a few feet, however, he stopped and allowed a large grin to stretch across his lips. He was all too familiar with Uncle Andy after being roped into conversations at past family gatherings. There was no chance he would voluntarily stumble into another one.

Derek's eyes bulged with desperation, begging his friend to rescue him, but Mark just stood behind the old man and laughed silently, pointing and snickering and rolling his eyes at the predicament Derek was in. While Derek felt confident that Mark would be his savior soon enough, it wouldn't be until after a few moments of teasing. When it was finally too much for even Mark to handle watching, he swooped in and pulled Derek away, claiming that he was needed outside for a few minutes.

Derek sighed with relief, grateful that his friend interceded, even if it took much longer than he hoped. He practically raced out the door of the parlor and onto the front steps of the funeral home. The fresh air, though cool, felt good to Derek. It was a great contrast from the stale, dry air that smelled of lilac-scented air fresheners, assorted flower arrangements, and death.

"I thought you were going to leave me hanging in there forever," Derek accused.

"I didn't want to interrupt the conversation," Mark teased. "You looked so enthralled."

"Perhaps I would have been if I had been able to follow the guy's train of thought. We jumped from talking about Viagra to discussing the women he dated during World War II to what a bad president Richard Nixon is – not _was_, but _is_," Derek recounted. "And he kept calling me John and asking about my red-headed wife. It was bad."

"I see," Mark grinned. "Sorry I missed it."

"She called, you know," Derek confessed as he changed the subject. His eyes lost their mischievous sparkle and dimmed to a dark and stormy blue. His whole posture slouched as he leaned against the railing on the front steps, taking in the overcast sky. It looked like it might rain soon.

"She called…Addison? _She_ called?" Mark asked, deducing which _she_ he was referring to. His body tensed as he waited for more information, and his mood shifted from completely playful to gravely serious.

"Yeah, this morning. Apparently my sisters invited her to the funeral," Derek explained bitterly. He still hadn't found a good opportunity to discuss the issue with Nancy and Kathy, and the more he thought about them going behind his back, the more frustrated and agitated he became.

"Is she coming?" Mark asked nervously.

"No, I told her that I didn't think that it would be a good idea," Derek replied quickly, sensing how much the subject was making Mark uncomfortable. He generally tried to avoid discussing Addison with Mark, but right now, he needed an opportunity to vent. "Not with you and Meredith here and everything. I didn't want any more drama," he explained.

"Good," Mark sighed with relief. "I think that's the right call," he affirmed more confidently.

"Can you believe they called her without asking me first, though? They have no idea what terms I'm on with her – or what terms _you_ are on for that matter. Or Meredith. To think they would have brought her here…" His voice trailed off with annoyance as he shook his head.

"I can't say that I'm surprised," Mark mused. "They like to meddle. They always have."

"I guess," Derek stormed. "I just…" He inhaled deeply, trying to quell the anger that was building. "I really wish they would just accept that it's over and that I'm with Meredith now," he said sadly.

Mark nodded, shifting his weight from his left foot to his right and back again as if he were weighing options in his head. Eventually he leaned towards Derek, half-conspiratorially.

"You know, I think that Meredith heard us talking about her last night," he spoke.

Derek's eyes widened with surprise. "What? What were you saying?" he demanded to know.

"Nancy and Kathy were being…well, they were being Nancy and Kathy, grilling me all about your relationship," Mark confessed.

"And what did you tell them?" Derek inquired. His voice was much more urgent than before.

"Don't worry," Mark assured. "I was in your corner, but I'm concerned that Meredith may have heard more than she wanted to from them. They weren't overly enthusiastic about your relationship."

Derek sighed and raised his hands up to his temples, massaging them as he squeezed his eyes shut. "Well, that explains why she's certain they hate her," he grumbled. "What did they say exactly?"

"Um, typical stuff mostly. She's too young, they miss Addie, midlife crisis…" Mark stopped rattling off the reasons they had not to like Meredith. While Nancy and Kathy had cited many others, a few reasons would be enough to send Derek into a defensive fury. He didn't need to go overboard.

"Jesus. Midlife crisis? Seriously?" Derek barked.

Mark frowned and nodded. It was clear from his posture that he was uncomfortable divulging too many other details about the conversation, but every hint of body language confirmed Derek's fears that Meredith may have glimpsed the completely judgmental and overprotective sides of the two older sisters.

"Well, I guess I should talk to them about this too. Dammit," Derek fumed. He had desperately hoped that Meredith's meeting with his family would go much more smoothly than this, but as each stress-filled day passed, he realized that they would be relentless in driving her away until he said something. He couldn't let them continue to dictate his relationships anymore, not with Addison, and certainly not with Meredith.

"Do you want me to say anything to them about it?" Mark offered. He had often been an intermediary between the siblings when tensions ran high. Now was no exception.

"No, no," Derek answered. "I need to do this myself."

Mark's head bobbed up and down solemnly in agreement. "Well, I'm going to go back inside, I guess. Let me know, though…if you need anything."

"Sure," Derek responded. "Actually, if you see Nance or Kath, could you send them out?"

"Okay," Mark answered. He spun back towards the front door of the funeral home and turned the metallic door knob to go back inside.

Derek shoved his hands deep inside his pockets and began pacing the front porch that extended the length of the funeral home. He noticed that a few of the wooden boards at one end creaked as he stood on them, but the sound provided a pleasant distraction from the dark places his thoughts were trailing. There were so many things to be angry about this week before the issues of Addison and Meredith even cropped up. Now, the fury and despair were becoming unbearable.

The front door swung open again and Nancy stepped quietly on the porch, trying to finagle her arms down the sleeves of her coat in the process. The temperature was crisp, and Derek could see her warm breath vaporize as it hit the air. Her eyes were tired and sad, and although she tried to smile at him as she approached, he could tell that she was as battle-worn and weary as he was. It certainly made it harder to fight, no matter how badly he wanted to.

Derek turned and leaned against the front rail of the porch, hovering over a place that creaked every time he shifted his weight back and forth from one leg to the other. He needed some time to gather his thoughts and formulate another plan of attack. Clearly yelling and screaming wouldn't be effective.

"Hey," Nancy spoke softly as she leaned into her younger brother's shoulder.

"Hey," Derek echoed, still unsure what more to say.

"Mark said you wanted to talk to me?" she invited.

"Yeah," he responded. "I do."

"Okay," she waited. She raised her eyebrows expectantly and studied Derek's face, searching for some preview of what was to come.

"I talked to Addison this morning," he finally offered.

"Oh," she sighed. Her eyes shot down towards the landing on the other side of the porch where remnants of flowers killed by a fall freeze laid against the soil.

"I wish you would have asked me before you invited her out here," Derek continued calmly.

Nancy nodded and shrugged, obviously agreeing with the reasonable comments her brother forwarded. "Yeah, I probably should have. Is she coming?"

"No," Derek responded. "It just didn't seem like a good idea."

"I see," Nancy threw back bitterly. "Of course."

"Oh, Nancy, what the hell does that mean?" he snapped. The boards of the patio creaked beneath him like a rusty swing on a playground as he paced away from his older sister.

"Maybe I didn't invite Addison out here for _you_. Maybe it was for _me_, you know? I _get_ that things are over between you two and that you've moved on with Meredith – I'd have to be an idiot _not_ to get that – but Addie was a part of this family for a long time, Derek. She's like a sister to me, and I _miss_ her. I just…I wanted to be with my family this week. I _need_ my family," Nancy choked. A steady stream of tears flowed from her eyes as she argued with Derek, and her whole body was shaking from the combination of emotion and cold.

Derek's tense posture softened in sadness as he watched his normally cool sibling crumble. He reached over and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her into a warm, soothing hug.

"I'm sorry, Nance," he sighed as he kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back gently. "I didn't…I…I'm sorry," he stammered. His vision blurred beneath a haze of regret-filled tears that he tried desperately to blink back. He had always looked up to his older sisters as if they were second and third moms to him. Now, seeing how much they seemed to share his pain, he knew that he needed to be strong for them as well – that he couldn't count on them to be the pillars right now.

Nancy pulled away from him and folded her arms in front of her chest, tucking her hands against the black wool of her coat. "I know I should've talked to you first, but I _knew_ that you'd never agree. And I thought once she got here, it would be easier to straighten things out – once you saw how happy we were to have her back…"

"But Nancy, she's not in our family now. And she won't be – she _can't_ be. She's gone, out of my life, and I'm moving on. I need you to do that, too. _Please_," he pleaded.

"God, you make it sound like _she's _the one that died," Nancy hissed, catching Derek completely off guard.

He gasped at the accusation and felt the anger billowing up again, rising inside him like a volcano that had been bubbling at the surface for years, threatening to erupt.

"You may have moved on, Derek," Nancy continued, "but we haven't. There is no reason that Addison can't still be our friend. Your marital problems don't affect the fact that she was like a sister to me. And we all make mistakes. Every single-fucking-one of us. But you act like Addison is some social pariah…"

"She fucking slept with Mark!"

"A mistake many have made, but what about _you_? What did _you_ do to save your marriage before or _after_ that happened? The woman chased you all the way across the country, sacrificing her practice and all of us to try to make things work, and you just couldn't forgive her. Or maybe you didn't want to. Maybe you were too preoccupied with your doting intern…"

"Stop! This needs to end. You don't know…" Derek fumed. He could feel his blood pressure escalating, the hot, red cells coursing through his veins.

"Look, I don't know what happened between you two. You don't talk to us anymore, and I won't speculate about it, but dammit, Derek. We had a family, and you and Addison were a big part of that, and now it's like we don't even know each other. I don't even know if we _want _to know each other," she sobbed angrily.

"Now what does _that_ mean?" Derek argued. He suddenly felt defensive. A childhood's worth of the scolding by his older sisters flooded to mind, making him feel like he was four years old again, and Nancy was the older, wiser eight year old.

"When was the last time you visited us? Or called?"

"You came to Seattle," he explained. "Uninvited, I might add."

"Okay, yeah. I hunted you down because you were being so withdrawn and evasive. But how about us? When was the last time you took an interest in us?" she pointed out.

Derek's brow furrowed with agitation as he tried to come up with a reasonable explanation of his behavior. _I've been busy with work and Meredith and my divorce and…_ None of those seemed like good enough justifications right now, particularly as he considered that he was standing at a funeral parlor that hosted his mother's body. It was the first time he had seen most of his family in well over a year, and the only reason he was there at all was because of the funeral. He didn't have any other specific plans to visit, and he wasn't sure exactly how many weeks or months had passed since his last conversation with Nancy or Kathy or even Anna, for that matter. The only sister he talked to with any consistency was Sarah.

And that realization felt like being punched in the stomach. Repeatedly.

"I'm not saying this to make you angry or upset – really, I'm not. But Derek, this family _needs_ you. We _love _you. And quite frankly, I'm worried about where we're headed now that Mom's gone. How are we going to keep things together? How can we keep our family together _without_ her when we could barely manage _with_ her?" Nancy voice cracked with emotion, emphasizing the intensity of her feelings.

"I'm…I'm sorry," Derek stammered, still reeling from the guilt heaved upon him. "I'll be better at keeping in touch. I promise. I love you guys – you know that I do – it's been a really hard year, and I know that's not an excuse, but it's the best that I can do."

"I know. I know," Nancy soothed. "And I know that you don't mean to shut us out – you never _mean_ to shut us out – but I _know_ you, Derek. You'll make all of these promises and guarantees, but you're going back to Seattle. In a few weeks you'll be back into your routine with work and with Meredith, and you won't even think about us. We'll stop having Christmases or reunions together, and we'll only do the superficial chats on birthdays."

Derek huffed angrily at the prediction, but deep down, he knew that she was probably right. As much as he loved and cared about his sisters, his mom had always been the rallying force behind their get-togethers. It was hard to imagine anyone ever being able to take that place.

"So what do you want me to do – move back home?" Derek grumbled, resigned to his inevitable repeated failure.

"Yeah, actually," Nancy retorted.

Derek looked up, meeting her blue eyes with his to determine whether or not she was serious.

She was.

"What? I can't…I just got promoted, and Meredith…" he floundered.

"You'd be a lock for a chief position out here, too. And Meredith can transfer," Nancy suggested. "Look, there's always a million excuses not to do it, but Derek, don't you understand? We _need_ you here. You're the bridge between Kathy and me and Sarah and Anna. They're not going to come home if you're not here."

"I don't know…" Derek muttered as a stress-induced headache started grinding against his forehead. He quickly lifted his fingers to his temples, rubbing hastily at the tension that never seemed to dissipate long enough.

"You could take the house – I'm sure that everyone would agree on that. You'd have the lake and be close to the city. You and Meredith could live here if that's what you want," she lobbied. She was swaying back and forth and massaging her hands together briskly in an effort to keep warm.

"I don't know, Nance," he sputtered, his voice laced with conflict. "I need to think about it. I'll need to talk to Meredith."

"Okay, but…"

"But what?" he replied.

"Nothing," she mumbled.

"No, tell me," he insisted.

She gazed at him apprehensively, wondering if she was going too far. "I don't know…I was just thinking…What happens if Meredith doesn't want to move? What if she wants to stay in Seattle?" Nancy challenged.

Derek's pulse raced at the possibility.

"I…I don't know. I haven't even had time to process the idea. I can't speculate how Meredith will handle it," he responded honestly. _Well, I probably can speculate her reaction, but we'll deal with that later._

"Oh," Nancy's voice lifted with surprise. "I see," she expressed bitterly.

"Nancy…you just suggested this…you can't expect me to know all of the answers yet. This is a big decision," Derek defended.

"I know it's big. I just didn't realize that you and Meredith were so serious that you'd potentially turn us down for her," Nancy explained.

"I didn't even say that. But we're serious. I think we are," he replied, unable to hide the lingering insecurity he felt about Meredith's willingness to commit. He contemplated telling Nancy about the proposal, but resisted. He didn't want to endure another round of lectures about how poor his decision-making abilities had been over the past year. He didn't think he could handle that right now.

"Well…okay, I guess," Nancy stated like a child who had just been rejected by her best friend. The sadness flooded her face again, highlighting the frown lines and small wrinkles cascading the corners of her eyes.

Nancy retreated back inside, leaving Derek to wallow alone. He needed some time to process everything before he faced all of them again. The enormity of the decision confronting him made him nauseous. Family had always been important to him, and the hardest part about moving to Seattle was leaving them behind and being so far away. It was the first time he had ever lived more than two hours from home for any great length of time. But the transition solved itself when he met Meredith, and while he regretted ignoring his family so much in the aftermath of his marriage, he rationalized his decisions by telling himself that once everything was settled, he would have a lifetime to reconnect with his family and make up for lost time.

Now time felt in far too short supply.

He could leave Seattle. He didn't necessarily want to, but it was doable. He was a world-renowned neurosurgeon. If anything, Seattle Grace needed _him_ more than he _needed_ Seattle Grace. He was certain that he could eventually get a job as a chief of surgery anywhere, including at any number of major metropolitan hospitals on the east coast. His ties extended back there for years, and with the right amount of finesse, he could probably secure a top-notch residency for Meredith as well. It wouldn't be hard. And while his land in Seattle was amazing, his mother's house in Connecticut had many of the same benefits and then some. He could make it happen if his family needed him to do it. The only question was how Meredith would factor into the equation.

Derek hunched forward, lacing his fingers together around the nape of his neck and pulling down against the base of his skull. The short strands of hair tickled the fingers that slid towards his ears, and he felt the muscles stretch as he rocked his head forward and back against his cold hands. He couldn't believe that he was even considering the idea of leaving Seattle after the many brutal months spent reconstructing his love life. But as his thoughts turned towards his sisters and the prospect of permanently saying goodbye to the house that he grew up in – the place that held so many memories of his sisters, his mother, and his father – the decision seemed more rational. The emotional ties he felt to them clouded his judgment, and the need to persuade Meredith to consider the prospect seemed much more urgent.

Maybe she felt some nostalgia for her time at Dartmouth or would follow him blindly on faith.

He shook his head, quickly dismissing those thoughts. It was going to be a tough battle to convince Meredith to give up Seattle and move to Connecticut with him, particularly when she couldn't relate to his sense of family. It was an area of their lives where they didn't have much in common. It wasn't anybody's fault, but he knew that it would take a lot of effort on everyone's part to make Meredith feel like she belonged with the Shepherds. He was pessimistic that one week – especially this week – would be enough.

But he needed this.

And Meredith could choose to be a part of that. It would be her choice. If she was in the relationship as firmly as she claimed to be, then she would understand. If their relationship was truly destined to be, she would move for him.

As the sun dipped beneath clouds and trees, Derek suddenly became aware of how numb his hands were starting to feel from the chilly air. He had been outside for nearly an hour, lost in thoughts and conversations. He needed to go back inside, if not to warm up, then to talk to Meredith and support the rest of his family. He reluctantly abandoned the safe solitude of the porch, and walked back inside.

The crowd of extended family members dissipated as it neared the dinner break. From the few voices he heard in the parlor, only immediate family members remained.

Derek crept slowly through the hall, choosing to enter the rear door of the main room rather than the entrance near his mother's casket. He could use the few extra seconds to gather his thoughts, he rationalized. He felt the blood resume circulation through his fingers as he kneaded his hands together nervously, but it was not enough to offset the general malaise he felt as he dreaded the possible landmines approaching.Suggesting that they leave Seattle was going to be a tough sell.

Derek hovered in the doorway, scanning the room quickly to locate Meredith. She had escaped earlier, but certainly she would have found her way back by now. Almost immediately, his eyes fell upon her lithe form talking to Anna near the front. They both seemed relaxed, and for a brief moment, all of Derek's anxiety faded away.

He could convince her. They were meant to be together.

He walked confidently towards her, watching as she remained lost in conversation with Anna, completely oblivious to his presence.

Maybe her new connections to his sisters would make the transition easier.

"Hey," he interrupted, clearing his throat as he broke into the conversation.

Meredith looked up at him, surprised.

"Hey," she grinned. "You disappeared."

"I'm back," he nodded.

"I went off and talked to Sarah for a while, and when I got back here, you were gone," Meredith pouted.

"Just needed some fresh air. Can we, um…"

"Can we talk for a few minutes?" Meredith asked, seeming to read his mind. He had no idea that she had a newfound agenda of her own.

She stood up and faced him, wearing a lop-sided smile as she feathered her fingers over his collarbone and wiped away a piece of lint that had landed on his dark shirt. Her eyes sparkled a brilliantly mesmerizing jade color and never left his gaze.

"I was about to ask you the same thing," he replied. He reached for her hand and laced his fingers with hers, squeezing them gently as he absorbed her warm touch.

"Good," she answered. She nodded a quick "see you later" towards Anna and followed Derek towards the door.

"It's almost five, and we have to be back at seven. Do you want to go get some food or something?" he suggested as they neared the coat room by the main entrance.

"Okay. I'm sure you've been desperately craving pizza and probably have some favorite local joint that you're anxious to take me to," she teased light-heartedly, clearly in a much better mood overall and seemingly oblivious to Derek's newest source of anxiety.

"Um, if by local pizza joint you're suggesting Pizza Hut, then sure, I think we can find something," Derek replied as he took her coat off the hanger and held it out for her.

Meredith slipped her arms through the sleeves before lifting her hair out from under the collar. He couldn't remember the last time she had been in such a good mood. She was practically beaming with positive energy, and the flirtiness continued as she watched him put his own coat on and helped him adjust his plaid wool scarf for the cold outdoors.

"Pizza Hut it is. Lead the way," she ordered. "I'm starving."

He smiled back at her and slipped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him.

He hoped that they would be in this good of a mood when they returned from dinner, but as he mentally rehearsed the conversation he would be initiating, he knew, deep down, that they wouldn't be.


	21. Chapter 21

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked cautiously as she watched Derek navigate their rental car through the streets of New Canaan. Her expression was furrowed with concern as she observed him clench the steering wheel tightly and stare straight ahead as if he was on automatic pilot.

"I'm fine," Derek responded half-heartedly. He gave her a reassuring smile to emphasize his response, but she could tell that it was more forced than genuine. The corners of his eyes weren't turning up like they normally did when he smiled at her.

"You're sure," Meredith reiterated.

"Yeah. I'm fine," he insisted. "Tired, maybe."

Meredith nodded, still skeptical. She wasn't entirely confident in her ability to read Derek, but right now she was almost certain that he was holding back on something. He was concentrating far too hard, and it wasn't on his driving.

"Did you want to go somewhere else for dinner? I'm not wedded to pizza or anything," she offered, wondering if that was the cause of the distraction.

"No, pizza sounds good," he agreed. His voice was flat and apathetic.

"Okay," Meredith agreed. _Cold. Definitely cold. What else could he be thinking about…_ "Are you upset about Addison? She can come if you want, you know. I'd be okay with that."

Derek turned and caught her gaze, a flicker of surprise emanating from his eyes. _Warmer…_

"No, I don't want her to come, Mere. I haven't changed my mind," Derek reassured. He ran his fingers through his hair, feathering the sides before rubbing the back of his head as he often did when he was tired or frustrated.

"Did you talk to your sisters about it?" Meredith prodded as she followed the clues Derek's body language exposed to her.

Derek sighed, turning his attention back to the road as they approached the main drive with a strip of restaurants. A red sign for the Pizza Hut glowed against the darkening sky.

_Hot. Definitely getting hot…_

"I talked to Nancy," he explained, hesitating a little between each word. He looked like he was going to continue, but he stopped, closing his mouth and nodding as if that was the extent of his thoughts on the matter. Subject closed.

"You talked to Nancy," she echoed. _And?_

Derek grimaced and momentarily ignored the comment so he could make the left turn into the Pizza Hut parking lot. The traffic in this stretch of town was heavy around five o'clock, but the parking lot was still fairly empty. The dinner rush wouldn't start for at least another hour. At least they'd have a little privacy in the restaurant.

"Um…Yeah. You know. It was what it was. I'll tell you more about it when we get inside."

Meredith nodded, still concerned. Her brain flowed with a million different possible reasons Nancy could have given Derek to hate her. She didn't trust Nancy at all, and she tensed up as she anticipated the conversation to follow. Whatever was distracting Derek couldn't be good, otherwise he would have spilled it already.

Derek parked the car and opened his door, seemingly anxious to get out and move. Meredith immediately followed. The sooner they could get inside and seated, the sooner she could figure out what she needed to defend against.

The restaurant was empty but for a young family of four sitting in a back corner. A waitress quickly greeted Meredith and Derek and led them to a booth at the opposite corner of the room, far away from distraction and noise. Derek smiled politely at the server, giving his subliminal approval to their seating placement before sliding into the red vinyl seat.

"So, Nancy…" Meredith continued, not willing to wait for him to bring it up again."Didn't you have something you wanted to talk about?" Derek suggested, trying to change the subject.

Meredith shrugged and shook her head, dismissing her plans completely. She couldn't think as long as she knew that Derek was keeping something from her, and she wanted to be as coherent as possible when she told Derek she was willing to marry him.

"Let's order first," Derek decided before pulling his menu in front of him to study it as if it were instructions on an advanced cutting-edge medical procedure rather than a list of topping combinations.

"I already know what I want," Meredith replied.

"And that would be…?" he replied, still not looking up from his menu.

"Large deep dish with pepperoni, sausage and onions," she explained.

"No onions. Large?"

"For the leftovers."

"We have a ton of food back at the house," Derek argued.

"Gourmet stuff that Will made, not snacks to eat at three in the morning," she fired back.

"You'd get up at three for a slice of pizza? That's gross," Derek teased.

"Says the man who has admitted to sneaking away to eat my strawberry ice cream in the middle of the night," she argued.

"It happens rarely, and it's a good source of dairy," he defended.

"Pizza has cheese. Good source of calcium. Also dairy."

Derek laughed. "Fine, you win."

They sat in uncomfortable silence for what seemed like much longer than thirty seconds before Meredith finally spoke.

"So…Nancy?" she hesitated.

"Nancy," Derek sighed in defeat. "We talked for a while actually."

Meredith pushed her hair back behind her ears, subconsciously preparing herself to listen attentively to every syllable.

"I know I don't talk about my family much," he continued. "But they're really important to me. It's good to be able to see everyone."

_Oh god. I don't fit in. It's good to be able to see everyone, but…_

Meredith placed her hands in her lap so she could fidget with them under the table. He was making her incredibly nervous, and it was going to take all of her efforts to conceal that from him.

"I've missed them, you know? I haven't seen them in over a year," he explained, setting Meredith up for the fall.

Meredith cleared her throat and scanned the room for the bathroom. She needed an escape route if things got really bad.

"I can tell that you guys are close," she affirmed.

"Yeah, we are. Not as close as we once were, and maybe not as close as I'd like us to be, but there's…a bond. We have a lot of history, you know?"

"Sure," Meredith agreed. _History? What does that even mean? _

"I love you, Meredith. You're amazing, and I really want to make you a part of this family. I know it will take a while before you feel comfortable with them – I get that – but they really are great people. You're not exactly seeing them at their best this week, but believe me. Once you get to know them, you'll love them. I promise. Just…don't judge on this week alone. We're having a tough time right now," Derek explained.

Meredith relaxed a little and reached across the table for Derek's hand. "Is that what you guys talked about?" she asked as she wrapped her fingers around his. "You're worried that I'm going to judge them unfairly?"

"A little, maybe. It sucks, I know. This whole situation is shitty and you've been awesome for putting up with all of us this week. Mark told me what you overheard last night," Derek acknowledged.

"Oh. That," Meredith replied sheepishly. "Not exactly a high point of the trip."

"Just give it some time," Derek suggested.

"Okay, I'll try," Meredith responded. Her body relaxed against the smooth vinyl, slipping slightly lower into the seat as she succumbed to the exhaustion of being constantly on edge. It felt so good to be in neutral territory alone with Derek. She could relax and be her self without worrying about being judged.

The waitress came and took their orders, paving the way for at least a few moments of uninterrupted conversation as the waited for their food. But Derek still seemed distant as he gazed around the restaurant actively seeking some sort of distraction.

"They have a jukebox," he noted. "I didn't know restaurants still had those."

"I could pick out some songs for you," Meredith suggested. She could sense that he was still stressed, and she wanted to cheer him up.

Derek smirked, imagining the combination of Meredith's choices and the likely songs available. He knew she would choose the sappiest or most ridiculous songs possible as a joke. It was her style.

"That's okay. I don't think I have any quarters," Derek replied.

"C'mon. We could be bringing sexy back," she teased as she continued to recite lyrics likely to be dubbed over on the jukebox version of the song.

"Um, no. I don't think so," he replied quickly. The song was the center of a long-standing argument between the two of them as to whether or not Derek could endorse a song by a former Backstreet Boy. He thought that it threatened his 80s punk band credibility too much to admit liking it, though he secretly did, and she knew it.

"Dirty babe," Meredith continued, half speaking and half singing. "You see these shackles baby I'm your slave…"

"See, we don't even need the jukebox," he joked.

"I'll let you whip me if I misbehave…" Although she sang quietly so that no one else could hear her, her voice was particularly off key as she tried not to giggle.

"Oh god, make it stop," Derek laughed. "You. Are. Adorable. But you can't sing," he teased.

"Really? Because Regan suggested that I should try singing to you," Meredith responded.

He stared at her, a blank and confused look stretched across his face.

"To help with the nightmares," she explained.

"What nightmares?"

"The ones that cause you to moan in the middle of the night," Meredith clarified. She raised her eyebrows suggestively, clueing him into her secret code.

"The…Ohhhh…._Those_ nightmares," he responded. His eyes were large and his voice lilted as he recognized exactly what she was referring to.

"Apparently Sarah sings to Regan when she has bad dreams, and she thought I should try that for you," Meredith recounted.

"She obviously hasn't heard you sing before," Derek teased.

Meredith stuck her tongue out at Derek playfully just as the waitress started heading in their direction.

"Here are your drinks," the waitress interrupted as she set down two large plastic tumblers.

Meredith jumped at the sound of the server's voice. She had been so lost in the moment that she hadn't even noticed her approach.

Derek took a long sip of his ice water, using it to mask the tension that was flooding his expression.

"So what do you think of Connecticut so far?" Derek asked, completely serious again.

"Um, it's fine. Your mom's house is great – big, but nice – and I liked our walk by the lake yesterday," Meredith replied. The truth of the matter was that she didn't have much of an opinion. They hadn't exactly done much between the house and the funeral home, so she couldn't feel strongly about the area one way or another. And even if there were upsides to the house and surrounding areas, it wasn't like Meredith was able to relax and enjoy it. She was constantly under the scrutiny of Derek's family or focused on Derek.

"Yeah, I really like it here," Derek acknowledged. "It's home."

Meredith nodded, suddenly confused.

"When I first moved to Seattle," he started, "I didn't know if it would be a permanent thing. I was really just trying to get away from Mark and Addison, and moving across the country seemed like a good plan at the time. Richard had the position, promised me a fresh start, and I took it. I never expected anyone to follow me. And I met you…"

Meredith smiled, suddenly nervous again about where this was going.

"What would you consider moving back here with me?" Derek inquired nervously.

"Uh, like, eventually? Several years from now? Maybe. I like the east coast," Meredith replied.

"Not several years from now. Soon. What would you think about moving out here in a few months," Derek prodded.

"What?" she gasped. "You can't possibly be serious." Her head pulled back and her eyebrows arched with shock.

"I am, actually. We could take the house, transfer to a New York hospital…"

"Have you lost your mind?" she snapped.

"Meredith, just hear me out," he argued.

"What about your job? What about _my_ job? We can't just up and leave, Derek."

"I could work something out. I have a lot of connections out here," he responded.

"And the chief position? Can you work something like that out, too? Those aren't exactly the easiest jobs to get," she interrogated. It was a rare moment that she was the voice of reason in their relationship, and she was flabbergasted even to have to be a part of the conversation. What was he thinking?

"I know. That would be a big sacrifice. Maybe I could get set up for that again in a few years or something. It's probably better that I don't have that job for a while anyway so that we have more time for family and to start building our own," Derek rationalized.

Meredith shook her head with disbelief. "I can't believe you're serious," she mumbled. "I just started my residency…"

"Better to move at the start than further in," he countered. "And there are great hospitals out here. With your name and credentials…"

"I _know_ there are great hospitals out here. I was considering them when I applied for internships – before I knew my mom was sick," she explained. Meredith knew what it meant to make sacrifices for family. She had done it herself, but she didn't think Derek's situation was even remotely similar. When she moved back to Seattle, her mom was still alive.

"So what's the problem?" Derek asked.

"What's the problem? Seriously? You want to know what the problem is? The problem, Derek, is that I _like_ Seattle. I _like_ working at Seattle Grace. And Cristina is there, and George and Izzie and Alex and… We have an apartment. And you have a trailer and land. And the ferryboats. What about our ferryboats?" Her voice trailed off. There were a million reasons to stay in Seattle. She didn't think she could list them all. But there was only one possible reason to leave: Derek.

"Being here has made me realize how much I miss my family," he whispered. His voice was laced with sadness. He was no longer the strong, cocky neurosurgeon with a god-complex. Instead, he was a homesick little boy.

"We can visit," she offered sympathetically.

"It's not the same," he grimaced.

"But I don't want to move," she pouted.

"Well, I think I might want to," he countered.

"Derek, I don't want to leave Seattle. It's my home now," Meredith insisted.

"This could be your home," he contended.

"Derek," she emphasized. "You're missing my point."

"I can't believe you won't even consider it," he grumbled.

"Seriously? I can't believe you _are_ considering it!" She was getting angry now, but she was trying incredibly hard to keep it contained. She knew that he was going through a lot and that her boyfriend had been replaced by some wounded, overly-nostalgic and guilt-ridden stand in. She hoped this phase would pass quickly.

"Derek," she started again softly. "You're having an awful week and you miss your family. I get that. I really do. But that's not a reason for us to give up everything we have in Seattle."

"You wouldn't do this for me?" he pouted. "I need to be with my family now. I need to keep the house, and I want you to be in it. Please, Mere. For me. Consider this for me."

Meredith's eyes grew wide, shocked by the implication that it was something she needed to do for him. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do for him, but this...This was not a good decision.

"No. It's a bad idea," Meredith stated firmly. "I want to stay in Seattle."

"Well, maybe I don't anymore," he mumbled.

Meredith pulled back against the cushion of the booth, her head reeling with shock.

"So you'd leave Seattle without me?" she asked. Her heart was thumping madly in her chest and the room felt like it was spinning and swallowing her up all at once. She'd only had a couple panic attacks, but they always started this way.

"I don't want to, but…"

_Pick me. Choose me. Love me. _

"You'd give it all up," she speculated.

"Family is important to me, Meredith."

"I thought I was your family," she said weakly, feeling the tears flood against her eyes.

Derek leaned forward against the table, placing his elbows on the red and white checkered tablecloth and resting his head in his hands. He emitted a barely audible groan of frustration and took several deep breaths, unable to respond to Meredith's accusation.

"If we were engaged now," Meredith said, her voice trembling, "would we be having this conversation?"

"I don't know," he replied, still not looking at her.

She took a deep breath, feeling her lungs fill to capacity. All of the resolve she felt about committing to their relationship escaped in the molecules of carbon dioxide that she exhaled.

She couldn't do this. Not now. And neither could he.

"I ended the engagement because you are in no position to make important decisions this week. Moving to Connecticut? Giving up your job? Both seem like pretty big life decisions," Meredith accused. "You don't get to make any life-decisions this week. It's a new rule."

"So you just want to wait," Derek huffed.

"Uh, yeah. I do," Meredith replied. She was agitated that he was still being so stubborn. She didn't always feel like she was right about decisions, but this wasn't even a close call.

"Life changes. You need to adapt and move on. You need to evolve. You can't stay in the same place forever," he fumed.

She couldn't tell if he was only talking about Seattle anymore.

"And moving to Connecticut would be evolving?" she asked skeptically.

"It could be," Derek answered.

"Well, then I guess I don't want to evolve," she insisted as she stared across the room.

"What a surprise," Derek mumbled bitterly.

Meredith gasped and met his eyes with hers. She raised her hand to her face to quickly wipe away the tears that were spilling over. She didn't want him to see how much he had gotten to her. But he definitely had, and as the tears continued to drop, she knew there was no way to hold them back.

They sat in miserable silence for several minutes even as the waitress brought out their pizza and served two large slices dripping with cheese onto their plates. Derek nodded politely at the waitress to say thanks, but neither of them made a move for their pieces once she left.

"Is this really that important to you?" Meredith asked.

Derek looked up at her, surprised to hear her voice again. "It is," he confirmed.

"You'd give up Seattle," she continued.

He sighed, clearly tired of the conversation that appeared to be going in circles. "If it's just Seattle, I could give it up. I could. If it's you, too, then I don't know."

Meredith swallowed hard, her mouth feeling dry and pasty. Hours ago he was begging her to take back the ring, now he didn't know if that was even enough.

"But you're thinking about it," she pushed.

Derek shrugged. "I don't know what I'm thinking right now. It's all such a mess... I don't know what I want, and I need to figure that out. I'm sorry."

_You're sorry. You're suggesting that you might leave and you're sorry. _Meredith folded and unfolded the corner of her paper napkin, needing something to fidget with as the tears resumed their flow down her cheeks. Her skin was flushed and she could feel the contrast in the temperature as the tears left a cool streak down an otherwise burning face.

"Maybe I should go home – back to Seattle – after the funeral. It'll give you some time and space to think," Meredith thought aloud. She was desperately missing the comfort and predictability of Seattle right now, although she knew that much of that would be lost if Derek wasn't back in Seattle with her.

"Meredith…" Derek sighed as he started poking absentmindedly at his slice of pizza with a fork.

"I don't fit in here. I don't think I will fit in this week. I'll be here for you for the funeral tomorrow, but…" her voice came dangerously close to cracking as her body fought against what she was trying to say. She cleared her throat and continued. "You need to be with your family right now. And they need you, too. As long as I'm here, I'm a distraction. You can have some time to figure things out, and then…we'll see."

"So that's it, then. You're running back to Seattle," Derek replied bitterly.

"Yeah," Meredith said, trying to force a degree of firmness into her incredibly uncertain voice.

"You'll just pack up and run away," he continued as he stabbed the pizza violently with his fork, pushing and prodding it across the plate.

"I'm not running away. I'm giving you some time…time to think," Meredith rationalized.

"That's crap. You're running and it's crap," Derek stormed. He continued to scowl at his food, as if it was the source of his frustration.

"I'm not running away. I'm going home," Meredith argued. She slid her slice away from her, unable to stomach a single bite. She felt nauseous, and the last thing she wanted was a greasy, gooey pizza to add to the churning sensation in her abdomen.

"Fine. We can book your ticket when we get home tonight, if that's what you want," he grumbled. One fist was clenched tightly around his fork while his other hand propped his forehead.

Neither one of them could speak or eat or even look at each other. The restaurant slowly filled with more people, yet Meredith and Derek merely existed to occupy the corner booth, trapped in an impasse. Meredith couldn't ask Derek to go against his family and leave his childhood home for her, and she couldn't leave Seattle for him.

Not now.


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's Note: I know the last couple of chapters have been a bummer for us MerDer fans, particularly given the timing of all that has happened with the show and Rose and the Writer's Strike. It all undoubtedly sucks. But I promise that no matter how angry I get at Derek Shepherd – and believe me, Thursday night, I was ready to "break up" with him – I will keep going with this fic and repair anything that gets broken along the way. I have not lost hope for MerDer, and I hope you don't either. In fact, if you ever need a place to share your feelings about the show or this story, feel free to check out my LiveJournal page. There's a link under my profile. It's usually the place I go to rant and muse about all things Grey. But that's not why you're here... Presumably, you want to read this chapter, so I'll stop rambling now. **

Mark drifted from one flower arrangement to the next, looking for some familiar names that could spark a connection. Even though he thought of Barbara as his own mother, he never felt entitled to all of the perks and privileges of being an actual family member. He was loved and appreciated, but he was expendable. If it came down to a choice between someone born into the Shepherd family and someone functionally adopted by them, the decision would be fairly easy.

At least, that's what he realized after sleeping with Addison.

If devastating his friendship with Derek was the number one casualty of that decision, losing favor with Derek's family was a close second.

He called and visited and continued participating in all of the family events even when Derek didn't. But deep down, Mark would always just be a cherished friend and source of entertainment. Derek was family.

_So deeply sorry for your loss. Richard Webber._

Mark looked at the swirly cursive letters on the handwritten card clearly inked by someone _besides_ the chief. Probably a florist, Mark assumed as he smiled thoughtfully at the arrangement of cream colored lilies.

_There's a name that I recognize. Finally._

There was no question that Mark wanted to be there with the rest of the family, but being there also made him feel incredibly alone. Over the years, Mark had grown particularly attached to Barbara. Everyone else had spouses or children to keep them company, but Barbara was always available to converse with him. He would often have coffee with her in the early mornings, long before the rest of the family got up, and keep her abreast of all of the gossip and good jokes that her biological children didn't feel comfortable sharing.

_"Did Derek tell you that he's taking up tennis?" Mark dished at the round kitchen table in between bites of a homemade cinnamon roll. _

_"Really? I didn't think that he was terribly interested in the kinds of sports that require running," Barbara replied. Her blue eyes sparkled with excitement behind the misty steam from her coffee mug as she waited for the latest update on the son who was sleeping in upstairs. _

_"I still don't think that he is, but apparently he thought it was a good idea to tell the chief of neuro that he was an avid tennis player," Mark recounted as a sly smile spread across his lips._

_Barbara's eyebrows arched in amused surprise at the lie Derek had told._

_"Turns out the chief wants Derek to be his partner in a match against the cardio department this week," Mark continued. _

_Barbara's eyes grew larger. "Does Derek even own a racket?"_

_"He does as of two days ago," Mark grinned. "I'm sure it will be a fantastic match. I'll try to attend so I can call you afterwards and let you know if he's still alive."_

_"Good heavens," Barbara laughed, rolling her eyes at the shenanigans Derek and Mark so often found themselves in._

_"What are you two doing up so early?" Derek grumbled as he casually walked towards the cupboard to get his own coffee mug. His hair was a disarrayed mess of spikes and his bare feet were partially hidden by the flannel pajama bottoms that were too long._

_"Oh nothing, dear," Barbara replied sweetly. "What about you? You usually sleep in later when you're here…Do you have early tennis practice this morning?" _

_Derek turned and faced them, shaking his head in disbelief at his co-conspirators._

_Mark's eyes met Barbara's and they both chuckled softly, enjoying the joke at Derek's expense._

Mark missed that laugh.

He sighed and dipped his hands into his pockets, moving away from the flowers, cards and casket and searching for something else to occupy himself with. He glanced over at Sarah and felt relieved to see her lop-sided grin targeted in his direction, creating a subtle invitation for him to walk towards her.

"I can't get over how dead this place is," Mark whispered as he neared Sarah. While he would never consider saying anything like that to any of Derek's other sisters, he knew that Sarah would be amused.

Sarah rolled her eyes and slowly shook her head from side to side. "Still completely inappropriate…it's good to know _you're_ hanging in there, Mark." She tried to stop herself from laughing, but the best she could do was lower it to a barely audible giggle that caused her shoulders to bounce slightly. "God, am I ever ready to get out of here," she sighed.

"Drinking binge tonight?" Mark suggested.

Sarah looked at him, intrigued by the idea. Eventually she nodded, showing her approval. "I think we may have to do that. But we'll have to make another liquor run. We made a sizable dent in Nancy and Kathy's stash last night, and their selection was pretty mediocre," Sarah agreed.

"I'll hook us up. Whatever you want," Mark offered. Running errands and making them smile was how he planned to help out this week, and when it came to Sarah, the Shepherd sister he had the longest crush on, he was particularly eager to be supportive.

Sarah's conspiratorial smile quickly dissolved into concern as she looked towards the main entrance of the room. She nudged Mark with her elbow, nodding at him to follow her gaze.

He turned quickly and watched as Derek and Meredith walked back into the room, their moods palpably heavier than when they left. Derek's expression looked stoic, almost statuesque, as his jaw clenched and his steel blue eyes were fixed in a permanent glare. Meredith walked a few steps behind him, staring mostly at the floor and the back of Derek's shoes. Her face was red and her eyes were puffy, making it clear that she – not Derek – had been crying.

Mark shook his head in frustration before turning back towards Sarah. "If Nancy finally got to her…"

"Do you think Nancy would actually say something? Like directly and not in some passive-aggressive '_I hate you'_ secret code?" Sarah interrupted.

"I don't know. But she talked to Derek before they left…Who knows what's going on," Mark sighed. The glimmer in his eyes quickly faded as he thought about his best friend and dirty mistress. He had been so happy for them when they got engaged, and he was proud of the way that Meredith was handling everything the last couple days. He knew this had to be hard on her, too. He just hoped Derek hadn't unloaded all of his frustrations and sadness on her. It was too much for her to shoulder alone.

"Well, it's your job to find out…and to tell me over drinks…later…tonight…" Sarah insisted.

Mark shifted his eyes back towards Sarah, the corners of his mouth turning upward slightly at their secret pact. He nodded, accepting his mission, and turned back towards the melancholy scene of Meredith and Derek. He watched as they spoke briefly, and Derek handed something to Meredith before she walked away hurriedly, practically running for the door.

It was his cue to corner Derek.

"What's going on?" Mark asked casually as he approached his friend, noting the dark circles under his eyes and the smell of peppermint on his breath.

"Nothing," Derek grumbled. He clearly wasn't in the mood to do much talking.

"Where's Meredith going?" Mark proceeded with his interrogation.

"Not feeling well. She wanted to go back to the house," Derek explained.

Mark stepped back a little with surprise. If Meredith was abandoning Derek at the funeral home, it had to be a particularly bad situation.

"On her own? Does she know the way?" Mark worried.

"There's GPS in the car," Derek replied flatly, seeming far less concerned than he would normally be.

"Oh," Mark stammered. "I was going to use the car for a liquor run," he mumbled as he strategized a way to get more information. Maybe Meredith would be more forthcoming. He was getting nowhere with Derek.

Derek shrugged apathetically. "Maybe you can catch her," he offered.

"Okay," Mark said, and he quickly brushed past Derek and half-sprinted towards the front door of the funeral home just in time to see her make a right turn onto the street.

He dug into his pocket, pulled out his cell phone, and dialed her number, waiting anxiously for her to answer.

"Hello?" she said timidly.

"You need to come back. You forgot something," he insisted.

"What did I forget?" she asked, clearly confused.

"Me."

He listened to the silence on the other end of the phone, hoping that his comment had at least sparked a small smile.

"Please? I promised Sarah I'd restock the drink supply. I need the car," he argued.

"Fine," she replied.

The phone flashed that the call was over, and he meandered into the parking lot to stand under a lamp so that Meredith could find him easily in the dark. Within seconds she was pulling into the lot and pulling up along side of him.

"Do you want to drive?" she asked after opening the window.

"Sure," he replied, reaching to open the door for her. He clearly knew where he was going far better than she did.

Meredith slowly got out of the car, leaving the keys in the ignition and the motor running for him. He sensed that she had been crying again since he had last seen her in the funeral home only minutes before, but he merely stepped aside as she walked around to the passenger side of the car. She wiped her eyes and nose on her sleeve along the way, but he knew if he pressed her about it, she'd make up some excuse and claim to be "fine." He would need to use far more subtle tactics.

"Do you want to go on the alcohol run with me?" he asked once they settled into the car.

Meredith shook her head no. "I think I just want to go back to the house," she voiced.

Mark looked at her with bewilderment. "But you're going to drink with us tonight, right?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I might. Maybe I'll just go to bed," she waffled. He could tell that she was staring out the window by the way her breath fogged against the cold glass.

"Okay, I give up. What's wrong?" Mark demanded. _So much for subtle._

"Nothing. I'm…"

"Don't even think of telling me you're fine," he pre-empted.

"Fine," she hissed, revealing her anger that he was onto her.

"The Meredith that I know doesn't usually pass up drinking opportunities, especially when she's upset about something. That tells me either you're really upset or you don't want to be around the rest of us or both. So which is it, Grey?"

He turned towards her just in time to see her roll her eyes and cross her arms.

"It's all of it! It's everything! It's Nancy and the funeral and Derek and Connecticut and…I'm going home. Tomorrow. I'm going back to Seattle," she blurted. Her voice sounded desperate to release all of that information, but terrified to admit it all as well.

"Back to Seattle…what the hell? You're leaving Derek here?" he accused angrily.

She choked back a sob that told him there was much more to the story.

"Did something happen between you and Derek?" he asked, lowering his voice to a more soothing thrum.

She glanced over at him, her eyes wide and glossy with tears, and nodded.

Mark took a deep breath and pulled the car into a liquor store parking lot, ignoring her insistence that she go home first.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he pressed as he put the car in park.

Meredith hesitated, biting her lower lip and folding and unfolding her hands in her lap. It was as if she was suddenly claustrophobic in her own skin. "He wants to move back here," she whispered like she was revealing her deepest, darkest secret to a new best friend.

"What?" Mark shouted, disbelieving. His brow furrowed under the weight of his skepticism.

Meredith nodded. "He wants the house and to be closer to his family. He wants us to move here and give up Seattle…" she spoke between sniffles.

"Fucking Nancy," Mark grumbled, rhythmically tapping his forehead against the steering wheel in frustration. "You told him he's a moron, right?"

"I don't want to leave Seattle…" she choked.

"Of course not," Mark agreed.

"I've got my friends and the house and our apartment and work. I've got work there," she continued.

"Meredith, you don't need to convince me. It's obviously a bad idea," Mark reassured.

Meredith looked up at him, exposing her tear streaked face. A wisp of a smile flickered across her face, revealing just how grateful she was to have an ally in a land of enemies.

"He won't do it," Mark said firmly.

"I don't know…" Meredith replied, unable to mask her own hesitation and doubt.

"He's going to get through this week and realize what a horrific idea it is, and he won't do it. He wouldn't leave Seattle without you or your okay," Mark insisted.

"It's not that easy," Meredith sighed. She moved her hands back up to her face to wipe away the tears and try to clean herself up.

Mark leaned back in his seat, studying the pained, yet strong expression of the woman beside him. He had always wondered if she and Derek would be able to make their relationship work. Both carried so many issues that he sometimes found himself waiting for the couple to implode. But he knew that Derek loved Meredith more than anything, and after watching the way she took care of Derek this week, Mark knew they were right for each other. He just wished they could see it as clearly as he could.

"They're not an easy bunch, are they?" Mark mused.

Meredith's expression became confused.

"The Shepherds…I love them, but wow…" he continued to clarify.

Meredith grunted in agreement.

"It took me years before I really felt like I was a member of the family," he explained. "My connection with Derek was always strong. I was definitely the friend who was always over at the house, but it wasn't until after Derek's dad died that I really felt like I belonged with the family. I always felt like extra baggage until then. And while I'll never _entirely_ fit in, I at least feel more comfortable with them. I'm more comfortable with them than my own family."

Meredith nodded. She looked surprised to hear him reveal that to her.

"It takes time for them to open up to people. They're incredibly tight knit and loyal and overprotective. I know you see that with Derek, but imagine that times ten when thinking about the family as a whole," he advised.

"And that's why he'll probably move here," Meredith remarked bitterly.

Mark scrunched his forehead in frustration. "No, Grey. That's not what I'm saying. It's not that at all," he insisted.

"I don't know. He sounds pretty determined to make up for all of that lost time," Meredith argued.

Mark rolled his eyes, imagining Derek's role in the argument perfectly. It was as if he could hear Derek mumbling excuses to justify his completely irrational conclusions. "He can't move back here to make up for lost time. It doesn't work that way. And if he can't see that…"

"Then what?" Meredith interrupted.

"Look…just…don't worry about Nancy or Kathy. They'll come around. And the rest of the Shepherds? They _already_ like you. They'll protect Derek from making a big mistake. I promise."

Meredith nodded. "I hope so," she whispered.

"Give him a pass this week. I know it's hard and you want to strangle him. I do, too. But he's really messed up about this. Once he thinks it through, things will fall into place," Mark assured.

"Yeah," Meredith replied half-heartedly.

"And if not," he continued.

Meredith looked over at him, her eyes wide and fearful at the possibility.

"_I'll_ still be in Seattle," he teased, flashing a sly, sexy smile that immediately caused her to giggle.

"Thanks, Mark," Meredith finally sighed after her laughter subsided. She still looked sad and weary, but not quite as broken as she appeared when he first saw her.

He gazed at her warmly until the scene became too uncomfortable, and they both needed to look away.

"Alcohol… I'm getting alcohol," he grumbled. "Do you want to come in or do you want to wait here?" he offered as he removed his seatbelt.

"Um, I'll wait here," Meredith concluded.

"Okay, I'll be right back," Mark announced as he opened the car door. The dashboard dinged in alarm as he exited to remind him that the keys were still in the ignition. He slammed the door shut and jogged inside the liquor store, trying to avoid the cool misty air on the way. He grabbed a cart, wrapped his fingers around the chilled metal handle as he pushed through the aisles. He carefully selected a variety of drinks, searching for something to please everyone, before halting in front of the scotch selection.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone.

"What's up?" Derek said abruptly as he answered.

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing something you should be doing right now," Mark barked sarcastically.

"And what is that?" Derek sounded impatient.

"Consoling your girlfriend," Mark replied.

Derek's voice went silent on the other end, but he didn't hang up.

"What the hell are you thinking?" Mark demanded.

"I don't want to talk about this now," Derek mumbled.

Mark's shoulders sagged as he held his cell phone against his ear. He knew he couldn't start an argument while he was in the middle of a store and Derek was still at the funeral home, but he really wanted to fight. He wanted the kind of knock down battle that always got them in trouble as kids but miraculously made their friendship stronger.

"You would be a fool to leave Seattle," he explained.

"I'm just thinking about it. I haven't decided yet," Derek defended.

"Well, think about this," Mark seethed. "If you decide to leave…if you leave Meredith _and me_ in Seattle? Well, maybe I won't consider her off limits anymore. Ponder that when you're alone and miserable." Mark's voice was ambiguous enough to leave Derek guessing his intentions, particularly given the insecure and vulnerable state the neurosurgeon was already in.

"You're an ass," Derek hissed.

"So are you," Mark barked back.

The line went dead, and Mark closed his cell, knowing that he had accomplished exactly what he intended when he called. Although he couldn't categorically rule it out, he had no intention of initiating a relationship with Meredith in the instance that Derek left. But he knew that the prospect would strike a nerve with Derek and make him think long and hard about giving it all up. Derek would always be wounded from Mark and Addison's affair, and while Mark could never make that go away, he could exploit it to help knock some sense into his best friend.

Mark quickly opened his cell phone again and dialed another number.

"Sarah?" he said quickly. "I need your help. Family meeting. Tonight. Rally the troops," he instructed.

"Family meeting…are you sure?" she hesitated. Family meetings meant something serious was going on, and they historically were only called by the family's matriarch.

"I'm certain. You'll tell everyone for me?" he pleaded. His heart began to race as he imagined the living room filling with the Shepherd siblings, each waiting to be lectured by him instead of their mother.

"Okay. Any hints on what it's about?" she prodded.

"Meredith is talking about going home tomorrow, for one," Mark explained.

"Fuck," Sarah whispered into the phone.

"Exactly. So make this happen. I'm counting on you," Mark encouraged.

"Consider it done," she replied.

Mark smiled, grateful for the secret alliance he and Sarah had formed.

"Oh, and Sarah?" he continued as he made his way through the aisle.

"Yes?"

"Did you want light or dark rum?" he inquired as suavely as he could manage.

"You mean I have to choose?" she teased back.

"I guess not," he laughed, reaching for two bottles to add to his cart. "If tonight goes poorly, we very well might _need_ both."


	23. Chapter 23

Meredith dumped her purse and coat onto the neatly made queen-sized bed and sank into the large red chair in the corner of the bedroom. She was still smoldering with anger at Mark for making her wait in the car for twenty minutes while he purchased enough alcohol for a college frat party. It was time that she could have spent back at the house, sulking and alone. Now she really only had about forty-five more minutes to herself before the rest of the family would return, and she needed every nanosecond to prepare herself to see Derek again. The thought of seeing him stare through her with cold blue eyes, heavy with desperation and defiance, was enough to make the hairs on her arms stand on end. She wasn't ready to revisit the conversation of him leaving Seattle – of him leaving _her_ – and yet, she knew that it was a topic she couldn't run from. At least, she couldn't run until she had safely booked her flight home safely and secured transportation back to the airport.

Meredith settled deeper into the chair, resting her head against the cushiony back. She kicked off her shoes and pulled her legs up beside her into a fetal position, relying on the arms of the chair for comfort. Inanimate, unmoving, and strong, they were the best this house had to offer at the moment.

Her eyes filled with tears again as she replayed the conversations in her mind. She wanted to be optimistic – she honestly did – and Mark was incredibly persuasive in his suggestion that Derek would come to his senses. But Mark wasn't there at the restaurant when Derek had spelled everything out for her. He didn't see how Derek broke down and begged her to do this for him.

_I need to be with my family now. I need to keep the house, and I want you to be in it. Please, Mere. For me. Consider this for me._

And Mark didn't see the vitriol in Derek's eyes when she refused, as if she had committed the ultimate betrayal of their relationship. _Life changes. You need to adapt and move on. You need to evolve. You can't stay in the same place forever._ The expression on his face as he spoke those words to her sent chills down her spine. The only other time that she remembered him looking at her so bitterly was months ago when he called her a whore, and she was pretty sure that this was worse. At the very least, it felt worse. Then, they were broken up, and neither had any real expectations for the other. Now, they were virtually engaged. That was the plan anyway.

She sniffled loudly, and wiped the tears from her eyes. She couldn't break down like this. She would get through this. Derek would change his mind. He needed her, and she couldn't be there for him if she was a blubbering, weepy mess.

But what if he didn't need her? What if he needed his family more?

The tears fought their way back to the fore and trickled their way down her cheeks. Fighting them back was futile, she concluded, and at least now she had some time where she could let them all out undiscovered. The only person at home right now was Mark, and she was fairly certain that he read her not so subtle requests for privacy. She could cry and sob and carry on, and he almost certainly wouldn't interrupt or say anything to her about it. He understood. They were allies.

Going back to Seattle would be good. It would give Derek some time to think about things, and it would get Meredith away from his family and back with the people she considered her own. Maybe she would have that housewarming party after all, without Derek. She could have her friends over one night and drink away the sorrows accumulated during her time in Connecticut. Derek would have his family and she would have hers. It would be…perfect.

But that wouldn't really solve anything. In an ideal world, they could share families, and they wouldn't be constantly pulled towards opposite sides of the country. It was as if they were the polar opposites of a giant magnet, and right now, Meredith was repelled by the east coast and attracted to the west. Desperately attracted by a force she couldn't fight.

She stood up and walked towards her coat, searching its pockets for her phone. If she planned to wait a full day before returning to Seattle, she could at least talk to someone there.

"Oh thank god," Cristina sighed into the phone the moment she answered Meredith's call. "Callie has me wasting time in the pit all day, and I am dying to have some real purpose…Hey, are you done with those charts? Well, they don't write themselves," she barked, distracted by someone else. "It's a convention of incompetence here. How is Connecticut going? Want to gouge your eyes out yet?"

Meredith smiled half-heartedly. It was good to be drawn back into the familiar sounds of Seattle Grace and the biting sarcasm of Cristina Yang.

"Pretty much, yeah. Eye gouging sounds about right," Meredith confirmed. "Connecticut is crap. The east coast is crap. I don't know why anyone would want to live here with the…crap," she rambled. She didn't actually dislike the area. In fact, she'd always been fond of the east coast, but now it made sense to hate it, and she was scrambling for some plausible reason why.

"Live with the crap? Meredith, what kind of shit storm has hit you?" Cristina inquired casually.

"It's nothing in particular," Meredith dismissed.

"Are the Stepford wives trying to assimilate you?" Cristina prodded.

"Not, particularly," Meredith answered. _Assimilation was far from their agenda. More like assassination._

"Are the visions of the little Shepherds making your womb ache? Does Derek suddenly want to be McDaddy?" Cristina continued, clearly enjoying the speculation.

"Cristina! We're not considering anything right now," Meredith shot back in a strong overreaction to Cristina's playful comments.

"Well, alright then," Cristina backed off. "The hospital is boring," she announced, steering the conversation in another direction for her friend. "No major traumas today. Lots of head colds – much more snot than blood. Be happy you're missing it," she reassured.

"What if you could have a really great surgery," Meredith blurted.

"Nothing's happening," Cristina stammered, a little confused.

"No, listen. What if you could have a really great surgery…" she started again.

"Hypothetically?"

"Yes, hypothetically. Let's say you have a chance to perform a…" she paused, racking her brain for a cardio procedure that Cristina would be interested in. She nodded as the idea came to her. "A thoracoscopic ablation."

"I'm listening," Cristina encouraged.

"You get to do this great, cutting-edge procedure for the first time at Seattle Grace, but in order to be on board, you have to clear your schedule for days to prep and research and familiarize yourself with the procedure. No other surgeries. And your patient might have a stroke before he gets to the table anyway. Is it worth it to give up all of the other potentially awesome surgeries along the way to focus on this one?"

"Yes," Cristina confirmed. "Absolutely."

"Why?" Meredith waited.

"Because you don't get many opportunities to help pioneer new techniques at Seattle Grace, and thoracoscopic ablations kick ass."

"But what if the guy has a stroke so you don't get to do it anyway?"

"There will be other patients with A-fib down the line, and next time, I'll be ready," Cristina stated confidently. It didn't even sound like much of a decision for her.

"I see," Meredith sighed, uncertain whether she agreed.

"So, what new surgery is Derek pioneering?" Cristina asked, pushing through the subtexts.

"Nothing. It's…nothing," Meredith resisted.

"Sure," Cristina replied. Meredith could almost see her rolling her eyes through the phone.

"I'm coming home tomorrow," she blurted. "Can you pick me up at the airport late tomorrow night?"

"You're coming home?"

"Yeah, after the funeral. I've missed so much work and Derek needs some more time with his family," she rationalized unconvincingly.

"Sure. Just text me the info," Cristina replied, letting Meredith off the hook. It was the aspect about Cristina's friendship that Meredith appreciated most. Cristina never pushed and instead gave Meredith all the space she needed until she was ready to talk.

"Okay, I haven't booked anything yet. That will be the next bit of fun, I guess," Meredith sighed. She propped her back against the wall and slid all the way to the floor into a squat before stretching out her legs in front of her and sitting down completely. The firmness of the floor was oddly comforting compared to the cushiony softness of the chair or the bed. More than anything, she wanted a solid place to stretch out.

"Good luck with…shit, 911. Gotta go," Cristina sputtered abruptly.

"Bye," Meredith responded, knowing that Cristina had already hung up before she had a chance to say anything. She dropped her phone to the floor and cupped her hands around her face. Her fingers spread and worked their way through her hair, back and forth while the heels of her hands rubbed her temples. Her eyes were incredibly tired from crying earlier, and she could still sense that the skin was puffier than usual. She knew her body would really benefit from some solid sleep, but she doubted that was possible.

_Plane tickets. I need to get a plane ticket…_ She reminded herself, yet it was the last thing that she wanted to do. Buying a plane ticket was like giving up on the trip. She felt like she would be letting Derek down somehow, and while she certainly was furious at him and his suggestion that they leave Seattle, she desperately wanted to believe Mark's insistence that Derek would snap out of it. It would be like waking up from a dream. _Good morning, Mere. Welcome back to our perfect life in Seattle. I'll make you breakfast. _

She shook her head in frustration. Even if he changed his mind, how long would it take for him to change it back? How could she live wondering how long it would take for him to pull the rug out from under her again? She couldn't continue the roller coaster ride any longer. She was feeling sick, and she wanted off.

Derek's brown leather knapsack slouched against the chair a few feet away from Meredith. The softly worn bag caught Meredith's attention as she considered her inevitable trek home.

_Necessary first step, Mere. Dig out the flight information to change your flight…_

She lazily pointed her toes and swung her leg over to the bag, looping the strap around her ankle so she could pull the bag towards her. It wasn't terribly heavy, and the smooth leather slid quickly against the glossy hardwood floor. Once it was within reach, she leaned forward and pulled it the remaining couple feet towards her, flipping it open in the process.

The bag contained a disorganized mess of papers, magazines and other travel items that Derek amassed along the trip. She slowly began emptying the bag so she could sort through the contents and find their flight information. While she doubted they'd let her change her flight without charging an exorbitant fee, she figured it was worth a try. She pulled out several gum wrappers, balling them off to the side for later disposal, and her fingers tangled in the wires of Derek's headphones. She flipped through magazines, searching for any papers that may have been inadvertently jammed inside, and stacked them neatly beside the bag. She continued this process until her fingers grazed against an object that felt foreign relative to the rest of the contents.

Meredith tilted the bag into the light so she could get a better look.

There, at the bottom of the bag, was a distinct, black, velvet box, and she was certain of its contents. Her pulse quickened and a wave of heat overtook her body, leaving her nauseous and breathless at once. She carefully clutched the tiny box and pulled it out of the mostly empty bag. Her shoulders sank and her body leaned back against the wall, needing its hard plaster surface for further support. She thumbed the velvety box anxiously, feeling each textured fiber before deciding to flip the box open and stare at the diamond inside.

As the box sprang open, revealing the diamond still waiting inside, something within Meredith came unhinged. A steady stream of tears glided down her face to form crystalline droplets along her chin. Her breathing hitched, hanging in her lungs between the long gasps. Then the sobs came, shaking her body violently and causing her to curl up into herself. She loosened the ring from the foam encasement and slipped the platinum band over her left ring finger, as if just wearing it again could magically restore everything that had broken in the previous three days. If only she could wish her way back to a time when Derek was luring her into their flower-laden apartment and getting down on one knee and carrying her off into the bedroom.

But it was gone, and all that was left was a symbol that felt cold and meaningless against her skin.

She folded her arms around her knees, hugging them closer as she continued to weep.

"Meredith," a familiar voice sighed.

Her head shot up and her body stiffened as she was startled back into reality. She hadn't even heard anyone come upstairs or open the door, and now she was caught doing the one thing she tried so hard to avoid – breaking down. She scrambled to remove the ring from her finger and shove it back into the box, pretending that her actions could go unnoticed and that there wouldn't be any need to discuss the scene Derek had just walked in on. She closed the box frantically and wiped at her face, unable to make eye contact with him in the process.

"Meredith," Derek attempted again, his voice quavering with a mix of sadness and shock as the door squeaked closed behind him. He took a couple steps towards her and stopped, uncertain if he should approach.

Meredith waved her hands in front of her, practically shooing him away. "It's nothing, I'm fine," she grumbled. Her legs were shaking as she tried to stand up, and she continued to hug the wall as she stood to face him. Everything around her was spinning fast. Too fast.

"I…are you...oh, Meredith," Derek stammered. He looked particularly tired and emotionally drained, the corners of his eyes sagging and his jaw clenched tightly. Even though they had slept well the night before, he looked like he'd just come off a thirty-six hour shift.

"I didn't think you'd be back yet," Meredith explained. "I'm just going to clean myself up, and then I'll book my ticket," she managed. All emotion was miraculously removed from her voice. She was understanding, but detached, as if she was telling a loved one that they had done everything they could to save the patient, but in the end…

She slipped into the bathroom and closed the door before Derek even had a chance to respond. She had planned to have at least another twenty minutes to herself before the family returned from the funeral home and invaded her privacy. She didn't know where the time had gone. She angrily smacked the faucet handle, turning on the cold water and watching it pour straight down against the basin. Small cracks lined the bottom of the porcelain bowl cascading around the places most directly battered by the spray. She slid her right hand under the water to check the temperature while her other hand grabbed a washcloth. The cloth absorbed the water as if it were a sponge rather than mere cotton, and Meredith flipped the faucet back off again before wringing out the excess water. More than anything, she wanted to wipe away the evidence written all over her face that he had gotten to her. This time, the emotional aftershocks hit hard and deep.

_And all of my land – the land and the trailer that I didn't know what to do with – well, I want to build a house there, Meredith. Not now, but someday. Someday soon. A house big enough for us and a couple of kids and a dog. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You're the love of my life..._

She could hear the final words of his proposal as if he were still standing in the room reciting it to her. It wasn't a mistake. There was nothing that had been a mistake about it. And to give that all up now…

Meredith dropped the washcloth on the counter and swung around towards the door, a landslide of new emotions propelling her back to the bedroom where Derek awaited. She flung open the door and stared at his dejected body slouched at the foot of the bed.

"I…love you, Derek," she choked.

"Meredith?" he spoke, suddenly concerned by how determined and angry she seemed to be.

"Shut up. I need to say this," she snapped.

Derek leaned back, surprised. He nodded.

"So here's the deal. I love you, Derek. I really, really love you in a put up with your family, pretend to like your oatmeal, agree to marry you and risk having twins to be with you kind of way that terrifies me to love you, love you. But when you do things like this, it makes me hate you, Derek. And I don't want to hate you because I love you."

Derek's eyes grew wide and a wry smile quirked ever so slightly in her direction."I'm sure that you're family is really great and you have lots of memories with them," she continued, "but we have memories, too. Wonderful memories of times when we were happy together. And we need more. It's not enough. You _can't_ leave. Your family might need you, but I need you more. And if you choose them over me…"

"Derek! Meredith!" Mark's voice interrupted from the foot of the stairs. "Come down for the meeting!"

"I…" Derek murmured to Meredith, still in shock. "We'll be down in a minute!" he called, still scrambling for something to say.

Meredith pulled her hair back behind her head and secured it with the ponytail holder she had been wearing around her wrist. She had said what she needed to say, and she was content to leave the conversation for now. They could revisit it after the family meeting.

"We should go downstairs," she instructed calmly.

"But Meredith…" Derek continued fumbling.

Meredith shook her head, a few stray wisps of hair flailing behind her. "We'll talk later," she insisted.

She walked towards the bedroom door and hesitated only slightly while she waited for Derek to follow. He staggered slowly behind her, still seemingly lost in a fog, while she bounded down the steps and into the living room. It was the first time all trip she was looking forward to being surrounded by Derek's family if, for no other reason, it meant that she didn't have to deal with Derek's plans for now. She found an empty seat on the ottoman pulled next to Anna's chair, and she pulled her feet up onto it, sitting Indian-style with her hands resting in her lap. The seat wasn't large enough for Derek to join her, so it necessarily gave her some distance from him while they thought things through.

Derek soon appeared in the entry of the room and seemed disappointed with the seating arrangement. The corners of his eyes turned downward as he located a space on the couch next to Kathy and across the room from Meredith. His eyes never left her face as he sat down, and she felt like he was trying to peer deep inside her for something more than the rambling confession she had left him with moments earlier.

"Alright, Mark. You pulled us all together," Nancy remarked dryly.

Meredith quickly realized that she was surrounded exclusively by Mark, Derek, and his sisters. All of the other spouses were apparently off somewhere else.

"Yes, I did," Mark spoke sternly. His expression was somber, and his posture seemed even more brooding as he stood in the center of attention. He cleared his throat. "I've called this family meeting because I feel like we need to talk as a family about some of the decisions and comments being made this week. I know we're all upset, but even in these dark moments, we need to be asking ourselves W-W-B-S-D?"

"B-S?" Kathy replied skeptically.

"Yes," Mark continued. "What Would Barbara Shepherd Do?"

A chorus of groans fluttered throughout the room, while Mark stood floundering before them.

"If Mom were here to see the way that you were all acting – do you think she would be happy with this? Do you think she would appreciate…"

"The vast quantities of alcohol?" Kathy chided.

"The loud sex?" Anna teased.

Mark became even more flustered. His efforts to guilt the family into an honest conversation clearly weren't working. He would need to be more direct.

"Nancy asked Derek to move to Connecticut today," Mark tattled.

All eyes turned towards Nancy just in time to see her jaw drop and her eyes shoot daggers at Mark.

"I'm not leaving Seattle," Derek interjected. His attention focused exclusively on Meredith, as if she was the only person worth recognizing in the room.

Nancy's head pivoted towards Derek.

"I'm not leaving Seattle. I'm not leaving Meredith," he explained.

"Derek…" Nancy backpeddled. "I didn't mean…"

"No," Derek snapped. He stood up and faced her, towering over her as she remained seated on the couch. "Stop. Just…stop. You don't get to do this. You don't get to tell me that I should be here – that I'm the glue. Do you think that I _wanted_ to miss mom these last few months? Do you think I _chose_ this? I left New York because I couldn't live in a place where my wife had slept with my best friend. I couldn't move on and start over in a place that held so many tarnished memories. And I can't move here and try to rebuild something that's lost forever when what I need most right now lives in Seattle."

Nancy's expression fell, a mix of remorse and disappointment appearing to wash over her. It was the first time all weekend that Meredith actually felt genuinely sorry for the woman.

"And god, the way you've treated Meredith? Not all of you, but…it's a wonder she's still here! She's never met you and yet you treat her like she's some casual fling that I've brought here for sex. And the way you talk about us…" Derek's voice trailed off.

Meredith was in as much shock by his outburst as everyone else, and she found herself leaning forward in her seat, trying to anticipate what he'd say next.

"We were engaged!" he yelled.

_Shit._ She hadn't been anticipating him to reveal that. She watched as Sarah and Anna exchanged surprised glances and Kathy's jaw dropped. Mark beamed with pride in the background.

"I proposed Friday night, and we were engaged. And we decided to wait – to postpone our engagement out of respect for all of you and Mom – and you haven't given our relationship an ounce of respect, Nancy. Not an ounce. And you haven't been much better, Kathy!" Derek continued, angrier than ever.

"I'm sorry," Kathy mumbled to no one in particular.

"And Meredith…" Derek started, his voice turning introspective. "I love her so much," he choked. "I love her and I've hurt her and I've let you guys come between us and make me doubt everything that I know. And what I know... Meredith…she's not just some midlife crisis or hospital scandal. She's the love of my life. She's…" he paused to catch his breath. Everyone was completely silent and captivated by his speech, including Meredith. "Don't ask me to choose between you guys and her because I can't give her up. I love her and I need her and if you can't accept that…then I'm done. I'm not the glue."

He stood and walked briskly out of the room. The back door slammed seconds later, punctuating the tension that filled the family room in his wake.

Meredith's body began trembling. She hadn't realized that she had been holding her breath throughout large portions of his outburst.

"Congratulations," Sarah said to break the silence. A pleased smile spread across her face.

"Huh?" Meredith stammered, completely caught off guard.

"On the proposal. Congratulations," Sarah repeated. "Even if you're waiting a while, I'm happy for you."

"Thanks," Meredith whispered, still in shock.

Kathy looked at Meredith apologetically. She moved to say something a couple times, but quickly closed her mouth before the words could escape. "You should check on him," she eventually mustered.

Meredith nodded, still lost in a daze, and crawled off the ottoman. She walked through the room, almost oblivious to Mark smiling proudly as she passed him, and followed the path to the back door. The porch light was on, and Derek sat illuminated on the back steps.

She opened the door carefully and sat down beside him. He was shaking a bit from the combination of cold and emotion, and she quickly wrapped her arms around him to keep him warm.

"Please don't go home tomorrow," he begged as he leaned into her touch.

She bit her lip nervously, trying to fight back the tears of relief that were burning to get out.

"I don't want you to go home without me. I don't want us to be apart this week or ever, for that matter. I know you said no big life decisions this week, and I'm fine waiting however long you want me to before I propose again, but don't leave. I can't say goodbye to you tomorrow, even if it's a temporary thing," he implored.

"Okay," she murmured. The first tear found its way out of her eye and trickled down her cheek before leaping onto Derek's shirt.

"Okay?" he echoed. He sounded surprised to hear her give in so easily.

"Okay," she repeated. "I'll stay."

He turned towards her and wrapped his arms tightly around her petite frame, enveloping her in the most intense hug she had ever experienced.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" he chanted into her ear.

"I know. It's okay," she soothed. She rubbed her hand up and down his back, dancing circles along his spine.

"I…It's just…" he muttered incoherently.

"Shhh…Derek, it's fine. It's actually fine this time." She kissed his cheek tenderly. "I'm not going anywhere, and you don't need to say anything more."

"Okay," he replied, relieved. He leaned back so that he could meet her lips with his own. One hand slipped through the silky strands of her hair while the other slid down her back and settled at the curve of her hip.

Meredith melted in the sensation of his touch. Even though they had only been apart for a few hours, she missed the feeling of being locked in a passionate embrace with him. If she longed for him this much after such a short period of time, she couldn't imagine what it would be like if she had chosen to go home without him.

"Derek," she finally whispered as she pulled away to catch her breath.

"We should go back inside, huh?" Derek murmured, reading her thoughts.

Meredith nodded and watched as he stood up on the step. He stretched his arms out before him as an open invitation to help her stand up as well. She grabbed tightly onto his wrists and used them for leverage against her weight.

"I'm glad you're going to stay," he commented, still holding her arms and staring warmly at her with his piercing blue eyes. It seemed as if some of the anxiety and exhaustion had dissolved from his lids.

"And I'm glad you're choosing Seattle," Meredith replied.

He leaned in to kiss her again, briefly this time.

"It's not Seattle that I'm choosing," he responded.

Meredith raised her eyebrows, confused by what he was saying.

"It's you, Meredith. I'm choosing you," he explained. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and guided her up the stairs and into the house.

In that moment, Meredith knew that she would have given up Seattle if it meant spending her life with Derek. But this time, he was making the right choice for both of them.


	24. Chapter 24

Derek had exhausted himself beyond the point that he could sleep. He craved sleep. He needed sleep. But he _couldn't_ sleep. His body just wouldn't let him, as if this sleepless night would be the last of the many tests Derek Shepherd would be put through during his journey back to Connecticut.

And somehow, he doubted it would even be the last.

Meredith snuggled next to him in bed, her naked body shrouded beneath the covers and asleep after their latest round of love making. The day's events felt like a complete blur to him with all of the fighting and turmoil, but as he listened to Meredith snore soundly beside him, he faced the first clarity he had felt in quite a while.

Derek gently dragged his thumb over her shoulder, caressing the delicate skin as she slept. He leaned in and kissed it softly so as not to wake her up, and said a silent prayer for having her stay there beside him. He couldn't explain his actions or why he spent so much of the day entertaining the prospect of a life back in Connecticut without her. It wasn't what he wanted, it wasn't what Meredith wanted, and deep down, he knew it wasn't what his mother would have wanted either.

Derek sat up and looked at the clock. It was almost four in the morning, and he found himself giving up on slumber entirely. He kissed Meredith's shoulder one last time and pulled the blankets up over her, ensuring her warmth in his absence. Carefully, he slid out of bed and tiptoed across the room, knowing from memory which places he could step and where he shouldn't to avoid the creaking floor boards that could potentially wake Meredith. He found a pair of boxers on the floor, and pulled them on quickly. Locating his flannel pajama bottoms and a tee shirt proved a larger challenge, but within moments he was dressed and felt comfortable sneaking out of the room.

The house was completely quiet as he navigated towards the stairs. His path was illuminated by a series of carefully placed nightlights, vestiges of his mother's efforts to make the home safe for her grandchildren. Yet, something inexplicably pulled him in another direction. He turned away from the stairs and walked through the hall, dragging his feet on the velvety soft, worn rugs his mother had placed over the hardwood floors decades ago. It was as if he was swimming upstream, and everything around him moved in slow motion as he came to a white painted door. He carefully turned the knob and slid inside, waiting until the door was once again safely closed before he flipped the light on.

Everything was exactly as Derek remembered. A bookcase of old photo albums and scrapbooks sat immediately opposite the door. Further to the left was the vanity table, covered by a collection of perfume bottles and his mother's hairbrush. Her pink fleece bathrobe hung motionlessly on the bedpost, and the bed was perfectly made just as it had been every day in Derek's memory for years. The only thing different was how empty it felt.

Derek took a deep breath and stepped over to the bed, running his fingers along the blue and cream colored quilt she had crafted after Sarah's twins were born. He remembered it well because she made two smaller versions for his grandchildren, and a small piece of him felt jealous of his sister for having children. He carefully crawled under the quilt, sandwiching himself between it and the blankets beneath, and leaned his head back against the pillow.

He could still smell her perfume wafting off the fabric, and as he breathed it in, he felt his eyes welling up again with tears.

_"Having a hard time falling asleep, Derek?" his mother asked as she saw her six-year old son standing in her bedroom doorway._

_The little boy nodded and clung to the doorframe as if he needed a formal invitation to enter._

_Barbara took her glasses off and placed her book on the nightstand beside her before motioning for him to enter. "You can stay in here for a little while until your dad gets home," she soothed._

_Derek ran quickly across the room and leapt into bed beside her. She lovingly wrapped her arms around him and rocked him back and forth, kissing the top of his head as he settled against her._

_"What's got you all upset?" she prodded. "Did you have a bad dream?"_

_Derek shook his head no. "I can't sleep," he pouted._

_"Well, what were you thinking about when you were trying to fall asleep?"_

_"My dream from last night," he explained. _

_"Oh," she laughed. "Your dream from last night," she repeated as if it should have been obvious to her that it wasn't a new bad dream. "What did you dream about last night?" _

_He sniffled, getting worked up just at the thought of having to retell it. "There was a bad guy and he…" sniffle, sniffle, "he came and he took you and daddy away, and I was all alone in the house and you guys were gone."_

_"Oh baby," she soothed. "There aren't any bad guys that would take us away from you. We wouldn't let them. Do you think we could ever leave our little boy all alone?"_

_Derek shook his head no._

_"We're right here, Derek. Daddy is coming home soon, and nothing is going to happen to us. We love you too much to let anything bad happen to you or your sisters."_

_Derek looked up at her, searching her sparkling blue eyes for some additional confirmation. He immediately managed to find it, and he simply nodded at her. He curled up under the covers and rested his head on her chest, letting the steady rhythm of her heart lull him to sleep. _

_By the time he woke up the next morning, he had been carried safely back to his own bed._

Derek felt very much like the six-year-old boy in his memory, desperately wanting his mother to wrap her arms around him and remind him that everything would be okay. He closed his eyes tightly and tried to hear her voice, but it didn't surface from his memory. He couldn't recall the exact timber or pitch of it, and the thought that he could already be forgetting some details about her triggered a wave of violent sobs. He balled the quilt in his fist and buried his head in the pillow, suffocating out the sounds as he cried.

She was gone. Gone. Gone.

Vanished.

Another door opened down the hall, and Derek froze as he listened to the footsteps nearing the door and hesitating just outside. Eventually the doorknob turned and the light of the room escaped into the hall, casting Anna in a pale glow.

"Derek?" she called softly.

Derek remained still, unable to move or make a sound as she closed the door behind her and walked towards the bed. Her expression was pained as she glanced around the room, conducting the same mental inventory Derek had completed moments before.

"Sorry," he finally choked out.

"For what?" Anna replied, still in a bit of shock.

"I woke you up. Sorry." Derek wiped his eyes frantically with the backs of his hands and tried to regain his composure as he sat up in bed. He leaned back against the wooden headboard and watched as his younger sister sat at the foot of the bed.

"No," she answered. "I was up. Couldn't sleep."

"Me neither," Derek explained.

"I saw the light on in here," she added.

Derek nodded.

"You know, I don't remember the last time I was in here, but it all looks exactly the same way I remember it from growing up," Anna whispered as she continued surveying the room.

"I know," Derek agreed. "It's exactly the same."

"Gosh, I spent a lot of nights in here," she reminisced.

Derek looked at her, surprised by her confession.

"After Dad died…I don't know who it helped more, me or Mom, but I slept in here with her for a while."

"A perk of being the baby of the family, I guess," Derek mentioned.

"I guess," she laughed.

They sat silently for a few minutes, listening to the quiet buzz of the overhead light.

"It's weird, isn't it?" she asked, folding her legs in front of her and hugging them tightly to her chest.

"What is?" he responded.

"Being a grown up. Trying to figure things out on your own. Especially now with both of them gone," she teared up.

Derek nodded sadly. "Yeah," he huffed. "It is."

The door creaked open again, and Sarah stood in the doorway, surprised by the sight of her siblings sitting in their mother's bed. She closed the door behind her and walked timidly towards them.

"Am I interrupting?" she asked. It wasn't clear if she would have cared what their answer was to that question.

Derek shook his head no, and Sarah interpreted it as an invitation for her to crawl into bed beside them, tugging a section of the quilt away from Derek to cover herself up.

"We were just talking about Mom," Anna explained, careful not to exclude her older sister from the conversation.

Sarah's head bobbed in understanding.

"Being a grown up sucks," Anna continued.

Sarah laughed half-heartedly. "When did that happen even? When did we become grown ups?"

"I don't know that I have," Derek mused. "Or ever will, at this pace." The corners of his mouth turned up in an almost-smile that showed that he was trying to be back to normal, but he wasn't there yet.

"There are so many things I feel like I should've asked her, you know?" Anna added.

"I know," Sarah sighed. "It's like all of the problems that I wanted to be able to handle on my own, I suddenly want her advice on, just because I can't have it."

"Isn't that the great irony?" Derek chuckled with a twinge of sarcasm. "Mom was more than happy to dole out free unsolicited advice, but now that we actually want it, we can't have it."

"What do you want Mom's advice on?" Anna asked curiously. She wasn't privy to all of the information that Derek regularly shared with Sarah, and she looked anxious to be included.

"I don't know…_everything_," Derek answered. "Meredith."

"Mom would have really liked Meredith," Sarah speculated. "She probably would have put her through the wringer the first couple of days to test her out, but Meredith would have passed with flying colors. She's tough."

"You think so?" Derek pushed.

"I do," Sarah nodded. "I definitely do."

"I hope so," he caved.

"Look, anyone who can put up with you after all of the crap you've been through in the last year scores points in my book. And she loves you. The way you two look at each other and try to take care of each other? Those are good things," Sarah explained.

"She does seem eerily perfect for you," Anna commented. "Way better than Addison."

Derek's smile expanded beyond the corners of his mouth but not quite to his eyes. "Thanks, I think."

"Are you going to pop the question again?" Sarah pressed. She was always straightforward in her conversations with Derek. It was one of the things he appreciated most about his relationship with his younger sister – there was never any bullshit.

"At some point," he evaded.

"When?" Sarah demanded, not letting him off the hook so easily.

"I don't know," he shrugged. "I'm still figuring that out."

"What's changed?" she continued while Anna watched the conversation in a sort of mystified shock.

"What do you mean?" he defended.

"Since Friday. When you proposed. What's changed between you?" she nagged.

"Nothing…not really between us…"

"Do you love her less?" she pestered.

"No…I…" he mumbled, completely flustered.

"Are you planning to leave her?" she posed.

"Definitely not…God, what's up with these questions? Are you channeling Mom or something?" Derek retorted, suddenly uncomfortable with the barrage.

"Maybe," Sarah snapped. A broad smile washed across her face as she closed her eyes and held her fingers up to her temples. She murmured softly in agreement a couple times before opening her eyes again. "Mom says she wants you to marry Meredith. She thinks you're good together, and she wants to see her only son happy," Sarah asserted. "Don't propose tomorrow, because that would be really weird, but soon."

Derek rolled his eyes and let out a small, badly needed laugh. "Okay. Tell Mom I said 'Thanks,'" he chuckled. His eyes began to fill with tears again, but this time they weren't entirely sad. He missed the opportunity to laugh and joke with his sisters. They knew ways to cheer him up that no one else had ever discovered, and while he needed Meredith most, Sarah and Anna came in a very close second.

Sarah grabbed a pillow and hugged it tightly to her chest, curling against it in a small ball. Her demeanor slowly deteriorated from playful to pained, and Derek noticed the transition immediately. He reached over and ran his hand soothingly along her spine.

"Are _you_ doing okay?" he asked carefully.

Anna looked at Derek and winced, sensing what was causing Sarah to crumble but unable to bring it up directly.

Sarah shook her head "no" and buried her face down against the pillow, rocking gently into Derek's comforting touch.

"I think this week is pretty much the last straw," Sarah murmured softly, almost inaudible as she spoke into the pillow.

"With Matt?" Derek asked. It was a question he didn't really need to hear the answer to. He knew that his sister's marriage had been falling apart for months if not years, but as he learned from experience, it's always easier to see those things from the outside.

Sarah nodded. "He's not even coming for the funeral. His mother-in-law died, and he's not even going to make an appearance."

Anna scooted forward from the end of the bed to crawl to the other side of Sarah. The three siblings sat together on the king sized bed as if they were children again, flanking Sarah on each side. Derek's arms wrapped around her shoulders in a comforting hug while Anna rubbed her back gently. Neither had any idea what to say.

"Mom would want me to make things work…Mom wasn't a quitter. She wouldn't have gotten a divorce. But how do you make it work when he doesn't make an effort? How do I forgive him for sleeping with someone else?" Sarah choked. The tears were building behind her eyes and spilling over despite her best efforts to keep them at bay.

"Honestly? You don't forgive for those kinds of things. At least, I couldn't," Derek confessed. "I really tried to make things work with Addison when she moved to Seattle, but I couldn't. Part of that may have been that I'd already moved on with Meredith, but part of it was also that I couldn't look at her without seeing her with Mark. It's not a memory I could forget."

Anna listened quietly, unable to contribute anything other than her support to her siblings. By all accounts, her marriage to Will was picture perfect so far, and she had been left out of many of the conversations about Derek's marriage. Still, she couldn't feel uniquely left out. Derek had managed to avoid talking to pretty much everyone about the incident with Mark and Addison and the subsequent aftermath. Their understanding of the situation came in fragments that had to be collectively pieced together at family gatherings like a jigsaw puzzle.

"But what do I do? I have three kids, Derek. Three little kids that I can't possibly raise on my own with this career," Sarah sighed.

"You do what's best for you and for them. Are they going to be happy knowing their parents are in a loveless marriage where Daddy cheats?" Derek prodded.

"It's not that easy. You don't have kids…" Sarah jabbed.

Derek's face fell as if he had been sucker-punched by his younger sister. "No, I don't…" he grumbled.

"But he's right," Anna supported.

Derek looked over at her and smiled, relieved that she was taking his side. She could be the voice of authority since she had just as many kids as Sarah.

"But do I ask him for a divorce?" Sarah searched for the answer.

"We can't answer that," Anna interjected. "That's entirely your decision."

Derek agreed. "You have options. You could see a counselor, separate, divorce – it's up to you. But I will say this," Derek counseled. "Mom was far more concerned with our happiness than whether or not we got a divorce. She'd trust your judgment to do the right thing, and she would have supported you if you didn't think you could work things out with him."

Sarah leaned closer to Derek, crying softly against his shirt. He sensed that she had needed to hear that, and while he wasn't certain what her decision would be, he hoped that she would find comfort in his support. He knew that if he'd had the courage to open up to one of his sisters throughout the Addison debacle, it would have been easier somehow, and certainly less lonely.

"I still want her to be proud of me," Sarah whispered. "She's not even here anymore, and I still care what she thinks."

Derek felt his shirt becoming moist from Sarah's tears. He held her tighter and whispered back two little words: "Me too."

"You'll make it," Anna encouraged. "You're far to amazing not to. Matt barely does anything for the kids now. You'll get a nanny and you'll be a fantastic mom, and when you need help you'll call us and we'll help you find a plan, no matter how far away we might be."

"Thanks," Sarah blubbered. "I really love you guys," she sighed as she wiped her eyes.

Derek kissed the top of her head lovingly.

The three siblings sat in complete silence for several minutes, listening to the house settle and the wind rattle the rickety wooden shades on the outside of the windows. The oak tree in the front yard cast unusual shadows across the corner of the room where the ceiling fan light couldn't reach. Eventually the peace was broken when Derek exhaled particularly loudly, releasing some of his frustration.

"What is it?" Anna murmured, bordering on sleep.

"Nothing," Derek grumbled sadly.

"Liar," Anna fired back. She sat up and grew more alert as she shifted the blankets around on the bed.

"It's just…we're grown ups," Derek started.

"Arguably," Sarah agreed.

"And we're sitting in this bed like we're kids," he continued.

"You could always leave. Anna and I have spent plenty of nights asleep in this bed," Sarah pestered.

"No, that's just it. I don't want to leave. I'm sad that this is probably the last time that we'll ever get to do something like this," Derek admitted.

Anna and Sarah snuggled in closer, both lost in thought.

"Yeah," Anna sighed. A small smile slowly stretched across her face, however, as she continued considering the moment. "But Mom would tease us relentlessly if she knew that we had done this in the first place. She'd probably want to reinstitute footie pajamas on Christmas," she giggled.

"She would think this was pretty hilarious wouldn't she," Derek mused. "Her thirty-something-year-old children, still running to her room at night like there's a monster under our beds," he added. He sank lower under the covers. The weight of his exhaustion and the comfort of the bed combined to make him more weary.

"I really miss her," Anna admitted. "Already. I keep waiting for her to walk in. Like she's off on some trip, and we're just waiting for her to get home."

"I know," Sarah concurred.

"I wonder when it will stop feeling that way," Anna continued sadly.

"I'm not sure it ever will," Derek pondered. "It never did with Dad."

Sarah looked up at Derek, surprised by his admission. She squeezed his arm as if to say _keep going – you can talk to us. _He never talked about his father, not with them, and for most of his life, not with anyone. His earlier mention of their father had come as a shock, but now he seemed to be revisiting the topic with sad resignation. It contrasted sharply with the pained isolation he'd forced himself into for decades. Talking was good for him, and he finally felt like he was in a situation where he didn't need to suffer alone. They had seem him fall apart and be vulnerable, and given all that was happening with him this week, he felt entitled to experience that for a while. Maybe not forever, but for a few days at least.

"What do you miss most about him?" Anna pondered. She was only five years old when their father died, and her memory seemed more of a hodgepodge of borrowed recollections from her mother and siblings – pieced together through photographs and anecdotes – rather than something indigenous.

Derek heaved a large sigh as he considered the possible answers. There were so many things that he missed about his father. But after nearly thirty years, he had adjusted somewhat to the gaping hole left in his psyche. It was more of a general sensation of loss than an acute pain.

"You know, it changes…what I miss…varies," Derek concluded. "When I was younger, I missed the fishing trips and the messing around, but now…" His voice trailed off and his eyes darkened. Small frown lines formed along his brow, clouding his expression. "You guys had mom. You had years of her example before you had kids of your own, and you could always go to her for advice. I just…I wish Dad could be around to help me if I ever get kids of my own."

"You will," Sarah chimed quickly.

"What?" Derek asked, baffled by her comment.

"You'll be a dad someday, and he'll be there still. Not in a way that you can see or talk to, but the little things. I see pieces of Dad in you all the time," Sarah dismissed Derek's fears as if they were the most ridiculous things she had ever heard. "You'll be such a kick ass dad that it won't even be fair to other dads. You've already had years of practice taking care of this family, and Mom was an example to you, too. We had awesome parents," she explained. Despite her quick response, she always knew exactly what to say to get him back on track and boost his confidence.

"I hope you're right," he nodded.

"She is," Anna concurred. "You and Meredith love each other too much and care too much to be bad parents. There's no way you'd be a disappointment to anyone, Derek. Not to Mom, and definitely not to Dad. There's just no way."

"We had really great parents," Sarah added, a great deal of distance in her voice as if her thoughts were trailing to a place far away from the present.

Derek's eyes began to sting again from the sensation of tears.

"What happens after tomorrow?" he pushed. "What will do with the house and the holidays and the family stuff? What happens now that they're both gone?"

Anna and Sarah both sat quietly. Neither knew the answer.

"We'll figure it out," Anna finally answered. "We'll figure something out. But it's not on _you_ to solve. We'll work this out together, okay?"

"After the funeral," Sarah murmured.

"Okay," Derek voiced.

The time on the digital alarm clock on the nightstand blinked the numbers five-fifteen in an ominous red glow. Will would be getting up soon to start breakfast, and all three were surprised that Zach had managed to sleep this long. He had given impressive displays of his lung power throughout the night the previous two evenings. As much as all three were losing the battle against their drowsiness, they knew that they needed to mobilize and, at a minimum, return to their own bedrooms.

Derek quietly started the movement, sliding back out from under the covers and carefully placing the pillows exactly how he found them. Sarah and Anna followed, and the three dutifully straightened the blankets and quilt with painstaking precision. None of them said a word.

There was nothing left to say. Not tonight.

The moment was gone.

They somberly walked out the bedroom door and turned out the light in the room. The door creaked loudly as they closed it, causing each to jump a little. It wasn't a door that they'd heard make noise before, and Derek looked over at his sisters quizzically. He tried opening and closing the door again to see if it produced the same results.

Nothing happened.

Derek shrugged and felt the metal hardware of the doorknob fit securely in its groove in the wall. They scattered through the hall, each going into their own separate rooms.

Meredith stayed asleep as Derek crawled back into bed with her, her position unchanged from when he left. She was still snoring, and the blankets were wrapped around her completely, causing him to have to tug slightly to secure some for himself. He draped the fabric around his body and spooned against her. His hands slid along the bare skin of her torso as he pulled himself closer to her, and his head relaxed behind her in the precise spot that allowed him to kiss the curve of her neck.

"I want you to know," he whispered, "that I love you more than anything. I couldn't make it through this without you."

Meredith stirred slightly, slipping her hand over his and murmuring something that could have been interpreted as "I love you, too," but was far too incoherent to be sure.

Derek smiled and kissed her one last time before drifting off to sleep.


	25. Chapter 25

**Author's Note: Happy New Year! I have officially recovered from my holiday festivities and am happily back to writing. Sorry that it has taken me so long to update, but I promise I've been thinking about this story and where it's going lots over the break, even if I wasn't writing everyday. And as always, I really appreciate the kind words of encouragement – they definitely help boost my motivation, especially at times when the real show doesn't. So thanks!**

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Meredith's eyes blinked rapidly as they adjusted to the steady stream of sunlight slipping through the bedroom curtains. It was almost eight, and she was surprised that they had managed to sleep in so late. She had certainly been exhausted, but Derek was almost always awake before seven, and the fact that he was still sleeping left her somewhat concerned.

His arm was draped over her body in a protective hug that made it difficult for her to turn and see him. She lifted his arm off her naked torso and rolled quickly to face him, allowing the arm to drop back on top of her. She wiggled closer to him, noticing that he was wearing pajamas while she remained unclothed. Dark circles surrounded his eyes, and his hair was a mess of curls and spikes. He hadn't shaved in at least a day, and a shadowy rim of stubble shrouded his jaw. He looked worn out, but peaceful, and Meredith hated herself for planning to wake him.

But he needed to wake up. The funeral was scheduled for later in the morning, and she knew that they both needed some time to get ready.

She gently ran her fingers through his hair and feathered a soft kiss on his forehead.

"Wake up, Derek," she whispered.

Derek's lids fluttered open before settling into a permanent squint as his eyes adjusted. His lips smacked together a couple times, and his Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard, clearly not anxious to be awake.

"Did you sleep okay?" Meredith asked, coaxing him from sleep.

Derek grunted incoherently and pulled her closer as if she was a body pillow and not a living, breathing person.

Meredith's back arced as her stomach met his, and she felt her breasts flatten against the cotton of his tee shirt. She was self-conscious about being naked while he was fully clothed – she didn't remember him dressing before they fell asleep last night – but she didn't say anything in protest.

"It's a little after eight," she stated.

Derek loosened his grip on her and heaved a large sigh before rolling onto his back. His eyes were bloodshot from the lack of sleep, and they stared at the ceiling like two lifeless indigo orbs.

Meredith settled into the crook of his arm and rested her head against his chest. Her hand slid under the fabric of his tee shirt, allowing her fingers to snake through his coarse chest hair.

"There's no way I can get out of this, is there," he grumbled.

Meredith propped her head up and looked at him. A single tear escaped the corner of his eye and slid towards his ear, but she couldn't be certain that he was crying. His eyes often watered a little first thing in the morning.

"You don't want to get out of this." Her voice was gentle, but firm. She knew he wasn't serious. She couldn't imagine a scenario by which Derek managed to miss his own mother's funeral, but she understood his desire to avoid it. Avoidance was something she was particularly good at – an expert even.

Derek nodded. "A few more hours and this will be over," he murmured as he gave himself a badly needed pep talk.

"You can do this. You may not want to. Nobody _wants_ to, but you can do this," she reassured.

"Right," he grouched. He started to sit up, signaling to Meredith to move out of his way. She tugged at the blankets and snuggled beneath them, trying to stay warm without the added contribution of his body heat.

"Do you want me to get you something? Coffee? I could go down and get it," Meredith offered in an effort to be helpful.

Derek shook his head. "Not yet. Thanks, though. I think I'll just head for the shower."

"Do you want some company? You look like you could use some company, and I know there's not a lot of hot water with so many people, so for the sake of water conservation…" Her voice trailed off as she realized how ridiculous she sounded, and a lopsided grin overtook her features.

Derek paused in the bathroom door to turn and look at her, a half-hearted chuckle escaping his lips. "For the sake of water conservation?"

"It was one of those arguments that sounded better in my mind," Meredith admitted. She cocked her eyebrows up as she waited for his reaction.

"Give me a couple minutes, and you can join me," he smirked.

Meredith watched as he closed the bathroom door and listened for the shower to start running. She didn't have much desire to drag herself out of bed yet, but she also wanted to spend as much time as possible with Derek today. She suspected that it would be the hardest day for him yet, and she had every intention of sticking by him.

The bathroom was already thick with steam by the time Meredith made her way to the shower. The silhouette of Derek's naked body appeared distorted behind the fogged glass of the shower door and the scent of his shaving cream radiated throughout the room. She grabbed a clean towel from beneath the sink and draped it on the hook near the shower door before joining him inside.

Derek rinsed off his razor and placed it back on the shelf, propped at an angle against his shaving cream.

Meredith huddled closer to him, trying to drench herself in the hot spray of water. Almost immediately, he stepped aside to give her better access, and she turned to face him, working to flutter away the droplets of water streaming into her greenish-blue eyes.

He kissed her forehead, and then leaned forward to grab her lavender shampoo off the ledge. He flipped open the top and squeezed out a healthy dollop into his palm before putting the container back on the shelf. Rather than using it on his own scalp, however, he motioned for Meredith to turn around. She complied, and within seconds she could feel Derek's hands working the shampoo through her hair, massaging her head with his fingertips and creating a thick lather that dripped down her cheek. She loved the sensation of having someone else wash her hair, especially when it was Derek and not some stranger working in a salon. He was always so meticulous about the process, as if it was a time-honored sacred ritual that they shared rather than a daily task usually completed alone. Once he was satisfied that he couldn't make her hair any cleaner, he spun her back around so that her back was to the shower head, and he tipped her hair back, shielding her eyes with his hand so that no soap trailed into them. His other hand carefully combed through her hair until the water ran free of suds.

Meredith bit her lip gently and closed her eyes, savoring the moment, before she turned to reciprocate. It was harder for her to wash his hair as he was taller and much more sensitive about having his hair touched, but he still allowed her to do most of the work. She giggled as she lathered up a mass of foam and pulled his hair into a Mohawk across the center of his head. She knew that he would immediately rinse it out if he could see it, mortified by a style that was so un-Derek. Somehow he managed to tolerate her antics, however, delighting in the laughter and smiles the opportunity gave her. When he'd had enough, he shook his head wildly, spraying her with suds and allowing his hair to settle in a totally different pattern of spikes before being smashed down by the force of the hot water cascading behind him.

Meredith reached for the conditioner bottle, and took on the challenge of working the cream through the ends of her own locks while Derek continued to rinse.

"So, today is Tuesday," she started as she combed through a particularly difficult tangle.

"Mmm-hmm," Derek agreed as he pushed his hair back away from his face.

"And we're here until Sunday?" she continued.

Derek smiled at her, a mix of amusement and sympathy washing over his features. "Do you think you can survive that long?"

"It depends. Are you going to abandon me or threaten to leave again?" Meredith blurted without thinking. She immediately regretted it as soon as she saw the color drain from Derek's face and his posture slump. _Go ahead, Mere…kick him while he's down…be a dirty pit fighter…_

"I'm sorry, that came out wrong," she backpeddled. She moved closer to him and hooked her arms around his waist to blanket him into a hug.

Derek exhaled loudly and hugged her back. "I maybe deserved that," he sighed.

"You didn't. You already apologized, and I just need to get over it – abandonment issues…" she mumbled. Her hands dropped away from the small of his back and she reached for the soap, hoping to wash away the conversation.

She finished lathering the soap over her body and silently passed the bar to him. They traded places so she could rinse off, and as the water pummeled the soap off her body, she felt conflicted over her residual instinct to punish him for toying with the prospect of moving to Connecticut. She turned back towards him, and watched as waves of insecurity and doubt flooded his features. He was trying to be helpful and loving and repentant for the things he had said and done yesterday, and she was continuing to make him pay for it.

"I'm sorry," she murmured. "I'll let it go."

"Okay," he whispered.

"Okay," she leaned in to kiss him quickly on the lips before escaping the shower. Her fingers were already starting to prune, and she was ready to get out. She swung open the shower door and grabbed her towel, wrapping it around herself quickly to fight off the chill. She located another to towel dry her hair with and listened as Derek shut off the water and followed her out.

Meredith stared blankly at the black dress and suit hanging side by side in the closet, hesitating before pulling them out. She delicately took Derek's suit out for him and draped it neatly on top of the unmade bed before turning back towards her own dress. It was a simple two piece combination with a long black skirt and a matching button-down blouse. She carefully thumbed the top, dragging her fingers over the delicate, lacy fabric before tugging it off the wooden hanger.

Of all the dresses back in Seattle, she shouldn't have packed this dress.

Derek quietly dressed by the bed, and she noticed that he wasn't bothering to ogle her like he usually did when she put on panty hose and the black bra that he lustfully professed as his favorite. She understood the state he was in; there was nothing remotely sexy about preparing for a funeral.

Meredith finished putting on the skirt and threw her arms into the sleeves of her black blouse, agitation building as she finagled the small buttons through their tiny holes. A sense of déjà vu washed over her and released itself in a long, silence-shattering sigh that caught Derek's attention.

"You okay?" he asked, glancing away from a full-length mirror on the bathroom door as he finished knotting his tie.

"I just wish I had packed something else to wear," she admitted.

Derek walked over to her and casually ran his hand along her back before grabbing his black dress shoes off the closet floor. "You look beautiful, Mere, as always," he replied.

"No, thanks, it's just…the last time I wore this," she started.

"Was when you were going to Susan's funeral," he answered as he made the connection. Apparently his Meredith-decoder ring was working well. "I knew I had seen you in that outfit somewhere before."

Meredith nodded, grateful she didn't have to explain.

"I still wish I could have been with you that day," Derek confessed.

"I know. You brought your suit," she recalled. Her lower lip started to tremble as memories she thought were long buried exhumed themselves. "And I told you I needed to do it myself." She wiped away tears that were starting to brim over her lower lids. Her skin grew pale, contrasting sharply with the pink of her lips, and she turned away from Derek to look for her own shoes.

"Meredith," Derek pled. "Meredith, look at me."

"What?" Meredith snapped in frustration. Today was not her day to melt down. She needed to be strong and not fall apart like this, and her repressed emotions were getting the better of her. _Stupid, stupid emotions._

She felt him wrapping his arms around her, hugging her from behind as she struggled to get away. His arms locked around her waist and he whispered shushing sounds in her ear, unrelenting in his determination to hold onto her. Eventually she succumbed to his grasp and collapsed against him. Her body trembled slightly, and it took all of her energy to stop the sobs threatening release.

"I'm here…shhhh…I'm here," he repeated. He navigated her towards the bed so they could sit.

"My father was so angry," Meredith expressed. Her fingers balled up into fists on her lap and her gaze felt empty as she stared at the bath towels they had littered on the floor.

"I should have been there. I should have insisted to go with you, and then I could have stood up to him for you," Derek answered, voice wavering with guilt.

Meredith shook her head. "I told you not to. I was trying to handle things on my own and cope with things better. Without you."

"But that's just it. You don't need to handle things on your own. We could have gone to the funeral anyway, and I could have been there to support you just like you're here now to support me." His hand dropped towards her lower back, rubbing it soothingly.

"But I wouldn't have wanted you to go. You didn't really know Susan as well and funerals don't exactly make the best dates," she argued. "Even if my father hadn't come to the hospital, I would have said no."

Derek released a short, sarcastic laugh and rolled his eyes. "I love you, but you're so impossible sometimes," he mumbled.

Meredith's posture straightened and she stared at him defensively. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"My going with you to Susan's funeral is no different than you going with me to my mom's funeral today. It doesn't matter that I didn't know her well. You cared about her, and she was important to you. I would have gone to support _you_ through your grief, not to be an added spectator," he argued. He stood up and put on his suit coat, repositioning himself in front of the mirror to straighten the collar while Meredith pondered his comments.

"I'm sorry," she eventually murmured as she went back to the closet to grab a long, black cardigan. "You like to help, and I'm still not used to having that. I forget that helpful is your thing and…"

"I know you can breathe on your own, Mere. I'm just saying, you don't have to," he offered.

She cut in front of him to stand before the mirror, pulling the sweater over her otherwise bare arms. "Okay," she agreed. "We'll do this together."

A smile flickered across his face as he slid past her to continue getting ready. They were already running late, and that wasn't something either one of them wanted to be doing today. If anything, they wanted to get the whole event over with as quickly as possible.

--------------------------

The funeral easily met Meredith's stereotypical expectations. There was a crowd of Kleenex-clutching mourners wearing various shades of black and gray, colors that matched the cloud-filled sky that threatened a downpour at any moment. Tears were shed and kind words professed about Barbara Shepherd: sister, wife, mother, grandmother, superwoman. And as each sibling quietly dropped a single red rose on their mother's casket to mark their final goodbye, Meredith couldn't help but feel simultaneously relieved and horrified that she had never gone through a similar experience with her own mother. Instead, she treated her mother's death like another task that needed to be completed and marked off a list – like paying the nursing home on time. _Body transported to crematorium. Check. Adequately designed decorative urn purchased. Check. Ashes picked up and placed into closet, out of view. Check. _

_Check. Check. Check. _

Derek's car door slammed loudly as he settled in beside her, ready to leave the cemetery and return to the safety of his childhood home. He started the car quickly and settled against the steering wheel so he could stare out the windshield. It was as if he was memorizing the precise location of the double-occupancy grave he had already visited dozens of times for his father.

"Do you have any more tissues?" Meredith asked after buckling her seat belt and kicking off her high-heeled shoes. She folded one leg under the other and fumbled with the heat to direct the hot air towards her chilled toes.

Derek reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a crumpled mass of tissues that he kept as backups in case he went through his primary supply too quickly. Much to Meredith's surprise, he was the child that cried the least at the actual funeral. All of his tears had been exhausted in the days prior, she supposed. He was resuming his role as the strong one.

"Thanks," she mumbled as she took them from him, sniffling loudly.

Derek turned towards Meredith and watched her fiddle with the Kleenex, his expression clouded with concern.

"Still thinking about Susan?" he asked. He pushed a tear-soaked strand of hair off of her cheek.

Meredith shook her head no as a few more tears spilled down her cheeks. She wasn't entirely sure what was causing her sudden emotional avalanche, but she was happy that Derek was the only one around to see it.

Derek unhooked her seatbelt and slung his arm around her to pull her head towards his shoulder. Even though the console served as a barrier between them, she still felt noticeably warmer and more protected in his embrace.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he prodded as his hand rubbed along her upper arm soothingly.

Meredith instinctively shook her head no again before starting to sob uncontrollably – the kind of sobs that caused her whole body to tremble and hiccup and threaten hyperventilation.

"Damnit, what's my deal?" she cried. "Today is about you and…I'm…I'm making it about me, and…you're supposed to be the one that cries, Derek. You're the one that's supposed to be here with me telling _you_ that everything is going to be okay, and…Crap!"

Derek rolled his lips back and bit down to stop a lop-sided grin from forming in reaction to her mini-tantrum. "Sometimes," he started before clearing his throat. "Sometimes funerals do that to people. It's okay to be upset, Mere. Really.""There's an urn in my closet, and she died," she finally blubbered. "And this isn't about me!"

"Your mom?" he prompted, searching for more clues to the latest outburst.

Meredith nodded. "I never had a funeral for her or did anything like that. It's like she was here, and then she was gone, and all I've got to show for her life is some crummy urn that sits in the bedroom closet at her house. I didn't even bother to move it into our apartment. It's like her whole life is forgotten. Everything she ever did…vanished." The sobs returned in full force as Derek struggled to react. He learned long ago to treat the topic of Ellis Grey delicately – that he needed to use kid gloves to handle Meredith's mommy-inspired baggage – and more often than not, he merely provided gentle reassurances and a nonjudgmental audience rather than any real advice.

"Do you think your mom would have wanted a funeral?" he probed.

Meredith worked to steady her breathing as she contemplated the answer, loudly blowing her nose into the wad of tissues.

"No," she warbled. "Such sentimentality would probably have been a waste of time in her mind. And she wouldn't have wanted people too see her dead body. But still…" Her voice trailed off into a wavy hum of choked back sobs.

"Oh, Mere," Derek cringed. "I guess…" He pursed his lips together in a frown. His eyebrows tilted together, and a small crease appeared above the bridge of his nose. "What do _you_ want? Because she's gone. She doesn't get to tell you 'no' or correct you or make you feel guilty. She doesn't have that power over you anymore. So what do _you_ want to do?"

Meredith glanced at him in protest, silently refusing to answer his question.

"_I_ am making this about you, today," he added to pre-empt any argument.

Meredith's glassy eyes grew wide with fear. She couldn't imagine herself in a world where her mother's shadow didn't dance judgmentally over her, taunting her and reminding her of all the ways she was a disappointment.

"I just…I want to say goodbye to her and not let her haunt me anymore," Meredith explained, immediately regretting her confession as she felt Derek's gaze envelop her with pity.

"She haunts you?" he questioned. He ran his thumb gently under her lower lashes to brush away a tear that was threatening to spill down her mascara-streaked face.

Meredith bit her lower lip nervously, unwilling to divulge more of her secrets.

When Derek gave up on waiting for a response, he broke the silence between them. "I know that your relationship with your mother was complicated, maybe even impossible. But for all of her faults, and I get that there were many, she still managed to end up with the most amazing daughter. There is not a day that goes by that I'm not thankful you're in my life," he reassured.

"I'm just…so tired," she sighed, brushing away the compliment.

"Do you want to go home?" he nudged. As always, Derek was working to find a way to comfort her, accommodating her often schizophrenic wishes. She loved him for that, but sometimes she wished he wouldn't bother trying so hard.

"No. Not that. I'm tired of letting her get to me – of living like she's questioning my judgment and discouraging my ideas…_our_ ideas…"

Derek tipped his head to the right, encouraged by the breakthrough but still confused by her intentionally cryptic language.

"I don't want to be her, Derek. I don't want to die alone and get shoved in some closet and ignored. I don't want to be some great surgeon who makes a mess of the rest of her life because she sees everything as a distraction. You…you're not…" she hiccupped and smiled with embarrassment. "A distraction. Not you."

"You will never be your mother. You could never be as cold and miserable as she was. And you," he feathered a kiss on her cheek before whispering in her ear, "will have to live with my potential distractions because I am not going anywhere. Ever."

Meredith flung her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, grateful for his reassurance. It was something she desperately needed to hear – the kind of message she wished she could record and play over and over again to crowd out the little voices that said otherwise.

"I love you," she murmured.

He pulled back and smiled warmly at her, causing the corners of his eyes to crinkle in a way that told her it was a genuine smile, not forced like so many of the others in the past few days.

She needed to tell him that more. She probably didn't say it often enough, but she worried that he'd stop having that reaction that made her insides feel warm and gooey if she said it too often.

He knew.

"Let's go home," she instructed as she settled back into her seat and refastened her seatbelt.

Derek sighed and took one last look at their surroundings before putting the car in drive and pulling out of the cemetery. Only a couple other cars lingered behind, none of which belonged to Derek's siblings.

"She was a good mom – your mom – wasn't she?" Meredith inquired as they turned onto the main road. Derek checked to make sure that their headlights were turned on, and put the windshield wipers on a five second delay to counteract the mist being kicked up by the tires of the car ahead of them.

"The best," Derek swallowed hard, unwilling to divert his eyes from the road.

"I wish I could have met her," she stated. She leaned her head against the passenger door, watching droplets trickle down the window and gathering speed as they accumulated more water and succumbed to gravity.

"I do too. She would have really loved you. Like a…" his voice trailed off, the tell-tale signs that he was second guessing himself.

"Like what?" she pressed.

"Like a daughter," he finished. He reached over and squeezed her hand, refusing to let it go.

Meredith simply nodded. She would have liked that.


	26. Chapter 26

"Mark! Boys! Help," Sarah instructed in a series of one word commands before Derek even had a chance to hang up his coat. Meredith paused a few steps ahead in the foyer, eyes bulging at the mass of children that was running around as Derek's siblings attempted to round up their young and change them out of their finest clothes.

Mark immediately decoded the message and swept Josh and Jake up in each arm, maneuvering through the crowd with sufficient airplane noises to keep the toddlers entertained. He carried them upstairs toward their mother amongst a chorus of shrieks and giggles produced by the three-year-olds.

Derek smiled with amusement and casually snaked his arm around Meredith's waist so he could whisper in her ear. "Bet you never thought you'd see Mark do something like that," he mused. He lingered close enough that he could see the hairs on her neck stand on end in reaction to his warm breath.

Meredith shrugged. "I've seen and heard Mark do many, many shocking things." She turned towards him, an impish grin on her face as the hair from her ponytail swirled over her shoulder.

Derek looked at her suspiciously. "Care to elaborate?"

"Not really," she teased. The somber tome of the car had lifted, and Meredith seemed far more relaxed and mischievous than Derek had seen in days. It was a refreshing change after all of the stress and anguish.

"But I must say I'm impressed by how quickly he responded to orders. I've never seen him move so fast when there wasn't the prospect of sex involved," Meredith added as she moved away. She wrapped the sides of her black cardigan around her body and folded her arms in front of her chest.

"Sarah has that impact on him," he explained. "And in Mark's mind, there's always the prospect of sex," he joked.

Meredith's head tilted towards Derek, and her eyebrows lifted questioningly.

"Mark has been completely enamored with Sarah since high school but was always too chicken to pursue anything seriously. They hooked up a few times, but that was it," Derek divulged. His voice was low and conspiratorial as he shared a secret he had only previously revealed to Addison.

"Really?" Meredith gasped. "Mark was too chicken?"

"She's the one woman he thought was too good for him – especially when we were younger – and then she got married, and that ended that," Derek said as he closed the closet door.

"Interesting," she commented. She leaned against the railing of the stairs, looking to him for a signal about how they'd be spending their afternoon. He started tugging at his tie to loosen it as he started toward the steps. Meredith nodded and led the way back up toward the bedroom, seemingly relieved for at least a few more minutes to decompress before joining the rest of the family.

Once inside the bedroom, Derek immediately noticed that the room was left in shambles and the bed was still unmade following their rushed departure. While the obsessively neat part of him wanted to make the bed instantly, the rest wanted nothing more than to curl up and go back to sleep with Meredith by his side. He pondered the idea as he slipped off his black dress shoes and removed his suit coat.

"Is Will cooking again tonight?" Meredith asked, interrupting his thoughts. She had already removed her shoes and skirt and stood before him wearing only her dark top and pantyhose. He vaguely remembered the image of her lacy black bra and panties underneath, and his pulse began to race.

_No. No sex. Just changing clothes. Funeral clothes to not-funeral clothes. _He quickly turned his gaze away from her, realizing that he had been staring, and stuffed his dark dress socks inside his shoes. The adrenaline was already coursing through his veins, however, and he couldn't stop imagining her undressing before him.

Derek focused on his breathing, trying to get everything settled back to normal. But his memory of what constituted "normal" was flirting with Meredith, watching her undress, and seducing her.

"Derek, you didn't answer my question," Meredith interjected. Now she was the one doing all of the staring, and she moved to stand closer to him minus the shirt she had been wearing seconds before. "Are you okay?" she asked casually, unaware of the effect she was having on him.

"I'm fine," he stammered. His tie hung loosely around his neck, no longer knotted, and he stopped unbuttoning his shirt to glide his hand over the thin fabric of the nylons covering her thigh and the curve of her hip. He glanced up at her, eyes glistening with hope, and held his breath.

She immediately understood his look and shook her head. "Everyone's here, Derek. They're awake and changing their clothes and getting ready for quality family time and…no, Derek. Not now," she argued. He sensed from the slight upturn of the corner of her mouth that her position wasn't firm. She could be persuaded.

"We're undressing anyway," he coaxed, smiling broadly when she let out an impish giggle in response. His thumb continued to drag along her hip, tracing the curve to her bare stomach.

"Derek," she protested. She took a step back and slid her thumbs beneath the elastic band of her pantyhose. "I'm just trying to change here," she stated.

"I know," he shot back. He leaned over on the bed and stretched out across it. His head was propped against his elbow, making it very clear that he was watching her unabashedly. "I'm enjoying the show."

Meredith rolled her eyes and moved over to stand beside the red arm chair in the corner of the room. She carefully slid the pantyhose down towards her knees, inadvertently bending over before him so he could see the shadowy curves between her breasts, and then leaned against the chair to finish removing the nylons. She wasn't trying to be sexy, but every move had Derek completely enraptured. She balled up the nylons and tossed them into the open suitcase on the closet floor before glancing back over at him. She blushed and smiled shyly.

"You're seriously watching me?" she asked.

"Of course I am," he responded. "Sometimes you look so sexy that I can't help myself."

Meredith rolled her eyes again and bit her lip as she considered what to do. Her conclusion was made clear as she sauntered towards him like a Victoria's Secret model strutting down a catwalk in the latest line of black lingerie. She ogled him seductively while a coy smile stretched across her mouth. She then pushed him onto his back before climbing on top and straddling his still-clothed body. "Let me give you a better view," she growled as she hovered on top of him. She pulled the ponytail holder out of her golden brown hair and shook her head from side to side to let the strands cascade over her shoulders and dangle down towards Derek. A whiff of her cinnamon-scented lotion floated around him as he braced his hands on her hips and positioned her on the tented fabric of his pants. She leaned down, gracing his jaw with wet kisses that ran towards the sensitive skin of his earlobe.

"Is this what you wanted?" she murmured in between kisses. He loved it when she nipped and sucked on his ear, and he started grinding against her even more as her tongue reached that particular destination.

"Yes," he groaned back. As soon as he was content with the rhythm they'd established, he slid his hands up towards her breasts, cupping his hands over the lacy fabric of her bra and squeezing gently.

"See, this wasn't such a bad idea, was it," he murmured. His eyes rolled back into his head and his lids dropped as he reacted to the friction of his erection straining against too much obstructive clothing.

"Not. At. All," Meredith responded breathlessly as she leaned back and tugged at the dress shirt that remained half unbuttoned and tucked into his pants. Her fingers made quick work of the four buttons that remained, and she flung the shirt wide open, sliding her hands over the cotton of his undershirt as she pushed away the button-down shirt. She leaned back down towards him, meeting his tongue with hers as she fought to completely remove his clothing. He was just starting to assist her with the shirt when a knock at the door interrupted them.

Meredith sat straight up, still straddling Derek, as a fearful, wide-eyed look spread across her flushed face.

"Wha--" Derek started, but the door flung open before he even had a chance to finish the syllable.

Meredith shrieked and tumbled off of Derek, perhaps unintentionally falling to the floor in the process. He heard Mark yell a quick "Sorry" before the door slammed shut again, leaving Derek barely able to process the events that had just transpired.

"What the…what the hell?" he yelled in disbelief. "Mark!" He sat up and turned towards Meredith who was scampering across the floor like a mouse who had been caught stealing a crumble of cheese, desperate for escape and looking for cover.

"I'm sorry," Mark yelled amusedly through the door. "I didn't know you guys were up here yet, and I wanted to use your john."

Derek groaned and scratched in frustration at the curls on the back of his head. "Well, you should wait for an answer after you knock!" he barked.

"Sorry. I figured the door would be locked if you were in here," Mark apologized again.

"You didn't lock the door?" Meredith accused as she quickly threw on a tee shirt. Her voice was frantic, but hushed. There wasn't really any point to her whispering at this stage, however. The whole family was probably privy to their debauchery given the exchange he was having with Mark through the door.

"Can I come in and use your bathroom now?" Mark asked after a few seconds passed. "The others are occupied, and I don't want to go downstairs."

"No!" Derek and Meredith shot back in unison as Meredith located her blue jeans and practically tripped her way into them. Derek sent her glances that told her she shouldn't bother getting dressed, but she was clearly ignoring them. The mood had already been killed.

They heard Mark grumble something followed by the thudding footsteps of someone heading downstairs. Derek shook his head in disbelief as he stood to finish changing his own clothes.

"So much for that idea," he muttered mostly to himself.

"Yeah," Meredith sighed, her voice tinged with the barest hint of an _I told you so_.

"I can't wait to be back in Seattle…Our own place…our own bed," he recounted. He was grateful for the full week away from work and the opportunity to spend time with his family, especially now that the funeral was behind him, but part of him missed the routines he and Meredith had established in Seattle.

Meredith collapsed back into the chair, her expression an awkward mix of frustration and confusion. She was staring off toward the door, her mouth partially open, and her gaze fixed on nothing in particular.

"Hey," he said as he tried to regain her attention. Her eyes flashed back towards him for a moment. "I'm sorry - about the door. I should have locked it. I won't make that mistake twice," he apologized. He quickly moved towards the door and clicked the knob into a locked position as if to prove his point.

"Okay, thanks," she replied simply as if she was not quite registering his comment. Her focus wandered away from him again.

"We could try again since it's locked now," he suggested playfully.

Meredith released a half-hearted laugh and shook her head no. "I don't think so, Derek," she sighed. Her smile faded quickly and her eyes glossed over with thought.

"Are you okay?" he prodded.

She lifted her eyebrows and shook her head, coming out of a daze. "Yeah, fine. Why?" She smiled at him in the way that said something was wrong but she was doing her best to cover it up so he wouldn't worry.

She wasn't particularly good at that expression.

"You're thinking about something. I can tell. You have that deep, concentrated look," he explained.

"Deep, concentrated look?" she repeated.

"I see it in surgery sometimes. When you're not making sexy eyes at me," he teased.

Meredith grabbed a pair of balled up socks and launched them across the room at Derek, missing by a wide margin but grinning anyway. "I do _not_ make sexy eyes at you in the OR."

"It's not a big deal – no one else can tell that you're making sexy eyes because they don't really know your sex looks like I do," he flirted.

"Seriously? If anyone makes inappropriate eyes it's you. You are incapable of thinking about anything but sex. It's sad, really," she shot back.

"Well, maybe you can find time later to help me work through my addiction," he suggested. A wide grin flashed across his mouth as he pulled a gray v-neck sweater over his white undershirt.

"Maybe," she smiled back.

They lingered comfortably in the silence for a few moments before Meredith's posture began to shift again. She glanced back at Derek and noticed that he was still watching her, silently encouraging her to speak.

"I need to call Cristina," she quietly admitted.

"Oh," Derek replied. He looked towards the door, trying to hide his disappointment and the lingering jealousy he had of her "person."

"I asked her to pick me up at the airport tonight," Meredith explained. "I need to cancel that," she quickly added before Derek had an opportunity to misinterpret her intentions.

"Ah," he voiced. "Are you sure you want to stay? I mean, I obviously want you to stay, but I'd understand if you wanted to go home now." His head tilted slightly to the left, his tone low and serious.

"Derek," Meredith started as she stood and walked towards him. "I'm not going home without you. Yesterday…well, yesterday you were moving to Connecticut and the family hated me, and I didn't want to be here, and today, at least, I know that you're sticking around, and as along as that's the case, I'm here too. For you. I'm staying," she explained. She slid her arms around his waist and folded her arms around him. "No more leaving," she murmured.

Derek exhaled, relieved that she wouldn't be taking advantage of the out he was giving her.

"Okay," he answered as he pulled away from her hug. "I'll just go downstairs then to give you some privacy," he added. He fastened his belt buckle and slid on his black loafers. "You'll come down in a few minutes?"

"Sure," she smiled warmly.

He kissed the top of her head gently before making his way out of the room.

The sounds of laughing and music from the family room quickly informed Derek where he could find several members of his family. The majority of his nieces and nephews were scattered throughout the room, occupied with various toys, games, and the Disney movie playing on the television. An assortment of sippy cups littered the coffee table, and a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich sat abandoned on a napkin near the edge. Kathy appeared to be the adult currently assigned to supervise, and she was curled up in an oversized chair off to the side of the room where she had the best vantage point of all the action and little likelihood of getting in the way.

"Hey," Kathy perked up immediately at the sight of another adult in the room.

"How did you get designated babysitter?" Derek asked as he moved a stuffed animal out of the corner of the couch nearest his sister and sat down.

"I'm not exactly sure," she admitted, "but I don't mind. It's not like mine are little anymore," she acknowledged. "Where's Meredith?"

"Still upstairs changing," Derek replied. He nervously fidgeted with the fabric on the arm of the sofa. He hadn't said much to his older sisters since his defense of Meredith the night before, and he was dreading any conversation that steered its way back towards that topic. He thought about wandering the rest of the house in search of his younger sisters or Mark, but he found himself immobile, as if his body was forcing him to stay and talk to Kathy whether he wanted to or not. He rationalized this would probably be the first room Meredith would look for him in once she decided to come downstairs anyway.

"I just wanted to let you know…" Kathy started.

Derek's shoulders stiffened, bracing for whatever was about to be said.

"I'm sorry for the way that I've treated you and Meredith these last few days. I've been a mess, not that it's an excuse, and I just…I didn't know what to expect, and Nancy…"

"It's okay," Derek sighed. "It's fine." He wasn't in the mood to get into another drawn out conversation about his relationship. He just wanted them to accept it and move on.

"It's not fine. You're different around her, and I feel guilty—"

"Different how?" Derek interrupted.

"Different better," she reassured. "A good different. She brings out another side of you that's lovely to see, and once I let myself see that…Well, I'm not worried anymore. Not about you."

Derek relaxed against the cushions and stopped fidgeting with the arm of the sofa. "Thanks," he murmured. "That means a lot to me," he conceded.

"I just..." her voice trailed off. "I'm bad with the overprotective big sister thing. I know that I overstep boundaries sometimes, and I don't like hearing that I'm wrong when I do. But at least I can admit it. And I was wrong about you and Meredith."

Derek nodded slowly in agreement, a smile spreading slowly across his lips. "Finally, you admit being wrong about something," he teased.

"Pretty shocking, huh?" she shot back. She leaned to her side and stretched her legs before changing the subject. "So tonight…"

"Yeah?" Derek responded. He leaned forward in anticipation.

"I was thinking that we could get one of the older kids to babysit and have a Shepherd family poker game," she suggested. Her eyes were sparkling mischievously for the first time the entire visit, and Derek couldn't help but grin back eagerly.

"Really? Tonight?" he questioned. The family had a long tradition of playing poker at nickel-dime stakes over family get-togethers, even after the siblings started making six figures a piece. It was always an entertaining jostle for bragging rights, and it had been years since they'd all been together to play.

"Did you have something else that you wanted to do instead?" she asked.

"Definitely not; I'm in. I'll get Meredith to play, too. It sounds like fun," he replied. "You get everyone else to play, and I'll get the supplies," he agreed.

Kathy laughed. "Sounds like a deal."

The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs sprang Derek into action. He quickly jumped up from the couch and rushed to the entrance of the room to intercept Meredith. She looked at him quizzically while he snared her in a hug.

"You need to grab your coat," he instructed.

"My coat?" she replied.

"I need to run some errands, and I thought you'd like to tag along," he explained as he released her from his grip.

"Okay," she said. A suspicious smile quirked the corners of her mouth upward, and she scrunched her nose slightly as she turned back towards the front closet. "What kind of errands?"

"Surprise errands. Fun errands," he responded, trying to maintain a sense of mystery around his quest.

"Are you taking me to the secret hide-out that you and Mark had?" she asked. She pulled Derek's coat out of the closet and handed it to him.

"Interesting thought, but no, that's not it," he replied.

"Hmmm…" she sighed. Her brow furrowed and her face pinched with concentration as she slid her arms through the sleeves of her own jacket. "Well, if you're going to try to get me to make out with you in the car, you're not going to have much luck," she teased.

"The back seat is large, and we do have heated seats," he shot back.

Meredith giggled and reached for his hand, her soft fingers temporarily interlacing with his before moving into a more comfortable position.

"I love you," he murmured as he drew her closer.

She leaned up and kissed his cheek and whispered a quick "I love you, too," before they walked out the front door. They were being flirty and playful again, and it left Derek feeling tremendously relieved. Maybe the worst was finally over between them.

---------------------------

"So, a flush beats a straight?" Meredith inquired as she settled into a chair at the dining room table that was now covered by a green felt mat. Derek was forced to confess the plans for the evening after getting seventy dollars worth of nickels, dimes, and quarters at the bank, and she maintained a steady stream of questions afterwards.

"Yes," Derek explained. "And if you have a straight, it can't count as a low. Some people play that it can, but our family definitely doesn't," he clarified as he continued to explain the rules of seven card high-low. He was neatly piling the coins in front of him, planning to use the change as an alternative to poker chips.

Meredith nodded to confirm her understanding as she tore into a bag of Cheetos. Derek had insisted that they needed good poker snacks, and it was one of the few times he actually gave her free reign in the snack aisle without questioning her cholesterol intake. She was ready to savor that mini-victory.

"Do you want to play a few hands so you can practice?" he asked as he twisted the cap off his beer.

"She doesn't need practice. Practice is for losers. Haven't you ever heard of beginner's luck?" Mark interjected as he determined which chair would be the luckiest of the evening. He ultimately settled on one directly across from Meredith. Derek sat to her right.

"Maybe I'll just watch the first few hands until I get the hang of it," she commented. She reached over and took a swig from Derek's beer bottle, effectively conveying the message that he should either get one for her or plan to share.

"You don't need to watch. If I fold, I'll help you, and if you lose…" Derek started.

"We'll change it into strip poker," Mark interrupted.

Derek continued, completely ignoring the comment. "I'll bankroll you tonight."

"You'll be my sugar daddy?" Meredith teased.

"Yes," he replied. He confidently moved a few stacks of coins in front of Meredith and made a special effort to flirtatiously invade her personal space in the process.

The table quickly filled in with the remaining Shepherd siblings and a few spouses. Derek noticed that Meredith grimaced slightly as Nancy took the seat to her left, and he quickly reached over to squeeze her hand reassuringly. He then proceeded to trade cash for stacks of coins, pleased with his roll as banker.

"So you're new to the game?" Nancy asked Meredith as she separated her change into even piles of nickels, dimes, and quarters.

Meredith nodded timidly.

"The game will be pretty tame for the first couple hours – until one of the guys starts to lose and pout or until someone starts to get drunk. Seeing that alone will be worth the cost of admission," Nancy explained.

Derek sensed how much of an effort Nancy was making to reach out to Meredith, and he quickly winked at his older sister to thank her for her effort. She merely smiled and continued to engage in conversation.

"Is there someone that typically wins? Who should I watch out for?" Meredith queried.

"Well, you obviously know you can never trust Mark," Nancy started.

"Hey, I resent that," Mark pouted.

"Resent away, loser," Nancy shot back playfully. "You'll be resenting a lot more than that by the end of the night."

"Nancy's the trash-talker," Kathy added. "But she doesn't usually attack the new players – unless you really beat her badly."

"I'll go easy on you," Nancy assured. "There are so many other targets here this evening." She smiled at Anna and Sarah as they bought coins to play with and filled in the remaining seats.

"Derek is generally pretty good," Nancy explained.

"Thank you," Derek replied to the rare compliment delivered by his sister.

"But he'll get cocky and start making reckless plays so that he loses most of what he's won."

He slouched slightly in his chair at that comment. He knew it was true.

"I'll give you tips throughout the night if you need them," Nancy agreed. "Don't feel like Derek needs to be the only expert at the table." She smiled warmly at Meredith before reaching for the deck of cards and shuffling.

"Thanks," Meredith answered. She shifted so that her petite frame was kneeling in the chair and peering out at her competitors. Her hands rested limply against her thighs as she studied her new playing field, and Derek couldn't help but grin at the sight. It reminded him of the first time they were in surgery together.

The first round of cards was dealt, and Derek quickly folded. He actually had a decent starting hand, but he wanted to be available to consult Meredith. She carefully fanned her down cards over to him, and he advised her to bet and later raise. She followed directions and ended up winning a good sized pot after a few more rounds of dealing and betting. She giddily bounced in her chair as she stacked up the loose change in front of her. Mark grumbled something about beginner's luck, while Derek continued choosing to fold and coach rather than play.

By the time they took their first formal break, about an hour into the game, Meredith had won the most money by far. She grinned excitedly and calculated her early winnings while the others went to refill snacks, drinks, and use the bathroom. Derek rested his head against his hand as he watched her.

"I've won eight dollars," she beamed.

"That's quite an accomplishment given the stakes we're playing," Derek nodded. His smile reached the corners of his eyes. It was the first time he could genuinely confess to being happy in days.

"I am going to buy you lunch tomorrow," Meredith announced proudly.

"Remember what Nancy said about getting cocky and reckless," Derek advised.

Meredith frowned and scrunched her eyebrows closer together. "Should I quit while I'm ahead?" she asked.

"No, that's another rule at the Shepherd family game. You can't quit until everyone else quits. We want you to have an opportunity to lose it back."

"But what if you lose and run out of money?" she prodded. She seemed genuinely concerned about that possibility.

"Well, then I can either buy more or just watch, but that's not going to happen. I think I'm going to start playing now. You seem to have this under control," he explained.

"Oh," she responded. She began gnawing on her lower lip, dragging her teeth across its smooth surface. "So you've been intentionally trying to lose to help me?" she accused.

"It's not a big deal," he defended. "You're new, and I thought…"

"I'm good. I can handle this game on my own," she insisted like a five-year-old that demanded to have training wheels removed from her bike.

He hoped that it wasn't too soon.

"Fine," he concluded. He playfully scooted his chair a few extra inches away from hers, signaling how independent she would have to be. Her green eyes gleamed at the gesture, and she began rearranging her stacks of money.

The next couple hours continued along a similar course with Meredith winning consistently, though not at the same pace she had been during the first hour. It was after eleven o'clock, and Derek was getting low on money. He thought about buying more change from another player – in this case, Meredith – but his ego wouldn't quite let him. He was certain that if he just won a big pot, he'd be back in the game.

He looked down at the three cards dealt to him, two face down and one face up. He held a pair of nines, and the card face up was an ace. He casually bet and called Meredith's raise, feeling slightly guilty that he was taking advantage of a new player in the process. The next card he was dealt was another nine, giving him an incredibly powerful hand after only four cards. He continued to move as much money into the pot as the betting structure allowed. He tried to signal covertly to Meredith to fold because he didn't want her to lose to him, but she merely gave him a defiant look and proceeded to raise his bet, mumbling something about "feeling lucky" in the process.

The fifth card dealt to Derek was not terribly helpful, but he nearly fell out of his chair when the sixth card dealt to him was the fourth and final nine in the deck, giving him a pair of nines exposed and a pair of nines hidden in his hand. He tried his best to maintain composure and continued to slide money into the pot at a pace only rivaled by Meredith.

After the seventh card was dealt, only Mark, Meredith, and Derek remained in the hand. Mark was clearly trying to make the worst hand for half of the pot, leaving Meredith and Derek to battle it out for the other half. Derek bet, only to have Meredith raise the stakes at every opportunity. Eventually she ignored the betting structure altogether.

"Derek, I love you, but I'm winning this hand. You need to stop raising and just call," she explained calmly.

Derek looked back at his cards before studying hers. She had three cards with diamonds on them exposed, and he carefully considered the possible hands that she could have. Certainly she had a flush, but his four nines would beat that hand. The only hand he could lose to was a straight flush, and the odds of that happening were so unlikely that he could quickly dismiss them. Ultimately he shook his head no. "I'm going to raise…"

"Five dollars," Meredith blurted. "Screw the betting structure. If you think you've got this, man up and pay," she teased. He felt his skin flush slightly amidst the chatter and giggles around him.

"Make it ten," he shot back as he reached for his wallet.

"Twenty," Meredith replied.

Derek's jaw dropped in disbelief. He was stunned by how certain she was that she was going to win, and he felt a little guilty about the prospect of quickly stealing away all of her winnings for the night and then some. "Fine, I call," he answered more for her sake than his.

"Straight flush," she said confidently as she flipped over her down cards. Sure enough, she had five consecutive cards of the same suit.

Derek blinked repeatedly, certain that he was dreaming. "Do you know what the odds of that are?" he mumbled.

"What did you have?" Mark inquired. He reached over to turn Derek's cards face up when he realized that Derek wouldn't be doing it himself. Everyone at the table gasped when they saw that Derek had four-of-a-kind and lost.

Meredith clapped her hands together in delight and began taking her half of the pot, adding to an already oversized mound of coins and cash in front of her.

"I told you to fold," she shrugged innocently during a momentary lapse in her counting.

"That's just…it's…" Derek stammered, unable to produce a coherent thought.

"It's the most insane hand I've ever seen," Nancy commented. "And perhaps a good hand to end the night on."

The rest of the players agreed and began counting out their coins to trade back in for cash. Derek was far too shocked to resume his role as banker, so he passed the job onto Mark instead and got up from the table. He ran both hands through his hair, thinking of ways he could have figured out that she had a straight flush, but he couldn't think of a single mistake he'd made.

Meredith traded out her coins and collected the cash she won from Derek in the last hand, fanning forty dollars in front of her as she bounded over to him.

"I will buy you lunch tomorrow _and_ the day after," she insisted. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him quickly on the lips.

"Are you tired?" he asked. He wasn't necessarily ready to go to bed, but he sensed that was the direction that most of his siblings were heading.

Meredith shrugged. "We could go upstairs if you want," she answered noncommittally.

They quickly said goodnight to everyone else before making their way back to the bedroom. Derek attentively locked their door before tackling her into the bed. He wasn't going to make the same mistake twice.

"You played really well tonight, Meredith," he complimented.

She bit her lower lip again, and her green eyes flickered with glee. "I have a confession to make," she whispered conspiratorially.

Derek perked up and looked at her, waiting for the latest information she might divulge.

"You know how Izzie put herself through school by modeling?" she started.

Derek nodded.

"I played poker," she admitted. "House games mostly with an occasional trip down to Foxwoods," she explained. Foxwoods was a popular casino in New England, only a few hours away from Dartmouth.

A huge smile spread across Derek's face. "So, you pretty much hustled me and my family tonight," he concluded.

"Well," she sighed. "Mostly just you. I didn't think it would be fair to use all of my poker playing talents with them. I still want them to like me."

"Do you know what I think about that?" he asked. He quickly started tickling her sides, causing her to shriek and gasp for breath. Eventually she grabbed a pillow and started hitting him with it to get him stop, and they both found themselves lying in a breathless, tired embrace.

Derek stared at her flushed, angelic face and wiped away some stray wisps of hair that were dropping into her eyes. He pulled her closer and stared, an ocean of emotions welling up inside him.

"It wasn't a mistake, you know," he eventually whispered. "The engagement wasn't a mistake."

Meredith smiled. "I know," she said simply, and before the conversation had a chance to continue, she covered his mouth with her own.


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Note: I want to apologize profusely for taking so long with this update. I got very bogged down with my 3-D life, and it was hard to get back into the writing routine once life returned to normal. I promise that stretch is over, and I will be updating much more regularly from here on out. And thanks for the many awesome reviews. Seriously. They brighten my day a ton and keep me motivated to return to fic writing even when the rest of my life feels impossible. I know I haven't responded to everyone in the last month, but I've read each and every review, and they always bring a smile to face. Thanks for being so patient with me!**

Meredith blinked several times in rapid succession as she tried to make sense of the large brown eyes staring back at her. Brown, not blue.

"You snore," declared a small, but assertive voice.

Meredith blinked again with the realization that she was, in fact, awake slowly carrying her out of her dreamlike trance.

"Why do you snore?" Regan asked as she continued to ogle Meredith with unbridled intensity.

"I, uh…" Meredith hesitated as she pulled the down comforter up to her chin and buried herself beneath it.

Regan continued to wait for an explanation.

"It's a breathing thing," Meredith finally mumbled, still trying to make sense of her unusual wake up call. As she surveyed the rest of the bedroom, traces of Derek were nowhere to be found.

"Oh," Regan said, shockingly satisfied by the response.

"Have you seen Uncle Derek?" Meredith asked with a voice nearly as tiny and far more timid than the six-year-old child's.

"Yup," Regan grinned. She folded her small fingers in her lap with pride, but neglected to say anything further about his whereabouts. "Are you going to get married? Mommy says you two are going to get married. That's why you sleep in the same bed together."

Meredith felt her cheeks redden as she hoped this was just another weird dream.

"Where did you see Uncle Derek?" Meredith pressed, hoping to change the subject.

"He's in the kitchen. He told me to wake you up," Regan explained innocently.

"I'm up," Meredith assured.

"He said I couldn't come downstairs until you got out of bed. He said you'd fall back asleep if I left you," Regan urged. She continued to watch Meredith expectantly, as if she was preparing to see her leap from the bed. Or possibly she was bracing herself for another onslaught of snores. Meredith wasn't quite sure which.

"Okay, I'll get up," Meredith insisted. She forced a smile in an effort to say that Regan could leave, but the child didn't budge. She merely nodded and continued to watch. "Okay, getting up now," she tried again as she inched towards the edge of the bed.

Regan pushed up the sleeves on her pink and yellow butterfly pajamas and scampered closer to Meredith so there could be no turning back. If Meredith was trying to trick Regan into believing that she was getting out of bed when she wasn't, Regan was going to make sure that the space on the bed was no longer available.

Meredith groaned and grabbed a pair of flannel pajama bottoms off the floor as she swung her bare legs out from beneath the covers. Her gray Dartmouth tee shirt hung midway down her thigh, making it more of a nightshirt than a tee shirt anyway, so she didn't feel the need to be excessively modest in Regan's presence.

"Uncle Derek said you're slow in mornings," Regan commented as Meredith stood up from the bed and pulled the pajama bottoms up to her waist.

"He did, did he? What else did he say?" Meredith asked, slightly unnerved by the not-quite-four-foot person in front of her.

"He said you're ticklish so if you don't move quick, I should tickle you. And if that doesn't work, call him for help," Regan stated with determination.

"I see," Meredith responded, finding it hard to suppress the smile creeping across her lips. "Well I'm up, so there's no need for tickling," she managed as she walked over to the dresser and pulled out a pair of socks.

"Okay, let's go," Regan insisted as she rolled off the bed and practically ran over to Meredith. She gripped Meredith's hand tightly and tried to pull her out the door. Meredith followed, the socks still clutched in her hand rather than on her feet.

"Uncle Derek! We're coming!" the little girl called as she moved down the stairs as fast as her legs would carry her. The task of holding onto Meredith's hand was abandoned as the child clung to the railing instead, but Meredith stayed close behind.

Derek came to the base of the steps to meet them before they made it all the way down. He was fully dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, and he was wearing an old Boston Red Sox cap that Meredith had never seen before. He quickly intercepted Regan from the steps and swung her around him, releasing a flourish of giggles with each dip and rise.

"Did she give you any trouble?" he interrogated seriously once Regan was safely back on the ground and had caught her breath.

Meredith sat on the steps and slid the socks over her cold feet as she listened.

"Not so much," Regan responded just as seriously.

"Did you have to tickle her?" he pressed further.

"Nope. She got up on her own," she confirmed.

"Alright. I think your work here is done." He messed her long brown hair playfully and smiled as she scampered back into the family room to join her cousins.

"She certainly is persistent," Meredith commented as soon as Regan was gone. She held out her arms to Derek to encourage him to help her stand back up off the steps.

"That's why I chose her," he confirmed as he lifted Meredith to her feet.

"How long have you been up?" Meredith inquired as she followed Derek into the kitchen. Mark was hovering over something on the stove, and Derek gestured for her to sit at one of the bar stools near the island as he moved towards the counter.

"Since before dawn," Derek admitted. "We went fishing." He held up a newly gutted fish with pride before passing it over to Mark to finish preparing it for breakfast.

Meredith's stomach wrenched a bit at the smell, but she forced a meek smile. She hadn't ever fully understood Derek's love for fishing. The one time that Derek convinced her to go fishing with him at the trailer she ended up falling asleep in her chair on the dock. It seemed incredibly boring to her, and even once they managed to catch something, she didn't appreciate the work that went into cooking it.

She spotted a tray of freshly-baked cinnamon rolls, clearly Will's doing, and reached for one. Derek immediately frowned in response.

"I've gone to all this work to catch and make you breakfast and you're having a cinnamon roll?" he pouted.

Meredith immediately felt guilty, but the moment passed as soon as she inhaled the lingering fish aroma. "You assume that I can only eat one thing for breakfast," she shrugged playfully before taking a bite of the roll. A bit of sugary icing dribbled down her chin, and before she even had a chance to wipe it away, Derek leaned in and licked it off, kissing a sweet trail back up to her lips.

"Are you going to scramble some eggs or are you going to make out with Grey?" Mark barked as he continued to stand before the stove, spatula in hand.

Derek pulled away from Meredith and licked his lips. His eyes were sparkling more than Meredith had witnessed in days, and she had the sneaking suspicion that he was up to something. He casually moved back to the carton of eggs left on the counter and started cracking several into a bowl.

"So, what's got you in such a good mood this morning?" Meredith queried as she watched Derek whisk the eggs together with a fork, breaking up the yolks.

"I guess I just woke up this morning and felt suddenly refreshed. Maybe even optimistic. Ready for a fresh start," Derek explained without looking up from the eggs. "I don't get to come out here very often, and this is the first time you've had a chance to visit. Mom wouldn't want us to spend the whole trip moping around. Well, maybe a little moping," he corrected himself. "But she'd also want us to take advantage of our time out here and enjoy ourselves."

Mark turned and smirked but didn't say anything as Derek carried the bowl of eggs over to the stove and emptied them into a new sauté pan.

"So, you took advantage of the day by going fishing before dawn?" Meredith prodded, trying to figure out Derek's agenda.

"Yes," Derek confirmed, his back still towards Meredith as he cooked the eggs. "That, and making some reservations."

Meredith raised her eyebrows at the small kernel of information he divulged. "Reservations?" she pressed. Her eyes shifted between Derek and Mark, hoping that one of the two of them would reveal something.

"Reservations," Derek confirmed. He handed off egg scrambling duties to Mark as he reached for plates from the overhead cupboards. "We have plans for the day, and those plans start with breakfast."

"I see," Meredith answered. She slid her teeth over her bottom lip, thinking of other strategies to use to get him to crack.

"Are you ready for a day of wining and dining?" Derek volunteered, grinning mischievously as he passed her a hot mug of coffee and utensils for eating breakfast.

Meredith took the cup of coffee eagerly, letting the warmth that radiated from the ceramic heat her fingers. "What would that entail exactly?" she flirted.

"You, me, wining, dining…surprises," Derek shot back. She could tell by the way he was leaning against the countertop with his arms crossed that he wasn't willing to offer any additional morsel of information.

"What kind of surprises?" Meredith pushed anyway.

Mark turned off the stove and shook his head. "You two are exhausting," he mumbled. "Would you just agree to go along with his plans and get on with it? He woke me up and guilted me into fishing with him at four o'clock this morning, and we're lucky he didn't scare away the fish with all of his rambling."

Meredith smiled at Mark, secretly grateful that he had entertained Derek for so long this morning so she could sleep. She knew that she wasn't going to get more specific details out of either one, so she would just have to agree to go along and hope for the best.

"Okay," she giggled sheepishly. "Wine and dine me, Derek. Whatever you want to do." She swung her hands out as she spoke, momentarily forgetting that she was holding a mug of coffee in one of them. The coffee splashed over the side of her mug and puddled on the counter, immediately grabbing her attention as she tried to clean it up before he noticed.

Derek laughed and tossed her some napkins before plating their breakfasts.

"So, you'll have to tell me if you prefer east coast trout or west coast trout," he suggested as he placed her plate in front of her and settled on the stool beside her.

"You mean there's a difference?" Meredith asked, surprised by the premise of his question. She cut her fish and eggs with the side of her fork and scooped a bit of each into her mouth.

Mark rolled his eyes and carried his plate into the family room to leave them in privacy.

Meredith shrugged and nodded in approval as she swallowed. "It's good," she complimented before reaching for her coffee to wash it down. _Not something I want to eat more than once a month, but more edible than I expected_, she thought to herself.

Derek beamed with pride as he started in on his own plate.

"So," Meredith started, not willing to let Derek off the hook entirely with his so-called plans. "Will anyone else from your family be involved in our day of surprise wining and dining?"

"No, no one that we know. Just the two of us," Derek revealed.

"Will we be here in Connecticut?"

"No."

Meredith smiled at the new bit of information and took another bite of her eggs. She hoped that Derek wouldn't notice that she wasn't eating the trout so much. "Where are we going? When will we back? Do I need to pack?" she suddenly gushed with questions, unable to stop herself from blurting them out despite the fact that she had food in her mouth.

Derek chuckled. He clearly enjoyed tormenting her like this. He dropped his fork to his plate and leaned in towards her, his breath damp and warm against her ear. "You don't need clothes where we're going," he murmured. He squeezed her thigh and leaned back, even more amused with himself, if that was even possible. "But," he shrugged, "if you decide you want clothes, I will handle all of the packing. We'll be back tomorrow morning. Eat up so we can go shower and get ready. We need to leave in an hour."

That was it. No more information.

Meredith quickly finished her breakfast and jogged back upstairs, resigned to the mystery of where they were going to escape for the day. She had to admit that she was open to pretty much anything that Derek had in mind. The idea of a full day alone with him and without his family would be a welcome break from the stress of being under the microscope all the time. She would finally have an opportunity to relax and be herself and not worry what other people thought. Or heard. If she was going to make it until their trip home on Sunday, it was just what she needed.

Of course he thought of that. He was always thinking of what she needed.

"You're going to shower, too, right?" Meredith asked as she started browsing the clean clothes left in their closet. She realized that she had absolutely no idea what she should plan to wear for the day.

"Yeah, but I'm going to pack first," Derek responded as he closed and locked their bedroom door. Apparently he had learned his lesson from the day before after all.

Meredith slid her pajama bottoms off, revealing her silky legs in the process. "You won't join me?" she half-pouted.

Derek's eyes trailed up and down her body, dancing along each curve. "I can pack quickly," he insisted. His eyes glimmered with anticipation.

"Okay," Meredith agreed. She intentionally removed the rest of her clothing, stripping off her oversized tee shirt and panties in the middle of the bedroom so she could walk completely naked in front of him. _A preview for later_, she rationalized. She felt her feet hit the cold tile floor of the bathroom and carefully closed the door behind her. She turned the shower on and lingered in front of the mirror as a steady spray of steam started to take over the room. She wasn't in any rush to get in the shower yet, and she suspected that she'd be in there for a while if Derek's practically drooling expression was any indication. She ran her hands over her neck, kneading it gently as she rolled her head in circles. She then made a few playful, flirty faces at the mirror until it had fogged over so much she couldn't see her expression. Taking that as a cue that she should probably stop stalling, she climbed in the shower.

The spray was a little too hot, and while it felt like tiny pins were poking at her shoulders, she didn't bother to reduce the temperature. Instead, she let her body adjust and watched as her skin turned slightly pink. She grabbed the bar of soap and started to work up a frothy lather as she heard the creak of the bathroom door opening. Even through the fogged glass of the shower door, she could see Derek quickly stripping, and soon he was standing beside her jockeying to get under the shower head.

"We are going to have a wonderful day, Dr. Grey," Derek asserted as he leaned down to kiss Meredith. His hands slid along her arms, and the bar of soap she had been holding dropped to the floor.

"What's gotten into you today?" Meredith wondered aloud. "You're…you're just…"

Derek shrugged and hunched down to retrieve the soap. He was completely oblivious to the fact that her eyes were fixed on his every move.

"Was it last night? The sex?" she asked once he stood back up.

Derek waggled his eyebrows and grinned. "The sex was good – great even – but it wasn't the sex." He traded places with her to give her better access to the spray of water.

Meredith frowned as she continued to figure out his mysterious behavior.

_The engagement wasn't a mistake…_

The exchange from last night suddenly hit her. He said it wasn't a mistake, and she agreed with him. For the first time all week, she had let down her guard and acknowledged how she felt without trying to censor it or manipulate it in some way that protected one or both of them. If she wondered what was different, _that_ was it.

Meredith splayed her palms against Derek's chest and nuzzled against his neck. Even though she finally thought she understood the impetus for his behavior, she wasn't ready to be the first to bring up the topic. "Was it the poker game? How can I buy you lunch today if I don't even know where we'll be?"

Derek laughed. "I'm sure we'll be able to find a place within your budget."

"Well, then?" Meredith pouted.

"Well what?"

"What's up with you today? You're practically giddy!" she remarked as she stepped back to look at him. His eyes sparkled and a smile seemed to be permanently painted across his face.

"I don't know, Mere… We're _us_. Normal us. The Meredith and Derek with amazing careers, an apartment waiting for us in Seattle, and plans for the future again. That's pretty exciting, don't you think?" Derek confessed. His head tilted slightly to one side as he waited for her reaction, and he didn't seem to mind the steady trickle of water down his cheek.

Meredith felt her pulse quicken as she comprehended his admission. _Did he think they were already back to being engaged? Had he somehow misinterpreted her acknowledgement that the engagement wasn't a mistake?_

"Derek," she said, shaking her head tentatively. "We said we wouldn't…"

"Shhh," Derek whispered as he placed two fingers against her lips. "I know what we said."

Meredith relaxed slightly with the reassurance, but she still felt completely lost in his emotional one-eighty. She watched him carefully as he moved his hand down to her shoulder and squeezed it lovingly.

"You're amazing, Meredith," he admitted. His voice waivered slightly as if he was unprepared to describe the enormity of his feelings. "This entire week, the only way that I've been able to get through all of this – any of this – is because you've been here to keep me grounded and give me hope. It's like you're a constant reminder that life will go on in a world without Mom, and I want you to know how much that means to me."

Meredith found herself staring at him again, completely speechless. She didn't feel like she had done much of anything this week except stir up trouble and get in the way of the time that Derek should have been spending with his family. And yet, he continued to say things that made her knees weak and her tongue unable to function. All she could do was blink away the water trickling down her face and stare.

Derek took a deep breath and started up again. "This week had to be hell on you, too. New place, strange surroundings, my family – and I know you think you don't do family things well, even though you do. Friday night when you said yes, everything seemed so perfect for both of us, and I really want to get back to that, not have it ruined by something completely out of our control."

"It's okay, Derek," Meredith lied. "Someday…"

"No, it's not okay," he interrupted. "When you think back to the night we got engaged, I want nothing but happiness radiating from your face, not this apprehension and doubt over the timing and whether it was a good idea."

"So what are you saying," Meredith countered. "You want to ignore the fact that our night was interrupted by all of this?"

"No, I'm not saying that at all," Derek answered. "I guess...Well, I guess I'm taking it back."

"_What_?" Meredith involuntarily shrieked.

"Yeah," Derek answered, and a slight chuckle escaped as well. "I'm taking it back. I am withdrawing my proposal. Taking a mulligan." He moved her out from under the shower head so he could start washing his hair, and while she sensed that he was still smiling, she was completely flabbergasted by his latest move.

_He took it back? And "taking a mulligan?" Those are the words every girl wants to hear about a proposal…_

"Can you do that?" Meredith finally voiced with shock.

"I just did," Derek responded nonchalantly as he worked the shampoo into a lather and rinsed it quickly from his hair.

Meredith only realized that her jaw was hanging open when she noticed the bitter taste of soap splattering into her mouth. She pursed her lips together and swallowed. She hadn't wanted the engagement this week, but never would she have predicted that he'd rescind it. It had been her security blanket. She knew that she had the power to say the engagement was back on, and while she wanted to wait until they were safely settled back in Seattle before considering that option, it was good to know that it existed. Now that world was being tipped on its side, leaving her with no clue what Derek was thinking or when, if ever, he would be popping the question again. All she could do was wait and wonder.

Derek kissed her softly on the cheek, interrupting her thoughts. "Hurry up, Mere. We have places to go, things to do. Wining and dining await," he urged as he stepped out of the shower.

Meredith shuddered at the cool air that briefly breezed through the open shower door. She watched through the foggy door as he dried himself off and started the rest of his morning ritual at the sink. Her fingers were starting to prune, and while she wanted to linger in the shower alone to figure all of this out, she knew that she'd need to get out and join him soon. She reluctantly finished washing her hair and prepared herself for Derek's mystery plans.

She generally hated surprises, and today, Derek seemed to be full of them.


	28. Chapter 28

**Author's Note: Well, my life has seemed to normalize a bit so that I can get back to writing again. I even started another ****project(****!) as this one is starting to wind down. Thank you so much for all of the patience, support, and awesome reviews for the last chapter. They mean a lot to me and are highly effective in kicking my butt back into writing gear. So feel free to keep the feedback coming! **

**---------------------------**

"Okay, seriously? You need to slow down," Meredith barked as she leaned into the passenger door for the third time after Derek had taken a curve too quickly.

"We can't be late," Derek argued. "Maybe if you hadn't taken so long getting ready this morning…"

"Well, maybe if you had told me that we were going to be driving two hours at breakneck speeds to fit your schedule," Meredith groused back. She had been on edge the entire drive, wondering where they were going and how long it would take to get there while Derek hid smugly behind his dark sunglasses. If he was planning to propose, this would not be a good time for it. He wouldn't get an answer he'd want to hear. And if he wanted to pick a fight, she was more than willing to fire back.

"I can't reschedule this. I had to work some serious charm to get this set up as it is. We can't be late," he repeated as he jammed on the brakes to skitter around an exit ramp and merge onto a smaller highway.

Meredith huffed stubbornly and sank back into her seat. It wasn't even eleven yet, and he was already stressed about their schedule. _How much had he planned for one day?_

"Trust me, Mere. You don't want this to be rescheduled anyway. It's exactly what we need," he reassured. He moved one hand down to Meredith's thigh and squeezed it lovingly, but the realization that he didn't have both hands on the wheel only made her tense more. He gingerly patted her leg and returned his complete attention to the road. The car's speed diminished rapidly as he ventured into a more residential section, and they both breathed a sigh of relief that their journey seemed to be ending. The divided highway dropped from two lanes on each side to one, and Meredith stared off at the quaint local eateries along the road. The trees lining the street looked as if they were on fire with their bright orange leaves not yet fallen and the sunlight beaming down brightly against them, and Meredith slowly found herself relaxing in the view.

"We're going to make it, I think," Derek sighed. His voice was still tinged with apprehension, and Meredith wondered to herself what, exactly, he was referring to. _Their appointment?__Their relationship?_

An inconspicuous wooden sign read "The Spa at Norwich Inn" in large scrolling letters, and Derek flipped on his turn signal. She couldn't quite make out the place as a huge line of hedges obstructed the view. Once Derek turned in, however, all of that changed. Before her was a sprawling brick mansion with white trim surrounded by lush lawns and cobblestone drives. A valet waited for them at the doorway, and Derek flashed a huge smile as he met Meredith's curious gaze.

"We're here," he announced as he put the car in park and practically flew out the door. The valet instantly opened Meredith's door and then took the keys from Derek, promising to park the car and deliver their bags promptly. Derek quickly took Meredith's hand and ushered her up the front steps into the lobby.

Meredith marveled at the marble floors and plush, inviting couches while Derek walked over to the check-in desk. He spoke in hushed tones while Meredith explored the area. A photo album on a large coffee table caught her attention, and she sank into the oversized couch to browse it while she waited. Pictures of celebrities graced the pages, quickly informing her that not only had Derek gone all out to plan this on short notice, but he also probably paid a good percentage of his salary to make it happen.

"You ready?" Derek asked, interrupting her thoughts. She quickly placed the leather-bound album back on the table and stood up. Her eyes were large and expectant, but she felt much more comfortable on her own two feet than sitting in the car. Whatever Derek had planned, especially here, she thought she could handle it.

"Where are we off to?" Meredith replied.

Derek took her hand and escorted her down a hallway. "Surprise number one," he smirked. He led her through the complex, passing stunning views of indoor and outdoor pools before climbing a series of stairs to a room marked "Windsor Suite."

"Is this ours?" Meredith hesitated as Derek fumbled with the key.

He nodded. "For the next twenty-four hours, it's all ours."

The electronic lock blinked green and the door handle turned easily, opening into a large two-room suite decorated in rich hues of primary colors. A living room with oversized furniture and a mini bar paved the way to the master bedroom with a hulking king-sized canopy bed. Off the bedroom was a bathroom that felt roughly the size of Derek's entire trailer. Marble countertops and floors surrounded a huge Jacuzzi tub with a separate shower.

"Will this suit your needs?" Derek asked playfully as he watched Meredith take it all in.

"Uh, this room might be bigger than our apartment. I think I can rough it for the next day," she joked back.

"Good," Derek replied as he wrapped his arms around her in a huge bear hug. "Because as far as I'm concerned, we won't have to set foot outside of these walls unless you want to."

Meredith spun around and looped her hands behind Derek's neck. "Is that a promise?" she purred.

"Absolutely," he answered. He leaned forward and kissed her longingly, exploring her mouth as if they had been apart for weeks, not hours. Meredith kissed him back with equal intensity, and slowly snaked her hands down his back and under his shirt.

"We should get undressed," she urged seductively as she tried to lift his tee shirt and sweater in one move.

"I agree," Derek answered, voice guttural and heavy. He blinked a couple times and stepped back suddenly, as if temporarily disoriented. "Robes. We need to get undressed and put on robes."

Meredith's face pinched in confusion as she watched Derek move to the closet in search of two bathrobes. He quickly located the cottony white spa robes and pulled them off their hangers.

"You'll want one of these. They'll be here any minute," he explained vaguely as he passed her a bathrobe.

"Who's going to be here?" she pressed.

"The masseurs. We're each getting a ninety-minute in-room Swedish massage. You're supposed to change into your robe before they get here," he clarified.

Meredith's jaw dropped. "Ninety minutes? In here?"

"Yeah," Derek smiled. "Surprise!" he declared self-mockingly.

Meredith giggled as she began peeling off her clothing. If all of the surprises were like this, she was certain the day would be wonderful.

----------------------------

Meredith slowly lifted her head from the king-sized bed and used her hands to prop herself up as she lounged on her stomach. A heavy haze of sleep and deep relaxation left her slightly disoriented, and she could vaguely make out the sound of the Jacuzzi filling with water in the bathroom.

"Hey," Derek said softly as she continued to look around the room.

She turned to face him, slightly surprised to find him lying in bed next to her.

"You fell asleep during your massage," he continued as he slid across the bed towards her. "I take it you felt pretty relaxed."

"Yeah," Meredith answered, and she lowered her head back to the bed, facing him. Her eyes scanned his face as she continued to make sense of the scene.

Derek reached over and pushed a wisp of her hair back behind her ear. "They're filling the tub for us before they leave," he explained, referring to the hotel masseurs. "Do you want to take a bubble bath with me? I know how much you like bubble baths," he encouraged. His blue eyes peered hopefully at Meredith, making it impossible for her to resist.

"Sure. Sounds nice," she murmured as she dipped back into the fog of sleep. She felt Derek pull closer to her and wrap his arms around her as if she was his own personal body pillow. His body was warm like the hot stones the masseur had used at one point, and he smelled of eucalyptus and spearmint massage oils. He kissed her forehead softly and tangled his fingers in her long honey-colored hair, gently pulling the strands away from her head before letting them fall in a cascade around her shoulders.

The running water in the bathroom stopped, and two sets of footsteps approached them, temporarily interrupting their blissful cocoon.

"Everything's all set. Just don't turn on the jets or the bubbles will get out of control. Enjoy your afternoon," a deep voice instructed.

"Thanks," Derek answered politely without breaking from the soft caresses of her head. The footsteps continued through the room towards the door, and the gentle click of the door closing behind them told Meredith that she and Derek were completely and finally alone.

"Tub," Meredith mumbled as she teetered towards falling back asleep.

"Yeah," Derek sighed. He slid out from the crisp white sheets and cradled his hands beneath Meredith's naked legs and back, lifting her off the bed with ease. "I think I know a way to wake you up."

Meredith's eyes sprung open and she clutched his neck forcefully as her body tensed. "Don't you dare!" she hissed.

Derek looked at her with surprise as he neared the edge of the large bathtub. "What?"

"Don't throw me in there," she commanded fearfully. Her grip on him tightened and her legs swung as if she was trying to right herself.

Derek laughed, causing Meredith to feel even less stable as his chest rose and fell against her torso. "I would _not_ do that to you," he reassured as he set her down on the edge of the tub. "You seriously do have trust issues," he mocked as he closed the bathroom door, sealing in the humidity and heat.

"Just a few," Meredith muttered sheepishly as she eased beneath the platform of bubbles and into the toasty water. Derek crawled in behind her, wrapping his entire body around her in the process. She loved taking baths with him. It was the one vestige from their time without sex that she was more than happy to continue.

"You can't begin to know how much I need this," he sighed as he squeezed her arms into her sides in a tight hug. "I hadn't realized how hard it was going to be to go back home again."

Meredith nodded supportively, unsure of what to say. She leaned into him and began massaging his quads beneath the water.

"I just wanted a day to recharge and take a break from it all and be alone with you," he explained. "Not have to deal with my sisters and all the drama…"

A smile crept across her lips at the realization that in some small way, he was choosing to be with her over spending time with his family. It was a small, but important victory in her mind. "I'm glad you brought me here," she acknowledged.

"Of course," Derek answered quickly. "I knew you needed this just as much if not more."

Meredith slid her hands down lower towards his inner thighs. "Yeah, we needed this," she murmured as she tilted her head back against his shoulder and arched her back slightly so that her breasts peeked just barely above the surface of the water.

Derek writhed beneath the water, trying to close the distance between their bodies. His hands reached up and covered her exposed breasts while his mouth and teeth hungrily nipped at her earlobe. She lowered herself down against him, squirming slightly against the bulging erection now pressed against her lower back. He groaned loudly into her hair, and pulled her nipples into taut peaks as she rocked against him.

"Just think," she cooed. Her breathing was shallow as her excitement built. "If we were back at the house, we wouldn't be able to take a bath like this," she said as she spread her legs open, inviting his hands to explore lower. Derek complied, and she felt his deft fingers slide along her sensitive flesh, paying extra attention to her clit.

"Like this?" he repeated as he slid two fingers inside her while continuing to graze her swollen nub with his thumb.

Meredith moaned and began rolling her hips into his hand, grabbing his thighs tightly for leverage. "Yeah, just like that," she sputtered, working herself into a frenzy and splashing bubbles over the side of the tub in the process. Derek started kissing her neck and back, pushing her even closer to ecstasy.

"Do you want me to let you come?" Derek whispered into her ear. He blew cool air at her damp skin, and she felt the goosebumps rise along her shoulder blades.

"Yes, Derek, yes," she pled, ready to succumb to an orgasm.

"Okay," Derek replied, but rather than continuing, he withdrew his fingers, leaving her bereft.

"What the…" She scrambled around to face him, heart beating rapidly as she felt herself so ridiculously close.

"I'll let you come, just not yet," he explained. His deep blue eyes stared mischievously at her, beckoning her to come towards him.

Meredith glared as she crawled over him and straddled his thick cock in the water. "You have no idea how many ways I can make you pay for this," she threatened.

"Can't wait," he practically dared as he leaned in to kiss her. He groaned into her mouth as she lowered herself onto him, contracting her muscles tightly around him. He reached down and gripped her hips tightly, raising and lowering her against his shaft. Her breasts bobbed above the water and splashed slightly as she went back down, and the alternating cool air and warm water propelled her senses into overdrive as he penetrated her mouth with his tongue while pushing his cock deep inside of her. She intensified her speed, feeling him lift off the floor of the tub to meet her with quick, plundering strokes. The sound of water and bubbles splashing everywhere could not distract her from her drive towards climax, and as she felt her body begin to spasm and release, she pulled her mouth away from Derek's and let out the animalistic sounds she'd been holding back all week at the house. He quickly followed, and she resumed kissing him feverishly in an effort to stifle his own noises before someone could decide to call security on them.

As Derek's grunts and groans subsided, Meredith pulled away and stared at him, practically drowning in the intensity of his cobalt blue eyes. She felt a barrage of emotions welling inside of her – the satisfaction of another amazing orgasm, the sense of relief that they were alone for the next several hours, the complete exhaustion from the emotional ordeal of the past week – swirling together in her brain to leave her feeling particularly fragile and vulnerable. She bit her lip and forced a weak, but pretending to be strong, smile before leaning up against Derek's chest. A shiver coursed through her as she clung to him, and he wordlessly ran his warm, wet hands up and down her spine.

"Thank you," she eventually whispered as she tugged at a small patch of his chest hair and twisted it together.

"Uh, no. Thank _you_," he responded as he sank a little lower in the tub, relaxing in the water that was now slightly shallower than before.

Meredith smiled. "I wasn't talking about the sex," she clarified.

"What then?" he asked as he kissed her forehead just along her hairline. The ends of her hair were wet, but the top of her head remained completely dry.

"For today. Your plans to wine and dine me. You were right – we need this," she encouraged. She felt his smile interrupt the kisses he was feathering against her.

"You have no idea," he sighed. "And I'm just getting started."

----------------------------

Meredith spent a little extra time getting ready for their dinner date. She was certain that if he was going to propose today, this would be it. He'd already had multiple opportunities. After sex they went for a leisurely walk through the beautifully landscaped resort, and as they basked in the muted sunlight flickering through the crimson trees, he gave her a look that nearly took her breath away.

But he didn't propose.

The black dress that he'd chosen for her to wear to dinner was a simple one that was slightly low cut in the front and clung to her curves well. She chose a diamond pendant necklace to wear with it – a birthday gift he'd surprised her with – and she took extra care brushing out her long hair. She wanted to look perfect, and when she walked out of the bathroom and saw Derek lounging on the bed in a suit, she felt like her intuition was correct.

"You look stunning," he mused, taking his gaze away from the TV to admire her.

"Thanks," she shrugged. She still struggled to receive compliments from him, which was a problem given how often he lavished her with them. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah," he answered. He reached for the remote to turn off the latest episode of Sports Center and walked towards the closet to pull out their coats.

"I thought we were eating at the hotel restaurant?" Meredith asked, suddenly confused.

"We are, but we might decide to go somewhere after dinner, and if that's the case, we should have our coats with us. I have a suspicion that once we come back to the room, we won't want to leave again," he smirked.

Meredith's heart jumped. If he had more plans for after dinner, then she really couldn't predict when he was going to spring the engagement back on her. _Damn him and his surprises…_

The restaurant was illuminated by candlelight and the panoramic view of sunset. A piano twinkled softly in the background as Meredith and Derek took their seats near a window. Derek ordered an expensive bottle of wine, and the two chose their dinners in relative silence. It was a nervous calm on Meredith's side, and Derek looked as collected as ever.

"So, I've been thinking about when we get back to Seattle," Derek eventually announced.

Meredith sat up straight in her chair, bracing herself for where this could be going.

"I think we should have that housewarming party when we get back. Invite your friends over and everything. It could be fun," he encouraged.

She fidgeted with the napkin in her lap. "Sure," she managed with as much enthusiasm as she could muster for throwing the party she'd been delaying for months. _Will we be celebrating anything else?_

"You know that I love the apartment. It's perfect for where we're at now," he continued.

_Oh god…_Meredith gulped, and it felt like a boulder was traveling down her throat.

"But eventually we're going to want a house. That way when family comes to visit or if we decide to…" his voice trailed off, letting her finish his thought, as he studied her reaction.

"Derek, that's a really big step. We just got the apartment a few months ago," she argued. She knew that this was part of the package. The engagement, the house, the family, the kids, all of it was the big step she'd been preparing for over the past several months, but now that they were so deliciously close, she found her flight instincts kicking in on autopilot.

"Well, if we build a house on my land, that whole process is going to take a while. We'd have to plan it, hire architects and contractors – all of that could take a couple years. By then, we could be ready," he reassured. He had clearly been thinking about this for quite some time.

"So, we'd start planning it when we get home?" Meredith asked, able to breathe more when she realized the house would still take time. She could acclimate herself to the decision if they were talking about years and not weeks or months.

"Yeah, maybe meet with an architect to start drawing up the plans?" he suggested. His smile crept towards his eyes as he realized she wasn't putting up much of a fight at all.

"Okay, that sounds reasonable," she answered.

Derek reached across the table and squeezed her hand in a very subtle thank you.

"Will our new house have a Jacuzzi tub?" Meredith inquired. Her eyes narrowed seductively as she waited for his response.

"Of course. It will be our dream house," he grinned.

Conversation throughout the rest of dinner came easily for both of them, but Meredith found herself flinching in anticipation every time Derek reached down towards his pants pocket (even if it was just to touch the napkin on his lap), or whenever he gazed at her with that smoldering look in his eyes. She knew it was coming, and she simply couldn't be at ease with such a large surprise waiting for her.

But once again, opportunities came and passed, and the topic of marriage didn't come up even once. Even when they were sharing bites of a heart-shaped molten chocolate cake, Derek didn't seem fazed in the slightest. Even when Meredith found herself inadvertently running her thumb and index finger over her empty left ring finger, Derek carried on their regular conversation without hesitation.

_Maybe he really is going to wait until we're back in __Seattle__…but why would he go to such lengths to take the proposal back? Why would he plan this romantic getaway if he wasn't going to propose again? _The questions rattled around her head like pennies in a tin band-aid box, and the thoughts made her utterly incapable of focusing on anything else.

"So, I have one other surprise for tonight," Derek started as he finished signing off on the dinner bill.

Meredith took a deep breath. _This is it…_ "Just one?" she hesitated.

Derek laughed and shrugged. "Wow, you're awfully demanding all of a sudden. I thought I was doing a good job with the surprises so far," he teased. He reached over and took her hand, his brow furrowing as he felt how cold and clammy it was. She couldn't hide her nervousness.

"You have…many great surprises…awesome, sexy surprises…one more is fine. One more is perfect," she stammered apologetically. She could feel her cheeks turning crimson.

"Good," he answered. "We need to grab our coats and head downstairs."

Derek escorted Meredith to the coat room and helped her into her warm, wool coat before putting on his own.

"I really think you'll like this one," he hinted as they walked through the front lobby towards the entrance. When they stepped outside, a large, old-fashioned horse-drawn carriage sat waiting for them.

Meredith glanced over towards Derek to confirm that it was for them, and he simply nodded, unable to stop grinning like a child on Christmas morning. The driver helped her into the carriage, and Derek followed. A large wool blanket sat on the cushioned seat, which Derek quickly draped around both of them, and a picnic basket was on the floor. Derek signaled to the driver that they were ready to go, and they started off on a beautiful trail lined with maple trees and the occasional pine. Although the air was crisp, Derek went to great lengths to make sure that Meredith was warm enough as he wrapped his arm around her.

"Derek, this is all…so much…" her voice quavered slightly as the butterflies in her stomach made her dinner churn. Derek mistook her nervous shaking as a sign that she was too cold, and he reached down for the picnic basket.

"We have some hot chocolate. Would you like some? It might warm you up more," he offered.

"What? No," she shook her head vigorously. "I'm fine."

"Okay," he replied, putting the thermos back inside. He settled back next to her and enveloped her once again in his warm embrace.

They sat in silence, taking in the view and the cloudless sky above them for a few moments as the carriage meandered down a road smattered with rustic houses and smoking chimneys.

"Oh, Meredith," Derek whispered as if he was praying to himself rather than initiating conversation.

Meredith's heart resumed its steady assault against her sternum, trying to beat its way out of her chest.

"I think the hardest part about losing Mom is how much it's made me take inventory of my life and realize how quickly things can change…how much my life can be different in a single second. One minute the person is there, the next…everything changes," Derek confided.

Meredith hugged him back and rested her head against his shoulder. She couldn't look him in the eyes right now – it would be too much. "It's scary, isn't it?"

"It's terrifying," Derek countered. "I think that's one of the things that really got me this week. I kept imagining where I'd be if you hadn't come back or if I lost you. I don't think I could handle that. The thought of ever losing you…" his voice cracked, and he cleared his throat quickly, trying to cover how much the topic was really affecting him.

"You're not losing me. You're not. I'm here. I'm staying here," she promised.

"I hope so, because I don't know that I could breathe without you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life," he admitted softly.

Meredith held her breath. _Here he goes__…_

He kissed the top of her head and craned his neck back to look up at the sky. "It's a gorgeous night, isn't it?" he remarked, completely changing the subject.

_What?! _Meredith sat up and looked at him, seeing that he actually was star gazing and not preparing to get down on one knee. "Beautiful," she answered, trying to conceal her disappointment.

Derek reached down for the picnic basket and pulled out the thermos again. The hot chocolate was still steaming hot as he poured it into the cap of the thermos and passed it to her. She took a sip while he set the rest of the thermos back in the basket and dug around for something else inside.

_Wait…maybe…the ring could be inside…here it is…_

He withdrew two dark chocolate chip cookies and a napkin before closing the basket back up. She tried not to frown visibly, but found herself sighing into the mug of hot chocolate instead.

"Cookie?" he offered as he broke off a bite-sized piece for her.

"Sure," she answered. She opened her mouth, and he placed it inside. The cookie was still warm and gooey – clearly not out of the oven for very long – and she traded him the mug for the rest of the cookie. The last thing she needed was more sugar in her system, but she suspected she could need the rush of energy to get through the rest of the night. She was certain he was going to propose – absolutely certain – but she couldn't begin to figure out when.

It was nearly ten o'clock by the time they returned to the hotel, and Derek didn't show the faintest hint of exhaustion despite getting up before sunrise to go fishing. He smiled warmly as he unlocked the door to their hotel suite and held it open for her as she walked in. She tiptoed past him, worried about what romantic surprise she was stumbling into next and whether it would be the one that yielded the proposal. As she predicted, the bed had been turned down and littered with rose petals, and a bottle of champagne was chilling on the nightstand. A small tray of chocolate-covered strawberries was flanked by two champagne flutes, and Meredith chuckled slightly to herself. _Okay, this is it…finally…_

"Derek," she started, unable to conceal her amusement, "what's all this?"

"Just a late night treat before we make love and go to sleep," he answered. He took her coat from her and hung it back up before walking over to the champagne bottle. He uncorked it quickly without making much of a mess and poured each of them a glass.

Meredith watched with bewilderment. _Wouldn't we open that after the proposal? __To celebrate?_

Derek passed her a glass and held his up in front of him to raise a toast. "I hope that today has been a romantic retreat from the insanity of this week. May we have many, many more days together like this – just the two of us," he said sweetly before clanking his glass against hers.

_Seriously?__ That's it? _She took a long sip of the bubbly champagne and secretly wished it was a shot of tequila instead. Maybe several shots. She finished the flute quickly and set it back on the table. "I'm…I'm going to go freshen up a bit and um…yeah," she stammered as she set out for the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

As she stared at her reflection in the large bathroom mirror, she couldn't believe that she wasn't wearing the ring again. All day long, he'd had multiple opportunities to propose, and he hadn't. And he never listened to her – he wouldn't _actually_ wait until after this week to propose, would he?

She noticed his brown leather satchel in the corner of the room and walked over to it. It was the last place she had seen the ring, and she had to know if it was still in there. She rifled through the contents quickly, not really caring how much she disrupted his organization of the bag, but she couldn't find the ring. "He's either carrying it, or he left it home," she mumbled to herself. She didn't know which was more likely. _If he was carrying it on him, why in the world hasn't he asked me yet? Is he having second thoughts? _She didn't think so. Not after the way he looked at her over dinner and the sweet things he said during the carriage ride. All day long, in fact, he'd been going out of his way to tell her how he felt, so what was going on with this? She couldn't make any sense of it, and the uncertainty was making her feel slightly nauseous.

She rinsed her mouth out with warm water and flushed the toilet to cover up the fact that she had been going through his things rather than using the facilities. She took a deep breath, straightened her dress, and walked back into the bedroom.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked. He had already kicked off his shoes and had been lounging on the bed when she walked in, but he sat up quickly as soon as he saw her.

"I'm fine," she mumbled, unable to conceal how frazzled she was feeling.

"Uh oh," Derek choked. He drew in a deep breath, bracing for the worst. "What's wrong?"

"There's nothing wrong. I'm fine," she barked unconvincingly.

"Why don't you come here and relax with me?" Derek offered. He patted the duvet beside him to suggest a spot for her.

"Okay, seriously? You want me to relax? You want to know what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong, Derek…" she found herself yelling. She didn't mean to yell, but she was definitely yelling.

Derek's eyes grew into large, fearful beacons of indigo as he anticipated the oncoming assault.

"What's wrong is that you took a mulligan. A freakin' mulligan! Do you know what that does to a girl? Especially one like me? It's not good, Derek. It's really not. But all day long, I've tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. I told myself that you'd propose again soon, and I watched as you had not one, not two, but several opportunities to propose. Several, Derek. And did you? Did you propose? No!" she huffed until she ran out of breath. The huge grin spreading across his lips only fueled her on further. "So all day, when I'm supposed to be relaxing? I can't relax. I can't relax because I think you're going to propose. And then you give me the looks…"

"The looks?" he interrupted.

"You know the looks," she accused. "The looks like you're getting ready to do it, but then you don't. All night long, you've been doing that, and I don't know what to make of it all. Are you going to propose or not? Just tell me …"

"Do you want me to propose?" Derek pressed as he stood up from the bed and faced her. "Because earlier you said…"

"I know what I said," she said dryly, cutting him off.

The corners of Derek eyes crinkled as he laughed again. He reached for her hands and massaged them tenderly with the pads of his thumbs. "Well, this isn't exactly how I planned it, but I've been changing my plans since the day we met," he chuckled confidently.

_Oh shit, what have I done? Is he actually going to do it now because I couldn't keep my mouth shut?_

"When I moved to Seattle," he started, "my life changed in ways I could never have predicted. The day I met you, everything changed. You made me fall in love again – fall in love for the first time, really. And all of the challenges – our pasts, our jobs, all of that – didn't scare me anymore because I had you. I _have_ you. And as long as you're with me, I know that everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to work out. The rest is just details in the story of our life together because I intend to spend every single day – and night – with you for the rest of my life. So Meredith…" He reached into his pocket and got down on one knee, still holding onto her left hand with his right.

Meredith started shaking. This really _was_ it.

"Will you marry me?" he asked as he flipped open the black velvet ring box with Meredith's ring inside. It seemed to shimmer more radiantly than the first time around.

"Yes, of course!" Meredith shrieked without hesitation, and she started waving her hands vigorously, making it nearly impossible for him to slide the ring over her finger. Once he managed to accomplish that feat, however, he stood up and kissed her, ushering her back towards the bed in the process.

As soon as they sat back on the bed, Meredith pulled away. "You said this wasn't how you planned it…You had something else planned?" she worried, suddenly feeling guilty about her impatience.

"Possibly," he laughed, "but the end result was basically the same." He interlaced his fingers with Meredith's, staring at the ring on her finger.

"I didn't mean to ruin your plans. I just…couldn't handle waiting any longer," she apologized sheepishly.

"I gathered as much," Derek teased. He squeezed her hand gently to reassure her and leaned in to kiss her neck.

"What were you going to do…instead?" she asked, slightly distracted by the kisses trailing towards her collarbone.

Derek backed away and sat up straight. "No way. I'm not telling you that. God help me if I have to go through this a third time with you," he joked good-naturedly.

Meredith giggled like a carefree child. "I don't think you need to worry," she assured him. "I'm pretty sure this one will stick."

Derek's expression melted into one of sheer love and adoration as he nodded. "I think so, too."


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: I was ****wrong,**** and I admit it. I deluded myself into thinking that I can write two stories at once without slowing myself down too much, and I was clearly insane to think that. I've been writing a lot lately, but it has taken me forever to get this chapter posted. Sorry about that! I must say, however, that I'm incredibly grateful for the feedback on my stories. Reviews are my brain candy, and they definitely help keep me focused on the task at hand so that my mind doesn't wander over to other projects. I'll finish this story. I promise. The end is in sight for me, and I'm entering the home stretch. But reviews? ****Highly motivating…**

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When Derek found himself checking out of the hotel, it took all of his restraint to turn in the key without insisting they stay another day. Maybe another week, even. The time spent alone with Meredith in their own rejuvenating oasis had gone far too quickly, and he wanted more time to keep her post-proposal perma-grin all to himself. He wasn't quite ready to go back to his mom's house and deal with the question that had been on his mind since he received word of his mother's passing.

_What __happens__ now?_

The valet pulled their car around for them and loaded their luggage neatly into the trunk. Meredith basked in the sunshine on a wooden bench as she waited for Derek to finish checking out, and he couldn't help but smile when he saw her gaze return to the ring on her finger not once or twice, but six different times during her wait. He couldn't remember ever seeing her so happy for so long, and he wished that he could bottle that up somehow and preserve it forever.

"Are you ready to go?" he finally forced himself to ask when he realized he was completely out of excuses to procrastinate.

She looked up at him, shielding her eyes with her ring-adorned hand. "Yeah, we're all set?" she asked.

He nodded and helped her back to her feet.

"This place was awesome," she gushed. "Thank you so much for bringing us here."

"Absolutely," Derek said. _We should stay… _He hesitated, letting his hand linger on the curve of her hip as he faced her. Their car doors were open on both sides, and the car was already running, guarded by the valet who seemed ready to send them on their way. But Derek's feet felt like they were encased by cement, and he was unable to move.

Meredith's large aquamarine eyes blinked slowly as she studied him. She raised her hands to his chest, fanning her fingers across the navy blue cashmere sweater. Her mouth opened slightly, as if she was preparing to say something, but she stopped. Her gaze shifted to the waiting car, and her expression fell. "We should probably go," she murmured. She dropped her hands to her sides and stepped away, leaving him feeling ten degrees colder than he had been only a second ago.

"Meredith…" he started.

She turned to face him, expecting the sentence to be completed.

"This place…We'll be back here again someday. I promise," he finished.

The corners of her mouth quirked upwards as she nodded. "I'd really like that."

"Me too," he sighed. He took her hand and led her to the car, carefully closing her door once she was settled inside. He tipped the valet a little extra for waiting for them and positioned himself in the driver's seat. He pulled out his sunglasses and adjusted the mirrors and seat slightly, not that he thought they were necessarily positioned any different from when they arrived. It was just another tactic in his long arsenal of ways to delay the inevitable.

"Do you have everything?" he asked once his mental checklist seemed complete.

"Yeah," Meredith answered. She was staring at him again as a puzzled expression washed over her otherwise ecstatic face, but she still didn't say anything.

Derek reluctantly put the car into drive and pulled away from the historic inn, driving at nowhere near the same pace he did on his way there. He tapped his thumbs casually against the steering wheel, trying to match the rhythm of the song on the radio, while Meredith kicked off her shoes and folded her legs beneath her.

"So, how is this going to work exactly…getting back to your family's place?" she asked. Her lithe fingers toyed with her ring as if she needed constant confirmation that it was actually there.

"Well, typically the way this works is that I drive for two hours, you sing slightly off-key along with the radio between bits of conversation, and then we arrive," he smirked. He knew that wasn't what she was asking him, but he couldn't resist the temptation of being a smart ass. He wanted to hear her giggle.

Meredith smacked his arm playfully, freeing some laughter of his own in the process. "That's not what I'm asking, Derek. The engagement…how do you want to tell people?"

"I'm assuming that shouting from the rooftops isn't an option?" he teased. In some ways, he wasn't joking. He wanted to buy a full page ad in the _New York Times_, string an announcement behind a blimp at the Super Bowl, and broadcast the news on network television. Even that wouldn't express the depth of his current excitement.

"Not really what I had in mind, no," she laughed. Her eyes were sparkling like blue and green fireworks as she spoke, and he had to keep reminding himself to keep his eyes on the road as he drove.

"To be honest, I suspect they already know," Derek confessed. "Mark knows – well, he knows that I was going to ask again. I'm assuming he filled everyone else in."

Meredith sighed pensively and nodded.

He hoped she wasn't too disappointed about that prospect. He hadn't even considered the possibility that she would have wanted to be there to announce it.

"Is that why you went fishing yesterday morning – to tell Mark?" Meredith probed.

"No, I went fishing to catch something to make you for breakfast. Talking to Mark was just a happy side benefit," he explained half-heartedly.

Meredith snorted, and then quickly raised her hands to her mouth, slightly embarrassed by the sound she just made in her attempt to laugh at him.

Derek grinned at her failed cover-up. "What's so funny?"

"Since we're engaged, now, I feel like I need to tell you something," she giggled.

Derek did his best to feign seriousness as he waited for her to continue.

"You really shouldn't feel like you need to do me any favors with the whole fishing thing. Like…ever," she admitted. She shrugged her shoulders up by her ears like a cowering puppy waiting to be punished.

"I thought you liked my fish," he pouted. It was a lie. He knew that she merely tolerated the fish and would never crave it like he did, but he wanted to extract some sort of concession from her.

"I love that you enjoy fishing. I love seeing you get all decked out in your dorky fishing vest and hat with all your little catchy things..."

"The lures?"

"Yeah, the lures. But the whole fresh fish for breakfast? Not really my thing. Dinner maybe, but definitely not for breakfast," Meredith confessed.

"Hmmph," Derek grumbled. He could see Meredith's body slumping slightly in self doubt. He couldn't continue this game much longer. "Well, do you want to know what I think of all this?" he started seriously.

Meredith turned to face him, her lower lip pinned down by her teeth as she waited for him to go on.

"I think 'no fish for you!'" he teased in a strong New York accent that had her immediately spilling with laughter.

"Thank god," she burbled back between breaths.

What started out as a wisp of a smile soon spread across Derek's lips and reached the corners of his eyes. He had missed her sprite-like fits of laughter and the light-heartedness that had become a more regular feature of their relationship after settling in together. Returning to that, even in isolated moments, made him feel much more confident about his decision to ignore her initial objections and propose anyway. It hadn't been an easy decision. He spent much of the night wondering if his desire to propose was motivated out of losing his mom, and while he couldn't be sure about the driving force urging him to whisk Meredith away, he knew that it was the right decision.

"So what other deep, dark secrets are you going to spill now that we're engaged?" Derek prompted as they settled back into the comfort of the drive.

"None that I know of. I wasn't exactly trying to initiate a game of Truth or Dare," Meredith snickered.

Derek's eyebrows lifted above the rims of his silver sunglasses. "Truth or Dare? We do have a couple hours to kill, you know."

Meredith shifted in her seat, suddenly seeming slightly uncomfortable. "Something tells me the dare aspect could be dangerous in a moving vehicle," she countered.

"So we'll do the truth part now, and save any dares for tonight," Derek quickly shot back. He knew as he suggested it that he was initiating a risky conversation. This would either be the most brilliant idea ever since she was a captive audience on the two hour car ride, or it was the stupidest idea to cross his mind. Why should he push when she was already giving so much?

Meredith's eyes narrowed, making it seem as if she was actually considering the prospect. "This sounds like a terrible idea. If you want to know something, just ask me. Let's not turn it into a game," she eventually concluded.

Derek sighed, exuding more disappointment than he expected to feel. She was probably right. A game like that would probably only bring trouble.

A few minutes passed in silence. Meredith reached down into her bag and pulled out her cell phone, twirling it around in her hand pensively.

"Have you talked to Cristina recently?" Derek prompted, sensing that was who she was thinking of.

"Not for a couple of days. I'm sure she's tormenting interns or rocking some surgeries," Meredith said. The tone of her voice revealed a hint of longing for her friend still in Seattle.

"Do you want to call her? Tell her the news?"

Meredith fidgeted with her phone, mulling over the suggestion. "No," she finally concluded. "I should wait. Tell her in person."

Derek reached over and cupped his hand around hers to stop her from fidgeting. She set her phone in her lap and interlaced his fingers with his. Her fingertips were cool to the touch, but they seemed to relax under his protective shield.

"Whatever you want to do, Meredith. That's fine," he reassured.

"Are there…? Should we…?" she looked at him quizzically, unable to complete her thought.

"What?" he encouraged.

"The telling people thing…I don't know how we should do it. You've told Mark already, and I'll tell Cristina, but everyone else in Seattle, how should we tell them?"

Derek smiled as he tried to think of a way to tell her that there wasn't any protocol she needed to follow. "We can tell people together on Monday, if you want. We can stop in and see the chief and Bailey, and I suspect you'll just tell your friends as you see them."

Meredith nodded. "Okay, I can do that. And, um, what should I say about wedding stuff? They're going to ask, right?"

"Well, what do you want to say about it?" Derek felt a surge of relief that she was the one to initiate this conversation. He was obviously curious about what their wedding plans would be, but he worried that she'd think he was pressuring her somehow if he brought up the topic of dates and sizes.

"I don't know. We should talk about this, shouldn't we?" Meredith said. For the briefest moment, he sensed that her blissful engagement balloon was deflating as she folded back into her seat.

"Yeah, we should. But Mere, you should know that I'm fine with whatever you want to do. Big, small, whatever – as long as you're there and happy, it will be perfect to me."

The fuel light flashed on the dashboard, and an annoying dinging sound alerted him that he needed to stop for gas soon. He withdrew his hand from Meredith's and started fiddling with the GPS to find the nearest gas station.

"Seriously, whatever I want?"

"Whatever you want," he reassured.

"Because when Burke and Cristina—"

"Meredith," he quickly cut her off. He didn't want her to even begin making those comparisons. "Our wedding will be nothing like Burke and Cristina's. Don't even think about what Cristina dealt with because we won't have any of that. I promise." He could feel his blood pressure rise slightly as he anticipated the potential crises he may need to avert. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel overwhelmed by the wedding, or worse yet, think that he might leave her on their wedding day.

He veered off on an exit with a large mini-mart and gas station and shot the occasional glance in Meredith's direction to make sure she was okay. She resumed fidgeting with her ring, and she seemed to be lost in thoughts completely unreadable to him. He took a deep breath, and pulled into the gas station, hoping that the wedding talk wouldn't ruin the ride home.

As soon as the car was parked at the gas pump, Meredith opened her door and stepped out.

"I'm going to go inside. Do you want anything?" she announced as she pulled her wallet out of her purse and tossed the bag back on the floor.

"Water," Derek replied.

She nodded and sprinted off towards the front door.

Derek frowned as he pulled out his credit card and swiped it through the machine. He hated the smell of gasoline, and this particular station seemed to be riddled with spill puddles. As he unscrewed the gas cap, selected premium gas, and began fueling, he couldn't be certain if his oncoming headache was a result of the gasoline vapors or the fear that Meredith was going to panic about the wedding. She had certainly fled the car at the first opportunity, and she seemed less than enthusiastic about breaking the news to Cristina. Sure, some of it could be apprehension about bringing up weddings with a jilted bride, he rationalized. He sometimes sensed that Meredith felt guilty about her relationship with him and the fact that they were still together after Burke and Cristina had failed. This could just be an extension of that. But he feared there could be something more.

He leaned against the car, waiting for the tank to finish filling, and peered into the store to track Meredith's movements. He saw her standing by the coolers pulling out drinks, but then she wandered into a section obscured by other displays. He frowned and tapped his foot against the cement a few times in restless frustration until the pump clicked off and he finished fueling. He was happy to be able to return to the stale air of the car rather than the gasoline-polluted outdoor air.

Meredith casually walked out of the mini-mart lugging a huge plastic bag by her side. Derek squinted curiously as he started the car and waited for her to get in.

"Successful shopping run?" he inquired as soon as she settled into her seat.

"Maybe. We'll see," Meredith sighed. She pulled out his bottled water from the bag and handed it to him. She then heaved several magazines out of the bag and onto her lap.

Derek felt a huge grin spread across his face as he surveyed the titles and discovered that the words "bride" and "wedding" appeared in some form on each one.

"Research," Meredith mumbled defensively.

Derek nodded, trying not to reveal the full extent of his amusement, and resumed the drive. He could see her fingers settling on particular pages as she examined dresses, and her reactions to each and every page were written on her face. He thought about commenting or pressing her on her thoughts, but he didn't want to pressure her. They still had most of the drive left, and he suspected she would talk when she was ready.

"What was your wedding like – with Addison?" she finally inquired. She closed the magazine, but left her finger inside to mark her place.

Derek deflated slightly. It wasn't the conversation he was expecting.

"It was a big New England affair, lots of people, pretty standard," he said coolly. He really hoped that she wouldn't let his previous marriage influence her decisions. Games of "What Would Addison Do?" often ended poorly for Meredith because she didn't push for what she genuinely wanted.

Meredith nodded. "Do you want a big wedding for us?"

Derek glanced over in her direction, hoping for a hint of how he was supposed to answer that question, but he couldn't read her. "Mere," he started, "you get that you could wear a neon pink dress and come parachuting in, and I'd be fine. As long as the end result is that we're married, I'll be happy."

Meredith scrunched her nose and pursed her lips together.

It clearly hadn't been the answer she was hoping for.

He decided to try again.

"Maybe we should do something fairly small with just close friends and family," he suggested. "And we should have it in Seattle, unless you want a destination wedding."

"When?"

"When should we get married?" he asked. He understood the question. He just wanted to buy more time to think of a response.

"Yeah, when?"

"Well, what's your favorite season?"

"Summer…maybe fall," she considered. She turned in her seat so she was facing him more, and she clearly seemed less apprehensive about the conversation than Derek had been expecting.

"So, next September maybe?"

"This magazine says that September is the busiest and most expensive month of the year for weddings," she countered.

He glanced over at her in disbelief.

"I'm just sayin'…"

He laughed. "You always have been a quick study. How does October rank?"

"October is good. So next October? Like a year from now, October?"

"Sure," Derek agreed. "If that works for you."

Meredith hugged the magazines to her chest and admired her ring again. The way that the sunshine poured through the windows made the ring sparkle radiantly and dance little rainbows on the interior of the car.

"October, next year. I think I can handle that," Meredith agreed.

Derek reached over and grasped Meredith's outstretched hand and pulled it to his lips. He kissed her tenderly, savoring the taste of her silky skin.

"Sometimes you amaze me," he murmured.

Meredith blushed and pulled her hand away. "Why?"

"Well, to be honest, I just worried that you might freak out a bit more about this wedding stuff," he confessed. He hoped that she wouldn't take the comment badly, and he regretted the moment of unrestrained honesty after he said it, but he genuinely was surprised.

"Oh, I'm freaking out. Believe me, I'm freaking out. Me and these magazines? Seriously terrifying," she admitted. "But it's a good freak out, I think."

"Just let me know if it starts to turn into a bad freak out, okay?"

"Okay," she promised. She flipped the magazine back open and returned to reading about 10 Ways to Be Guaranteed a Perfect Day. She seemed to be reading the article with the same intensity she studied medical textbooks, and it was the kind of moment that Derek wanted to mentally photograph and preserve forever.

Derek started to flip through radio stations in search of something up tempo, leaving Meredith to skim through the several hundred pages of ads and articles she had purchased. He occasionally glanced over if he saw her dog-earring a page, but he decided to let her figure things out on her own for a bit. He knew that this was a giant leap for her – for both of them, really – and he felt tremendous relief in having finally made it.

The fall scenery along the drive seemed to blur by the car in a haze of orange as red and yellow leaves melded together. _October_. His mind started drifting towards thoughts of fall, then weddings, then family, before he was lost in his own reservoir of memories that included elements of all three.

Sarah had a fall wedding.

_Derek paced anxiously outside the changing room of the large church, waiting for his younger sister to decide that she was ready to walk down the aisle with him. She had asked that he be the one to give her away, and he couldn't have been more nervous for her. He thought Matt was okay but not quite good enough for his sister. Not that anyone could be. There were times when he secretly thought that Mark would be a good match, but deep down he knew that Mark was years away from settling down, and Sarah wasn't about to wait that long. __Certainly not for Mark._

_"Oh, Derek," Barbara Shepherd sighed as she walked in. She hovered near the __entry-__way __in her periwinkle dress. It was her third performance as mother of the bride, and she seemed perfectly comfortable in the role._

_"Hi Mom," Derek replied. "Are you okay?"_

_Barbara shook her head in disbelief. "Some days it still amazes me how much you look like your father." Her voice was calm and quiet as she approached Derek. She straightened his boutonniere and swiped a few pieces of lint off the sleeve of his black tuxedo. _

_Derek furrowed his brow in concern. He never knew how to handle comments like that__, and h__e never felt certain that it was a good thing to remind his mother of the man she loved and tragically lost. _

_"You still miss him," he stated in a tone that teetered on questioning._

_"Every single day," she answered without hesitation. __"These days especially.__ These are the moments I always expected to be sharing with him." Her eyes got a little misty, and Derek quickly pulled out his handkerchief to offer to her, but she waved it away._

_"Addison looks beautiful," she mentioned, changing the subject._

_"Yeah," Derek acknowledged. They'd both been working tirelessly the last few weeks and had barely seen each other as a result. Still, his wife looked like she had spent the time relaxing in a spa rather than holding down the neonatal unit at the hospital. _

_"Is Sarah going to come out?" Barbara asked as she turned toward the changing room door._

_Derek arched her eyebrows with uncertainty. "I don't know," he admitted. "She was really nervous when I talked to her a few minutes ago. She just wanted a little bit of time to herself before she does this, I think."_

_"Second thoughts?"_

_"Maybe," Derek speculated. "But who doesn't have those…" He had certainly reconsidered marrying Addison more than once in the months leading up to their wedding. __He'd seen hints of their relationship settling into a routine that dimmed the sparks he felt when they first were engaged. Now their relationship seemed to cycle through periods of hot and cold with the cold often outlasting the passion. But he convinced himself that all relationships were like that, and he wouldn't find anyone better for him than Addie. _

_His mother frowned and opened her mouth __but quickly closed it when she couldn't get herself to say the words she'd clearly been thinking__. "Sure. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about," she murmured unconvincingly. "I'm sure it's normal," she reiterated in a way that immediately planted seeds of doubt not only about Sarah's relationship, but also his own. He could tell that his mother had never once doubted her marriage, and a small piece of him ached for whatever it was that he was missing from his own. _

_The door flung open and Sarah walked out in a swirl of taffeta that seemed to match her skin._

_"I'm __gonna__ do this, __dammit__. Let's go," she instructed. Derek took her arm to head towards the__vestibule,__ and their mother le__d the way. _

The sound of the GPS navigating him home brought Derek out of his thoughts and removed his driving from auto-pilot. They were now only blocks away from home, and there was nothing more that he wanted than to be miles away. He was simultaneously thrilled to be able to share news of the engagement with his family and bitterly devastated that he couldn't talk to the person he wanted to share it with most. Walking into the house and not being able to tell his mother made his stomach clench and his pulse race. It was a reality he wasn't prepared to reenter.

"Derek," Meredith started. "Um, you just…your house? You drove by your house, I think," she accurately pointed out when he continued driving down the residential street.

"I know," he answered with unwavering certainty. "Temporary detour."

Meredith piled her magazines back into the plastic bag and hesitantly looked out the window.

Derek pulled into a large tree-lined road paved with two strips of gravel that matched the tire tracks of decades of prior travelers. Although the road eventually dead ended at the lake, he had no intention of going that far. He found a clearing half-way down and pulled the vehicle off to the side.

"C'mon," he insisted as he raced out of the car. He pulled a large picnic blanket from the trunk and watched as Meredith followed. Her curiosity at the situation was palpable.

"Where are we going?" she asked as she surveyed the landscape.

"My secret hiding place," Derek answered.

"The one Mark mentioned? The – what was it? The pirate's lair?" she giggled.

"Argh, that be the one, and I be takin' you prisoner," he said as he wrapped his arm around her waist and tickled her just below her rib cage. She started elbowing him to make him stop, but that only fed his desire to tickle her more.

"Der…Stop…STOP!" she shrieked amidst fits of laughter. A few birds lifted from the trees amid all the ruckus, but Derek was undeterred. He lifted her easily and threw her over his shoulder as he navigated the uneven terrain into the mossy woods. She kicked her legs and smacked his lower back several times, but eventually she gave up and mumbled things about getting him back for this.

The secret spot seemed largely unchanged by the decades since Derek last visited. A small opening paved the way between the several large pine trees that clustered together and surrounded a ten-by-ten foot clearing. The floor was littered with soft pine needles, and at this time of day, the direct sunlight cast a warm glow over the secluded area. An old wooden bench that Derek and Mark had cobbled together years ago showed signs of tremendous weathering but still evoked memories of the many times they'd spent here over the years, first playing with GI Joes and trading comics and later discovering girls – Mark especially. It made Derek smile slightly to think that Meredith would be a part of this place.

He lowered her down to the ground carefully but didn't release her from his grasp. His arms circled her waist, and he dipped his head down, resting his forehead against hers.

"So this is where you and Mark played house," she teased. He watched her eyes scan the area as her eyelashes fluttered, blinking open and shut.

He chuckled softly. "Or something like that," he answered. He drew her closer and wrapped his arms more tightly around her limber torso. He felt her exhale against him, her breath moist and warm against his neck, and she kissed him as she relaxed against his muscular frame. "I just…" his voice trailed off.

"What is it?"

Derek sighed and loosened his hold on her. "You know how you didn't want to have that housewarming party because you wanted to keep the apartment to ourselves? That's kinda how I feel about us right now."

Meredith's face crinkled in disappointment. "You don't want to tell your family about the engagement?"

"No!" he blurted. "That's not what I'm saying at all. I can't wait to tell people, but I also just want to keep you all to myself."

"Hmmm…" Meredith murmured as she pulled away from him. She grabbed the flannel picnic blanket from the crook of his arm and opened it up, fanning it out onto the ground. "I had no idea that you were so selfish. The things we learn about each other now that we're engaged," she joked.

She fixed the corners of the blanket and smoothed it out completely before sitting down in the middle of it. The sun streaked through her honey colored locks like ripples of gold as she leaned back on her elbows.

"When it comes to you, I'm hopelessly, terribly selfish," he acknowledged as he knelt down on the blanket beside her.

"Well, now that you've got me all to yourself, what exactly do you intend to do?" she asked. She arched her back seductively, making the contours of her chest seem larger and more inviting. He felt the first hints of an erection as he imagined his mouth moving back and forth between her breasts, licking and sucking them into hardened peaks. He loved the way her pinkish-brown nipples contrasted with her otherwise milky white skin, just like he loved the scent of her cinnamon body wash that lingered close to her skin hours after use.

Derek moved onto his side and propped his head up on one hand while the other lazily drew circles and figure eights along her clothed torso. The fall air was chilly despite the sunlight, but the warmth of her body so close to his provided all the heat he needed.

"Maybe a little of this," he whispered.

"Mmmm-hmmm," she sighed as she relaxed against the ground. A content smile eased across her soft pink lips.

"I wouldn't mind kissing you either," he added as he leaned toward her neck, targeting the little place below her earlobe that always caused her to murmur in pleasure. She tilted her head to give him better access, and he felt her chest rise and fall more quickly against his hand.

"Kissing is good," she voiced softly between breaths. She snuggled closer to him so he was almost on top of her, and she pawed at the front of his jeans, making him acutely aware of how much he was beginning to strain against the fabric.

He slid his hand underneath her shirt and sweater, snaking his hand beneath the lacy fabric of her bra so he could cup her breast in his hand. He smothered her mouth with his while his thumb grazed against her satiny flesh.

She moaned into his mouth, unable to hide her arousal. Her fingers fondled the outside of his pants with increased intensity as she stroked him. The friction was producing a heat that made him want to bury himself inside her, but he held back, clinging to this moment and the delay it provided as long as possible.

His hand worked its way lower, unbuttoning and unzipping her jeans. He tugged them midway down her thighs so she could spread her legs apart slightly. His fingers traced the outer seams of her panties, feeling the heat and moisture that radiated below the cotton.

"Derek," she softly mewed. If she had a thought to follow that, she was unable to articulate it as Derek's hand slipped below the elastic band and covered the wiry hairs of her pelvic bone. His fingers greeted the slick, delicate skin and strummed against her. Her hips raised and lowered themselves against his hand as she tried to force his fingers into the source of her wetness, but he resisted. A small piece of him enjoyed having the power to make her squirm and whimper and need him, and he silently promised to make it worth her wait.

Her hands dropped to her side, curling against the blanket as she balled it up in her fists. Her eyelids drooped heavily and her breathing came in ragged gasps that seemed to be synchronized with his ministrations on her clitoris. Each stroke was bringing her dangerously close to coming. It was like a game of Jenga, and he'd reached a stage where he couldn't be sure which piece would cause the entire tower to topple. But he knew that he wanted to be inside her when she came. He wanted to fill her and feel her tight walls contract and spasm around him as she rode out the waves of pleasure.

He withdrew his hand from her panties and watched as her eyes lurched open at his abrupt stop. Her eyes were wild – practically glaring at him – and she licked her lips hungrily. He dangled his glistening fingers wet with her sex in front of her and felt his balls ache as she greedily took the fingers in her mouth, sucking them like she'd done to his cock so many times before.

He fumbled with his belt, trying his best to remove it with one hand. Relief surged throughout his body when he felt her hands batting his away so she could take over the process. She swiftly loosened his belt, opened his fly, and dropped his pants to his knees in what seemed to be one well-rehearsed and choreographed movement.

Her attention then turned to her own underwear as she finished stripping her lower half and nudged him between her legs.

He wrapped his hands beneath her shoulders as he prepared to lower himself into her. A cool breeze blew through the trees, causing Meredith to shiver beneath him. He hesitated, watching to make sure that she was okay, but was immediately reassured as she pressed against his lower back.

He moved his hand down to his shaft, rubbing it up and down against her. He couldn't be sure who he was teasing more by doing this, but it wasn't something he wanted to sustain for long anyway. He wanted to drive himself deep inside her over and over and over again.

"Fuck," Meredith whined desperately.

Derek ceased the torment and eased into her, forcing an elongated moan to escape her lips and fill the air around them. It was all the encouragement he needed to withdraw and plunge in again more forcefully. Her heated core enveloped him like his own personal bonfire, and he felt his body quivering as she squeezed her muscles around the base of his penis. Each time he repeated the movement, the sensation grew stronger, and he knew that if she continued, he'd climax before she did.

"Mere…" he pleaded. "You're going to make me…"

Her body stiffened beneath him, and her face tensed. Her nails dug into the back of his shoulder blades, and he was certain that she would have drawn blood if not for the protective cover of his shirt and sweater. She bucked her hips up at him in quick, jerky motions before spasming all around him. He pounded even harder into her, feeling the telltale signs of his own impending orgasm as his balls repeatedly smacked against her. He grunted with each movement, wanting desperately to stay in this limbo between anticipation and ecstasy forever and knowing there would be no turning back once he gave into release.

Meredith relaxed around him, recovering from her orgasm. Her eyes were glassy crystals of green that seemed to match the color of the surrounding pine trees. She crossed her legs behind him, locking him firmly in place and slid her hand up his spine. Her fingertips were cool against his sweaty skin, and he shuddered from the sensory overload. She smiled up at him as if she knew that she was the one with all the power now. He was at her mercy.

She lowered her hands down to his ass and squeezed as she pushed him into her. Her vaginal walls clamped down on him more tightly than before, and he spiraled out of control. His vision blurred as he pulsated inside her, clinging to the feeling of complete release as long as possible before collapsing against her. His throat was sore, and he felt a little dehydrated, but he didn't care. He had no desire to untangle himself from her anytime soon.

Meredith closed her eyes and sighed. A sated smile spread across her lips, and she seemed delighted to linger in their lust-induced laziness. She started running a hand through his hair, tugging gently as she twisted it into little spikes around his ears. A small tear streamed down her face, contrasting sharply with her otherwise blissfully happy expression.

Derek brought his thumb to the outer corner of her eye, wiping it away. She opened her eyes and stared at him, blinking slowly as her pupils adapted again to the light.

"I'm still waiting to wake up," she confessed.

"What do you mean?" he asked. His fingers combed through her hair before settling behind her head.

"These last 24 hours…the engagement…everything. It feels like a dream," she explained.

"Well," he hesitated as he thought of a response. He smiled slyly, adding, "You guys don't call me McDreamy for nothing."

Meredith laughed. "No, I guess not," she managed.

He kissed her again gently, trying not to irritate her already swollen lips and flushed chin with his stubble.

"We don't have to go back, you know," he suggested. "We could just stay here."

Meredith's eyes flickered as if she was actually contemplating the suggestion. "Nah, I don't think so," she concluded. "It's getting late, and it's a little cold out here, and your family is expecting us."

Derek nodded solemnly in agreement. His family. They'd have to go back. They'd have to come out of isolation and rejoin the rest of the world. He leveraged himself back onto his knees and pulled his pants back up, disappointed with the inevitable turn of events. He could feel Meredith's eyes following his every movement, analyzing him, but he was too lost in his dwindling mood to care.

"Derek," Meredith whispered. She was sitting up, but not fully dressed yet.

"Yeah," he paused.

"We're getting married. We're always going to be together," she reminded him. Her voice was giddy with excitement, and he realized that she needed to say those words just as much as he needed to hear them.

"Yeah," he nodded. The disappointment was instantly erased from his memory as he latched on to her optimism. "We are."


	30. Chapter 30

**Author's Note: I'm woefully behind on both writing and responding to feedback. I hope you don't mind that I chose to finish this chapter before answering my reviews. I promise that I'll make time to respond this week. I hope you enjoy this chapter! Thanks so much for sticking with me and this fic and for all of your patience in between updates. We're almost there!**

It felt like there was a boulder sliding down Meredith's throat as she swallowed one last time before going into the house. Even before Derek had the chance to open the front door, she could hear the sounds of the children running around inside, and she could tell by the tightly packed driveway that the whole family was here. There would be no easing into this engagement announcement. The minute that door opened, they would be swarmed, and the prospect of that scenario made Meredith feel more than a little claustrophobic.

"My bracelet," Meredith stammered. "I think…I think I was wearing a bracelet when we went to the woods." She gripped her left wrist, running her fingers over the soft skin that would have been covered by her silver bracelet.

Derek paused on the front porch and looked at her, suddenly concerned. "I don't remember you wearing a bracelet today. Are you sure you lost it?"

"I thought I did. The little silver bangle bracelet," she said frantically. In reality, even if she had been wearing it, which she wasn't even sure about, she could have replaced it for less than two dollars. This was not a crisis by any means. But going inside the house had crisis written all over it.

"Okay," he soothed as he put his arm around the small of her back and rested his hand on her hip. "We can go back later and look for it, and if we can't find it, I'll buy you another one."

"No!" Meredith slinked away like a fearful caged animal. "Maybe…" she took a deep breath, trying to collect herself. "Maybe I should take the car and go back while you go inside. It will only take a few minutes," she said carefully. She feigned her best possible "I'm okay, really," look as she waited for Derek's response.

"Meredith," Derek started in a tone that he usually reserved for times at work when he was acting as her boss. "This isn't about the bracelet is it?"

"What?" Meredith gasped a little too defensively. "What do you mean?"

"Not even fifteen minutes ago you said we had to come back because my family was expecting us, and now you want to leave again," he pointed out. He shifted his weight from left to right impatiently as he continued holding their bags.

"You don't have to go. I won't be long, I promise. I just really like that bracelet," Meredith countered. At this point, she almost felt guilty about carrying on the argument so long. It was the kind of silly battle with Derek she often found herself in where having the last word or getting her way was far more important than giving in or moving on.

"Or you really dislike my family," he grumbled, making his agitation abundantly clear as he tossed their bags by the door. He wasn't going to go inside without her, but he also seemed prepared to wait out the conversation for however long it took to get Meredith to see things his way.

"That's not true," Meredith answered. She folded her arms across her chest and stared at the weathered wooden boards peeking out beneath the blue "Welcome" mat that was stained from years of traffic.

Derek sighed audibly and crossed his arms back at her. She could feel his eyes on her, boring into her like a screwdriver twisting a dull screw through a ceramic tile. She knew she wouldn't be able to withstand the pressure much longer before cracking.

"Meredith," he finally started when she somehow managed to remain silent.

She looked up at him expecting some further chastisement, but he performed the opposite. He relaxed his arms and stepped towards her, washing her fear away with his loving gaze.

"There is nothing that I would rather do than hide away with you for a few days more. Believe me. But we're here already, and they're going to notice if we leave or camp out on the porch," he reminded her gently. He tugged her left hand away from her chest and massaged her fingers lightly, tracing the contours of her engagement ring without lingering so long that he neglected the rest of her delicate skin.

"If they don't know already, I want you to be the one to tell them," she insisted softly, revealing a piece of her true fear over the situation. If they weren't ready for her to be a part of the family, she wanted him to be the one to break the news. She didn't know if she could handle the rejection after being showered with so much of his love and attention.

"Gladly," he reassured.

"And questions—you should handle the questions," she concluded.

"Okay, I can do that," he agreed. He pulled her close and hugged her tightly, releasing the tension she held in her back as he rubbed his hands over her shoulder blades. He feathered a quick kiss against her lips and clutched her hand before reaching back down to grab their bags.

Meredith bravely opened the front door for Derek, bracing herself for the storm. A shrieking five-year old ran across the room in a blur that didn't even give her the opportunity to identify which niece or nephew it could be. A toddler raced behind, wobbling on less steady feet before Mark came towering through the foyer like Godzilla smashing down buildings beneath him. Mark's hands were held up by his face in a claw-like pose, and Meredith couldn't suppress a chuckle at the sight of him playing with the kids.

He sheepishly dropped his hands to his side. "I didn't hear you guys come in," he explained casually.

"We just got here," Derek explained. The look on his face reflected his shared amusement at the situation.

"How was your trip?" Mark inquired. He walked toward them and helped Derek unpile the bags from his shoulder.

"It was excellent," Meredith answered before Derek had a chance to respond. She squeezed Derek's hand tightly, trying to signal that he could elaborate.

Mark's eyes shifted back and forth between the two of them, and his eyebrows arched in expectation of some sort of follow-up comments. Derek smiled broadly back, clearly enjoying the anticipation.

"We're engaged," he finally announced. He swung Meredith's arm forward to reveal the ring on her finger, and they both watched as a huge smile stretched across Mark's face.

"Congratulations!" he cheered before leveling a brotherly smack on Derek's arm.

Derek laughed. The joy felt over the situation was contagious. "Thanks, man."

"Get over here, Grey," Mark insisted as he outstretched his arms for a hug. Derek eyed him half-suspiciously as if to signal that he'd be making sure Mark didn't try to feel her up or grab her ass in the process, but Mark did no such thing as he snared her in a friendly hug. "I knew you guys would work it out."

"Yeah," Meredith murmured as she hugged him back. Derek winked at her as she pulled away from Mark, and she immediately felt drawn back to her fiancé's protective embrace. She slid her hand back into Derek's and couldn't help but smile at the supportive attention they were receiving. She hoped the trend would continue as they ventured further into the house.

"What's all the noise out here?" Sarah asked as she moved into the room. "Oh, hey, you're home," she acknowledged. "Did you have a good time?"

"You could say that," Derek acknowledged as he tilted his head suggestively toward Meredith and adjusted her hand so the ring was clearly visible.

"That's g—oh my god!" Sarah shrieked as the light caught Meredith's diamond.

Meredith stepped back, simultaneously startled and embarrassed, but the sound of Derek's excited laughter immediately calmed her.

"Derek," Sarah stammered, temporarily speechless as she glanced between the happy couple. "Did you have this planned all along? How did you propose? Have you set a date?" Sarah spewed the questions as if it was one stream of thought rather than separate ideas requiring separate answers.

"More importantly, are you all sexed out?" Mark asked Derek as if they were hanging out in a college fraternity rather than in mixed company.

Meredith rolled her eyes, but Derek seemed completely unfazed by the question. "If anything, I wore her out," he assured arrogantly, "because that's the kind of man I am." He grinned mischievously at Meredith to let her know he was just joking, but all she could do was shake her head in disbelief. She'd learned long ago from watching Mark and Derek's friendly interactions that one-upping each other was part of their bond. Neither one had any qualms about exaggerating or flat out lying about their prowess if it gave them temporary bragging rights.

"I don't care who wore out whom as long as we can sleep in peace tonight," Sarah teased. She hugged Meredith briefly before wrapping her arms around her older brother's neck. "I'm so happy for you, Derek," she whispered loud enough for Meredith to hear. "You absolutely deserve this," she assured before pulling away. Her blue eyes were misty, and she quickly slid the back of her hand across her lashes to blot away the forming tears.

Derek smiled back at her and nodded as if some special secret sibling message was passed between them. His attention quickly returned to Meredith, however, and he stood behind her, wrapping her up in a backwards hug. Their hands intertwined, and he rocked her back and forth, swaying from the hips in a game that tested how far he could tilt her to one side before she started to lose her balance and required him to catch her.

"I think dinner is going to be ready in about a half hour. You two should announce it then when everyone's in the dining room so you can field all our questions at once," Sarah suggested. She seemed to be addressing Meredith as she said it, and Meredith nodded gratefully at the idea. She was already feeling slightly overwhelmed by the attention from Mark and Sarah, and they were the two family members she felt most comfortable with. She couldn't imagine what it would be like to have that experience times ten.

"That sounds good," Derek agreed as he slowly nudged Meredith toward the stairs, still rocking her back and forth playfully as they moved in a stiff, almost-robotic, progression.

"Cool. You two behave, and I'll call you down when dinner's ready. You can make a big entrance and a formal announcement then," Sarah explained as she started to retreat to the living room.

"Big entrance?" Meredith gulped.

"Or whatever," Sarah assured.

Derek released his grip on Meredith so he could grab their luggage but playfully swatted her on the behind as she raced up the stairs into the comfortable isolation of their bedroom. She tumbled through the door and giggled her way to the bed in anticipation of him tackling her. He failed to disappoint as he threw their bags onto the chair in the corner and dove onto the bed beside her. Her body bounced in waves as the mattress settled from the sudden addition of weight, and for a second, she was worried that the bed frame might crack.

"See, I told you that wouldn't be so bad," he commented as he intertwined his legs with hers.

"Yeah, that wasn't so bad," Meredith agreed. She traced her fingers along his bicep, mesmerized by the delicate feel of the cashmere as she caught her breath. "I guess Mark didn't tell anyone after all," she observed.

"I know. I'm glad – I wanted to be the one to share the news," Derek said. He leaned in closer and rested his head beside her neck so she could hear and feel his soft, measured breaths against her skin.

"You know," she started bravely. She felt simultaneously courageous and vulnerable as she rode the high of sharing their news with Mark and Sarah, and for the briefest moment she felt safe offering Derek an open window to her thoughts. "I'm sorry for whatever I put you through this week in taking back the engagement."

She heard him suck in a deep breath and hesitate a while before releasing it.

"When you first proposed, I was happier than I'd ever imagined possible. It terrified me to lose that moment so quickly, and I…" she continued staring at the ceiling, blinking back tears as she admitted to herself what she'd actually been thinking when she called things off. "I started thinking about how much it would hurt to lose you again, and I pushed you away so I wouldn't get used to the idea of being your wife. I'm going to be a bad wife, Derek. I pushed you away in the moment I should have held on tightest." Her voice cracked under the weight of the disappointment she felt in herself. It was unquestionably a miracle in her mind that he still wanted to marry her after she worked so hard to create unnecessary obstacles and convince him otherwise.

"I don't even know where to start with that," Derek admitted as he tossed his arm across her torso and held her firmly against him. She couldn't get up and run if she wanted to.

But she didn't want to run now. She was tired of running from him, and as the meaning of the engagement ring settled in her psyche, she resolved to make a permanent effort to run toward him or with him, but not away from him.

"It hurt when you did it, I won't lie, but you made the right decision. There's no way that I could have celebrated our engagement then. It all happened too soon and too fast and…It's inconceivable that you could be a bad wife, Meredith. Everything about this week has proven otherwise. You'll be perfect," he responded. He tented the fabric of her shirt over her navel and let it drop against her skin before smoothing it out mindlessly, repeatedly.

"Perfect?" Meredith repeated skeptically.

"Perfect for me," he clarified.

She let out a slightly bitter laugh, expressing that she wasn't so convinced.

"Who else is going to put up with my mood swings or call me out when I have stupid ideas like leaving Seattle?"

"And the winner by default is…" she chided self-deprecatingly.

Derek sat up and propped his head against his hand. He studied her intensely for a few moments and looked like he was going to start saying something before pausing. Eventually he just shook his head. "Shut up," he teased before placing a kiss firmly against her lips. "If you think I'm going to spend the next fifty-plus years listening to you wonder whether or not we belong together…"

Meredith couldn't help but giggle at his reaction. "You win," she admitted.

"What? What was that?" he pressed, feigning shock. "Did you say that I win?"

"Maybe," Meredith flirted.

"I need to hear that again," he insisted as he started assaulting her sides in an endless stream of tickles. She shrieked and twisted, but the tangle of their legs prevented her from escaping.

"No way!" she screamed as her diaphragm spasmed with laughter and tears slid down her cheeks.

"C'mon. Just say it," he repeated as his fingers buried themselves in her sides.

"I…can't…breathe!"

"You can make this stop, you know," he informed her, lessening his torture by the smallest of margins.

"Fine! You win!" she moaned, breathless and exhausted.

Derek immediately released her from his grasp and gave her space to recover. He stood up from the bed and did a small, definitely embarrassing victory dance that she was certain was reserved for her eyes only before strutting confidently into the bathroom.

"When we're married, you're not allowed to tickle me!" she shouted behind him. Her sides hurt from laughing so hard, and her heart was pounding rapidly.

"Now where's the fun in that?" he called back between bursts of running water. He came back to the doorway and hovered there holding a damp washcloth in his hand. "Can I tickle you extra until our wedding?" His eyes flashed mischievously at her as he dragged the washcloth over his face.

"Impossible," she muttered as she adjusted a pillow beneath her head.

He continued to loiter in the doorway and stare at her, a large grin washing over his features. "What name are you going to use when we're married? Will you be Dr. Grey-Shepherd? Shepherd-Grey? Shepherd?" he probed.

Meredith stared at him, slightly disbelieving that she was being asked this already. "I just assumed you'd be taking _my_ name," she managed to say with a large degree of seriousness.

Derek's eyes widened and his jaw dropped, making it difficult for Meredith to keep a straight face. He laughed nervously once he realized she didn't mean it, but he continued to wait for an answer.

"I don't know," Meredith sighed. "It might be confusing if there are two Shepherds in neuro. I need to think about it." In reality, she already had thought about it—several times. Occasionally she'd let her mind wander to the various combinations and permutations of their names, picturing them in her head rather than scrawling them on spiral-bound notebooks like a sappy teenager. She was pretty sure that she'd take his name, but she would keep her maiden name as a middle name or something.

"There are already two Greys with Lexie there. It might be less confusing if you become a Shepherd since it's pretty easy to tell us apart," he lobbied.

"And if I take your name, what do I get in return?" Meredith inquired. Her eyebrows arched expectantly as she negotiated her way into something she would probably do willingly without getting anything in return.

Derek tossed the washcloth back in the sink and sauntered back into the bedroom. "You'd get to be my wife," he growled.

"I get that anyway," Meredith retorted amidst giggles. "And that seems like a double win for you."

"What would you like in return?" Derek asked as he interlaced his fingers with hers and pushed her back on the bed. He knelt down over her, straddling her narrow hips.

"First, I want a no tickling rule," she teased. She gripped his hands extra tight so he wouldn't make any move to try tickling her again.

He leaned forward and buried his head in her neck, emitting a fake pouting sound in her ear.

"And," she started. Her green eyes narrowed as the thought crossed her mind. "If we have kids, I get to decide the name of the first born. On my own."

Derek sat up and stared at her, his eyes radiating like the blue center of a flame. "Kids?" he asked, seemingly caught off guard by her admission of the possibility.

Meredith shrugged in a non-committal way, but confirmed everything she needed through her admiring smile.

Derek nodded slowly, letting the idea sink in. "So you'll take my name, and in exchange, you get to name our firstborn and I don't get to tickle you…while you're pregnant," he quickly added.

"Nor after," Meredith corrected. It was a promise that she knew he'd never keep – one that she wasn't sure that she even wanted him to keep – but one that she'd dangle over him to her advantage whenever possible.

"Deal," he agreed. He leaned back to meet her lips, parting them gently with his tongue.

Meredith relaxed her grip on his hands, and her fingers instinctively meandered towards his head, snaking their way through his dark curls as she kissed him back. She felt his hands slide along her body, brushing past her ribcage before settling back at the curve of her hip. Just as she was starting to become aroused again, he resumed his assault on the part of her body that was most ticklish.

"Derek!" she shrieked as she flailed her arms and tried pushing him away.

He relented quickly, grabbing her fists and overpowering her before she got in too good of a swing at him. "Careful, you're dangerous with that ring now," he said, smirking the entire time he spoke.

She glared at him, uncertain whether or not she should let him back anywhere close to her.

"And our deal is for after you're pregnant, remember?" he reminded her.

"What have I done," she grumbled. She finished pushing him off of her and sat on the edge of the bed. She could hear someone coming upstairs – probably to quiet them down – as she worked on catching her breath.

"Dinner's ready guys," Sarah called from behind the door before trekking back down the steps at a much faster pace.

Meredith drew air into the deepest spaces in her lungs and held it there before releasing it in a sound that bordered on groaning.

"Are you ready?" Derek asked as he stood up. He slid the shoes that he'd kicked off during their wrestling back onto his feet before coming towards her side of the bed.

Meredith pushed herself up from the mattress and caught a glimpse of herself in the distant bathroom mirror. Her face was flushed and her hair was a mess from rolling around beneath him. She moved quickly for her toiletry bag to find her hairbrush and gave her honey-colored locks a couple long strokes to smooth it out.

"Ready as I can be," she finally answered.

Derek winked at her and took her hand, leading her downstairs to the dining room.

As the Shepherd family grew over the years, the cherished dining room table that sat generations of Shepherds became too small to accommodate all the spouses and children welcomed into the family. As a result, dinner was served in waves where the little ones would eat at the kitchen table with their older siblings or cousins while the adults took their seats in the main dining room. When Meredith and Derek entered, the tradition appeared in-tact. Derek's sisters each sat with their spouses around the large table. A seat at one end of the table, typically reserved for Derek's mom, remained open and without a place setting. Meanwhile, two seats near the other end of the table – one at the head and one across from Mark – were clearly intended for Meredith and Derek. They carefully slid past the others and took their seats. Meredith could feel several sets of eyes on them, but she knew that 

unless Mark or Sarah had said something, nobody knew yet. And Derek was carefully covering the ring with his hand to delay the announcement even further.

Derek released her hand and pulled the chair out for her, making sure she was settled before sliding it closer to the table and moving toward his seat. He smiled at her confidently, but remained standing behind the large tan-cushioned chair.

"So, I suppose you're wondering why I went to all this work to prepare dinner for you all and call us all together," he started. He nodded at his brother-in-law, Will, to acknowledge the actual chef behind the feast before them.

"Make it snappy, Derek, I've been smelling this meal all afternoon," Nancy teased as she smoothed the napkin over her lap.

Meredith shifted nervously, once again playing with the engagement ring while her hands stayed under the table.

"Okay, well let's just eat then. I'd hate for you to starve, Nance," Derek said sarcastically.

Nancy rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at him, practically transporting them all back in time to when they were children. Meredith chuckled to herself and imagined the squabbles they probably had at this very table over the years.

"Ignore her, Derek," Kathy asserted. She reached for her water glass and took a sip without looking away from Derek.

Derek laughed and nodded. "Okay, well…" he started. His fingers dug into the back of the seat cushion as if he needed a strong grip to steady himself. He scanned the table of food without settling on any one place or person in particular. Eventually his eyes met Meredith's and he took a deep breath, grounding himself back in the moment as she smiled anxiously at him. He laughed nervously again before looking back at his awaiting family. "I'm just going to say it rather than fumble my way through this…Meredith and I are officially engaged to be married," he announced.

The whole table erupted in a chorus of happy gasps and encouraging words. Meredith revealed her ring from beneath the table, and one by one Derek's sisters got up from the table and came over to hug them both.

Mark retreated to the kitchen momentarily amidst the action, but soon returned with a couple bottles of wine and a corkscrew. "We need the good stuff to celebrate," he announced as he expertly uncorked the first bottle and began filling empty wine glasses around the table.

People settled back in their seats and started passing around the serving plates of meat and vegetables, but everyone seemed excited for Meredith and Derek. If there were any lingering feelings of animosity towards the couple, Meredith couldn't detect them.

"I'd like to propose a toast," Mark announced once all of the wine glasses were full. He was still standing, and he held up his glass of dark red wine while he waited for the others to grab theirs.

Meredith looked over at Derek, gauging his reaction at the gesture. He smiled warmly in her direction and took her hand, squeezing it as he looked up at his best friend.

"I first met Meredith a little more than a year ago, and within five minutes of talking to her, the idea that she was it for Derek was pounded in my skull—literally," Mark started.

Meredith cringed, recalling the instant where one moment she was extending her hand to shake Mark's and the next he was lying on the floor with his cheek split open.

"He may have had a few reasons to punch you," Sarah commented.

"This is true, but there's no question in my mind that in all the years I've known Derek, I've never seen him so affected by someone. So, to Meredith, I'd like to say thank you for resisting me and for giving me my best friend back. I hope that he makes you half as happy as you've made him, and if not, well, you know how to reach me," Mark said. He winked playfully at Meredith before grinning at Derek.

Derek laughed and clanked his glass with Mark's before turning back towards Meredith. She was relieved that he could see the humor in Mark's jokes after all they had been through.

Mark settled back into his chair, and everyone began eating.

Meredith wasn't sure if she was genuinely hungry, or just hoping to avoid having to talk, but she wasted no time in starting to eat. She predicted that the questions about the wedding would be starting soon.

Sarah reached for her wine glass and much to Meredith's surprise, took the next turn to stand and toast the newly engaged couple.

Derek stopped eating and sat back in his chair to give his full attention to his younger sister. It was clear from the intensity of his expression and the way he was subtly holding his breath that Sarah's words would be important to him.

"Mom used to joke that if she hadn't endured two separate pregnancies, she would have thought Derek and I were twins because we had that weird way of knowing exactly what was going on with each other without having to talk. So I guess in that way, I've known this was coming for a long time." Her voice was self-assured—very Derek-like.

"I remember the first time Derek told me about Meredith. He didn't say much, but the way he talked—the way he said your name even—was like nothing I'd ever heard from him before. He was so excited and optimistic and confident, and I instantly knew that this wasn't just a fling for him. You have completely raised the bar for what it means for Derek to fall in love, and I wish you both a lifetime of happiness together."

Derek mouthed the words "thank you" to his sister, and blinked quickly to cover up the fact that his eyes were tearing up from all of the expressions of love and encouragement.

"Thanks, Sarah," Meredith murmured self-consciously. Never would she have expected so many kind words directed at her and Derek.

"I guess it's my turn," Kathy decided as she stood up from the table. All eyes turned towards the eldest Shepherd sibling as she took her now half-empty glass in hand. "I remember once when I was younger, I went to Mom for relationship advice about whether or not some guy I was dating was 'the one.' I still remember what she said. 'Kathy, if you need to ask me, then I think you already know your answer.' And whether I wanted to hear it or not, Mom was right. I guess I just wanted you to know that I'm sure if she was here today and could see the way you two are when you're together, she wouldn't have any question that Meredith is the one for you, Derek. Congratulations," Kathy said. Her voice trailed off to a whisper at the end, overcome by the flood of powerful memories.

Derek smiled and closed his eyes completely, but even that wasn't enough to stop the tears from flowing down his face. Meredith understood exactly how much he needed to hear that from his older sister, and she found her own eyes burning with tears as she considered how much she wished she could have met his mother and had her here for this moment.

Meredith sniffled slightly and ran her thumb under Derek's lower lid, brushing away the tears emerging there. His eyes blinked open at her touch, and he gazed at her lovingly, turning to kiss the inside of her hand before she had a chance to pull it away. He didn't say anything, but Meredith knew – with more certainty than she had ever felt about anything in her entire life – that this was right. Everything about this – the engagement, the announcement, the way they took care of each other – said she had made the right decision.

"Have you two given any thoughts to dates?" Mark asked, rescuing the happy moment from the potential sadness of missing their mom.

Derek cleared his throat and nodded. "We're thinking about next October, actually, in Seattle."

"Great!" Nancy chimed in enthusiastically. "That will give us all an excuse to get together."

"Well, hopefully we'll be able to get together before then – for the holidays at least," Anna interjected seriously.

The table quieted, and Meredith shifted uncomfortably, not certain that she understood why everyone seemed so serious. She could tell from the photographs and stories that the holidays had always been an important time for the Shepherd family, and she knew that the first one without their mom would be difficult, but she sensed there was something more.

"What's going to happen to this house?" Sarah asked cautiously. It was a question that seemed to be on everyone's mind, and Derek seemed relieved that someone was brave enough to ask it aloud.

"You're supposed to sell it and split the money equally unless you can come to another agreement," Kathy's husband, Steve, explained. He was the lawyer in the family, and it made sense that he would be the one charged with overseeing Barbara's will.

"Well, I don't know what you guys will think of this idea," Anna started timidly. "Will and I are really just in the preliminary stages of talking about this, but…what if I moved up here and we turned this place into a bed and breakfast? We could share any profits, and we'd all still have a place to come to over the holidays. I hate the idea of having to sell this place." She fidgeted nervously with her napkin as she waited for a response.

"You'd move up here?" Nancy questioned.

"Well, I'd have to leave my job, so it might not be able to happen right away, but yeah. Will's thinking about opening a restaurant up here, and I wouldn't mind raising the kids here – especially if it meant we'd always have a place that could hold all of us," Anna explained.

"I really like that idea, Anna," Derek voiced supportively.

"I do, too," Sarah whispered.

"We'll have to look into the legal stuff of opening a B&B, but I certainly wouldn't object," Kathy added. "Nance?"

She took a deep breath. "Anna," she hesitated before finding her voice again, "I think it's a wonderful idea."

Anna smiled proudly while Will reached his arm around her shoulders in a half-hug.

"To family," Nancy toasted.

"To family," everyone else echoed back.

It was the first time that Meredith understood exactly how she factored into that equation.


	31. Chapter 31

**Author's Note: Once again, thanks for all the encouragement between chapters. You guys are amazing and (thankfully) patient. You'll never believe this, but I actually have the chapter that follows this done already, and I plan to post it this weekend. There will be three chapters after this one, so the end is very, very close. I sincerely hope you like it! I'm pretty excited about nearing the finish line.**

"We'd love to watch them," Meredith overheard Derek saying as she stumbled into the breakfast nook by the kitchen. Her head was pounding, and her mouth was dry from dehydration. The engagement celebration had extended through several bottles of wine the night before, and at some point, she lost count of how many glasses had been poured for her. In reality, there was probably nothing to count. Derek and Mark had conspired to make sure that her glass never reached an empty point. And while she could kick back tequila shots like they were water, wine was an entirely different and far more regrettable story. She couldn't even remember how she had gotten back to the bedroom the night before, much less what, if anything, she and Derek had done once she got there.

"Good morning, sunshine," Derek said cheerily as he saw Meredith stand in the doorway.

"Hey," she grunted in response as she waved half-heartedly at him. Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail that left oddly placed wisps dangling around her face, and the bottoms of her flannel pajama pants pooled at her ankles. To say that she had given up on her appearance around Derek's family, at least this morning, was an understatement. She didn't care how bad she looked or who noticed so long as there was coffee in her future.

Derek stood up from his seat and attempted to feather a welcoming kiss on her lips, only to be pushed away.

Meredith closed her eyes, scrunched up her face, and wore a pained expression. "Not now…not yet…just…coffee," she mumbled.

"Okay," he answered, understanding that he shouldn't take the rejection personally. He pulled out a chair for Meredith to sit in and kissed her cheek before heading over to the freshly brewed pot that Meredith could smell from all the way upstairs.

Meredith folded her arms on the kitchen table and buried her head against them. Even if she couldn't silence the marching band running between her ears, she could at least get it to stop marching in circles.

"Poor thing," Anna soothed. "You look miserable."

"It's the engagement," Mark quipped. "Lifelong misery to be married to that guy. That's why I haven't done it."

"That's why you haven't married _me_?" Derek teased as he placed a steaming cup of coffee in front of Meredith and started rubbing her shoulders.

"That's why I haven't married anyone," Mark answered, dismissing the joke as he turned the page of the newspaper's sports section. "But I wish you lots of luck and happiness and all that."

Derek's fingers expertly worked at the tension she carried in her shoulders and neck, making her need for coffee feel momentarily less urgent.

"Did you sleep well?" Derek asked as he worked his knuckle into a particularly persistent knot along her right shoulder blade.

"Mmmm-hmmm…" Meredith mumbled. His fingers had reduced her to mere syllables.

Derek swept his hands soothingly over her back and patted her lightly before sitting in the chair next to her. It was amazing how quickly her hangover seemed to barrel over her again as soon as his massage stopped. Meredith sighed audibly before burying her nose over the steam of the hazelnut flavored coffee.

"So, I was thinking that we should go to one of those farms where you can pick your own pumpkins today," Derek suggested.

"Uh, okay," Meredith answered before carefully sipping her coffee. She hoped that the caffeine would help her make sense of his idea.

"Mark? Do you want to go and help Sarah with the kids?" Derek continued. He eyed his best friend expectantly as he waited for the answer.

"That's fine," Mark answered without lifting his eyes from his paper.

"Great. So do you just want to trade vehicles for the day so we don't have to move around the car seats?" Derek asked Anna.

Meredith looked quizzically at Derek. Her mouth hung open as she tried to retrace the conversation and figure out where she got lost.

"Yeah, that works. They're both rentals anyway, and the minivan will be much easier for you guys," Anna answered. She stood up from the table and carried her cereal bowl to the kitchen sink.

"Minivan? Why do we need the minivan today?" Meredith whispered as soon as Anna started running water in the sink.

"Because we're taking care of the kids for the day," Derek answered matter-of-factly. He reached over and rubbed her shoulder reassuringly, but the grin spreading across his lips revealed his amusement. "Anna and Will wanted to investigate the bed and breakfast idea, and I said we would be happy to take care of the kids while they do it."

Meredith nodded almost robotically as she allowed Derek's message and the implications of it settle in.

Her, Derek, three kids, and a minivan. It wasn't just the hangover making her slightly nauseous.

"You okay, Grey? You're suddenly looking a little green," Mark commented as he folded the paper and put it back on the table. A smug expression washed over his face as Meredith continued to clutch her coffee mug.

"I'm fine," Meredith mumbled, still in shock.

Derek started rifling through the newspaper in search of the crossword puzzle, and Meredith sipped her coffee in silence. She considered faking illness and going back to bed. Derek could certainly fend for himself with the kids, particularly with Mark and Sarah around for support, and it wouldn't be that much of a stretch – she _was_ feeling a bit ill all of a sudden. And she could blame him and his heavy-handed wine pouring.

"Why don't you take a couple aspirin and get some breakfast," Derek prescribed as he found a pencil on the kitchen counter. "I'm sure you'll feel better as soon as you get something more in your system." He smiled playfully at her with his I-know-exactly-what-you're-thinking-and-don't-even-try-it smile.

Meredith's next sip of coffee went down in a painful gulp. She nodded weakly as he tossed his pencil on the newspaper and proceeded to make her breakfast for her.

"This is going to be so much fun, Grey," Mark teased. "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Derek pushing the baby carriage."

"Just…stop," Meredith groaned. Her head moved slowly from side to side as she fought the mental images.

"You're right, it's not so much of a carriage. More of a stroller. And Anna has one of those backpacky things so you can just carry Zach around all day," Mark continued. His amusement at the situation was more than palpable.

Meredith mustered every iota of energy she had and channeled it into a piercing glare targeted exclusively at Mark. While she hoped it would cause him to cower in fear, it only made the corners of his mouth curl further upward.

"Here's your breakfast," Derek announced as he placed the bowl of cereal with fresh blueberries in front of her. "I'm going to go shower so I can help the kids get ready while you're showering and stuff."

Derek flew out of the room and up the stairs before Meredith even had a chance to respond.

"He'll make a super father," Mark acknowledged.

"Yeah," Meredith answered feebly.

"And I bet you'll be an okay mom, too," Mark encouraged. He stood up from the table and patted Meredith's shoulder supportively before he loaded his own breakfast dishes into the dishwasher.

Meredith sighed with resignation to her fate and reached for Derek's abandoned crossword puzzle.

* * *

"Bottles and diapers are in here. I also put his plate and sippy cup inside in case you decide to use those at lunch. He can eat real foods if you cut them into very small pieces, but watch out because he has a tendency to throw food – especially when he's done eating," Anna instructed.

Meredith nodded solemnly, trying to absorb each and every instruction as if it was advanced medical procedure. She wondered if this was how George felt when he had to operate in the elevator.

"He should fall asleep in the car – Laura too – they both typically nap after lunch, and he'll take naps periodically throughout the day. Do you want the stroller too or just the carrier?" Anna continued.

"Um, I'm not sure. Derek?" Meredith called.

"What's up?" Derek asked as he came over. He was carrying his four-year-old niece, Laura, piggy-back, and she was giggling incessantly into his neck as he intentionally bounced around.

"Stroller or carrier?" Meredith asked.

"Both," Derek answered without hesitation. "We should have both on hand just in case, don't you think?"

"Okay," Meredith agreed. "We'll take both."

"Good choice," Anna concurred. "Now the carrier takes some work to figure out. Let me show you how it goes. Hold your arms out."

Meredith followed instructions while Derek watched. His eyes sparkled mischievously and a large smile washed over his face as he watched his youngest sister outfit his fiancée with a baby backpack.

"You can wear it so he's in front of you or behind you. It goes over your shoulders and around your waist like this," Anna explained as she fastened and adjusted the straps to fit Meredith's small frame.

"Which should I do? Front or behind?" Meredith pressed with uncertainty.

"Well, if you're doing things that he would want to see, put him behind you. That will free up your arms more too if you're picking pumpkins or managing the girls. But if he's cranky or tired, you should put him in front of you so you can soothe him," Anna described with a great deal of patience. It was easy to see why she chose to be a kindergarten teacher.

Meredith's heart raced frantically as she felt herself encased by the padded straps and plastic clasps. While Derek bounced about energetically to entertain his niece, Meredith suspected she'd accomplish the same effect just by trembling uncontrollably.

"This is safe, right? I won't drop him or anything if he's in this? He can't get out, right?" Meredith worried aloud.

"As long as you're wearing it right, he'll be fine," Anna comforted.

"I'll triple check it for you – don't worry," Derek assured with a confident wink.

"Okay," Meredith answered. She let out a steady stream of breath in one long burst.

"You've got my cell number?" Anna asked.

Meredith shook her head no and immediately pulled out her cell phone to program both Anna and Will's numbers. She knew that Derek had them, but all sorts of nightmare scenarios coursed through her mind as she imagined getting separated from Derek and having to fend for the baby and herself on her own.

"Do you want me to pack their lunches?" Anna inquired as she finished zipping up the large diaper bag.

"We've got it. You and Will should just get going," Derek answered.

Anna hesitated, mentally cataloguing anything she may have forgotten to mention, before helping Meredith out of the baby backpack.

"Okay, then. Don't hesitate to call me if you need anything. _Anything_," she insisted.

"We'll be fine, just enjoy your afternoon," Derek assured. "And take your time. The kids are going to have a great time with Uncle Derek and Aunt Meredith, right Laura?"

"Right!" she giggled back. Even Meredith couldn't resist smiling at the enthusiasm.

Will came in carrying Zach and passed the one-year-old over to Meredith.

"I just changed him so he should be good for a while," Will explained.

Zach latched onto Meredith's hair and pulled down with a forceful tug that made her grimace in pain.

"You might want to pull your hair back," Will suggested with the slightest twinge of mocking pleasure.

Meredith simply nodded as she tried to work her hair out of the baby's shockingly tight grip.

"Are you ready?" Anna said as she exchanged keys with Derek.

Will nodded, and they both took turns kissing their children goodbye before heading out the door.

"Are _you_ ready?" Derek asked Meredith seriously as soon as they heard the door close.

Meredith laughed nervously. "Piece of cake, right?"

"Absolutely," he gushed. "Mark! Sarah! Let's go!" he yelled as he attempted to mobilize the rest of the family for the day trip.

Zach squirmed in Meredith's arms at the sound of Derek's voice.

"You're going to be good today, right?" Meredith said softly to the little boy as she nuzzled his fine blonde hair, which smelled like the baby shampoo used in the pediatric ward of the hospital.

Zach looked up at her with his big blue eyes and clapped his hands together. An encouraging smile and a happy squeal escaped his lips.

"That's what I thought," Meredith replied. She hugged the child closer to her body and carried him into the foyer in search of his hat, coat, and shoes. She was nearly knocked over by the stampede of twin toddlers and Mark heading into the room for the same purpose.

"Race you to get your coats on," Mark rallied as Josh and Jake shoved their arms into the coats he tossed down to them. Regan, Cate, and Laura soon followed, and before Meredith even had a chance to reach for Zach's coat, she and Mark were completely surrounded by a midget army.

Derek wandered in behind them, weighed down by the bag of supplies and various items to be packed into the van.

"Are you coming?" Derek pressed with concern as he saw Meredith just standing there with Zach.

"Yeah…just…coat, shoes…need to find…" she stammered.

"Do you want help?" Derek asked. He set the bags down and proceeded to locate Zach's items without even waiting for Meredith to respond.

"Sure, that would be…" _great, _she murmured, still slightly dumbfounded by all the commotion.

Meredith traded Zach over to Derek in exchange for the tiny shoes, coat and hat and followed them over to the stairs where Derek sat. She crouched down in front of them with the shoe in hand, but just as she was about to put it on Zach's left foot, Derek blew a large raspberry on Zach's neck, causing him to giggle and kick and squirm wildly.

"Derek," Meredith half-scolded. She arched her eyebrows at him but couldn't hide her amusement.

"Sorry," he apologized as he repositioned the child on his lap.

Meredith took a deep breath and tried again. Just as she got the shoe over the baby's toes, Derek resumed the raspberries and the shoe went flying over Meredith's shoulder.

"Seriously?" Meredith barked. "You think this isn't difficult enough to begin with?"

Derek shrugged. "I couldn't resist. I'll stop. Promise."

Meredith rolled her eyes at him and relocated the shoe. "You promise?"

"I promise," he answered with a quick wink that made Meredith more skeptical than reassured.

Derek watched Meredith intently as she worked the first shoe on and then the second. He even laughed when she breathed an audible sigh of relief that the mission was accomplished.

"I can get the coat," he offered as she finished. She handed him the puffy blue jacket and watched as he carefully stuffed the little boy's arms into the proper sleeves and turned him around to zip it up. "Sarah is packing lunches for everyone, so we should be all set. Can you load the kids into the minivan while I help Sarah haul out the coolers and stuff?"

"Sure," Meredith answered as she slid the hat over Zach's head before putting on her own navy blue pea coat. _How hard could this be, really?_

"Great," Derek answered. He passed Zach back to Meredith and tucked the keys to the minivan into her coat pocket.

"Cate and Laura, are you girls ready to go?" Meredith asked as she started walking towards the door. She maneuvered Zach over to her hip as she reached into her pocket and pressed the button to open the side door of the minivan. The two girls climbed in immediately, and Meredith found herself facing the next challenge of her afternoon: the car seat.

"Is the seat supposed to face this way?" Meredith asked as she noticed the rear facing seat fastened into the middle row of the van.

"Yeah," Cate answered quickly, her small voice teetering on condescension.

"How can I watch Zach when he's in it if he's facing this way?" Meredith continued to wonder aloud.

"We watch him. Or you can sit back here, but we're not supposed to sit in the front seat until we're bigger. Daddy says so," Cate explained.

"Okay," Meredith sighed. She eyed the various straps on the inside of the car seat and tried to determine the best way to fit them over Zach's body. After what took far too long, Meredith felt confident in her strategy and began to place the baby in the seat. Zach wiggled and squirmed in resistance, and Meredith found him getting tangled in the straps.

"You're doing it wrong," Cate intervened. This time there was no mistaking her condescension.

Meredith released her hold on the baby and the straps and watched in disbelief as the eight-year-old exercised her authority and made the task seem as easy as reciting her ABC's.

"That's it?" Meredith mused.

"Uh-huh," Cate answered. She settled back into her seat and fastened her seatbelt. Laura sat in her booster seat and fastened her seatbelt as well. She had already taken out a book to look at and seemed oblivious to the conversation occurring between her older sister and future aunt.

"Sure. Of course. Well…thanks," Meredith stammered as she carefully closed the door.

"Are they all settled?" Derek asked as he finagled a couple bags and the stroller toward the rear of the van.

"Cate thinks so, so I'm gonna say yes," Meredith answered.

Derek quirked his eyebrow upward at her before letting out a small chuckle.

"Today's going to be fun," he assured her. The rear hatch of the minivan popped open and Derek piled the items neatly inside.

"I hope so," Meredith reluctantly agreed.

"I know so," he insisted. He grasped her hand with his as he closed the hatch back up and squeezed it gently. His eyes sparkled an icy blue that reminded her of raspberry sno-cones and the few times she played in the snow with her father on a vacation here or there.

She placed her hand on his chest and leaned in to kiss him, conveying her thanks for the much needed encouragement. He was here to help and guide her. They could manage it together, even if they needed to consult a third grader every once in a while.

"Break it up guys—you can make your own babies later. We're ready to go," Mark interrupted as he walked past the couple on his way to Sarah's minivan. He slapped Derek on the back, inadvertently pushing him into Meredith, and he laughed as he watched them stumble and regain their balance.

Meredith felt her skin turn a bright hue of crimson, but Derek seemed largely unfazed by the comment. He squeezed her arm again gently and turned back towards the driver's side door. "You guys should follow us," he yelled.

"Fine," Mark agreed. Their car doors opened and slammed in a poorly coordinated rhythm as they settled inside and started their vehicles.

Derek tinkered with the GPS system while Meredith surveyed the spectators in the backseat.

_Three children, all seemingly secured in their seats, all currently occupied by some activity or another. No one screaming, crying, or bleeding. Score one for Meredith and Derek._

"Everybody ready?" Derek asked as he pulled the van out of the driveway.

"Yes," Laura and Cate cheered in unison.

"Meredith, are you ready?" Derek pressed.

"Yup," she answered tentatively.

"I'm ready too, Uncle Derek," Derek said on Zach's behalf in a small, high-pitched voice. It reminded Meredith of a voice he once used on the elevator as he tried to deliver messages to her from Doc during their painful separation. She recognized at the time that he was flirting with her, but she justified it with the rationale that he was only trying to give her a window into her dog's thoughts—and how could she resist when that window opened up to the life she wanted with Doc's adoptive father?

"How long will it take to get there?" Cate interrogated.

Meredith braced herself for future "Are we there yets?" and sank lower in her seat.

"It will take a little while. You should just rest because you're going to want all of your energy when you get there," Derek insisted patiently.

"Mmm-kay. You put on music?" she continued.

"Sure," Derek answered as he turned on the CD already in the console. Far too cheery female voices started singing Disney songs, and Meredith wondered how long it would take Derek to turn it off in search of a more acceptable radio station. Much to her surprise, he left it alone and turned the speakers to the back of the vehicle so the sound was muted to the adults.

"So, this place is actually a vineyard," Derek explained, "but they have events year round. We can either pick grapes or pumpkins today – maybe both –"

"Pumpkins. Definitely pumpkins," Meredith insisted. She scrunched her nose as she felt her stomach roll. She had only recently recovered from her latest wine-tasting event, and she had no desire to see anything associated with another bottle anytime soon.

"That's what I was thinking. We can carve them up tonight," Derek agreed. He seemed almost giddy as he announced his plans, and Meredith had to stifle a laugh at his boyish enthusiasm.

"I bet you carve a mean pumpkin," Meredith quipped.

"I should've packed a scalpel. Then I could _really_ show you how it's done. I wonder if Nancy has one I can use…"

"Seriously? You use a scalpel to carve a pumpkin?"

"Sure, why not?" he asked.

"I don't know. It just sounds…it sounds like something Cristina would do," Meredith mused.

"It sounds like something _surgeons_ would do," Derek corrected. "Ask Mark."

Meredith smiled and nodded, unable to formulate a response.

"You haven't carved many pumpkins, have you?" Derek realized. His eyebrows pressed together and a small crease formed above the bridge of his nose as he looked at her.

"No," Meredith admitted. "None, actually."

"Well, I'll have to find a really good one for you," Derek decided. He reached across to pat Meredith's hand and ended up leaving his hand there, holding hers.

The rest of the drive went by quickly as Derek navigated the Connecticut countryside. Orange, yellow, and fiery red trees lined the streets and were only occasionally broken up by sprawling farms and old houses that made Meredith's mind wander to what their house in Seattle would be like. Derek had mentioned calling the architect again, and she knew that he was serious about following through with those plans as soon as they got back to Seattle. She had to admit that she was excited about the prospect of designing a house, even if it was a monumental move for them. It was one thing to imagine their dream house and another thing entirely to put the plans in motion.

Derek followed the signs toward the family-friendly farm and parked in an expansive gravel parking lot outside a large white building. Two smaller red buildings flanking the sides, and a sea of lush greenery surrounded them. Further on the horizon, several red maples completed the landscape.

Once the car was turned off, Derek turned towards the children in the back seat and spoke authoritatively. "I'm going to get out and help Meredith and Zach get organized. Can you girls stay in your seats until I come to your side and get you?"

"Okay," Cate answered on behalf of both sisters.

"And when we get out of the car and are wandering around, I need you to either hold my hand or Meredith's hand, k?"

"I'm not a baby anymore," Cate argued defiantly.

Derek didn't flinch at her reaction.

"I know because if you were a baby, you'd be in a car seat and I'd be carrying you on my back. But since you're a big girl now, I think the hand holding will be sufficient."

Laura looked up from her book, suddenly concerned. "Does that mean that you won't carry me on your back?" Her lower lip jutted out as she pouted.

Derek chuckled. "I think I can make an exception for that. Wait here."

Meredith took her time getting out of the van and preparing herself for the afternoon ahead. She felt the color draining from her face with each step towards the back of the van where Derek stood waiting with the baby backpack. As much as she wanted to smile and look excited, her feeling of dread made her feet seem encased in cement blocks.

"Do you want to wear him on front or back?" Derek asked cheerfully before he took the time to examine Meredith's expression. He took two steps toward Meredith, and his smile quickly evaporated into concern. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine. I'll wear him on my back," she answered. She tried to force the corners of her mouth up, but she knew that Derek would recognize that she was trying too hard. There was no point in even bothering.

"You know that you're a ridiculously bad liar, right?"

"Yup," Meredith dismissed. "Are you going to help strap that on me?"

Derek waggled his eyebrows mischievously. "Taken out of context, that could be an interesting question," he teased.

Meredith glared at him as she reached for the cushioned straps of the bright red baby carrier. She slid one arm through, and then the other, before fastening the buckle around her waist. Derek meanwhile assisted with adjusting the length of the straps so it fit her body well. By the time they finished, Meredith felt like she was outfitted to jump out the side of an airplane. She was pretty sure she would prefer that option.

"Have I mentioned that you're cute when you're pissy?" Derek attempted to console.

"I'm not pissy," Meredith barked. The accompanying stomp of her foot betrayed her emotions, however, and Derek couldn't stifle the laugh that came with winning the argument.

"Tell me what's wrong," he insisted.

"You're very clearly genetically wired to be superdad while I'm trying to recall every pediatric procedure I've ever learned because I'm certain I'm somehow going to kill Zach today," Meredith confessed.

Derek sucked his lips between his teeth to stop himself from grinning, and Meredith cracked a small smile as she realized how ridiculous she sounded.

"I'm going to be with you all day, and if I had any doubts about our joint ability to watch the kids, then I wouldn't have agreed to take them. You can do this," Derek encouraged.

"I can do this," she repeated.

"Right. And step one is getting Zach out of the car. Are we good?" he asked as he wandered towards the side door.

"We're good," she said as she exhaled a big breath.

Derek carefully unlatched Zach's car seat straps and hoisted him into the carrier so that he faced the back of Meredith's head. The added weight made Meredith feel temporarily off-balance, but she quickly figured out the best way to manage the extra twenty pounds packed onto her back. She found that when she took large, lunging steps, it bounced Zach a bit extra and caused him to giggle in her ear, and while she couldn't see him smiling at her, his laughter was contagious nonetheless.

"See, you're a natural," Derek commented. He winked at her as he went back to the rear of the van to retrieve the bag of baby necessities.

"Oh good, you guys are almost ready," Sarah observed as she pushed a two-seated stroller with her twins. Mark stood off to the side, playing with Regan. The little girl repeatedly walked up his legs and flipped herself over while he held onto her hands.

"Yeah," Meredith agreed. The realization that she was only responsible for one baby and not two toddlers immediately made her feel better.

Derek finished helping Cate and Laura out of the van and led the group toward a ticket window to get information about the pumpkin patch while Sarah and Meredith continued to hover in the background.

"It's interesting to see Mark playing with the kids so much," Meredith admitted to Sarah.

Sarah turned her attention back to Mark and Regan playing by the parked minivans. A wistful smile glazed her lips. "Yeah," she murmured, "he could be a grownup if he wanted to be."

Derek finished paying their admission fees and skipped – actually _skipped_ – into the pumpkin patch with his nieces. Mark and Regan jogged behind them to catch up, and Meredith and Sarah took a much more leisurely pace into the rows of green and orange vines. They couldn't help but laugh at Derek's overwhelming enthusiasm.

"Derek is decidedly anti-grownup right now," Meredith concluded.

"Oh, I don't know about that," Sarah argued. "There's a difference between playing with the kids because you genuinely enjoy it and playing with the kids because you think it will up your chances of getting laid."

"You think Mark's doing all this to get to you?" Meredith pressed, trying to conceal her shock.

Sarah's eyebrow arced towards her hairline in a clear _do-I-even-need-to-answer-that_ stare.

"I see," Meredith mumbled as she stared ahead to where Derek hunched down to evaluate a pumpkin.

"Look, don't get me wrong," Sarah continued, "Mark's a great guy and he's been super sweet and helpful this week, but he's Mark, and that brings a whole host of complications that I'm sure you can appreciate. In a different world, maybe, but I don't have the energy to tame him."

As if on cue, Mark looked over towards Sarah and winked. It almost made Meredith feel sorry for him.

Derek pulled out his first pumpkin and ran back towards Meredith while the girls explored further in the patch with Mark.

"Do you like this one? Or should I give this to the kids and keep looking?" Derek asked as he held out the large, round pumpkin proudly.

"Um, I think it's fine," Meredith replied, half-chuckling.

"Because there are ones that are more oblong if you'd rather have one of those. Different shapes can be better depending on what design plan you have in mind," he explained.

"Design plan?"

"Yeah, do you want to make a scary pumpkin? Is this just going to be a jack-o-lantern, or do you want to create a scene? If you want to carve a scene, the oblong shape might be better," he continued.

"Okay, seriously? I agree to carve a pumpkin with you and suddenly you've become Martha freaking Stewart. It's a little scary," Meredith acknowledged.

"So my pumpkin's not good enough for you? Is that what you're trying to say?" Derek shot back while Sarah laughed at the absurdity of the conversation she was witnessing.

"Yeah, Derek, that's _exactly _what I'm trying to say," Meredith answered sarcastically. "Now will you give me the pumpkin?"

"Only if you say please," Derek insisted.

"Please, Derek, will you give me this perfect pumpkin that I will cherish until—ow!" The sensation of Zach yanking down on a fistful of hair interrupted Meredith's thoughts.

"Good job, Zach," Derek laughed, patting the baby lightly on the back. "He's on my side," he murmured as he passed the pumpkin over to Meredith.

"I'll have to work on that," Meredith teased. Her green eyes twinkled mischievously at Derek, and her cheeks flushed in the midday sun.

"You do that," Derek flirted back. He hovered for a moment in front of her, wearing the kind of smile that stopped her in her tracks.

Meredith's eyes shifted down toward the pumpkin so she could break away from his gaze. "It's a good pumpkin," she whispered as she shifted it in her arms.

Derek simply nodded and ran back to join the others.

Five perfect pumpkins later, they returned to the vans and retrieved their lunches for an afternoon picnic. The temperature was crisp, but the sun was shining brightly, keeping them all warm as long as they stayed beneath its rays. Meredith balanced Zach carefully on her lap and fed him small bites of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich while Derek watched. He was doing a good job maintaining conversation with his nieces, but Meredith could tell that his attention really was focused on her.

Aside from the occasional glob of peanut butter that somehow ended up in her hair, she couldn't complain about her first major babysitting endeavor. Zach had been good-natured and happy the entire afternoon, and she hadn't had cause for a single panic attack. She was actually proud of herself, although she suspected this was all a fluke. There was no doubt in her mind that being a parent would be much more difficult than this. She'd have years of opportunity to mess things up rather than just a few hours under the careful supervision of Derek and his family.

They packed up their trash and blankets and slowly assembled the items that needed to go back to the van. Derek turned the entire process into a game for his nieces, and Meredith stood off to the side watching with Mark.

"So, what did you do with Meredith?" Mark jabbed as Meredith made funny faces at Zach.

"Excuse me?"

"Meredith Grey. You know, the dark, twisty, dirty mistress marrying my best friend? I'm pretty sure she doesn't do families and kids and stuff," he continued.

"You're clearly one to talk," Meredith answered as she kissed the top of Zach's head. She had adjusted the baby carrier so he was facing her in the hopes that he would take a nap soon.

Mark snorted. "It's like a virus—the Shepherds just infect us with happiness or something."

"Maybe that's not such a bad thing for people like us," Meredith countered weakly.

Mark glanced back at her and shoved his hands deep inside of his pockets. "No, maybe it's not," he agreed. They wandered silently back towards the rest of the group heading into the gift shop while Meredith gently rubbed Zach's back in an attempt to soothe him towards sleep.

Derek waited at the door of the gift shop for them, propping it open so they could navigate the tightly packed aisles together.

"How are you holding up?" he whispered to Meredith as soon as they were inside. A large display of orange "I picked my own pumpkin" tee shirts cowered in front of them.

"I'm fine," she chortled as she took in the country kitsch of the shop.

"Actually fine or _fine_ fine?" he pressed as he slid his hand around her hip.

"I'm good," she acknowledged. She nodded emphatically for extra emphasis.

"Do you want me to carry Zach for a while?" he continued.

She nuzzled the baby closer to her chest without even realizing it. "No, he's good too."

Derek smiled in amazement. "Okay, well if you change your mind…"

"Do you _want_ to hold him? I could let you hold him if you want to. I'm good with sharing and he _is_ your nephew," she rambled self-consciously.

"No," Derek chuckled softly, "I'm happy to watch you with him. Besides, it looks like he's falling asleep. I'd hate to wake him up." He swept his hand gently over the back of Zach's head, smoothing out the tiny blonde curls as Meredith watched, completely captivated.

"So, I was thinking, if you want, maybe we could come back here for Thanksgiving or Christmas or something," Meredith started as she inched her way down an aisle. Derek trailed immediately behind her, eyeing the various "Made in New England" products lining the shelves.

"Yeah?" he voiced with surprise.

"Yeah, sure. If you want," she repeated casually.

"Mmm, real homemade maple syrup. This stuff is good—have you ever tried it?" Derek questioned, temporarily distracted.

"Yeah, it's good. Get some," Meredith answered.

"Maybe we should get a couple. One to take home with us," he leaned into her ear and whispered, "and one that I can drizzle all over you later tonight." He lifted his eyebrows and gazed at her seductively.

"Derek!" Meredith gasped, momentarily thrown off by his unexpected comment. She lifted her hands up to cover Zach's ears. "You are _so_ corrupting this poor child," she accused.

"He's asleep," Derek dismissed.

"Well, it's probably settling somewhere in his precious psyche," Meredith countered. "Your uncle is a dirty, dirty man," she whispered to Zach. "Just ignore him."

"So two bottles?" Derek pushed as he reached towards the shelf.

"That sounds exceptionally messy and sticky," she argued.

"I'll do an _excellent_ job making sure it's not," he responded slowly to give her time to imagine the seduction scene he was building for her.

Meredith drew in a deep breath and bit her lower lip. She could feel her body flushing at the mere thought of it.

"Better get three. They're small bottles," she mumbled out of the corner of her mouth.

"Now we're talking," Derek laughed. He hugged three of the maple leaf-shaped bottles to his chest and pulled Meredith toward him with his empty hand. His hand glazed quickly over her engagement ring, as if to remind them both that it was there, before he squeezed her hand and led her farther down the aisle. He didn't even notice the gaggle of nieces heading toward him.

"Uncle Derek, will you get these pumpkin dolls for us?" Laura asked as she waved a doll with a human body and a pumpkin head in front of him.

"Are you sure you want these?" Derek snickered in disbelief as he examined the slightly disturbing family of pumpkins thrust before him.

"Yeah," Regan answered enthusiastically.

"Okay," Derek responded.

"You're such a pushover," Meredith commented.

"What, because I spoil my nieces?" he retorted.

"Maybe," she answered.

"You're just jealous that I'm not getting one of those dolls for you," he joked.

Meredith snorted so loudly that Zach stirred for a moment.

"Why don't you go pay for the stuff, and I'll think of alternate ways you can spoil me later," Meredith concluded.

"Fine."

She watched as he was once again swarmed by his nieces at the check-out counter, and she couldn't help but smile as she crept back to the minivan, careful not to wake Zach up from his nap.

The drive home was much quieter than the way there. The flurry of activity seemed to leave everyone exhausted and speechless, and even Meredith found herself dozing off intermittently during the hour-long country drive. Occasionally Zach woke up and made some noise, but Cate seemed well practiced at dealing with her baby brother in the back seat, leaving Meredith to watch in awe. The eight-year-old was like a second mom, and Meredith wanted to believe that if a third grader could manage the nuts and bolts of parenthood, then she could too. But a louder, more pervasive voice resembling that of Ellis Grey's said she didn't stand a chance. There was no way she could master those skills without the background of having younger siblings or prior opportunities to babysit. She wasn't cut out to be a surgeon, and she certainly wasn't cut out for motherhood.

Meredith shook her head, trying to abandon those thoughts, while Derek glanced over at her with concern.

"What's up?" he pried.

"Nothing. Just thinking of all the things I have to do when we get home," she lied.

"We'll be back in a couple days," he consoled, "it'll be fine."

"Of course," Meredith agreed. She was happy that he missed the window to her vulnerable psyche.

When they finally got home, Meredith was more than willing to let Derek take the kids inside while she unpacked all their belongings from the minivan. She hadn't felt this exhausted since her first thirty-six hour shift, and she had no idea how people could manage parenting twenty-four-seven. Still, she continued to sift through the contents of the van, gathering up trash and sippy cups to take into the house.

The sound of the TV hummed from the living room as she walked in, and she knew that Derek already had the kids settled in there. She was relieved to have a few more moments to herself. She unpacked the diaper bag and began washing out bottles and cups in the kitchen sink. The warm, sudsy water was comforting in a way, and it was a relief to do something mindless for a few minutes. She gathered a few remaining dishes spread throughout the kitchen and loaded up the dishwasher before wiping down the countertops. When she was finally convinced that there wasn't any other work left for her to do, she resolved to join Derek and the kids in the living room for what was probably the second showing of "The Lion King" for the day.

As soon as she stumbled into the living room, the scene before her took her breath away. Derek slept peacefully on the couch with Zach resting comfortably on his chest. Meanwhile, Laura was lower on the couch, also asleep, with her arms hugging Derek's leg. A contented smile danced across Derek's lips, and he had one hand draped over Zach while the other rested in Laura's short brown hair.

She carefully tip-toed toward the couch and knelt down by Derek's head, watching how Zach was raised and lowered by the steady rhythm of Derek's breath. Derek's eyes fluttered open with her presence, and she silently cursed herself for waking him up.

"Hey," he whispered.

"Hey," Meredith replied shyly. "Today was a lot of fun," she added with some hesitation.

"It was, wasn't it," he beamed.

"You're really good with the kids. I had no idea how great you are," she admitted as much to herself as to him.

"You doubted?"

Meredith shrugged innocently.

"You were pretty good yourself. You never cease to amaze me."

Meredith leaned in and kissed him passionately, her tongue gliding naturally into his mouth as her lips mashed against his. She closed her eyes and felt a low moan forming in her throat as he kissed her back.

"You really want kids someday," she remarked once she pulled away and caught her breath. Zach and Laura continued to sleep peacefully against him.

"You don't?" Derek voiced with disappointment.

"How many kids are we talking about here?" she pressed. She rested her head against his shoulder and pulled against the fabric of his shirt, tenting it around his lowest rib bone.

"Well, I'm probably too old to convince you to produce our own little league team," he acknowledged.

Meredith choked at the claim and poked him playfully in the side.

"Maybe we could start with one and see how that goes?" he whispered hopefully.

"Hmmm…" Meredith murmured into his side. She eventually looked up at him and locked her eyes with his. "Maybe. That might work."

She watched as the corners of his lids crinkled and a haze of water glossed over his piercing blue eyes. She quickly kissed his forehead and stood up, fleeing back to the kitchen and the morning's crossword puzzle before he had a chance to say anything more.

But she knew that his eyes were following her all the way out the door, just as she knew she'd need to give some serious consideration to how to follow through with the promises she was making him.


	32. Chapter 32

**Author's Note: I'm still planning to finish up this weekend—certainly within the week—and I promise that I'll respond to all of your **_**amazing**_** feedback once this story is complete. It's great to have you all cheering me on, though. It really, truly, is! Particularly when I stumble into occasional walls and want to bang my head (rather than my fingers) against the keyboard. And in case you're not signed up for story alerts, I just wanted to let you know that this is the second chapter I've posted in the last 24 hours, so you may have a couple chapters to catch up on now. I only point that out because lately I haven't managed two updates in a single week much less two in a 24 hour period, and I don't want anyone to miss the previous chapter because…well, just because! Have fun with this one! **

Derek tossed around in bed for about the fortieth time in half as many minutes. He was surprised that the constant movement hadn't woken Meredith up, but the persistent rhythm of her snores let him know that she was in a deep sleep. Part of him wanted to wake her up and force her to share in the experience of his insomnia, but he knew from previous sleepless nights that he would regret that decision. If he was going to wake her up, he needed to have a good reason—something bigger than "misery loves company"—and at the moment, he definitely lacked a compelling reason to disrupt her sleep.

He glared at the alarm clock, counting the number of red glowing dashes required to form the digital numbers 5:32. Fifteen dashes, with two blinking dots sandwiched between the five and the three to taunt him.

Derek rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He kicked the blankets off his legs and pointed his toes at the large dresser on the opposite side of the room. His flannel pajama pants were wrapped tightly around his knee, the fabric twisting like a boa constrictor around him amidst all of his movement back and forth. He lifted his leg in a giant kicking motion and sighed as he felt the blood circulate a bit faster after so many hours of lounging in bed.

_5:33. One hundred seventeen minutes until the alarm is set to go off. Perfect._

Derek started to mentally catalogue the tasks waiting for him in Seattle, starting with things to do around the apartment and gradually spiraling outward toward the hospital and his property across the sound. The items ticked away like fluffy white sheep jumping over a brown picket fence, but they failed to lull Derek back to slumber-land. If anything, they left him feeling more alert and awake.

Derek ran his fingers through his hair and clasped his hands together behind his head, leaning back against his interlaced fingers while his arms fanned out beside him. He was going to stay awake—this much he knew—but he hadn't decided how he would use that time yet. After a few more minutes of quiet contemplation, he rolled out of bed and crept out of the bedroom.

The hallway was still lit exclusively by the eerie glow of nightlights strategically positioned every few feet along the wall. Derek tiptoed carefully down to Sarah's room, and he was immediately relieved to discover that the door was unlocked. The last thing he wanted was to have to knock and potentially wake everyone else up. He carefully turned the knob and inched the door forward to minimize the creaking. He skulked stealthily towards her bed, nearly blowing his plans when his toes jammed into a dresser, which forced him to bite his fist rather than cry out in pain. The remaining steps were taken hobbling to his eventual destination.

"Sarah," he whispered, "wake up."

She mumbled incoherently something that sounded like "leave me alone" and rolled over.

"Sarah, c'mon. Please?" he urged as he plopped down in the vacant space on the edge of the bed. He massaged his toes, relieved to find the pain abating quickly.

Sarah groaned and tossed back over towards him, the fog of sleep slowly lifting. "Derek?" she finally voiced. "What's wrong?" She leaned on her side, her head propped against her hand.

"Nothing's wrong—"

"Then why are you here?" Sarah's voice flattened into an irritable monotone.

"I couldn't sleep, and…Do you want to go jogging with me?" he asked.

Sarah groaned loudly and flung herself back against her pillows. Her movement was so dramatic that it caused Derek to bounce slightly as shock waves rippled across the mattress.

"C'mon, it's your last morning to hang out with your big brother—your _only_ brother," he pressed, laying on the guilt as thickly as he could.

"What time is it?" Sarah whined.

"Almost six," he answered quickly.

"Your flight's not until three. We'll jog later," she grumbled as she rolled away from him and pulled the blankets tightly around her.

"But I'm leaving at noon, and how many opportunities do we get to have brother-sister bonding—in person, I might add?" He tugged on the blankets, trying to loosen her grip on the comforter that had blanketed her bed since high school.

"You're old news. I saw you all week. Go away," she hissed.

"That hurts…Please?" he pouted.

"I hate you."

"You love me."

"You're my least favorite brother!"

"And your most favorite brother. You know you want to go jogging—feel that crisp Connecticut air against your face? It'll just be you, me, and the trails," Derek continued to campaign.

"Is there _any_ chance that you'll shut up and let me go back to sleep?" she snarled.

"At this point, it's doubtful."

Sarah emitted a long, exasperated sigh and rolled onto her back.

"Someday, you and Meredith are going to have kids, and I'm going to remember this. We'll see how sprightly you are before six on your days off when you're juggling a full family," she argued as she yanked the covers off her body and sat up.

"I'll always be sprightly in the mornings. I'm an amazingly good-spirited guy," Derek teased triumphantly.

"You probably _will_ still be obnoxiously perky. And I'll _still_ hate you," she sneered.

"You'll still love me. Downstairs in five?"

"Hours?" she attempted.

"Nice try. Minutes," he shot back.

"Fine," she groaned.

Derek retraced his steps back to his bedroom and carefully extracted some sweatpants and a sweatshirt. He changed quickly and somehow managed to locate socks and tennis shoes without turning on any lights or waking Meredith up. He slid his fingers between the loops of shoelaces and scampered out of the room. He decided it would be better to put them on once he made it downstairs and could actually sit down and see what he was doing. He practically galloped down the steps, momentarily less concerned about waking up others, and dropped his sneakers on the kitchen table.

"You're evil, you know that, right?" Sarah acknowledged as she joined him. She yawned ceremoniously before plopping into a chair beside him.

"You won't think I'm an evil an hour from now when your adrenaline is pumping and you're wide awake," he argued as he double-knotted his left shoelace.

"No, I'll probably think it was a mistake to beat you with a tree branch and leave you for dead in the woods," she muttered.

"You'll feel guilty because you love me," Derek concluded.

"I don't know what Meredith sees in you," Sarah grumbled. She sat up suddenly and stared at Derek, her eyebrows raised suspiciously. "And why isn't Meredith the one being subjected to this inhumane treatment this morning?"

"You're my sister. You're inevitably stuck with me. She has much more power to tell me to fuck off," Derek admitted with an innocent shrug. "That and she has certain other leverages—"

"Stop! I've heard enough," Sarah interrupted. "Let's just get this over with," she said as she stood up and started walking towards the door. Derek followed close behind, unable to conceal his smirk.

The two exited quietly and walked past the family of jack-o-lanterns carved on the porch. The night had been considerably colder than they'd expected, and a thin coat of frost blanketed the neighborhood, turning it into a sort of crystalline wonderland. Derek frowned slightly, knowing that the pumpkins wouldn't last much longer in that weather, but he ultimately knew it would be someone else's problem to deal with after he left.

Once they cleared the driveway, Sarah and Derek set out in a light jog along the streets. It was still dark and quiet, and given that it was early on a Sunday morning, only a few houses had any lights on. Most people were still snuggled in bed, resting from their busier weekday routines. Even though Derek was taller than Sarah, their legs seemed to move in unison as she took slightly larger strides to stay beside him. They remained quiet and self-absorbed, speaking volumes without using their voices just as they'd always managed to do somehow. Sarah had been the one constant in Derek's life, and he knew and trusted her more than anyone.

"I'm glad we got to hang out together some this week," Sarah eventually confessed as she let go of her bitterness about being torn from her bed.

Derek smiled sadly. "Me too. I hate that we live on opposite coasts now. That's the one downside about being in Seattle."

Sarah nodded and slowed her pace slightly. Her expression was hesitant, but she quickly regained her confidence and caught back up to Derek. "Tell me about Seattle Grace," she said determinedly.

Derek glanced over at her to gauge her interest. He'd been "telling" her about Seattle Grace for months, but he sensed she was asking something different this time. She was asking him to give her the pitch.

Derek went into great depth about the hospital, describing the facilities, the organizational structure, and the teaching responsibilities. He gave her information about the typical daily schedule, the politics of the board, and a detailed breakdown of what kind of benefits would be available as an attending. He did the best he could to describe the hospital in a positive light without hiding anything he'd want his sister to know about in advance.

Sarah remained quiet throughout Derek's description, but it was clear from her facial expressions that she was absorbing all of the information he gave her.

After a few minutes of reflective silence, Derek couldn't resist an opportunity to prod for her reaction.

"What are you thinking?" he pressed.

Sarah sighed and slowed to a stop. She hunched over and rested her hands just above her knees as she steadied her breathing. Derek stopped with her and waited, watching how her breath came out in foggy puffs as it met the cold morning air.

She straightened back up and faced her older brother, her blue eyes searching his for some sort of understanding. He smiled warmly at her, and it was all the encouragement she needed to continue. She started walking at a leisurely pace and shoved her gloved hands in the front pockets of her deep burgundy Harvard sweatshirt.

"I've always admired the fact that you were able to pack it all up and move across the country after Addison and Mark," she confessed.

Derek's lips pursed together and a small crease formed above his nose. "Yeah, well…It worked out, but it was mostly just me running away scared shitless."

"You got a fresh start. I want that."

"I did for a while, but you can't exactly run away from your problems. Mine certainly followed me," he acknowledged.

"I know," Sarah murmured. "It's just…my life's not working right now. It's not what I want, and I'm ready for a change."

"And you think Seattle might be that for you?" Derek asked cautiously.

"Maybe," she shrugged. "It's certainly worth thinking about."

"Well, if you're seriously thinking about it, I should emphasize two major selling points," Derek replied. "For one, I'd get to be your Chief of Surgery."

"I've had you bossing me around my whole life. I don't know if that's a selling point for _change_," Sarah teased.

Derek elbowed her playfully, causing a small giggle to pierce the morning air.

"And then there's Mark," he continued.

"Yeah," she answered flatly.

"You two seemed to spend a lot of time together this week," he observed, but he knew as he said it that it wasn't a casual observation. It was one loaded with innuendo that begged for Sarah's response.

"Mark was…he was sweet this week. He really was. It was nice to have him here," she admitted. She spoke in clipped sentences that revealed her hesitation.

"But?"

"But Mark's the same as he ever was. One agenda, whether he wants to admit it or not, and he's never matured past 21."

Derek nodded. "You're probably right. But if anyone could make him settle down and grow up, it would be you. He's been in love with you since we were teenagers."

"But I just don't think I'm up for that," Sarah replied sincerely. "I'm leaving a bad marriage with three kids—I don't want a fourth."

They walked quietly, lost in their own thoughts. The only sounds around them were the occasional bird chirping and leaves crunching beneath their feet as they strolled along the side of the road. The sun was starting to emerge on the horizon, casting the sky in cloudy cerulean.

"I really like Meredith," Sarah offered, changing the subject. "I mean, I always thought I would based on what you told me about her, but it's nice to actually meet her."

Derek beamed with pride. It meant the world to him to have Sarah's approval.

"She's got spunk," Sarah continued.

"That she does," Derek agreed with a chuckle.

"She keeps you on your toes."

"Also true," he laughed.

His fingers were starting to get cold so he tried breathing on them and rubbing them together before stuffing them in his pockets. Part of him wanted to resume jogging, but he was enjoying the conversation.

"I'm really excited about getting back to Seattle with her," he confided.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. We finally worked out some things this week. We're getting married, we're going to build a house, she's more open to having kids—"

"All of that was decided this week?" Sarah interjected. Her eyes were pinched with concern.

"Good progress, huh?" Derek professed. His smile quickly faded, however, as he met Sarah's skeptical gaze.

"Were any of these things her idea? Or were they all you?" she interrogated.

Derek carefully considered the question. The fact that he couldn't come up with an answer provided Sarah all the evidence she needed to continue.

"You know, you complain about her hesitations in the relationship, but then when she moves forward, you demand more. It's not a race, Derek. No one's keeping score," she advised in a tone that only she could get away with.

"So what are you saying? I shouldn't want these things with Meredith?" he growled defensively.

"Oh, that's not what I'm saying at all, and you know it." Sarah shot back, her irritation apparent. She took a deep, calming breath before continuing. "I just think you need to be careful and not push too hard, too fast."

Derek folded his arms in front of his body and brooded as he walked. Part of him knew that he needed to hear this, but it didn't mean that he wanted to.

"Can you be one hundred percent confident that these are all things she wants? Or let me ask this another way: if Mom hadn't died this week, would you have made this much progress with Meredith?"

Derek refused to answer. He hated the way that Sarah could make him feel like a jackass with just a few pointed questions.

"I'm happy for you both. I really am. And I hope you get all those things," Sarah consoled. She linked her arm supportively through Derek's as they continued walking. "But don't chase her into a corner with all of your crazy, irrationally time-sensitive expectations," she mocked lightly.

"Sometimes I hate you," Derek groaned.

"You love me."

"Yeah," he sighed, "I guess I do."

"Race ya back home?" she asked as she broke away and set off in a sprint, not bothering to wait for his response.

Derek laughed and chased after her, much like he'd done with all the women in his life.

--

"Tomorrow at this time we'll be back at work," Meredith mused with a half-groan. The suitcase and garment bag sat on the neatly made bed, and she carefully folded clothes so that everything would fit securely inside.

"Yeah, the Chief already left me a couple messages about things I need to take care of tomorrow," Derek admitted. "I get the impression we've been missed."

"A week is a long time to be away," Meredith remarked.

Derek finished gathering clothes from the floor and closet and took them to Meredith.

"It is, but it went by quickly, ya know?" he sighed. He was desperately looking forward to going back to Seattle and getting back into their normal day-to-day routines, but he couldn't deny feeling sad that they had to leave. It had been months since he had been in Connecticut, and he had no idea how long it would take for them to return. Even though Meredith made mention of Thanksgiving or Christmas, there was no telling whether they would both be able to secure the time away so soon. And even if they did, everything would be different. The house, the smells, the company…all would seem foreign without his mom acting as the ringleader.

"Yeah, I know," Meredith soothed. She finished putting Derek's suits and slacks in the garment bag and zipped it shut. "But we'll be back soon," she promised.

"You think so?"

Meredith shrugged. "Sure."

Derek let out a small chuckle. "It's weird, packing up like this."

Meredith continued working on the suitcase. "What, me doing all the work while you watch?" she jabbed.

"I've been helping. I've gathered the clothes for you to fold and sort and pack," he argued sheepishly. She was right. He'd been so lost in his thoughts that he'd stood idly by while she did the majority of the packing for both of them.

Meredith picked up Derek's sweatshirt and sweatpants that were still damp with sweat and crinkled her nose. "Do you want me to pack these with the rest of our clothes?" she asked as she held them between her index finger and thumb as far away from her body as her arm would extend.

Derek took the clothes from her and started folding them sloppily. "It's fine, I'll do laundry later tonight," he explained as he tossed the garments in the suitcase.

Meredith moved into the bathroom to finish gathering toiletries while Derek scanned the room for anything they might be leaving behind. The room felt suddenly empty and cold, oddly reminiscent of the day he first packed his bags and left for college. He knew that when he came back, it wouldn't really be his anymore.

"Okay, I think we've got it all," Meredith announced as she came back into the bedroom. "I just put our shampoo and stuff under the sink so it will be here next time since we can't take it on the plane with us."

The corners of Derek's mouth flickered upwards at her second mention of coming back. The more she said it, the more he started to believe it was a possibility.

She finished closing up the bags but hesitated when she noticed that Derek was staring off across the room.

"Hey," she whispered.

"It's not my mom's house anymore," Derek decided without making eye contact with Meredith.

"Hmmm," Meredith murmured before walking over and snaking her arms around Derek's waist. "In my experience, the part of your house that's your mom's never really goes away," she explained softly.

Derek sucked in a breath and glanced down at the waifish figure holding onto him. A sense of calm washed over him, and he knew she was right. He wrapped his arm around her, hugging her closer, while his other hand smoothed out her long brown hair that seemed to be streaked with sunlight. He kissed the top of her head gently and sighed when she looked up at him with wide green eyes that radiated love and warmth. She didn't say anything, but she didn't have to.

Derek scanned the room one last time and nodded.

"Let's go home," he concluded.


	33. Chapter 33

**Author's Note: Holy kerbopple, another update?! That's right. Still writing madly. Third update this week! (Um…probably shouldn't get used to that. Just sayin'…) Thank you so much for the reviews. They're definitely helping to fuel this writing frenzy, and I promise I'll respond as soon as I finish this fic. Only one more chapter to go after this! Yay! !! (And then I'll probably start the sequel…hmmm…).**

As soon as Meredith turned the key in the door and stepped inside, she was transported to the night over a week ago when Derek first proposed. The air was heavy with the perfume of now-dead roses and lilies, and the label on the bottle of champagne was peeling off after soaking in the ice bucket for a week. The two champagne flutes continued to sit in undisturbed perfection next to the ice bucket, and the empty bottle of scotch was tipped on its side on the floor by the coffee table.

Meredith dropped her keys and purse on the stand by the front door and slid her feet along the hardwood floors, somberly retracing the steps of a week ago in reverse. She walked over to their answering machine and started listening to messages—condolences mostly—while she rifled through their large stack of irrelevant mail.

Derek brushed by and dumped their luggage on the couch, mumbling something about starting laundry soon. He snatched up the glasses and empty bottle and organized all of the offending memory-triggering items on the granite kitchen countertop.

"It's good to finally be home," he sighed half-heartedly. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself as he said it.

"Mmmm," Meredith murmured in response. She could feel him hovering behind her, and she knew if she took just one or two steps back she'd be brushing up against him. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to make some sense of what she should do now. It was only seven o'clock Seattle time, and while she had no desire to do much of anything, she knew that a brutal week back at work loomed over them.

"Well, we should probably clean up a bit," she decided. She started to reach for the dirty dishes, but Derek quickly intercepted her hand.

"Let's not. We can do it later," Derek answered.

"I just want to get it over with," she argued. "It shouldn't take too long."

"I'll have someone come and clean the apartment tomorrow. Let's just relax," he persuaded.

She turned to face him and saw the pleading desperation in his eyes. It was unlike him to accept clutter, but he seemed like a little boy advancing every possible argument for procrastinating from doing his chores.

"I could start a bath," he suggested when he wasn't sure she was entirely convinced.

Meredith's resolve weakened further, and she shrugged. "A bath could be nice."

"Okay. I'll start it in a few minutes. I just want to sit for a bit," he responded. He kissed her briefly and moved into the living room. He relocated their bags to the floor and sat on the couch that gave him the best view of the ferryboats in the sound. It was a rainy fall evening, and it was starting to get dark, so he knew that he wouldn't have a great view for long. It was less exciting to watch the boats when they were just floating red and white lights against the blackness.

Meredith resumed cleaning up, rationalizing that she would just take care of a couple things, but she couldn't help watching Derek's mournful expression. It may have just been the exhaustion of a full day of travel, but something told her that it was much larger than that. He was holding something back, and that prospect always terrified her.

She dried her hands on a kitchen towel and walked over to sit with him on the couch. She didn't want to say anything—she'd give him the chance to open up first.

"I think Sarah is going to fly out this week for a cardio interview," he admitted.

"Really?" Meredith sputtered in surprise.

"Yeah, I'm going to talk to Richard tomorrow about setting something up," Derek said. A tiny smile slid across his lips as he spoke.

"Do you think she'll move out here?" Meredith wondered aloud.

"I think there's a reasonable chance. Yeah," he answered.

"Does Mark know?"

Derek's eyes locked with Meredith's, making her feel relieved that they shared this sort of co-conspiracy about Sarah and Mark.

"Not unless she told him," he answered. He lifted and lowered his eyebrows suggestively and pulled her closer to him on the couch.

"Is that what you were thinking about on the plane?" she prodded. They'd spent much of the flight wrapped up in their own worlds as Meredith sat sandwiched between Mark and Derek in coach. She and Derek had been reading wedding and architectural magazines respectively while Mark harassed the airline attendants. At one point Meredith had to actually swat Mark's hand away from pressing the call button a fourth time.

"No, not really," Derek dismissed. His head tilted down so that it rested on top of hers, and she could hear him inhaling the scent of her hair.

"So what were you thinking about then?" she pushed. The way he wrapped her up in his arms made her feel slightly less insecure, but she still knew he was holding something back.

"Just thinking about the week," he admitted. The tone of his voice revealed that it was an incomplete thought. There was something more he needed to get out, but he hadn't found the courage to say it yet.

Meredith waited patiently, dragging her fingers softly along his thigh as she nuzzled up to him.

"Maybe we shouldn't rush into the house plans. Maybe it's too much, too soon." His voice quavered as a he spoke, oozing with uncharacteristic insecurity and doubt.

Meredith sat up and looked at him, slightly panic stricken.

"I thought you wanted a house," she lobbed like it was an accusation.

"I do. It's the whole reason I bought that land. But we don't have to do that now. We've got a wedding to plan and work stuff to deal with. You don't need the extra stress," he argued.

Meredith's eyebrow furrowed with concern. She hated when he unexpectedly changed his mind, especially when he did it under the guise of protecting her in some way. As much as she sometimes needed it, she didn't want him going to any great lengths to protect her.

"I can handle the stress," she answered more aggressively than intended. "You want the house, we'll build the house."

Derek's blue eyes looked tired and defeated, and Meredith immediately regretted her response.

"Maybe I want the house, too," she eventually whispered.

He studied her carefully, apparently unconvinced.

"Maybe I _want_ the big house with the master bedroom that overlooks the city and the sound and the giant bathroom and fireplace. Maybe I want the big kitchen so we can pretend we know how to cook when, in reality, neither of us can manage much beyond boiling water," she continued.

Derek couldn't help but smile. "I'm actually a pretty good cook," he corrected.

"Maybe I want the big porch where you can grill your fish without stinking up the house and where we can sit and watch the stars and ferryboats and share a beer and just be…" She couldn't meet his gaze as she spoke. Looking at him would only make her realize how much there was no "maybe" attached to her request.

"Just be perfectly happy together?" he finished for her.

"Yeah," she whispered.

He tilted her chin up towards him so he could read her expression, and her hesitation seemed to fall away.

"I'll call an architect tomorrow," he confirmed. "But, Meredith…I don't need a house to be happy."

Her eyes narrowed into small, seductive slits as she leaned in and kissed him fully. "What _do_ you need?" she purred. She moved from his lips to his jaw before nibbling gently on his earlobe.

Derek closed his eyes and leaned back on the couch. A low moan formed in his throat and came out as the word "you."

Meredith slipped her leg across his lap so she was sitting on her knees and straddling him. Her hands found their way to the buttons on his shirt as she continued to run her mouth and tongue over his neck. The woodsy fragrance of his aftershave lingered subtly as she nuzzled the patch of skin near his Adam's apple. Several hours' worth of stubble was just starting to break the surface, tickling her skin as she touched it.

Derek's hands latched onto Meredith's hips and guided her into a slow grind against him. She could feel his fingers slipping through the belt loops on her jeans, causing them to settle lower on hips than usual. She finished unbuttoning his shirt, pushing it away quickly, before slipping her hands through his dark curly hair. It fringed beneath her fingers as she grasped it, and his head moved towards her chest. She wasn't sure if she had pushed him there or if he had moved voluntarily, but she unquestionably loved the sensation of his mouth hungrily caressing her sternum before moving lower. The combination of their movements built her arousal quickly, and it took her a couple nanoseconds to register that the sudden shudders against her leg was her cell phone and not the friction of Derek's hands rubbing along her body.

"My phone," Meredith whined as she started to reach for it.

"Don't answer," Derek breathed heavily between moist kisses against her collarbone. "Voicemail," he grunted.

Meredith's mind flashed back to the last time they ignored a call and ended up with Mark practically beating down their apartment door. She lifted her fingers to Derek's mouth, effectively shushing him, and answered her phone.

"Hello?" she somehow managed.

Derek began sucking the fingers that touched his lips in long strokes. Chills shot through her entire body, forcing her to close her eyes and clamp down fiercely on her lower lip in order to stifle the moan she was certain would escape otherwise.

"Oh, thank god you're home…You're home, right?" Cristina sounded panicked on the other end of the line.

"We're home. Just got home." Meredith opted for monosyllabic words in the hopes she could cover up the major distraction that was now slipping his hands under her shirt.

"Great," Cristina gushed. "We'll be there in a few minutes."

Meredith's eyes shot open and grew wide. "We?" she gulped. When there wasn't any response, she looked at her phone and realized that Cristina had already hung up. "Oh, no, no, no," she sobbed.

"What?" Derek murmured, clearly not in tune with her distress as he kissed her upper abdomen.

Meredith quickly pushed him away and jumped up off the couch. "Crap!" she yelled as she scrambled to clean up. She felt like Miranda Bailey had caught them in the tail-wagon all over again.

"What the…?"

"Cristina—they're on their way!" she whined as she dragged their suitcases out of the living room and into the bedroom.

"Of course she is," Derek grumbled bitterly as he started buttoning his shirt back up.

"We have to clean up. She already knows we're home, so we can't pretend to be gone," Meredith shouted.

"You said _they_," Derek accused as he stood in the bedroom doorway, blocking her path back to the living room. "Who's _they_?"

"I don't know. But whoever they are, I don't think they've seen our apartment before," Meredith stammered. If there was a phone call equivalent of a code blue to spring her into action, this was it. She did not want unexpected guests when their apartment felt more like a messy college frat house than their own personal sanctuary.

Derek let out an audible grunt of frustration and started making their bed while Meredith disposed of the dead flowers and started spraying air freshener throughout the apartment. In reality, their apartment wasn't terribly messy; it just wasn't up to the standards they wanted for guests.

Just as they neared a stage where there weren't any quick cleaning projects left to complete, the entry system rang, announcing their guests. Meredith buzzed them in while Derek fluffed a couple throw pillows on the couch. Meredith opened the front door of the apartment and hovered there, preparing to catch a glimpse of who was accompanying Cristina as they came off the elevator. Her fingers tripped against the platinum engagement band as she kneaded her hands together, and that instilled an all new sensation of panic.

She'd have to tell Cristina, and she wasn't ready to do that.

She folded her right hand over her left, obscuring the ring from view, and watched as the elevator doors sprang open.

"Crap," she muttered under her breath before forcing a welcoming smile. The familiar chatter of Izzie, George, Alex, Lexie, and Cristina filled the hall, and they all came toward her carrying various baskets or casserole dishes.

"Hey!" Izzie gushed as she saw Meredith.

"Hey guys, come on in," Meredith choked as she held the door open for them.

Izzie led the group into the apartment while Cristina hovered in the back.

"Look, Betty Crocker's been on my case all day, and as soon as Bambi found out where we were going, it became a freakin' field trip," Cristina whispered out the side of her mouth.

Meredith nodded in understanding and closed the door.

"What's all this?" Derek asked warmly as he walked toward the kitchen counter.

"We brought food. We figured you'd be too tired to cook anything and probably didn't have groceries yet. And since we couldn't do anything for you while you were in Connecticut, we thought we'd do this," Izzie explained as she laid out a virtual buffet of casseroles and baked goods.

Alex reached for a brownie, but Izzie quickly swatted his hand away. "They're for Dr. Shepherd!" she snapped.

"This is all so much and so thoughtful. Thanks a lot, Dr. Stevens," Derek responded genuinely.

Meredith smiled and laughed to herself. She'd noticed that Derek had reverted to addressing her friends by their last names since his promotion to co-chief, but she hadn't expected that to extend to social occasions.

"Yeah, thanks Izzie. That was really considerate," Meredith agreed.

"It was no problem. I'm happy to help," Izzie answered, downplaying the several hours she had clearly spent in the kitchen generating that much food.

Derek's eyes met Meredith's and then dropped down to her covered hand. He was clearly suggesting that they announce their engagement, but he was waiting for Meredith's lead.

Meredith's gaze darted left towards Cristina, and then back to Derek, secretly communicating that she wanted to tell her best friend first. He nodded in understanding before going to the cupboard for plates.

"I hope you all will stay and eat with us," he started. "We couldn't possibly eat this much, and we'd love to catch up with you all."

A chorus of agreement rippled through the room as people started to take off coats and form a line towards the food. Meredith took this as her opportunity to pull Cristina away for a few minutes.

"I need your help with something," Meredith nudged quietly before setting off for her bedroom. Her mind raced as she tried to think of a way to tell Cristina about the week's events, and she knew it wouldn't be a particularly easy task. Cristina had never been fully accepting of the relationship, and Meredith wanted to use some finesse in explaining the situation.

But impromptu speeches by Meredith never had finesse.

Meredith settled on the edge of the bed and kicked her legs out like a little girl sitting in an oversized chair. She was frustrated and on edge from the situation, and without thinking, she lifted her hands to her face to massage away the headache forming behind her temples.

"Meredith…what is _that_?"

The tone of Cristina's voice immediately startled Meredith. It sounded like she'd seen a three-foot cockroach.

"What?"Meredith gasped.

"That?" Cristina repeated, her eyes focused on Meredith. "What is that?"

Meredith realized her cover had been blown as she followed Cristina's gaze to the ring. "Oh that," she fumbled. "It's…" _nothing? Three carats? An engagement ring?_ None of those seemed like a fitting response.

"How did it happen?" Cristina pressed as she sat down on the bed beside Meredith. She sounded like she was getting a medical history more than engaging in casual conversation, and Meredith immediately felt defensive.

"It was a long week," Meredith floundered nervously.

Cristina stared with disbelief. She would clearly need more explanation than that.

"We've been thinking about it for a while," Meredith continued.

"So his mom died, and he was all like 'Let's get married?'"

"No, it wasn't like that," Meredith dismissed. "Is that what people are going to think this is?" she panicked. She knew that wasn't how it happened, but developing a coherent cover story for their unusual circumstances seemed beyond her.

Cristina's eyebrows rose skeptically, and her eyes seared into Meredith like two pieces of charcoal.

"He proposed before we knew," Meredith blurted. She hadn't planned to tell anyone of the original engagement, but she found herself backed into a corner.

"What?" Cristina returned, her gaze softening slightly.

"Before we knew she died. Last Friday. I didn't tell you because the timing seemed off. We wanted to wait – until after the funeral – to tell people, and I wanted to tell you in person. He proposed twice. I made him do it over," Meredith rambled. She thought the more she explained, the more accepting Cristina would be.

"So he did it before he knew," Cristina processed.

"Yes."

"And it's what you want? You two are happy?"

Meredith smiled with sudden confidence. "Yes."

"Well then, why are we hiding in here when you've got a Martha Stewart wannabe in the other room who would drool over your engagement announcement?"

Meredith let out a relieved giggle as her friend pulled her up from the bed.

"I hope you have booze if I'm going to have to listen to Izzie plan your wedding all night," Cristina jabbed as they returned to the living room.

"I can probably find something," Meredith answered.

Her friends had settled around the coffee table with plates of food in their laps as they filled Derek in on all of the traumas he'd missed over the week. He seemed happy and relaxed around the group of rising surgeons, and he smiled warmly as he saw Meredith and Cristina return to the group. Cristina flashed a quick, arguably approving grin towards Derek, but it was gone before anyone could be sure they saw it. She continued into the kitchen to assemble her dinner and search for a drink while Meredith settled onto the arm of the sofa beside Derek.

Derek set his dinner on a napkin on the table and moved his hand to the small of her back. His thumb slipped under her shirt and strummed the soft skin at the base of her spine. "Did you want to tell them about our week?" he prodded. She could tell by the way his eyes sparkled up at her that he was excited about spreading the news.

"Yeah," Meredith answered. "But maybe you should tell them," she nudged. She did not want to replicate the debacle of her last announcement.

His eyebrows crinkled together in confusion, but she nodded at him to encourage him to go on anyways.

"Well," Derek started, clearing his throat. "We're actually glad that you all came over here and we have you all together because we have some news to share." He seemed a bit nervous, and he kept glancing back towards Meredith as if to pass the announcement back over to her.

All eyes seemed fixed on them, and Meredith smiled uncomfortably. She wasn't used to the dramatic announcements or all the attention.

"We're engaged," she blurted. She couldn't handle waiting for Derek to conjure some perfect declaration of their commitment to each other.

Alex's jaw dropped in amused surprise, and Lexie and George gasped. A series of congratulatory remarks came in their direction, but not before Izzie had bolted across the room to check out the engagement ring.

"Oh my," she sighed as she moved Meredith's left hand into better light. "That diamond is huge! Well done, Dr. Shepherd. George, you've gotta come over and see this. This is what engagement rings should look like."

Cristina started choking in the kitchen, and Meredith fought to suppress her own laughter. She'd heard about Izzie's "tiny diamonds" comment when George and Callie got married, but she'd been certain Cristina had exaggerated. Now, she was starting to believe it.

"When's the wedding?" Lexie asked timidly.

"Probably in about a year," Derek answered.

"I love fall weddings," Izzie gushed. "And it'll be here? In Seattle?"

Meredith nodded.

"That's so great! You guys are so lucky," she continued as she backed away from Meredith. "Isn't this amazing?"

Derek laughed in agreement and hugged against Meredith's side.

"It calls for drinks," Cristina announced. She carried bottles of tequila and rum beneath each arm and several plastic cups in her hand.

Meredith's friends knelt down on the floor around the coffee table as Cristina distributed the cups. Meredith joined the group, smiling happily as she poured herself a shot of tequila. She felt Derek's legs fanning out behind her torso, and he leaned over her shoulder, pulling her hair back in long soothing strokes.

"Do you want one?" She turned toward him to ask.

He smiled and shook his head no. "I think I'll just watch," he answered.

"Shepherd, if we're going to let you marry her, you need to do a shot," Alex dared.

Meredith smirked and turned back to Derek to see his response.

"One shot?" he repeated begrudgingly.

"Just one," Lexie encouraged. She winked at Meredith in support.

Derek looked back at Meredith and reluctantly rolled his eyes before shaking his head. "Fine, but just one," he caved. He sank down on the floor next to his fiancée as her friends cheered triumphantly. Even Cristina seemed amused.

Alex poured a large shot of tequila into the red plastic cup and passed it to Derek, causing the otherwise reserved neurosurgeon to cringe.

"We never said the engagement would be easy," Meredith teased, leaning into him.

"You could've at least offered to make this a body shot," he snickered back with a signature wink.

Everyone held up their makeshift shot glasses. Izzie opened her mouth to start a toast, but Cristina quickly interrupted.

"To Meredith and her McDreamy," she offered simply.

The group quickly pulled back their cups, and Meredith practically inhaled its contents, savoring the slow burn as it trickled down her throat. She slammed her cup on the table first and giggled at the pained expression on Derek's face as he fought down his own drink. His face pinched tightly and he started coughing as he sat his own cup down, knocking over another empty cup in the process.

"I can't believe you like that stuff," he choked.

Lexie stood up and ran to the kitchen to get him some water.

"It's better with limes," Izzie offered.

Derek shook his head in disgust and gratefully accepted the glass of water from Lexie.

"So does that mean you won't do another with me?" Meredith teased.

"If you think I'm going to do another, then your judgment is already impaired," he fired back. "No way."

Meredith pouted half-heartedly and playfully poked him in the side. He grinned back at her and draped his arms around her shoulder, drawing her in for another hug.

"I love you," he whispered into her ear.

She looked back at him gleefully, signaling her reciprocation as her cheeks lifted into a delighted smile.

"We should do another," she announced to her friends. She'd already had the opportunity to celebrate her joy with Derek's family. Now she wanted to experience it with her own.

Even if she didn't need to rely on the alcohol to feel intoxicated anymore.


	34. Chapter 34

Derek watched as the headlights of Meredith's jeep trekked down the muddy gravel road towards the clearing. For a moment, he wasn't even paying attention to the architect's running commentary of ideas for their future home. The only thing he could focus on was Meredith and how happy he was that she'd arrived, even if she'd missed the majority of their meeting.

"Is this your wife?" the architect asked gruffly as he followed Derek's stare.

"Almost. Fiancée," Derek replied.

Meredith waved as she parked the jeep next to his Denali and quickly climbed out. Her small feet plodded plaintively against the ground, dodging puddles here and there, and she clutched a bag tightly to her side as she ran up to them.

"I'm so sorry I'm late," she apologized more to the architect than to Derek. He'd already heard her apologies when she called thirty minutes earlier rambling about needing to take care of something at the house before she came. He'd just assumed they'd been having problems with the fuse box again, and Izzie tended to call Meredith in to act as landlord rather than troubleshooting things herself.

"It's not a problem, but I think we're done here actually," the architect replied as he scrawled a couple more words on his clipboard and capped his pen closed.

"Oh," Meredith sighed with disappointment.

Derek shrugged and rubbed her back soothingly. "Don't worry," he assured. "I was very thorough with our requests."

"Indeed," the architect agreed. "And I'll courier my first draft of the plans over to you within four weeks."

They shook his hand and watched as the architect retraced Meredith's tire tracks back up the road.

"You told him everything?" Meredith asked, her voice laced with doubt.

"I think so," Derek assured her as they started to wander toward the center of the clearing and look out at the city that stretched out for miles below them.

"Our bedroom's going to be on the west side?" she continued.

"Yes, with a small balcony to boot," he responded.

"And the porch? You told him how we want the porch?"

Derek smacked the palm of his hand against his forehead and watched as Meredith's jaw dropped in panic.

"You should call him. Quick," she insisted. She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and offered it to him, prompting a deep, throaty laugh in response.

"Mere," he chuckled, "I told him about the porch."

She rolled her eyes at him as she stuffed the phone back in her pocket. "Ass," she grumbled.

"Don't worry. We'll see the plans soon, and if there's anything that I left out, we'll tell him to fix it," Derek assured her. "We're good. Better than good even."

She looked at him skeptically before heaving a sigh. "We're good," she echoed.

He took her hand and led her along the perimeter of his property, savoring the crisp, damp air rising out of Puget Sound and into their mountainous terrain. It was hard to believe how much their lives had changed – in many ways for the better – in the last year.

"How did it go this morning?" she interrupted the silence to ask.

"It went well, actually. Richard said the job was hers if she wants it, and I think she does," Derek explained.

Sarah had flown in the night before to interview for the head of cardiothoracic surgery job, and Derek felt increasingly confident that his sister and her children would be relocating to the West Coast before Christmas. He had gathered from her comments that her husband was just as anxious to get out of the marriage as she was, and while the process was certain to be stressful and heartbreaking, she knew she needed to do it.

And Derek supported her fresh start in Seattle enthusiastically.

"It'll be great to have her out here," Meredith mused.

"Yeah, I think so, too," he agreed. "Oh, and I forgot to mention – I made dinner reservations for us tonight at the Italian place you like so much."

"Il Bistro?" she prompted.

"Yeah, and I'm inviting Sarah and Mark," Derek added.

Meredith giggled impishly. "You better warn Sarah about that place."

He looked at her quizzically, trying to figure out what she found so entertaining.

"Derek," Meredith elaborated with more than a little exasperation, "that place is one of the most romantic restaurants in the city, and you've functionally set your sister up on a double date with Mark. She's going to kill you!"

"She'll be fine," Derek laughed. He had to admit that he was looking forward to watching that play out, though. There was no question that Mark would exhibit far more enthusiasm about the occasion than Sarah would. "Besides, she would much rather have him go than play third wheel to us."

Meredith's mouth twisted in reluctant agreement. Derek had sensed that Meredith was far less comfortable showing affection toward him with Sarah spending the night in their apartment, and much of that, as Meredith later explained, was out of respect for Sarah's situation. Meredith didn't want to show off how happy and in love they were when Sarah's life seemed particularly low in that department.

"Besides, I thought you liked the idea of Sarah and Mark together," Derek commented.

"I do," Meredith replied. "But you could be a little more subtle about that. Drag her to Joe's or something, but don't thrust her into Romance Central."

"Speaking of thrusting," he laughed as he paused, "About here is where our bedroom will be." He blanketed his arms around Meredith and stood behind her as they took in the view. Lush green forests extended out on either side of the mountains rolling out to the sound, and the valley in the middle was freckled with residential areas, farms, and other developments. It was their own isolated piece of heaven overlooking Seattle.

"You're so dirty. I'm not so sure that I approve of you spending all this time with Mark after all. Bad influence or something," she teased.

"What, and your friends are better Mrs. I-Can-Outdrink-Everyone-Let-Me-Prove-It?" he fired back. He didn't mind it actually. He was happy that she was less interested in tequila since settling in with him, but he wouldn't begrudge her occasional overindulgence.

"Whatever. It's not the same. You're seriously gonna be one of those old men who makes dirty comments all the time and gets away with it because you're old." Her giggle seemed shrill as it pierced the otherwise serene environment before ending in a small snort. Still, it was one of Derek's favorite sounds.

"I'm sure you'll keep me in line," he responded. "Besides, it's not like I make comments to everyone—just you," he reassured. "And I'm not convinced you mind so much."

"Maybe not," she sighed as she leaned back against him.

"So, your house? Was everything okay when you went there this afternoon?" Derek inquired. He was genuinely curious what disaster had befallen her property since most crises ended up involving him in the solution one way or another.

"Everything there is fine," Meredith dismissed coolly.

"Oh," Derek answered. "I thought something was wrong and that's why you were late getting here."

"Nothing was wrong," she answered. He could feel her body tensing against him, and instinctively held her tighter. "I just needed to take care of something."

"Okay," he voiced hesitantly, hoping she'd elaborate without needing additional prompts.

"I just…" she sighed. She started fidgeting with her hands, wringing them nervously, before clutching her tote bag. She worried the long canvas straps between her fingers, tracing the little contours in the fabric as she shifted against him.

Derek dropped his hands into his pockets, effectively releasing her from his grip.

"What is it, Mere? You can tell me," he encouraged.

She took a deep breath and turned to face him.

"I…I wanted to get this," she explained. She reached into her bag and extracted a large Ziploc bag of a powdery gray material.

Derek's eyes shifted from Meredith to the bag and back again as he tried to discern the bag's contents. When it finally registered with him, his eyes grew wide and his eyebrows lifted, forming large creases across his forehead.

_There's an urn in my closet, and she died…_

"Is that—Is that your mom?" Derek gasped.

Meredith quickly nodded with tear-filled eyes. "I thought the urn might spill so I put her in a bag," she explained.

"I see," Derek murmured in shock. Part of him wanted to chuckle at how innocent and adorable she looked holding up her bagful of mommy, but he knew this was not a moment to make jokes. This was a gargantuan leap for her, and he was willing to do whatever she wanted or needed.

"What do you want to do with it—her?" he stammered. He silently cursed his slip up, although he wasn't actually sure what her attitude was toward her mother's ashes. Were they just pieces of dust that represented Ellis Grey's physical embodiment? Or did Meredith think it _was _her mom? This was the kind of spiritual discussion they'd never engaged in.

"I think I want her here," Meredith announced tentatively. She trembled a bit, and Derek wasn't sure if it was from the cold breeze or the emotion of the moment. Either way, he squeezed her shoulder and felt himself flooded with warmth as she forced a weak smile in return.

"You want her here?" Derek asked. He was slightly skeptical of her decision-making process given all of the unhappy memories Meredith associated with her mother, but he tried not to let his skepticism filter into his voice.

"I know. I'm crazy, right?" she huffed. She started stuffing the baggie back into her tote, but Derek stopped her.

"You're not crazy at all. I'm just curious why you chose here. It's not like she was ever here or anything like that," Derek explained as he held onto her fist and massaged it soothingly.

Meredith's eyes grew hazy and distant as she stared across the landscape. She bit her trembling lower lip, and her skin paled to a ghostly white that made her mouth appear more crimson than ever. A tear escaped her red-rimmed lower lashes and trickled down her chin before landing in an unceremonious plop on her navy blue coat.

"My whole life, I'm pretty sure I was a disappointment to her," Meredith started between muffled sobs.

"Meredith—" Derek interrupted.

"No, let me say this and get this out. My therapist thinks it's good for me," she snapped.

Derek wasn't about to argue. Meredith's attempt to see a therapist was possibly the best thing that had ever happened to their relationship. It forced her to start opening up to him and restart their relationship at a time he thought they were doomed.

"Ellis never seemed happy for me or proud of anything that I accomplished. She made me feel like a failure, and I've struggled to forgive her for that," Meredith confessed.

Derek nodded sympathetically, but he still wasn't sure why that meant Meredith needed to bring the ashes to the site of their future home.

"And I know she was a jerk to you and probably said a million things to make you hate her, but I want to believe that she only did those things because she thought it would help me somehow," Meredith continued. Her posture straightened and her voice became more confident with each revelation.

"I didn't hate her," Derek argued. "I mostly felt sorry for her. And I was angry that she hurt you," he added.

"I know," Meredith answered. "But the thing is, now that we're getting married and building this life together, I'm starting to feel like I'm accomplishing things—" her voice cracked suddenly, and she cleared her throat before starting more softly. "I'm accomplishing things she could be proud of. And if our future together is here, I want her to see that."

Derek felt like his heart was breaking in two at Meredith's sincere rationale. After all of the awful things her mother had put her through –comments she'd made, experiences she'd denied her only daughter—Meredith continued to exhibit more compassion and love than he thought possible. It was certainly far more than he thought Ellis Grey deserved.

His head tilted slightly to the side and his eyes crinkled sadly as he stared at the woman he loved more than anything. If this is what she wanted, he would oblige. He always would.

"Oh, Meredith," he sighed. He reached forward and cupped her face in his hand, smoothing away any remaining traces of the tears on her cheek.

"I'm crazy, right? A certifiable nut job?"

"Not. At. All. You're amazing, actually," he answered slowly.

She kissed his hand gently and lifted her hand to cover his. She held his hand in her own, drawing it back to her side, and started leading him toward a large tree. She continued to clutch the bag of her mother's ashes in her other hand.

"I was thinking of spreading her around this tree," she mused. "She'd be able to see Seattle and our house, and if we go to the lake, we'd walk by her."

"I think it's perfect," he encouraged. He watched as she knelt down on the cold, damp ground and opened the Ziploc bag. She reached in the bag and delicately withdrew a fistful of the dust, sprinkling it around on the ground beside her like a child funneling sand at the beach. The gray dust mixed with the black dirt and dead pine needles lining the ground.

He knelt beside her and rubbed her back gently as she continued withdrawing her mother one handful at a time. Eventually she caught his gaze, and he nodded toward the bag, asking for her permission to help. She smiled sadly and lifted her head up and down in agreement. Derek withdrew his own handful of ashes and started sprinkling the dust beside them.

"She'll get to hear about what an amazing surgeon you are and how many lives you save when we sit out on the porch at night and talk about our days together," he commented. He had no doubt that Meredith's surgical potential far surpassed that of her legendary mother, and he was pretty certain that was based on an objective assessment of everything he'd seen, not one colored by his love for her.

Meredith blinked slowly and smiled, clearly appreciating his gesture.

"And someday," she started, "maybe she'll get to see us playing with her grandchildren out in the yard."

The comment made Derek's heart stop. It meant the world to him to have her suggest the idea completely unprovoked. He wanted to wrap her up in a tremendous bear hug and never let her go. Maybe spin her around the clearing a few times as he shouted with glee. But he simply nodded, unwilling to belabor the issue or push too much. Sarah was right; it wasn't a race. They had a lifetime.

Meredith finished spreading the last handful, and then dumped the few remaining contents of the bag onto the ground. She folded the plastic baggie neatly and shoved it back into her tote before withdrawing a bottle of water they could use to rinse their hands before they stopped back at the trailer to use actual soap and running water.

The cool water trickled over their fingers as they washed away the remnants of Ellis Grey from their hands. Meredith dried her hands against her blue jeans, and Derek followed.

"I guess," Meredith began again softly. "I guess I just want dead mommy to be proud of me," she confessed.

Derek closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her, enveloping her in a protective hug. His eyes burned from threatening tears as he thought about all they'd been through in the past few weeks. He inhaled deeply through his nose, letting the soft lavender scent of her hair permeate his nostrils as he held her tightly.

The words he found himself thinking revealed themselves in a whisper.

"I'm pretty sure dead mommy already is."


End file.
